Thursday, February 02, 2006
One more sleepless night for me, yet again.
The truth is, I guess when I get my results, my past ends there. Everyone else would have a plan. Go to JC choose their subjects. In fact most are already settled in. And I am afraid i might not have that chance.
Yes I said I want to start a new. But last night I really got me thinking why I m really afraid of my results. No. 1 is my impending future, the other is that my familiar past will be over. After 4 years in the same place, you start to know who are your friends, who aren’t, what you’re good at what you’re not.
But the last year really muffled some lines. That I can’t really remember much. I used to have a plan. Where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do with my life. But now, I am just confused.
I don’t want to think about my future. But it seems like the results will change everything. Whatever path I take it will be related to it. And I would be taking that path alone.
Alone.
5:32 PM
Today I woke up in cold sweat. I escaped from a terrible nightmare. As corny as it may sound, I had a nightmare about the O level results. Throughout the whole day it has been haunting me.
I feel so hallow. Just like an empty shell floating aimlessly around in hopes that something will fill me up again. As much as I want to escape my past, it is still creeping up on me, reminding of all the mistakes I made and how I will always live to regret them.
I need a chance to start a new. But everything really is going to depend on the results isn’t. How I am going to precede my journey on this painful road. I need to find a new path, where each step does not feel like a bed of needles.
Some days back, I went to Anderson. I went in and went out straight. Probably only six minutes. To lessen my pain, I took a cab to and fro. Anderson is my past and I shall keep it there. The school has changed so much after all, it’s not the same. It is now just a foreign land. I shall lock up all my memories, good and bad, away.
Over the last few days, I have been asking myself what I really want to do. I really have no idea. And every day with the thought of my impending future, I feel ever more lost. I have no desire to go back to receive my results. The last few years of continuous failure have left me broken. But each time I put up a brave front. And suck it up.
I hope that this is the end of a chapter of mistakes, pain, and regret.
12:19 AM
