Monday, August 22, 2005

term 3.

in and out of TTSH. haiz. sian man. most important term of sec 4 and yet i literally didn't turn up for the whole term.

thanks to those who came to visit me.

hopefully i managed to make see a 'okay-ed' me.

hmmm..

10:28 PM

Saturday, August 13, 2005

I'm a horrible person wallowing in self pity.

i'm not deserving of the care or concern of the people around me.

that is what i would like to say.

i'm trying my best not to act anymore, and just tell u all how i really feel.

if it hurts anyone,

i'm very sorry.

1:08 PM

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

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To Joy:

Thanks for making the tears go away when It seem like it would never stop flowing. Thank you for being there to hear me out instead of judging me right away. Thanks for telling me not to be a coward. Thanks for giving me a reality check. To remind me of whom I used to be and who I still can be. And for letting me take off my mask for the first time in months. Thanks for being my friend.

************************************************************************************

I would not say anything about Monday. All I want to say is it has nothing to do with getting the COAs. It was who I was getting it with, how we were treated and worst of all, the real people who hurt me.

Nineteen of them who hurt me, so deeply. Even after what we have been through its still you all who hurt me, over and over again. And yet time even after so long, I just take it in my stride. But now if you bother to know or care, I am broken.

Broken.

Too many heart breaks in one life time ain’t good for me. My heart broke. It shattered into many pieces. I cried because I felt pain. Genuine pain. I do not know anything anymore. Especially about you people who I call my co workers, my friends. Pain erased my memory. And from now on, just let me rest in peace.

Or should I say

Rest in pieces.

10:54 PM

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Re: the day after

So if you are wondering whether I made it through Monday, the answer is yes. But how I did it is a total different matter.

I’m blessed to have a friend like SH. Over the last years, you ppl may never think we are good friends. On the outside, you ppl think I m with a certain group of ppl. But on an emotional level, there are few friends whom I tell anything to. Few that I trust. And few that will not judge me. And she is one of them. She;s one of my first few real friends in Anderson. In Anderson, a lot of ppl know me. Cause they think since they know my name, they know me. Oh whatever. That was the past. The present however is not much different.

We may not agree on many things sometimes. But one thing about our friendship is we have other friends. And we never make comments on them. I just hate it when some ppl who are also my friends call my other friends weird or say something about them. It is just impolite. Very in fact.

For the past four years, when we are at the bleakest, we turn to each other for support. Sometimes words are not exchange, but we know how the other is feeling. And we can also comfort each other with nothing at all. The other thing is that we make sure that we make it a point that its my business that the other is down.

Why? The people who I am always around with can never master that. They act as though they can and I in turn finish the scene by acting as though nothing is wrong at all. i don’t to impose them. Cause they don’t understand. And they will never. Cause they never bother seeing instead of just plain looking.

The thing is that whatever is between stays there, she never discuss with other people even if the other person is also a friend of mine. That is trust.

I really treasure my friendship with SH. now especially after the whole national day saga. Because only on that day, did I open my eyes I see who are my true friends.

3:52 AM

Monday, August 08, 2005

today's the day.

if i can get thru today.

i can get thru anything.

1:11 AM

Sunday, August 07, 2005

ytd we went out shopping. erm make tt i accompanied my friends shopping.

well. i dunno what to say. but ytd made me realise sthg.

we are good friends. but we have other friends outside the four of us. behavourial wise, sometimes we behave very exclusively. but the thing is we are not. we have such a network among the four of us. completely different sets of friends.

we are so much at peace with our selves when we are with each other. very no holds bar. when we are with our other friends its very much different. we change to a different alter ego. so wierd.

its like we even dress differently when we meet up with our friends.

it just makes we wonder.

friend: a person who knows what u're feeling without being told, a person who can see thru your mask, a person who without any big gestures can make all the pain go away.

i guess thats too much to ask.

10:57 PM

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Re: i miss talking!

haha.. you ppl who know me must really be thinking that the title is a joke. well it isn't. i really miss doing that (currently) one thing that i do best. talk. most would just think they know me. ya ya that big size girl who talks a lot. but those who really know me, would know that i have not been really talking. that i'm keeping everything in side or venting in on my foolscap pad. haiz. don't really voice out much anymore. its the very thing that made me who i m and the exact one which made me step on some people's precious toes.

haiyah. what i mean is that i haven been talking much.

but well.. i did it! had an almost hour long conv which celine!!! miss all those times when i did such things. hmm let me try to recall who i used to do this with.

celine- duh of course! (we discussed plans of 'world domination' (right....)) she's now too busy mugging nowadays.. oops..
peifen- those times were really very fun. really really fun. her mum would some times talk to me too. hee :)
fangyi- conv were very deep. haha.
vincent, jiawei,zhirong--- do not, i repeat, do not have conference call with them! they are usually non existent! unless they were joking about each other. damn funny! hahaha
cheesheng!- don't know whether he remembers or not. but this is the guy whom i had the longest and most conv with.
jiaying- always talking about work n things that relate back to that.. esp our colleuges and our families.. miss the trust we had..

yeah i think these are the ppl that i have really missed talking to. WAIT! how can i forget this important person..

TONG TONG!!!!!
she can continue forever. hahah. like a big sis i nvr had. really miss her loads..

hmm.. i guess gone are the days where i used to able to talk about anything under the sun with these ppl.. too much has happened. to everyone i guess. ppl change. and that is something tt i had to live with.

well today when i was talking to celine, i finally found something i could connect back with school life. well for these past almost 10 wks. i haven;t been going to school regularly. most know the reason. so ya wun say anymore abt it. but its only now that i realise how significant or insignificant these 4 yrs have been.

so many ppl changed. really. some ppl i listed above have become strangers to me. this is just 10 wks. i wonder about mths n yrs after today. would everything just become nothing. just the past?

well, while i m trying to make sense of my life, i believe so are the many of my fellow school mates are doing the same. i think the real shocker is the fact tt so many ppl are getting attached, reattached, detached, or what ever la. but ppl i thought i knew. tts different. haiz. i would say anything. will even act as though i don 't know anything.

i don;t know about them. but i think, i just want to talk to my friends again. catch up about everything. yea. that's what i want to do. i want to talk to my juniors and seniors too. haiz. i just want to let alot of things out!

talk
talk
talk

all i want to do is talk!

1:36 AM

Friday, August 05, 2005

Re: the odd one out

I feel like crap now. I seriously do not know how to face myself and the people around me. I am very messed up now. Feel like I have lost a big part of myself.

yesterday I lashed out at a good guy pal. Seriously one of my closest friends. hah. A guy ya. Anyway. I feel extremely bad for what I did. A mixed of emotions that was just expressed in the wrong way. Really feel real bad.

for some reason, some times I tell things to guy pals more than my gal pals. Why? I just feel that they are much less judgmental and more sensitive to your feelings. They don;t blow up in your face because most of the guy pals I have are gentlemen. Maybe its this reason that they don;t blow up. But I think I m misusing this fact bah. I think I lash out too much le. haiz. Feel very bad.

I think I have been purposefully building a wall around me. Guess I've been through too much rejection and setbacks in the past few months. Nothing has been going smoothly. And I just too reminded of the past, the good times.

Wednesday was my grandfather's 10th death annivessary. I was feeling miserable that day. Really miserable. My grandfather was one of the two people who really LOVED me a lot. I was the apple of his eye. But he left. My dad ask me what I wanted to do. I said: I want to join him. hur.. Some times I really feel like that. The other person who I really meant something too also left me. They are both in a better place I suppose. But they left me here. And I feel so alone.

Wednesday I received the results of my preps tt I took. I felt as though a dagger just went through my heart. I'm the odd one out. All my girl friends all did well I must say. I felt really happy for them, moving closer to their dream. But for me, now more than ever, graduating from sec school and going to HC is more like a dream slipping away. Now, I m trying desperately to hold on to something. But then I remember, I have nothing. nothing to my name. At least they have their awards. I wonder whether its really true that I didn't work harder than them. Then I stop to think. I was better than them. Once upon atime. When we entered this school. I have the best results of the four of us. Yet now. haiz. Forget it. That was the past. Now is the present.

Wednesday, I felt invisible. We happen to sit in such close proximity yet we never know what is happening to the other. There I sat, sensing the things happening around me. I felt so detached from my surrounding. Maybe because I haven been there so much that they have gotten used to it. I guess it doesn;t matter whether I m there or not. I was just part of their past.

Wednesday, I walked around alone. Looking at all the groups around me. Feeling so insignificant. The only thing I had was my shadow to accompany me. I have to act as though I m a strong lone ranger. But. I m not. I m just a broken soul. Drifting around aimlessly.

Wednesday, I put on a play. Acting out what everyone wants to see. I have forgotten what I used to be. How it was to be me. It pains me that no one really realizes it.

my dear friend told me something I told him. He told me to just be myself and go pursue the things I desire. But I instead of thanking him went to say that his concern was only echoed because I brushed his girlfriend off. argh.. Why do I have to be such a jerk. tts a good word to use on my actions. Thank goodness he still remembers who I really m and not this souless being that has encapsulated me.

today, I reflected on what I really want to do. Yet. All I can think of are extreme thoughts. I think I need a break and fly away and leave all these worries here.

next Monday, I don't know whether I want to appear in school. I m such a battered soul. Don't know whether I can take one more blow. Monday will be a conscious choice.

Monday we'll see.

the odd one out.