New Health Insurance for the Order

Fill out a questionnaire for the new health insurance policy the Order has, I had to. A lot of stupid questions it had: Q: Do you smoke? A: Know the answer to this I do not. Ever been on fire I have not. Q: How much do you drink on a daily basis? A: Not as much as like to I would. Q: How often do you exercise? What kinds of exercise(s) do you do? A: Daily. "Smitin' to the Oldies" I call it, especially since the new Ipod I got. Other specialized questions for Jedi it had. How many bags of Cheetos do you have a day? Do you still have all of your limbs? Have you had any family history of turning to the Dark Side? Also, a physical exam I had to take. Want to take this physical exam I did not. A chance to study for it I had not. On the exam table in the Temple Infirmary I was when close the medical droid came. A little tool that looked like a hammer, he had. "Ow! Doofus!" I said. Then with my cane I whacked him. "Oh my! I'm sorry, Master Yoda. I was merely tapping your knee to test your reflexes." "So how fast were my reflexes? Come here and try that again you should. Maybe faster this time, my 'reflexes' will be." "No, that's quite alright. Your, uh, reflexes seem fast enough." Then this popcycle stick he stuck in my mouth. With it he pressed down my tongue. "Alright, Master Yoda, open wide and say, 'ah'." "Ahhhhh... *gag*... ahhhh... *gag**choke*" "Wider. Wider. A little wider. Oh my. Oh, dear God. Oh that's awful. I... I don't know what to think. I'm stunned." "*Gag*... Wha?!... *Choke*... Wha is it?!" "Your breath! It has to be the worst I've ever detected!" "Oh, be that bad it can not." "I'm afraid so. My olfactory circuits are melted and will have to be replaced now. You haven't been flossing with roadkill have you?" "Pass the exam do I, or not?" "Yes. You match all the ideal statistics... for a corpse, post-rigor mortis of course." Get a medical droid with less of an attitude we must.

Kenobi's Funny Face

So badly, my nose hurts. So bad the pain is, to die I want. Like on fire they are, my nostrils feel. Watering so much my eyes are that see I can not. You see, drinking my Diet Pepsi I was, when his funny face Kenobi made: Then out through my nose, all of my Diet Pepsi shot. Stupid Kenobi! He knows that help laughing I can not when those funny glasses he puts on! Have to do it when drinking my soda, why did he? ________________________ By the way, if interested you are, forget the contest do not. In yesterday's post, the details are.

Stupid HTML-Ignorant Intern! (And a Contest)

To stay inside today my Stupid Intern wanted just because running a fever he was and a sore throat he had. Lazy that way he is. But I said, "Of course, stay in you can. And since inside all day you will be, finally get around to building that new template for my blog, in between trips to the bathroom to throw up." See, a very understanding and empathetic person I am. Well, all day on the new template, my Stupid Intern worked. Sometimes, trouble staying awake because of his cold he had, but then kick him I would. Wake up then he would be. But very much of my time this was taking. And getting tired, my leg was. Finally, after midnight, done he was. Way past my bedtime this was. So anxious to see the final result I was. But then, in Internet Explorer he tried it, and stupid it looked! Stupid Intern! Already published it on this blog he had. To revert to an old template we had to. Stupid Intern! Then, the nerve to ask to go to bed, he asked. "What?!" I said. "To fix this you need! Only 2am it is!" "But I'm so weak. I need to rest! Please!" he said. Such a whiner, he is. Anyway, see this template here you can. Fine on that blog it looks, even in Internet Explorer. But when on this blog we publish it, these problems we have: -Too big the font is. -Show the comments, the individual post pages will not. (A non-issue the images that aren't showing and the side columns overlapping the footer are.) So, Here the Contest Is: If look at the code and point out the problems and their solutions you can, an autographed photo and a gmail invite I will send you (hey, more than my Stupid Intern gets, that is). If find the problem, no one can, forced to beat my Stupid Intern harder I will be.

Fighting For My Life on Survivor I Am

Only two of us contestants left on Survivor: Tatooine there are. Up to the jury to decide now it is. But wait! All that is not! Explain to the jury why I should win, I must! An excerpt, this is: "Hello. Win why should I? The million credit question that is. Very simple the answer is. "First of all, need the money, Qui-Gon does not. Dead he is! No good it will do him. In his ethereal form, slip through his pockets, the credits will. "Secondly, very nice to all of you I have been..." Typho: "Just a minute. What about all those times you called me 'Typo', and 'Typhoid', and 'Tai-Bo', and 'Tidy Bowl', and..." Yoda: "Well, I.." Palpatine: "Yes, and let us not forget the time that you stole into our camp in the middle of the night and, eh, 'made a deposit'." Yoda: "Yes, but..." Dooku: "That's quite correct, Old Boy. I say, the time you attacked me on the rock cliff... Only worse it gets for me, from there. Read the rest of this post here you can.

Help Not Wanted

A vacancy on the Jedi Council we have. To fill it soon we must. A "suggestion" Chancellor Palpatine had. Harriet Miers "Uh, usually Chancellor, an actual Jedi we appoint to the Council." "Oh, I know. But this woman is the most qualified person I can find." To interview this person I agreed. "So, any experience with lightsabers have you?" "No. I'm afraid not. Is that important?" "Well,..." "Oh, you mean those flashlight thingies you use?" "Yes." "No. I don't have any experience with one of those." "Ever used the Force have you?" "I don't use drugs." "A drug the Force is not." "Oh." "Any training in the Jedi ways you have?" "No, but I wear Jedi's at home when I'm gardening." "No, about Jedi's I am talking, not Levi's." "Oh, then no." "Ever used the Mind Trick, have you?" "No." "Lifted a heavy object with your mind?" "No." "Given a Force-wedgie to anyone have you?" "No. But that sounds like fun." "Well, like to thank you for your interest I would. At this time, a fit for the Council you are not. But keep your application on file we will." "Why? Is it my political beliefs?" "What? No, important that is not..." "Is it those speeches I gave twenty years ago?" "No. About what speeches you are talking..." "You want me to hand over those private memos between the Chancellor and me, don't you? Well, I'm not giving them to you. You can forget about that. In fact, I'm just going to withdraw my application!" "Listen, know what you are talking about I do not. Hire you we can not, because experience you have not!" "Typical. Just throw the 'experience card' at me, why don't you? This is the same thing they told me when I applied for that position as a brain surgeon!" "Know that a medical degree you have, I did not." "I don't, but what's that got to do with anything?"

Our Secret Weapon

See this, uh, person do you? General Grievous his name is. Humanoid internal organs he has, but a metal droid body he has. A leader of the Separatists, he is. Defeated a number of Jedi he has. But worry not, a secret weapon we have now. Yes, over his reign of terror is. A chance he has not. In development for months this super secret weapon has been. Very confidential we have kept it. Top secret it is. Tell you anything about it I can not. Why? Because then be a secret weapon it would not! Been listening, have you? So, bother asking me anything about it, do not. Tell you I will not. Nope. Get anything out of me you will not. Sealed my lips are. Very capable of keeping a secret I am. No way that tell you anything, there is. Just forget about that, you can. Nope. Nope. No. Oh, OK! Tell you I will! Very persuasive you can be. Scroll down you must so that see this top secret weapon you can. This top secret weapon that will enable us to defeat General Grievous, it is. Give up now, General Grievous should. Perhaps mercy we will show. Ready to see this fearsome weapon are you? Very fear-inspiring it is. OK Stand a chance now, that droid does not.

Double the Confusion

Over to the Jedi Temple, Senator Amidala came today. Hoping to make up for the unfortunate "ham incident" from the other day, I was. "Hello again, Master Yoda. Like, I think you know my handmaidens." "Ah yes, your handmaidens I know, of course. See let us, Sabé, Dormé, and uh, wait, tell me do not... uh, Sneezé, Dopé, and Grumpé." "No, those are not their names." "OK, another chance give me. See let me, uh, Larré, Moé, and Curlé." "No!" "Posh, Ginger, and Sporty?" "That's like not even close!" "Sorry I am. Confused I get. All the same you look. Supposed to remember how am I? Have to remind me, you will." "Ok, so like, this is Saché, this is Eritaé, and this is Yané." "Actually, m'lady," one of the handmaidens said, "I'm Saché." "Really?" another one said, "I thought that I was Saché." "No, you're Yané." "But I thought you were Yané." "No, I'm pretty sure I'm Saché." "OK, I'm confused. Which one of us dates Anakin?" "Ahem!" Senator Amidala said. "What?! Just say what did she? Who 'dates Anakin?'" "No, no," Senator Amidala said, "She said 'which one of us hates pemmican." "Oh, well, ok that... huh?" Getting so confused I was. "Anyway, some paperwork for you to sign, I have, Senator." Forward one of the handmaidens stepped. "Actually, Master Yoda, I have something to confess. I am the real Padmé Amidala. This person dressed like me is actually one of my decoys." "What?!" "Wait," another handmaiden said, "are you sure I'm not Padmé?" "Stop playing with my mind you must! Going crazy I am! Need five decoys why do you, anyway? The only senator who travels with a bunch of look-a-like bodyguards, you are! Have an entourage of body doubles, Senator Organa does not!" "Uh, Yoda, turn around." Bear to look I can not.

Drip, Drip, Drip, Drip

Drip, drip, drip, drip. Dripping the faucet in the bathroom was, and hear it from my room, through the hallways, and even in the living room, I could. Driving me crazy it was. Drip, drip, drip, drip. Go turn off the faucet I would have, but turn it on I did not. Whoever left it on, should turn it off, I thought. Young Skywalker, it must be, I thought. Always forgetting to turn the knob all the way, he is. Drip, drip, drip, drip. At him across the hallway I yelled. "Young Skywalker, go turn off the faucet in the bathroom you must. Dripping it is. On you left it." "It wasn't me, yo. I ain't gonna turn it off." Drip, drip, drip, drip. Some more I decided to yell. "Kenobi! Turn that faucet off, now, you must!" "I ain't the one who left it on. Heck, I don't even hear it." Back at us, Young Skywalker yelled, "Yeah, Little Y, I don't hear nuthin' either, yo." Talking about what, are they? I thought. Surely, hear it, they must. Playing with my mind they are. Yes, it that must be. They think if long enough they wait, come out and turn off the faucet I wll, once stand it any longer I can not. Well, play at this game, two can. Yes. Pretend that hear it, I do not, I can too. Stand it for just as long as they can, I can. In fact, stand it even longer than they can, I can. Drip, drip, drip, drip. After a while, to pee, I had to. But go to the bathroom I could not. Because then, have to turn off the faucet I would. If to shove push came, I knew that a potted plant in my room I had. Yes, I knew that stay there all night could. Drip, drip, drip, drip. Go to sleep I could not. Too much, the dripping was. Managing to sleep how are the others? I wondered. Surely, hear the dripping in their rooms they must. Pretending to sleep they must be. Hmm, yes. Driving them crazy too, the dripping must be. On to them, I am. Fool me, they do not. Too smart for them, I am. Of course, too smart for them, a baby chimpanzee would be. Drip, drip, drip, drip. Awake all night I was. Stop, the dripping would not! Stand it anymore I could not! To the bathroom I ran. But dripping, the faucet was not! But, still the dripping I heard! Coming from where, was it? In, Windu poked his shiny head. "Yoda, do you feel alright? Your nose looks kind of, well... " In the mirror I looked. Running, my nose had been! A quick honk in my hanky, and an end to the dripping it was. Going to have to give myself a Force-wedgie for this one, I am.

Shop She Can, But Cook She Can Not

Invited Kenobi, Young Harvey the Padawan, and me to her apartment for dinner, Senator Amidala had. Unfortunately, to cook dinner herself, she decided. Saying that bad her cooking is, I am not. But once, a CARE package filled with cookies she baked herself, she sent to some starving refugees. Sent back to her the package was, along with a threatening letter signed by the refugees. But edible her cooking is - the same way that edible, dirt, concrete, and styrofoam are. Only taste as good as dirt, concrete, or styrofoam it does not. So looking forward to this we were not. Still, turn down an invitation from a Senator you do not. And want to hurt her feelings we did not. So we decided that choke down the slop she would cook, we would. Excited about this, Harvey was not. "Aw, but Master Yoda, do I hafta go? I don't want to." "Yes, Harvey," I said, "Go you must. Polite you will be. Eat everything on your plate you will. Complain you will not." "But I don't like her cookin'." "Her cooking, no one likes. But see me or Master Kenobi making a big fuss you do not, do you?" "But I heard Master Kenobi say some bad words when you told him we were going." Keep Kenobi away from the Younglings I really, really must. "Look, if through this night you get, count it as one of the Jedi Trials for you we will. Have to go through so many of the Trials to become a Knight when older you are, you will not. Ahead of everyone in your class you will be! Sound, how that does?" "OK, I guess." Still, enthusiastic he was not. When at the senator's apartment we arrived, there too Chewbacca was. Apparently, invited him as well, she had. Glad to see him, I was. Company, misery loves. The first course she started. An unidentifiable yellow and green mess she brought out. Spinach Casserole she said it was. Take her word for it I would have to. Harvey chimed in, "Hey, I remember seeing this on Fear Factor!" "No, Harvey. Shhh," I said, "The same it is not. Eat it now, and quiet you should be." Soon, Senator Amidala left so that check on the next course she could. "Harvey, stop playing with your food you must. Hurt, Senator Amidala's feelings will be if clean our plates we do not. See, eating his food Master Kenobi...Kenobi!" Trying to hide his food in the folds of his robe, Kenobi was. "Kenobi, stop that! A bad example for Harvey you are setting!" "I don't see you eatin' none of it," he said. True that was. Tried it yet I had not. "OK, look both of you. Show you I will that so bad it is not. Eat it I will. See?" A bite I took. "Master Yoda," Harvey said, "why does your face look like that?". "Quick, to Chewbacca feed your casserole," I said. Fortunately, sitting under the table, Chewie had been. All the food we gave him, he wolfed down. Then our plates he licked clean. The next course, the senator brought out. "Well now," Kenobi said, "that meatloaf looks mighty fine." Annoyed, Senator Amidala seemed. "Like, that is so not a meatloaf. That's totally a glazed ham. Like, eat up!" Again she left to check on something else. Over to me Kenobi leaned. "I ain't eatin' no brown ham." "Worry do not," I said, "Feed it to Chewie we... uh-oh." Doubled-over on the floor in the corner, moaning in pain, Chewbacca was. "Master Yoda," Harvey said, "I'm think I'm gonna be sick. If I hafta eat that, I know I'm gonna hurl." "Kenobi," I said, "the fire alarm on the wall by you that is?" "Yeah." "Pull it!" The alarm rang, and from the sprinklers water started pouring. Out from the kitchen, the senator came. "What happened?!" "Somewhere in the building, a fire is! Get out now, we must!" "Oh, dinner's ruined!" the Senator said. "You got that right... uh, I mean yeah, it's a real shame," Kenobi said. "A total disaster it is not," I said, "Coupons for Taco Bell I have." After almost having to eat Senator Amidala's cooking, more than ready to make a run for the border I was.

Younglings and Clean Rooms

Trouble keeping their rooms clean, the Younglings have. Kenobi's influence this is, I fear. Try harder to keep him away from the Younglings, I must. "Harvey, cleaned your room like I told you, you have not." "Yes, I have, Master Yoda! See? I picked up everything off the floor, just like you told me." "And put it all under your bed you have." "No, I didn't, honest!" "Harvey, see this I can because made your bed you have not. Clearly visible, everything under your bed is. Besides, lifting your bed off of the floor, all of that junk is." The sharpest knife in the drawer, Harvey is not. "But it's put away!" "Coming from where, that whimpering is? Harvey, put the puppies under there too, you did not, did you?!" "Well, you told me to put them up too. I was gonna take them out tomorrow when we feed them." "Take all of that stuff from under the bed right now, you will. And put it all where it belongs you will too." Tons of stuff, he had to take out. A shovel we got out of the shed, because so much stuff there was. Clothes, stuffed banthas, Twinkie wrappers, toy fire speeders, Captain Typho action figures, Wonder Wookiee comic books, a mini-fridge, seven TV remote controls, a prosthetic leg (what the-?), a couple of lawn chairs, three bowling balls, several fishing rods, a disassembled lawn mower engine, several Barbie dolls, complete with Mustaphar Barbie Dream House. "Harvey, to whom do these Barbie dolls belong?" "They're mine. Master Windu gave them to me. He said they use to be his." Mental note: Keep Windu away from the Younglings too, I must. But the worst, that was not. "Kenobi?! Doing what under there are you?" "I sensed a Cheeto under here, and well, I guess I fell asleep," Kenobi said. "Harvey, notice a grown Jedi Master under your bed you did not?" "Yes," Harvey said, "but I thought he could keep the puppies company." Related those two have to be, the only explanation that is. ****** Been keeping up with Survivor Tatooine, have you? Down to two contestants, it will be soon. Shortly, win, someone will. Who it will be? Who? Hmm?

From Survivor Tatooine: Dolly and Doofuses

Tell you what you can expect in my latest post on Survivor Tatooine, I will not. But give you a little taste I will... Possibly miss this kind of excitement, how can you? Even more of Dolly on my post there is! Go there now you must! Also, check out the posts by those other doofuses contestants here you can.

My Chair This Is. Mine.

See this chair do you? My chair it is. Sit in my chair you may not. See how comfy I look in my chair do you? After many years, perfectly contoured to my tushy it has become. Contoured to your big tushy it is not. But if in my chair you sat, ruin the tushy contour you would. Sit in my chair you may not. Look at my chair you may not. Breathe on my chair you may not. Think about sitting in my chair you may not. Think that get away with sitting in my chair you can while out of town I am, do not. Use it even then I may. My holographic tushy it fits, also: Want to sit in my chair you really, really do not. If you sitting in my chair I find, well then... [WARNING: Too scary for young children and people with heart conditions this next image may be.] Like this I will look at you: Or maybe even like this I will look at you: Afraid are you? Good. You should be. Because if this you see me do: Already too late for you it is. Out of my chair you should have gotten when the chance you had. **** The final challenge on Survivor Tatooine all this week, it is. Forget to check it out do not! In the mood for your excuses I am not.

The Torture, The Anguish, The Humiliation

For much too long this has gone on. Inhumane it is. Cruel it is. Stand by and see others go through it any longer I can not. The torture, the anguish, the humiliation. Put a stop to this I must. No more karaoke nights at the Jedi Temple there will be! There, said it I have. If Kenobi singing "Achy Breaky Heart" one more time, I have to hear, go crazy I will. The stupidest song in the history of all music, that is. Write more intelligent lyrics, the Younglings could. Only worse, Kenobi's rendition makes it. The only person I know who can sing an entire song with only one note he is. Too bad it is that any of the notes that are actually in the song, that one note is not. Nor see Windu perform "I Feel Pretty" anymore, do I want. Completely unneccessary for him to pirouette while the song he sings, it is! Uncalled for that is. Better for everyone it would be if stopped now he was. There. Done it is. Already better I feel. ************* The week of the final challenge on Survivor Tatooine, this week is. Check it out all week you must because multiple posts by some of us there will be. Check it out, I said! Want me to whack you with my cane, do you?

Because the Way It Is, That Is

Teaching the Younglings about lightsaber dueling, I was. "And so, Younglings, if the high ground someone gets, won he has. Over the duel is. So running to the top of a little hill, the quickest way to win a duel is." "But didn't Master Kenobi beat Darth Maul, even though Darth Maul had the high ground?" "Yes, but different that was." "Why?" "Because, on a little hill Darth Maul was not. If standing on a little hill Maul was, stand a chance Kenobi would not." "Why?" "Because the high ground Darth Maul would have had, on a little hill." "But why?" "Because then higher than Kenobi, Darth Maul would have been, while on a little hill he was." "But, Master, you've beat lots of people and weren't they all taller than you? Wouldn't that make them higher than you?" "Yes, but very strong with the Force I am." "So, you could beat someone who got on top of a little hill?" "No." "Why not?" "The high ground he would have. Been listening have you?" "But, Master Yoda, why can't the other person just run up the hill, too?" "Because then get all his limbs chopped off, he would." "But why?" "Just the way it is, that is." "But couldn't the person who has the low ground just Force-throw a boulder or something at the guy on the hill?" "Work that would not." "Why?" "Because the high ground the other guy would have. Over it would be." "But what about Force-pushing the person off of the hill?" "No." "But couldn't -" "No." "But, why?" "Because." "Because why?" "Because time for recess it is. A headache Master Yoda has."

Kenobi's Health

Feeling a little sick today, Kenobi was. A sore throat and a little fever he had. Concerned about him I was. "Worry do not," I told him, "take care of you I will." A special drink I made for him. A drink I make for myself, it is. Dill pickle vinegar (the liquid that in pickle jars they put) mixed with juiced turnips, pureed womprat liver, and a little hotsauce, it is made of. A glass of that mixture I drink every morning. Add years to your life and keep you regular it will. Very regular. Almost 900 years old I am, but only 750 years old I feel. In fact, that only 700 I look, a lot of people tell me. To drink this too, I wanted Kenobi. For some reason, a little resistant to it he was. Tackle him to the ground and force feed it to him I had to. A big fight he put up. "Hold still, Kenobi," I said, "The airplane here comes! The hangar open! Brrrrrrrrrrr. The choo-choo train here comes. Choo-choo! Come on, Kenobi! Take out the enema kit, do not make me!" The trick that did. Then a fuss he made after fed it to him I had. "Yecccccch!!! For the love of God, cut out my tongue, please! Blechh!" "Come on, Kenobi, that bad it is not." "Someone get me one of them steel brushes so I can scrub my mouth out!" A big baby he is. The strange thing is, been feeding that to him all day I have, yet feeling any better he is not! Extremely regular he is now, but still the cold symptoms he has. Very puzzling that is. Perhaps more pureed womprat livers I should add. Hmm, yes.

100,000 Hits

Congratulations to Professor Xavier for winning the 100,000th Hit Contest! The 100,000th person to go through the cyber turnstyles and into my blog, he was. Though, I think maybe his Big Brainy Machine (or whatever called it is) he used to sense when just the right time to log on to my blog would be. If so, cheating that was! But still send him an autographed pic of me and a Gmail invite, I will. Honorable mention and 2nd place, Captain Typho gets. The 100,015th visitor he was. Making fun of his name, I enjoy. Captain Typhoon, Captain Typhoid, Captain Typo, Captain Tidy Bowl (OK, a stretch that one is). See how much fun it is do you? Join in the fun won't you? But also, check out his blog you should. An interesting and ongoing story on his blog he has. Also like to thank all of you, I would. Do this without you I could not. Your comments I enjoy, and the fact that linked to this blog, many of you have, I appreciate. The word keep spreading! Though the end of this blog this is not, a good time to roll some credits I thought it would be. Executive Producer Master Yoda Director Master Yoda Written by Master Yoda (as dictated to his Stupid Intern) Cast Master Yoda....Himself Doofus #1...Young Skywalker Doofus #2...Kenobi Doofus #3...Windu Supporting Doofuses Senator Amidala...Herself Chewbacca...Himself Dooku...Himself Chancellor Palpatine...Himself Qui-Gon Jinn...Himself Yaddle...Herself Jar Jar Binks...Himself Stunt Doubles Assorted Younglings Crew Camera...Stupid Intern Lighting...Stupid Intern Sound...Stupid Intern Mr. Yoda's Assitant...Stupid Intern Coffee Fetcher...Stupid Intern Mr. Yoda's Footrest...Stupid Intern Harmed in the making of this blog, no Wookiees were. ********** By the way, checked out my Stupid Intern's blog have you? Shared his pain about his many bad haircuts he has. Take my word for it you can, a bad haircut he has. But only so much you can do with a head that goofy-looking, you can.

From Survivor Tatooine: The Contemplatively Candid Confessional

Reminder: About the contest forget not! Probably today, the 100,000th visitor will be. Part of my latest post from Survivor Tatooine this is: Stand these doofuses anymore I can not. Too much the drama is. Even sleep anymore I can not because of the stupid arguments they have. The other night, having this argument they were. "Easy, there, Farm Boy," Solo said to Young Starbucker, "I'm just sayin' it has to be Jessica's fault for her break-up with Nick. You can look at her and tell she's a tramp." Bright red like a tomato, Young Starbucker's face was getting. "You take that back, Han! Jessica Simpson has great morals! They tricked her into wearing those skimpy clothes in The Dukes of Hazzard! You don't know what you're talking about!" "You gotta lot to learn about women, Kid." "Oh, and I suppose you know anthing about them?" "Let's just say I've managed to kiss women who aren't my sister." ....Read the rest of this post here you can. ____________________________________ Update to the MeMe: Tagged, a blogger by the name of Progressively Yours, is. Kind enough to link to my blog she is. So kind enough to tag her with this annoying meme, I am.

Dread of Dooku

Dooku. Want to take out my lightsaber and cleave something in half, the very sound of his name Makes me. The other day, watching TV we were, when on the screen Dooku's face came. Instantly, the television I destroyed with my lightsaber. A reflex it was. "Ah, snap!" Young Skywalker said, "That's like the 5th televizzle you wasted this week, yo! Now how am I supposed to watch my Cribs?" "Want to watch a show about babies, why would you? Anyway, sorry I am. Help it I can not. A reflex that was." "This is why we can't have nice things," Windu said. "'Sides, Little Y," Young Skywalker said, "that Dookulax commercial comes on about a bazillion times a day, G, especially during the geezer shows you watch." "Matlock a 'geezer show' is not! Be appreciated by all ages it can." "Anyway, why you all hatin on Dooku and spit? It was my arm he sliced off, yo." "Young Skyalker, read my blog at all have you? Many reasons to smite Dooku down I have. (Easy to speak with hyperlinks it is not) More important than your arm it is. At least see me whining all time you do not. All the time what I hear from you is, 'Oh my arm', 'My arm I wish I had back'. Wah, wah, wah. A real reason to be mad I have -'Jedi Master Kermit' he called me!" "Whatever, yo. You gots to do less hatin on the TVs, G. Ain't no way my girlf-, uh, I mean Senator Amidala is gonna wanna hang here, without a TV." Really, Dooku's fault it is. His smiting down, he keeps putting off. Make an appointment for it we will. Arrange a specific time and place we will, then show up he will not. Very rude that is. All the trouble to prepare for his smiting, I go through. At least show up to get smote down, he could. So, Dooku, if listening you are, stand still so that smite you down I can!

A New Contest

Updated his blog, my Stupid Intern has. Wait, his own blog he updated? Find the time to do that, when did he? Just post on his blog three months ago, he did. Obviously, enough to do around here he has not if time to post so frequently he has. Find more things for him to do I must. About the trouble getting a good haircut he has, it is. And tell you let me, one goofy-looking head he has, so what he is talking about he knows. So read it you must or stop whining to me he will not. Anyway, in the next few days, reach 100,000 hits this blog will. Very excited about that and very grateful to all of you, I am. That is why going to host a contest I am. If the 100,000th visitor you are, an autographed photo and a Gmail invitation you will receive. Also, a link to your blog or website I will provide in the post where the winner I announce. What? Look like a member of the Prize Patrol to you, do I? Know who the 100,000th visitor is, how will I? Tell me, that person will. If the 100,000th visitor you are, email me a screenshot of the counter and the url you must. Look like this it can: If know how to make a screenshot you do not, read this you can. Of course, do this the 100,000th visitor might not. So, if close to the 100,000th visitor you are (100,001...100,002...etc.), email me a screenshot you still can. Maybe win you will. Cheat do not! That fake a screenshot like this you can, I know. If you cheating I catch, a safe place in the galaxy for you there will not be. Beware the power of my Force-wedgie! Known true fear you have not until received a Force-wedgie from me you have. Anyway, like to thank you all for your support and patronage I would. Made this a lot of fun for me you have.

Stupid MeMes!

In an outrageous abuse of Senatorial power, tagged me with this meme, Senator Amidala has. See the whole meme on her blog, you can. Do the whole thing I will not, and make me you can not! So there! 10 Years Ago I Was: 5 Years Ago I Was: 1 Year Ago I Was: 5 3 Snacks I Enjoy the Most: Ben & Jerry's Chunky Munky (Shut up, Young Skywalker!) Cracker Jack's (The toys inside I enjoy, especially the fake tatoos) Tootsie Pops (Lived almost 900 years I have, and found out how many licks it takes to get to the center of one of these I have not) 5 Items You Will Never See Me Wear: Miniskirts (Nothing for my thighs they do) Britney Spears' Rhinestone Bra Anything that worn previously, Kenobi has Pinstripes (Short they make me look) Bicycle pants (At least, not since the 80's) There! As much as I feel like doing, that is! If like it you do not, sue me you can! And if tag me with one of these things, anyone else does, tag you back I will - with my lightsaber! Hmph! Supposed to inflict this nuisance on five other bloggers I am, but stop the insanity I must! One blogger there is who actually likes these things I know. Nic, her name is. Send it only to her I will. So Nic, tagged you are. No tag-backs. Safe on base I am. Called it I have. (Note to SWU members: If been tagged with this meme you have not, and for some strange reason would like to be, email me you can. Tag you and list your blog in this post I will.) Addendum: Asked to be tagged, Haris has. From a planet called Bosnia, he is. Very interesting his blog is. So Haris, tagged you are. Tagged Tahl is too. A Jedi who speaks 1337, she is.

Very Serious, A Jedi's Meditation Is

Today, in the meditation room I went so that take a na- uh, I mean, meditate without distraction, I could. My eyes I closed and deeply into meditation I fell. For a good half an hour, meditating I was. Suddenly, jarred out from my meditation I was. My eyes I opened. What the...? In the living room on top of the TV I was. Sitting on the couch staring at me, Kenobi and Young Skywalker were. "Aaaaaa! Doing what here, am I?" "Yo, G. Don't move. The picture is perfect," Young Skywalker said. "What? Talking about what are you? Get here how did I? An explanation I demand." "I'm sorry, Master," Kenobi said, "we thought you'd be sleepin a little longer." "Sleeping I was not! Meditating I was! How many times have to tell you that, do I?" "Yeah?" Young Skywalker said, "You like the only dude I know who snores while he meditatin'." "On this television why am I?!" I demanded. "The cable was out again. We needed to get a picture on the TV somehow." Kenobi said. "Yeah, Little Y. Your ears gets like the greatest reception and spit, G." Young Skywalker added. "Turn me into a Rabbit Ears antenna you have?! My slee... er, meditation for this you disturb?!" "All the other times," Kenobi said, "we got you back into the Meditation room before you woke up, I mean, were done with your mediation. But this time, see, channel 2 was showing this Very Brady Marathon, and we couldn't miss..." "'All the other times'?!" I yelled, "Been doing this for how long have you?" "Only the past six or seven years," Kenobi answered, "and only when the Cable was out." "What?!! So mad at you I am..." "Yo, G, chill," Young Skywalker said, "At least we ain't as bad as the Younglings. I mean, they wait 'till you aslee... uh, meditatin', then play stuff like 'Connect the Liver Spots' with your head, yo. At least Obs and I ain't done that, least, not lately." Oooooh, so angry I am! Going to pay for this, people are today. Written about the Force-wedgies I will give today, songs will be.

Wookie Concert

To go with him to a concert on Kashyyyk, Chewbacca asked me. Like Wookiee concerts I do not. Pleasant they are not. Constantly afraid of getting stepped on I am. Wild those Wookiee crowds can be. And watch where they step, drunk Wookiees do not. Which to another point brings me. Every time at these things, drunk Chewie gets. Be so bad that would not, but a sentimental crying drunk Chewie is. Tell you I can not how many times at 3:00 am this phone call I received, "Mwaaaarrrrrrrr!" "Yes, Chewie, 'love you too, Man,' I do. Now alone leave me and some sleep let me get!" I say. But the worst thing about Wookiee concerts that is not. Want to know what the worst thing about any Wookiee event is, do you? Tell you I will. The way Wookiees applaud it is - by farting. Yes, right that is. Clap they do not. Cheer they do not. Stamp their feet, snap their fingers, or beat their chests they do not. When a performance they like, rip they just let one. And tell you let me, especially bad it is to be in a room full of farting Wookiees when my height you are. Besides, since playing in this concert the Wookie band Tootie and the Blow-Sith is, only smellier it will be. So going I am not. Maybe send Windu there I will, though. Unsuspecting he will be. Hmm, yes.

From Survivor Tatooine: Stupid Fears!

This week on Survivor: Tatooine, to face our fears we were forced. And yes, face my fear of spiders I had to! Here an excerpt is: Through the first ring I stepped. At first, surrounded by blackness I was. Then, surrounded by a very bright white light, I was. Actually, an off-white it was. Then, more of a fuschia it turned into. Getting annoying it was. "Enough with the special effects already!" I yelled. "Yeah, kind of gets on your nerves, doesn't it?" a voice behind me said. Around I spun. Sitting comfortably on a chaise lounge and holding a peanut-butter sandwich in one hand, a big, ugly, hairy spider was! Huge it was! Maybe seven feet tall! And talking to me it was! Immediately, a new pair of shorts I required. "Please, Mr. Spider, bite me do not!" Shaking too much to run, my legs were. "The name's Steve, Steve Spider. Nice to meet ya." One of his hairy legs he extended to me to shake. Read the whole post here, you can.

Planet Florida

Been studying this planet called "Florida", I have. A puzzle it is. It seems that many ways to die there, there is. Safe in the water you are not. Regularly eaten by sharks, this race of people called "surfers" are. Safe outside on the land you are not. Odds are, struck by lightning you will be. Safe in your own neighborhood you are not. Every day, come out of a pond and carry someone off from their own backyard, an alligator will. Safe anywhere on Planet Florida you are not during the summer, because hit by several hurricanes you will be. Live on this planet why would anyone?!! Maybe leave the planet, many can not. I know that enslaved by a very rich and powerful mafia boss known only as "Mickey the Mouse", many Floridians are. Several years ago, stranded on Planet Florida a youngling named Elian Gonzalez was. Brought there by magical dolphins or something he was. Know I do not. Something amazing he must have done. Otherwise, pay him so much attention that whole planet would not have. Anyway, to keep him on the planet many Floridians actually fought! It seems to me that safer on his home planet away from the lightning/alligators/sharks, he would have been. But, live on this planet why would anyone else? Maybe so alluring the native females are, that bring themselves to leave, the men can not? Hmm, no, be the reason that can not. Maybe smart enough to leave, these people are not. After all, trouble with simple counting they have. Especially hard for them, the counting of votes is. Two or three times it takes them before right they get it. Even then, sure they are not. Another question I have - with so much death on that planet, still growing why is the population? Perhaps with this race known as "retirees" the answer lies. Every winter, a spiritual pilgramage to this planet many old people from this race make. Often relocating there permantly they end up. Like to know who is tricking these old people into moving to this dangerous planet I would! Teach those con artists a lesson, I would! Hmph!

Proper Picking Etiquette

Eating some microwave popcorn I am. The extra mega butter flavor I got. Important to eat things loaded with butter it is. That way, able to slide right through you the food will be. Unfortunately, tonight stuck in my teeth some of the popcorn kernels got. Much trouble it was taking to get them out. But, want to be crude or make a scene I did not. Very important for a Jedi Master of my stature to maintain his dignity at all times it is. Set an example I must. So the most discreet and dignified way possible to get the kernels out I chose. "Looking at what, are you, Young Skywalker?" "Nothing, G. I just ain't never seen nobody pick they teeth with they toenizzle, yo." "Hmph! Of course, using my toenail to pick my teeth I am. Rude it would be if with my fingers I picked my teeth! Acquire some culture you must." Also the reason that with my toe I pick my nose, it is. Surprised I am not that puzzled by my superior table manners, Young Skywalker is. Raised by Kenobi he was, so crude he is. Used to my kind of sophistication he is not.

DMV Blues III: Indignity

Continued from the last two posts, this is. Very stressful, trying to renew my driver's license had been. Now, the only thing left for me to do, taking a vision test was. Nervous I was, because studied for this "vision" test I had not. "OK," the lady said, "Look into this viewfinder and read off the top row for me." "E Y O P Q, it says." "I'm sorry, that's incorrect." "But close I was." "Actually, those are all numbers on the top row." "What?!" "Do you have eye glasses, contact lenses, or any kind of corrective lenses?" "No. Never needed glasses before, I have." "Well, I'm sorry, but we can't issue you a license until you get some sort of corrective lenses." "Look lady, need glasses I do not..." "First of all, I'm a guy. Secondly, I'm standing over here. That's the coat rack you're talking to." Hmph! Used the Jedi Mind Trick on these people I would have, but long ago I learned that work on DMV workers, the trick does not. Strong with the Dark Side, they are. Since no other choice I had, to get some eye glasses I went. At one of those one-hour places I bought them, since my license I wanted to get that day. When done the exam was, about my vision test I told the doctor. "Honestly, doctor, that bad my eyesight is not, I know." "Actually, I'm surprised you didn't come in here with a seeing-eye Wookiee." So, some frames I picked out that make me look too nerdy would not: Then back to the DMV to renew my license I went. This time, the vision test I passed. (Yes, a guy that was. But very skinny he was. Easy to confuse him with the coat rack it could be.) Finally, getting my picture taken for the license I was. "Alright," the photographer said, "here we go. Smile." "Wait! Ready I am not..." Nothing for me, this picture does. That goofy-looking I am not. A chance to comb my hair, he did not give me. Trying to smile I was. Instead, frightened I look. But be honest with me, really that fat am I?

DMV Blues II: Continue the Humiliation Does

Continued from yesterday's post, this is. So this "over the road" exam I have to take just so renew my driver's license I can, only because over 650 years old I am. A joke that is. Nothing wrong with the way I drive there is. Been driving for over 800 years I have, and received a single speeding ticket I have not. Anyway, waiting outside my aispeeder was, so into it the instructor and I got. Uncomfortable, the instructor seemed. "Uh, do you think we could scoot the seat back a little? My knees are in my face." "Sorry. Scoot the seat back we can not. Or else, able to reach the pedals I would not." "Yeah, speaking about that, are you sure you're tall enough to safely operate this vehicle?" "Of course tall enough I am. Ask, why do you?" "Oh, no reason. It just seems that you would have a hard time seeing over..." "See fine I can. Get this over with let us." "OK, put on your left turn signal and pull away from the curb." Away from the curb I pulled. Immediately honk and swerve around from behind me, some maniac did. "You didn't look behind you when you pulled out into traffic," the instructor said. "Because going backwards I was not, that is." "But didn't you hear that other driver honk?" "Yes, very rude of him that was." Continue nit-picking like this the whole time this instructor would. "You know, you could turn off your turn signal. The last turn was fifteen minutes ago." "Know that you're timing my turn signals, I did not. Maybe keep your eyes on the road, you should." "You're going 15 miles per hour." "Yes, how fast I normally go that is. If too fast for you that is, go slower I can." "But the speed limit on this flyway is 125 miles per hour!" "So? In a hurry you are? Paid by the hour you are, are you not?" To parallel park, he made me. Parallel parking I hate. So hard it is. To park on top of another speeder I prefer. "You just hit the speeder behind you!" "No, just nudge it gently with my rear bumper, I did. Leave me enough room that driver did not." "But you hit the speeder in front of us, too!" "To make room to get out, I needed." At last, heading back to the DMV we were. "Wait! You can't turn in here! You're going the wrong way! This is a one-way flyway!" "OK that is. Only going one way I am." "We're going to hit someone! We could have an accident! This is a very busy flyway! Oh, my god, here comes an oncoming speeder! We're going to crash!" What a whiner he was. Finally back to the DMV we got. "So, pass the exam did I?" "Absolutely not! I've done this job for twenty-three years, and that is the worst driving I have ever seen! I fully intend to give you a failing grade just as soon as I stop shaking and I can pry my fingers out of this dash board!" The doors I locked and the top I put up. "What are you doing?" "Going to give me another chance you are. Going to take you on another ride I am." "No!! WAIT!! Uh, you know, I think I've changed my mind. You passed. Yes, that's right. You passed with flying colors. So no need for a second ride! No sir!" The doors I unlocked and out of the speeder he jumped. Ever seen anyone get on all fours and kiss the landing pad like that I have not. A strange one, this guy was. "Thank you," I told him. "Yes, well, if you'll excuse me, I have to go find a clean pair of shorts now. And I think I'll call my wife and tell her how much I love her, too." But get my driver's license just yet, I could not. Have to take the vision test, I would. Talk about that in tomorrow's post, I will.

DMV Blues

Renew my driver's license the other day, I had to. A big hassle that is. Going to the DMV I hate. Up to the counter I went. "Excuse me, to renew my..." "Take a red number and sit over there," a lady said. "Want me to sit where, do you?" "Over there, right where I'm point... Where are you?" "Down here I am." Over the counter the lady leaned and at me she frowned. "Oh. Monkeys aren't allowed to have driver's licenses. Next." "A monkey I am not! Want a Force-wedgie do you?" "Alright. Then take a red number. We'll be right with you." A number I took. 435,852. Use a number more than once they do not, I thought. Then out the lady shouted. "Next is number 3. Who has number 3?" What?! A long day this would be. Fortunately, numbers 2,854 through 3,604 no one had. Unfortunately, keep the lady from calling out each of those numbers one-by-one, that did not. "Number 2,999. Does anyone have number 2,999? I said, 'does anyone have number 2,999?' Last call for 2,999... Number 3,000. Does anyone have number 3000... " AAAAAAAAAH! Finally, my number she called. Relieved I was. Sitting for so long I had been that all feeling in my tushy I had lost. "At last! My license I need to renew..." "Take these forms and go stand in that line over there." A long, long line she pointed to. See where the line went to, I could not. A long time in that line I stood. When close to the end I thought I was getting, around another corner it would curve. Getting weak, my legs were. Finally, at the front of the line I was. But, to the same front desk I was at before, it went! Up to the desk I went. "Excuse me, to renew my driver's license I..." "Take a blue number and sit over there." "But over there already I waited..." "Did you take a red number, or a blue one?" "A red one I took." "Then you were waiting for your turn to stand in line." "For what the line is, then?" "That's the line to get a blue number. Take a number and sit over there. We'll be with you shortly." More tushy-numbing sitting. Driving me crazy, it was. Finally, helping me renew my license someone was. Asking me silly questions, he was. "Height?" "Two feet, two inches, I am." "Weight?" "Thirty-five pounds." (Ok, a little I lied. But thirty-five pounds once, I was.) "Do you want to be an organ donor?" "No. Own any musical instruments I do not." A silly question that is. What with your driver's license does that have to do? "Ok, and I see your birth date is... Oh, uh-oh." "What?" "Everyone over the age of 650 is required to take an on-the-road exam when renewing their license. It's a new law." Happy about that I was not. But tell you about that tomorrow, I will.

On Survivor Tatooine: Tummy Trouble

Checked out Survivor: Tatooine lately have you? Having to eat four courses of disguting food, our latest challenge is. An excerpt from my post this is: The toughest challenge ever, this would be. Require much meditation on my part to prepare, it would. Some time to prepare before the challenge they gave us, so my meditation chant I started. "An illusion the food is... specters, ghosts ... has substance it does not... taste like chicken it will..." "Yoda?" JJ interrupted, "What are you doing?" "Meditating I am. Shoo." "Why are you doing... ouch! hey!" With my cane repeatedly I whacked him. "See can you not how peaceful and calm I am?! Now go away!" More food meditation chants I tried, "The airplane here comes... Open the hangar... hummmm... the choo choo here comes... open the tunnel... hummm... Know how do you that like it you do not until it you try... hummm... Grow big and strong you will not if eat your beetles you do not... hummm... Many starving children in the world who would love to eat those ronto intestines there are... hummm..." Read the rest of this post and the posts from the other contestants here you can.