if pain killers are supposed to do what they do, why do i still feel so much pain..
shouldn't it be able to take away all sorts of pain. i feel more isolated than i ever have before. trying to keep up with a front that i m ok and nothing is wrong with me. after you have commited so much, you just wonder whether it is the right thing to do. doing things in the best interest of others is more painful than undergoing surgery. and yet after i have done so, no one bother to check on me. i guess i really don't mean anything to them.
my greatest regret was to give up everything to come to MJC.
1:02 PM
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
To the people I have come to love so much.
I wish I could say this personally. But due to the circumstances, this would have to do. I hope you understand.
I have taken leave of absence from college; some of you may or may not know I was admitted back to the hospital last Friday. So it is in my best interest that I not return to school in any time soon.
After much soul searching, I realise that I’ve have been irresponsible and selfish in my actions. It is irresponsible and selfish of me to hold any position in the choir comm. in my current state. As such I have voluntarily stepped down as VP, even though it has not been asked of me to do so. I would like to apologise for running for elections last Wednesday and causing much distress and confusion. At the same time I would like to apologise for being an absent VP during my term. I feel I have let the choir down and the trust you have put in me during the previous elections.
Choir, I’m sorry I’ve failed you.
To the previous choir comm., I thank you for giving me the privilege to work with you. Thanks for making my ideas come to life, whether be it during the farewell or the choir appreciation board. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for slogging it out. It was been a rewarding experience working with you. And seeing people with such dedication for our choir is truly admirable.
During my term, I sincerely hope I managed to engage each and every one of you. Especially when I came back from my operation in July, in time for our debut- the national day performance. From the first rehearsal, when most of you were unfamiliar with me and possibly most of the choir, up to our performance itself. I hope I have helped in some way to break down barriers that we brought in together with our beautiful voices. And some more get to know each another better simultaneously in the process. Oh and I must seriously apologise for my drill sergeant behaviour and also for putting everyone through countless practises. But in the end we pulled through, and put up a good if not one of the better performances of the whole event!
My greatest take away from my short term is 34 people that I can truly called friends. I am heartened that I can genuinely greet you when I met you. Even if some of us may live up to our dao-est person or shy-est person personas, I feel heartened to see you smile and acknowledge me. Although I can’t exactly say that you’re the reason for my existence, I can safely and surely say you people are the reason for my existence in meridian. And for that I thank you!
So now as I rest to make sure I will be well enough to join the choir during the holidays, I urge you please disturb me all you can, or I will decay from boredom. And As I train myself with my limited musical abilities to sing shoga and ave maria, I will think of qwerky ideas for open house and our choir concert next year. Cause everyone can contribute to choir regardless of what ever position one may be in. I will continue to do so. Cause my heart will always be with MJchoir.
A great man once said, Without struggle there can be no progress.
So choir lets welcome our new comm., who I believe will not give up without a struggle. Together we CAN make a difference.
Cause remember,
MJchoir, we make the music!
Peace out and May the force be with us.
1:19 AM
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
2:22 AM
Saturday, August 12, 2006
somewhere only we know
Sometimes I really hate myself. I hate myself for making all the wrong decisions in upper sec, for letting myself spiral into depression, for letting myself lost control, for getting of track.
I still wish I could have made it to hc, but that is now such a different world. Or even nj or aj, where all my schoolmates are. Where starting over isn’t so hard. Where you have people who believe in you. People you have literally grew up with. Where you know whether you’ll be hit by a fast one pulled by anybody or not. Where you already know everybody and their personalities.
Now in meridian, I will never fit in. no matter how hard I try. I thought I would have a fighting chance. But I still feel like a sore thumb sticking out. Not going to let them get me. I’m gonna make sure I will be the biggest lost to them, if anything happens.
I need to find myself. And I need to find someone, to walk with me through this dreadful journey. To pull me out of the dumps.
Just someone.
Anyone.
Bring me to somewhere only we know…
8:03 PM
Sunday, August 06, 2006
eventful
i feel so drained and washed out.
i don't know how long i can sustain this. like an ongoing performance everyday. i can't do this alone and yet i can't tell anyone.
the week has been eventful.
being taken to sgh a & e in an ambulance however was not. being in the a & e can sometimes make you feel worse. at least i had a good (and not to mention good looking) doctor and a wonderful nurse. but the drip forever hates me la. always clotting, make the whole expr so painful.
choir has been exhuasting. but i love my choir. don't mind giving up the world for them.
school... if the teachers have already given up hope on me, i would rather they tell me. tell me so i don't feel vindicated in every lesson i go to. like a criminal for coming to school.
