Tuesday, October 12, 2004
note to self:
found a 55 cm strand of hair! its mine!
4:06 PM
Re: running in the mid-day sun...
yup...
that is what I just did. one word, nono make that 2- SONG BO!~
had the worst paper in the morning. worst than geography. physics. my once-upon-a-time pet subject.. haiz.. it was the only thing [other than chinese which I must get] that I thought I could score. sucks to fail your best subject.
I seriously wanted to cry after the paper. but ppl were already mocking me. quote
"I thought you very good in application de leh" unquote. can't tell them how I actually really did now, can I. haiz.so Pressurizing . everyone is like so uptight and so about themselves doing well in Anderson. damn scary. SCARY. haiz. if only I m that kiasu. just alittle bit would help. just give me abit of their self centeredness, abit of their ego, that would help. i think.
decided i should go scream. but its impossible when you're living next to a over sensitive women. or rather in a housing estate. ppl might think some heinous crime is happening, or something.
next best thing. RUN.
yup.. i know i dun seem to like running in school. nono i actually hate running in school. everyone is looking at you. as though you are some freak. i m not a freak, i m just abit big. argh, thinking about it makes me angry. whatever. i love running on my own. without any prying eyes, without stigma, without stupid ppl who laugh at you and without a PE teacher who picks on you because you're fat and not forgetting a councillor. Bullshit.
running alone. lets me break away. just for that moment. so alive. so very alive. to forget what ppl say about me, to forget everything. i love it. its even better when you start feeling tired and you contiue to push yourself harder. that feeling of euphoria..
song bo~
1:43 PM
Monday, October 04, 2004
Re: "In the end, it doesn't even matter"
that is for sure..
in the end, it really doesn't even matter.
i have wondered many a times who are my friends. and will they remember me when we part.
i m always the spare tire. the one you can use when the one you want to use isn't there. the one who is left forgotten in your car boot. one day i will just be a forgotten memory.
haiz..
-celine has waiching
-rachel has simone/clarissa
-puayfen has deborah/joy
-fangyi has chengluan
-vernus has L4
-jiaying has huiying
-xinying has ade/yvonne
-weiting has peijun
-the guys have their guy friends/girlfriends
-the sjab-ers have their sjab-mates
-the choir ppl have their makan comm
-the juniors have their own friends
i have?
what happens to me then? i dun have much of a social circle outside school. how could i be stupid enough not to have one? haiz...
i m suppose to be studying for geog now. but i m totally not in any mood what so ever. spent the afternoon staring at the geog stuff blankly. complete blank. decided to sweat it out. let off some steam and i sure did. physical pain felt so much better than emotional pain that for sure. at one point i knew i black out. for a split second, i felt nothing, saw nothing, was nothing. thank goodness my youngest brother was there to shake me. god knows what could have happened. haiz.. i guess i continuing this regime bah. conquer emotional pain by killing myself physically.
i have tried to think of another way. but no one is helping me. physical pain in fact seems sweet. like sugar. and hell knows what can that do to me. i m trying my best to not kill myself by having low blood levels. but it seems to be on a low these few days. whatever. sometimes i think i m better off dead.
i have a contact list that is overcrowded. yet everytime i go online. i m there alone.
alone everywhere it seems.
haizz..
i dunno what the hell is wrong with me. i want to badly forgive someone yet i can't bring myself to. trust me i m readily willing to forgive, but its the fact about forgetting that i m not readily willing to do so.. i have been hurt by too many ppl too many times. i m sorry but i did treasure our friendship, i thought you did too. but. as i said in the end it doesn't really matter. ultimately, i will a forgotten memory. maybe forgetting is better than doing so later. forget that we were friends, forget that stupid misunderstanding, forget the stupid arguement, forget the period of avoiding each other, forget this unfortunate turn of friendship. its a horrible feeling trying to avoid a wall when you are walking towards. its a horrible feeling to avoid someone when there is so much that needs to be cleared up. its a horrible feeling to even continue to go thru everyday with such a pretense. its a horrible feeling. we can write out what we want to say but unable to say anything when we are 3 feet away. haiz.. lets end it now. either this stupid phase or the whole friendship.
look at this pathetic blog. its so sad.
why is it tt i rmb the sad things and not the happy things?
why?
10:17 PM
Re:
to realise the value of a friend,
go ahead and lose one...
2:22 PM
