Wednesday, September 29, 2004

21m away from death. 1 jump and its over.

over.

4:50 PM

Re: if you didn't know i m sensitve to the word, K.C.U.F

i thank you for letting release all the build up stress in me with one word.

i thank you for letting me see the bigger picture about guys who i considered friends. if you didn't notice, i said "if i could i would" use those words, but i didn't use them, because i considered you as a friend. i respected you enough to not use them. but i guess this respect is not a mutual respect bah. still i m honoured to be the 1st female you use the word on.

before today, i seriously thought that u were a nice guy. after the countless time i helped you, i never ask back for anything if you rmb. never have i thought i would befriend the wrong guy. i always thought guys made better friends than girls. i always said that guys aren't really that bad. so i got to really thank you for proving me wrong.

maybe i should not let you take all the credit. well god knows what has gotten into guys this few days that make me change my impression on them so much. 1st i just thought maybe they are just having a bad day or maybe having mood swings. sure i wouldn't have mind that at all. but. one telling me to do the shit for him on a day when i running a fever, one asking me to be a scapegoat, one telling one thing and doing another, and of course how could i forget the one who use the word on me.

males and females were never meant to be friends. never. because to guys the only ones that matter is tt one girl who is so sweet so pretty so everything so perfect. only that one girl that can be petty and he doesn't mind. that one girl that who can be angry and he doesn't mind. but to the friend who was there when the girl wasn't. she has to be always there to lend a listening ear, to help him, to be the scapegoat, to be the one he can use the word on.

wow. isn't that a clear picture.

i used to think i got alot of friends. girls and guys. i use to value all of them. now. i wonder who are my friends.

the worst kind of lonely is that when you are in a place where everyone knows you. and yet in this horribly crowded place, you stand alone. alone.

i want a change of school.

not because i don;t like the school. because i can;t stay here and be lonely. i can't stand the fact i go home alone. the fact that all my friends, guys and girls, have other friends. to them, i have enough friends that i can take and pick. i'm sorry, i guess you don't really know me then. i guess you all dun know how lonely i m when you're with the rest of your friends. and i'm only 2m away and yet i m alone. i make sure that i would never be possessive of friends but by doing that, i'm alone.

i can't stand this anymore. i'm there when you need me, where were u when i needed that one friend?

and to all guy friends. i m sorry i have to say this.

but. guys are jerks.

and to that guy who i still considered a friend less than an hour ago.

thank you for making me understand my friendship with guys. thank you for making a horrible day worst. thank you for making me cry. thank you for making understand that i m the worst person alive. thank you for the word on me. thank you for making me feel so 'happy' now.

thank you ****

4:14 PM

Monday, September 13, 2004

happier times..

10:53 PM

Re: it ended.

after ten years, friends ended.

interestingly, i remembered watching friends when i was 5.

1oyears le. 1oyears of laughing, crying and 1 night of really thinking.

that night was tonight.

was supposed to accomplish a lot of things tonight. couldn't bring myself to do any of them. in broke out in cold sweat and was having a fever not too long ago. thinking abt ---- -----.

the 1st tear dropped after talking to celine. right after i put down the phone. at tt point of time, i just felt helpless. very.

thought i could take my mind of things by watching Friends. 6 friends surviving thru 1o years together. 1o years. the thought of where we would be after 1o years kept running thru my mind.

the 8 of us took that photo barely 9mths ago. yet during tt 9mths too much has happened. the 8 of them are the ones that i can work, laugh, cry with. yes there are 20 of us. but of the other 11, i have different kind of friendship. i must say i dunno what is the real difference. i know i can feel the difference when i'm with them. i can't articulate what excatly. probably that is how it works.

i dun expect much from our friendship other than the fact that we stick together. maybe i really shouldn't have any expectations at all. not even that. for they hurt so bad.

9mths vs 1oyrs

our journey hasn't ended. i wouldn't allow it.

not now.

10:36 PM

Saturday, September 11, 2004

circle of friends

10:34 PM

Re: my favourite photograph

how i wish i could turn back time.

*wishing*

10:31 PM

Re:

i m so frustrated. extremely.

attempt after attempt. it will just be another futile attempt.

how dare he say "if he want to leave just let him" . how dare he say that. how dare he not try to salvage the situation. here we are trying our best to salvage the situation. trying to make things the way it was before all this shit started.

it started because of him.

him.

it just frustrates me how i can't do anything to him. why? cause i got to report to him. bloody hell. he is my superior. F*** off. i mean it. show your bloody true colours to the teachers man. sickening bootlicker.

i know i have to work together. i will work together. forget it if you want anything other than work. you are not worth my concern. if you're not concern about anything else but your face, reputation, post. we can't be bother about you. well at least i can't.

and to my friend. don't you dare give up on yourself. i wouldn't give up on you, no matter what. never. because you are my friend.

stand up for something or fall for anything.

understand?

10:17 PM

Friday, September 10, 2004

Re:

its already the end of the holidays. and i have yet to complete my work yet.

right.

such wonderful news.

i guess this holiday was really for me to think about what has happened along the way. ultimately, i must say that term 3 didn't end off well. so i guess it was a much needed break.

well... exams end on week 5 of term 4. i would probably will be shuttin myself out for that 5 weeks. i worked last year, i wonder whether it will this year.

my goal: L1R5- 10<15

i do hope i can make it though.

well. i have been doing quite a lot of thinking this few days.

this whole week many people have told me at many different occasions that the things that you are doing now will be important life lessons that you will nvr be able to learn elsewhere. it is worth the hardships that we go thru now. at least when u go into the working world you would have a rough idea what to do.

hmmm... i m only going to be 15 once. i have left 7 months before this year will be gone. i'm experiencing things that 31 year olds face. why m i wasting my youth on things that i would experience later on any way.

at 15, i should be having the time of life. yet, i got to be work orientated. cannot use friendship as an excuse for anything. i was really shocked at the exco meeting tt this was mentioned. i dun mind me being the only without friends. but she said that about the juniors. seriously the only thing that they can fall back on now is their friends. and yet she made it seem like a sin. haiz.

i seriously dunno what is happening to council le...

i m trying my best not to break away. but nothing seems to be stopping me. haiz.. don't know what to do anymore. in the exco, everything seems so messed up. i think everyone just needs to 'fess up. the only thing that keeps me moving is my juniors and my work.

well had scc meeting this morning. i actually enjoyed it. like really enjoyed it. no arguements with my dearest secretary zhirong, thankfully. hahaz.. now with a new vision in mind. hopefully we can bring scc to greater heights. i think yes this scc is different from the rest of the scc that ASC has had. but at least i do not find them as a separatist organisation. i really do hope that scc can be the catalyst not only with the student body, but that of ASC too. i know that is other committee's job. but as guiness says: 'if someone's gonna do it, why not you...' yup that has been my motto for quite sometime. hopefully scc can cause a catabolic reaction ba. right now since i have no authority to do bigger things. i shall work with them to bring about a bigger reaction. yea, that should be the way. that would be my reason to continue.

talking to people really gives you a reality check. i got one from the juniors today.

thanks guys.

4:21 PM

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Re: fifteen

Fifteen is not the age for your body to be breaking down, for you to miss the feeling of the wind against your skin, or for THE BAGS to double their size beneath your eyes.

Fifteen is not the age when friendships are laid by the wayside or abandoned for lack of time.

Fifteen is not the age to bury yourself in work as though there's no more to life.

It is not the time to give up dreaming, it's not the time to bury dreams.

It is most definitely not the age to turn your back on feeling, to shutter hearts or to snuff out passion

i'm fifteen. caught between 10 and 20.

is life at fifteen meant to be this way?

9:46 PM

Monday, September 06, 2004

Re: 如果難過請你忘了我...

i know i caused alot of hurt to my friends. i m really sorry.

perhaps it was wrong to never let them in when i'm down. thinking that i would be then a huge burden. perhaps it was wrong to give a 'leave me alone' face, when actually all i needed was a friend to talk to. perhaps it wouldn't turn to be what it is now. perhaps i'm the one who was negligent, never giving thought to their feelings. perhaps i'm the worst friend on the face of this earth. perhaps if they're really hurt they should just forget me, for i can't forgive myself.

perharps.

10:01 AM

Re:

i have thought about the whole week already. i thought it through. carefully.

what ever that happened this week was all my fault.

i was disillusioned by lots of things. now that the mist has cleared. i can finally think properly again.

1st matter.
after sitting alone in the hospital as well as sitting on the MRT from marina bay to yishun alone, i conclude that i wasn't inflicted by the L-disease. i was inflicted by the I-disease. I as in infatuation. a minor one. there will be guys who will be that i will *fight for my happiness* kind, but then again there are better guys who will be the good friends. really really good friends. who you can trust with somethings you can trust girls with. and thank goodness i know this guy fits in that group more than the other. so really, i was caught in momentary lost of _________ and made myself feel awkward with a good guy friend. its my fault.

2nd matter.
i will still take a break. i would rather it be official. i don't want to not care abt anything. with a official reason for me not to do so, it will probably help me. i don't want to act oblivious. i want to be there. unfortunately, right now, i feel so fake if i m helping you and i can't help myself. i'm sorry for being utterly selfish. you really didn't do anything. its not your fault, it my fault.

3rd matter.
3hrs gave me the time to think of the 3 yrs i have been in secondary school. not only that, the people i have met and i have made close friendships with. however wrong this will seem at this point of time, i thought of the councillors 1st. the bonds that i made through working with them, slogging with them, crying with them or just merely being with them. whether its the guys or the girls i got 19 stories locked in my heart. some parts of it tragedy some parts of it a comedy. every september, it did be a tragedy. i want to know why. i guessed i become too critical during the teachers' day time period and every thing becomes a blur. including the friend-collegue relationships. its my fault.

4th matter.
sadly after slogging hard for each teacher's day, it will always seem like its so long ago. teachers' day is barely 4 days ago, yet to me, it feels like an entire term. why? i ask myself is it worth then. i have no answer. probably its my body's way to making me forget the sad things in my life. once again, its my fault.

5th matter.
i know that my friendships will not be the same. homecoming made me think whether i would be lucky enough to say hi to people in the crowd rather than being alone in that crowded filled with 'once-upon-a-time-friends'. i don't want that. but sadly, i caused them so much pain and i can''t forgive myself. its my fault.

as you can see, its all my own fault. all the things that happened. my fault. i'm sorry to those that are affected by my faults.

i am sorry.

its my fault.

1:15 AM

Friday, September 03, 2004

Re: note to myself

tml i would have 3hrs to think about everything that has happened.

with a needle and plug in my hand. hopefully i would be certified as normal after the blood test. and if i m not. i have no one else to blame except myself.

with 3hrs alone in a cold hospital hoping i think level headedly and clearly. hopefully i can without scaring the nurses with my tears.

hopefully

11:43 PM

Re: sorry

to those that i have hurted

i'm sorry that i hurt you. i didn't mean to.

i'm sorry.

7:35 PM

thanks alot

Re: do you know how i feel right now?

To the people i thought were my friends

i feel like shit.

seriously. my 'friends' can ask me whether i'm ok already or not. some friend you are. do you think i made this decision because everyone else is making this decision?

no. it pains me to even consider this. and yet i'm now the bad one who runs away from problems, isn't it?

unlike you, i can't act cute and get away with it. now my collegues think that i taking this as a joke. i considered them as friends. but now. i dunno what to say. when i need them the most, they do this to me. i m lost for words.

'oh we decided already, i'll take leave during campfire night and i'll take leave during sports day.." oh, hahahaha to you. its not funny, its not funny at all.

i have been hurt by you people. you people were the last ones i thought i could depend on.

thanks alot.

12:12 AM

Thursday, September 02, 2004

to all concerned councillors

Re: my decision on taking official leave from Anderson Student Council

to whom it may concern or rather to those who are concerned.

the truth is i have not made up my mind yet.

taking leave is probably the most selfish and irresponsible thing to do. i know. but the thing is while caring for everyone else around me, i have neglected myself.

my health is detoriating, my studies is going down the drain, my personal drowning in pain with all that i really need a break. i have worked non-stop since god knows when. taking care of everything except for myself. i got to be the big sister the big mama that i think i lost myself.

whats really the point with me slogging so hard for? my batch is disintegrating in front of me. bootlickers, slackers, suckers, back stabbers are just some descriptive words i can think of. sad isn't it? i remembered a time not too long again i cried cause we worked so hard together and yet never be recognised for what we have done. now i cry cause we never work together. things happened along the way, we changed along the way. we are now what we are because of those things.

my juniors are the sweetest people i think i ever know. i tried so hard to try to unite them. each time its a futile attempt. whats the point? i am so tired already. it pains me see them like that. i tried i failed. i m a failure as a senior to allow my juniors to go through so much pain. i can't connect with them. they possibly hate me cause i'm too strict or probably cause i too bosy. i care i seriously do. but now, i don;t know what to do.

i don't ask for much when i joined the student council. i wanted to serve. i couldn't stand seeing prefects doing a horrid job in primary school and not being able to do the job which i knew i could do cause i naively rejected the prefect's post in primary 2 and subsquently the councillor's post in P4. i was a rebel with a cause. i wanted to make sure i left my mark. make sure that i did make a change, a difference in other people's lives. that too changed my life. no wait do i even still have a life?

i worked so hard. i didn;t do things cause it was asked of me as a councillor. i did things to bring people together, things that i enjoyed doing. i served and continued to serve cause i knew i served my purpose in school. i did what i loved and loved what i did.

but things aren't always so simple. sec2 redefined everything. people hated me for doing things that i loved doing. they publicly shamed me. why i ask? i did nothing to them. i hated to bootlick and still do. why was i so stupid. i could have gone further now if i just did that. seeing people do made me sick to the core. i hated it. but what could i do?

in sec2, the 4 letter L- disease infected me. working with ppl would either make u hate them and do the exact opposite. why did it had to happen to me? i fell into the pit and it took me a year to climb out, but not without all the bruises and scars.

i cried. i shut myself out. i perserved. i became emotionless for a while. thankfully, that helped my studies. now i m in a triple science with all that hardwork. but in a class with 7 councillors.

sec3. i continued to work. this time i cared so much about the people i worked with. they meant so much to me. i would rather be the scapegoat then to allow them to be hurt. now i have been so hurt so many times. i really see no point when the people around me don;t really even care.

i gave up on my cca to concentrate on council. i gave up the vice president post. how smart. all i wanted was sprint head. i worked so hard for it. i thought i deserve it. but. i got sthg i totally didn;t expect. the committee that hurt me so much. and now i had to head it.

don't get me wrong. i love the committee now. but its not easy to allow a stranger into your home. that is the exact feeling i had. and still have. i broke down so many times. no one knew.

i still love the things i do. but often i wonder whether its worth it. i tired enough. unlike the rest of the 19 of them. i never took time for myself. this time i want to know how it is to take care of myself. i know i m selfish. but now. i got the L-disease again + all these other problems. i really need a break.

i do hope you understand.

8:42 PM

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Re: My Resignation as an Adult To Whom It May Concern:

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of a six-year-old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four-star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.

M&Ms are better than money, because you can eat them. I want to play kickball during recess and paint with watercolors in art. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple.

When all you knew were colors, addition tables and simple nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. When all you knew was to be happy because you didn't know all the things that should make you worried and upset.

I want to think that the world is fair.

I want to believe that anything is possible.

Somewhere in my youth... I matured and I learned too much. I learned of nuclear weapons, war, prejudice, starvation and abused children.

I learned of lies, unhappy marriages, suffering, illness, pain and death. I learned of a world where men left their families to go and fight for our country, and if they were lucky enough to return, often found themselves living on the streets...begging for their next meal.

I learned of a world where children knew how to kill...and did!! What happened to the time when we thought that everyone would live forever, because we didn't grasp the concept of death? When we thought the worst thing in the world was if someone took the jump rope from you or picked you last for kickball? overly excited by little things once again.

I want to return to the days when reading was fun and music was clean. When television was used to report the news or for family entertainment and not to promote sex, violence and deceit.

I remember being naive and thinking that everyone was happy because I was.

I would walk on the beach and only think of the sand between my toes and the prettiest seashell I could find. I would spend my afternoons climbing trees and riding my bike. I didn't worry about time, bills or where I was going to find the money to fix my car.

I used to wonder what I was going to do or be when I grew up, not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind and making angels in the snow.

I want to be six again.

Author Unknown

12:18 PM

same old brand new me [so A1]

right.. decided to blogger.. move user friendly.. hee.. will try to update..