Walk Away

"If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don't need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices."

I read this paragraph today in the book I'm currently reading. Love it. So true. The end. 

I love to see the temple, I'm going there TODAY!

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. There was a bunch of stuff going on in my head. Weird stuff. Stuff that was not particularly pleasant, but a good learning experience. I feel like so much has been happening with me that I don't know what to write about. I wasn't feeling very inspired with what to write for a while either, but I finally figured out what I should write about: How attending the temple can help you change your life.

Well, that's a big duh. But something that I've experienced, particularly lately as I've tried to attend the temple once a week, is that Satan will do everything he can to keep you away from the temple. It seems like such a small thing like looking to the brass serpent to be healed. But maybe because it's such an easy thing (to attend the temple) we make easy and quick excuses not to go. "Oh I'm tired I'll probably just fall asleep in the session. Oh I had a hard day at work today. Oh I don't have a car and I don't want to take the metro during rush  hour. I forgot to pack a dinner and I'm going to be hungry the whole time. My skirt zipper broke and my underwear is showing (okay that really happened and I still went!). Or, hmm maybe I'll just go next week. Or I think I'm coming down with a cold. I'd rather go home and watch America's Next Top Model. The excuses are pretty much endless.

Whenever I notice/realize that Satan is trying to keep me from doing something, I realize how important it must really be. And how much good will come from it because he's trying to keep it from happening. And it really is the little things that build up slowly until suddenly you're unsure how you got where you are. Putting off going to the temple until next week and then next month and then suddenly you haven't been for months!! It seems like a little thing at the time, but it's the little things we consistently do each day that make us who we are.

But once you get to the temple.... IT'S SO WORTH IT!!!! And then you just want to keep going again and again. You leave feeling empowered and full of strength. Feeling like you can take on the world and that anything is possible with God's help. I leave feeling so peaceful and full of hope for the future and grateful for the present. I'm so glad that I'm at a place in my life right now where I'm not terribly busy, I have no husband or children to take care of. I have no excuse NOT to go to the temple once a week.

I find that when I attend the temple, loving others is easier. Choosing not to be offended is easier. Having a smile on my face and joy in my heart comes easily. I feel much lighter (because I have the spirit with me). Life just doesn't seem as daunting or even mundane. Choosing to do the right thing seems more accessible and temptations are less attractive.

There are so many changes I want to make in my life and some healing that I still need to go through. And it's hard work trying to accept and apply the atonement in your life sometimes. Change is hard. But attending the temple will help accelerate that change. That's what I want so much. I'm on the fast track to change and growth because I've made the commitment to be PURPOSEFUL in my worship and temple attendance.

This is what I Strive For

This picture right here encapsulates what I want to be in my life. I think anyone living the gospel standards in today's world HAS to be brave. And we all need to be kind to each other (aka CHARITY!). A little kindness goes a long way. I want to be brave and I want to be kind. Just a little thought for this rainy Friday.

Quest Fulfilled...well at least mostly filled!

I started this whole Quest for Beauty because I did not feel beautiful and I knew it was up to me to try and change how I felt about myself. Growing up, I never felt beautiful. Whenever someone would comment on how pretty I was I just felt really confused as to why they would even say that. I felt like it was kind of rude for them to lie to my face like that. As for the old women who would say how pretty I was... I just thought they were delusional old ladies who didn't know any better and well bless their hearts. When my ex-husband told me I was the prettiest girl he had ever dated, I thought he was just saying that to be nice. I had seen pictures of his most recent ex-girlfriend and she was skinnier than me; therefore she was prettier.

One thing I've learned on my quest for beauty is that everyone, no matter what they look like can be beautiful. No really and truly!!! Everyone. Because beauty lights you up from the inside and shines out of your eyes and through your smile and your shining aura. There are some people that on first meeting them I didn't think they were particularly beautiful to look at. But once I got to know them and their hearts I felt like they were so gorgeous and beautiful. There are the other people who are technically beautiful on the outside who just strive to make you feel as small as they can. They are not really beautiful.

Personally, on my quest I've been trying to be both. Beautiful on the outside and a beautiful shining light and spirit. And lately, I am pleased to report that I have been feeling beautiful. No, really and truly! When I look in the mirror, I don't lie to myself. I look into my eyes and truly think that I am beautiful. Yes, I would like to lose A LOT more weight but I know that alone wouldn't be enough to convince myself that I am beautiful. It's what comes from within that can help you to feel like you're beautiful on the outside too. It's so cliche but as I've said on this blog before... I've found that most cliches are true.

Maybe it's because I've been feeling beautiful and that's been apparent to those around me because I've had a few strangers comment on how pretty I am lately. Man it feels good for me to hear that. (Especially because now I'm starting to believe them!) Maybe I should start telling people more that I think they're lovely, even if it's a stranger on the metro. A girl I didn't know at church told me that I look just like a certain movie star and that she thought I was so pretty (trust me I don't look anything like that movie star but it was a nice compliment). My friend overheard the cashier at Whole Foods told his co-worker, "man that girl was really pretty" referring to me.

Anyway, I think the key to the quest for beauty has been to believe. Believe that you are beautiful and you will appear to be beautiful to everyone else too. (Well, not everyone haters gon' hate!)

How have I come to believe that I'm beautiful? I think for me, it's been a combination of things but most recently it's been from trying to do hard things and being successful. Not 100% successful all the time, but trying and persisting anyway. I feel beautiful because I've been doing what the Lord has asked of me, even though it feels impossible at times and it's really hard in the moment. Oh and I've been able to start loving myself too. Wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles! None of this is every day all the time no matter what... yet. But I'll get there.

I've been praying and trying so hard to feel like I'm beautiful and to love myself and as I've done the things the Lord has prompted me to do (even things that I felt like had absolutely no connection), I've been able to feel beautiful and feel love for myself. Something I'm sure I couldn't have done alone. It's amazing how the Lord really does make up for those things you can't do alone, after all you've done and put in all the effort you can.

“There is no point treating a depressed person as though she were just feeling sad, saying, 'There now, hang on, you'll get over it.' Sadness is more or less like a head cold- with patience, it passes. Depression is like cancer.” 
― Barbara Kingsolver, The Bean Trees

I had a good friend of mine tell me that she's not sure if she could ever marry the boy she's dating right now. Because he once had depression. He no longer has depression, he is a really wonderful guy. She was worried that it would make their marriage harder than it needed to be. I will be honest with you, it made me really sad. It never really occurred to me before that someone wouldn't want to marry me because I had depression in my past. That someone wouldn't want to marry me because I was divorced and overweight... yes that has occurred to me but severe depression isn't something I suffer from anymore.

It (depression) has taught me so much. I am proud to have been through hell on earth and made it out alive. Having depression has made me really feel and cherish the joys of everyday life. Life without depression is SO WONDERFUL and so amazing. I really like noticing the everyday beauties of life and I feel like it's made me a more grateful and happy person. Depression made me a BETTER PERSON. I can honestly say that suffering from clinical depression for years was way harder than being in an abusive marriage and having my husband leave me. The depression was much much more of a trial (although I know it was brought on by the previous two things).

Imagine the hardest thing that has ever happened to you. How did you feel? Were you sobbing? Did you feel confused or angry at why it was happening to you? Did you wonder if it was your fault that it happened? Were you full of fear and did you feel completely alone? Imagine feeling that way every day, all the time FOR YEARS. That's what depression was like for me. It is serious, it is real. You can't just pray your way out of it or make up your mind to be happy or change your "attitude". But then you come out of it and you are a different person. Depression is very much like the refiner's fire because it really feels that painful. You are put through fire and you emerge a different much better person who is closer to God. And I think it's a wonderful thing. I think those who have experienced this depression and lived through it and became a better person, are the people you should actually be looking for to marry. People who can make it through the hardest times, because marriage is going to be hard. Because life is hard. Choose someone who will choose to be happy in spite of it all.

It makes me sad to know that because people don't really understand depression, they sometimes judge unfairly. Not just depression either; divorce, addiction, abuse. I just want to educate people about it. Especially people in our church.

"How Does She Knoooow You Love Her?!" (Name that movie!)

If I've done any (or maybe all?) of the following things with/for you, that's how you know I love you.

Sharing sweet treats. :)
Giving special nicknames.
Talking about important things and really silly random things too.
Asking for advice.
Giving lots of hugs.
Spending time doing nothing together.
Writing little notes.
Confiding my fears and hopes for the future.
Laughing and singing and dancing!

If I don't love someone, they get none of that stuff. Haha! To the ones I love, thanks for loving me too!

Trust

There's been one thought pulsating in my head ever since my fast yesterday. Trust. Trust. Trust. I've been hearing it in time with the beating of my heart. Trust. Trust. Trust.

Trust. Well turns out, that's not so easy for someone with abandonment issues. But I'm going to try. Try. Try. Try.

Try to Trust.

They like me! They really really like me!

I wished my friend happy birthday on her facebook wall and this was the comment she made:

"Mary, I am just so glad there are people like you in the world. Anytime I get in one of my weird paranoia moods about how we are living in Sodom and Gomorra and there is no good left and God is getting ready to smite us--I think of you and just what a cool person you are. You're just the best."

Man, it just makes me feel really good! Like rill good. ;)

Also, over the weekend I met my roomies sister for the first time and apparently she told my roommate that she liked me because I was sincere and just a "real" girl. And that means a lot to me. It's just cool when people you don't know that well or don't spend that much time with can pick up on who you are. It's nice to know the type of vibe I give off that I'm not even aware of.

I like hearing these things. I'm going to try to remind myself of these incidences when I'm down on myself and think I'm not good enough. Other people think I'm pretty awesome, so I'm gonna believe it too!

In other random news, I got that globe for $4 at Saver's this weekend. Pretty awesome. 

Also this was my co-worker Nikky's last day at work. So sad! I took her out for lunch and ice cream. We haven't hired a new person yet... but who knows? Maybe they will be a new friend. I hope so, it will be hard to replace Nikky! 

Trust Love

Something I've been thinking about for a loooong time:
"You can only love others as much as you love yourself."
 I have been fighting against this belief ever since I heard it. I know that I love other people a lot. But myself, meh... not so much. But I felt that because everyone says it, there's got to be some truth to it. I've been trying to reconcile the fact that my belief is that I love others but not myself...so am I wrong? Do I really not love others?

But I think I finally figured it out at least a little bit. What I came up with was this: "You can only trust others to love you as much as you love yourself". The whole trusting that others love me thing has been my problem. I love other people, but I don't always trust that they love me too. Because I don't have as much love for myself. If I don't love me, then why would they?

And because I don't have as much self-love, I sometimes don't even accept the way others are trying to show me love. I reject it and say to myself, they don't really love me. If they did, then they would do x,y, or z. But in their minds (and in reality!) they do love me and they are trying to show me that. If I would just accept the love they are giving me in the way they are showing it and TRUST that they can and do love me, then everything would be just peachy.

Anyways...I'm working on loving myself more. And trusting that others love me. And learning how they show me love and accepting that love.

All you need is love. Buh buh dada da.

Swallowing your pride (and your lean cuisine)

Earlier today as I was microwaving my lean cuisine, my coworker (who totally reminds me of my ex mother-in-law) decided to give me some advice. She told me it was bad for me to eat those every day because of all the sodium and they were making me retain water, etc etc. She always comments on what I eat. When we went out to lunch on Friday I got a roast beef sandwich and she was commenting on how she couldn't believe how I ate the whole thing, she only just eats half of the sandwiches there.

For some reason people feel like they can always comment on the things I eat. It's really hard for me sometimes. Especially because I'm trying to be healthier and I actually have been losing weight. But people don't want to comment on that, they want to focus on things I'm doing wrong.

I went outside and cried really hard to my mom about it. People on the sidewalks were probably like "wow, what is this girl's problem, did someone just die?" haha. But I remembered the article I read this morning from the Ensign talking about how when people hurt our feelings, they almost always are not doing it on purpose. People usually aren't trying to hurt others feelings, although that can happen quite frequently. So later on during my lunch break when she came back to lecture me for 15 mins on what I should be eating, I decided to try and have charity and give her the benefit of the doubt. I told myself she is just trying to help me and maybe she really does care and wants me to eat healthy. I wanted to just say, hey guess what this is actually me doing pretty good eating wise back off! But I just smiled and thanked her for her advice. And when I decided to have charity towards her I actually felt love for her in that moment.

I'm grateful for daily scripture study because it really does help me to keep Christ in mind all day and to try to act as He would act. Like I said before, the small things can really make such a huge difference in your day to day life.

And I will also say it's hard when you don't have a car to go buy groceries with and you don't have any groceries and you have to buy food at CVS and your roommates go to the store without you (ahem, last night). But at least I'm still running!!! ;) And trying to have charity...

Patience in changing

I'm always trying to work on myself and be better. Which can be a really good thing, depending on the motive. But sometimes for me, I think it's a bad thing because I am motivated by the fact that I think I am a bad person. And other times, I think it's because part of me remembers who I was before I came here. And there's an inkling of what I can become, and I want to reach that potential. Whatever my motivation may be, I am constantly trying and trying and planning and trying to do things to be better.

 I have been successful over the years in improving myself but I still have a lot that I want to change. There is something in particular that I'm trying to work on right now (letting go of lots of anger that is holding me back) but I get frustrated because I don't know what steps I need to take. I often feel lost in my plans to change because I don't know what path to take. Where's the list that says "okay, now do this and then this and then this and you will be changed"?

For the past couple of years I've been learning that answer for my desire to change comes through the Atonement. But it's still a learning process. I'm still learning how to actually apply the atonement in my life.
I think Satan tries to make me believe there is some magical process that I have to go through and if I don't know "the way" or exact steps I can't make the change. But that's not true. The only thing I need is a desire to change and to have trust in the Lord that He can help me make that change. Sometimes the answer is so simple we overlook it and keep searching.

Another problem I've been having lately is that I'm afraid that I'm turning into a really mean person. But again, the answer is very simple. I will try and have charity towards others. Not just when I feel like it; all the time. Even when I'm PMSing. I just have to make the decision and trust that the Lord can give me the strength if I really have the desire and if I really try. It's doing to small things every day that will help me to make those desired changes in my life. And those simple things will help me to make it back to Heavenly Father.

The following quotes are from Henry B. Eyring's latest talk from General Conference entitled "Mountains to Climb". Re-reading this talk for the third time this morning helped me to realize all the things I just wrote about in this post. And it's a small and simple thing to do, (reading and re-reading talks) but so far today, it's made all the difference.

"It is never too late to strengthen the foundation of faith. There is always time. With faith in the Savior, you can repent and plead for forgiveness. There is someone you can forgive. There is someone you can thank. There is someone you can serve and lift. You can do it wherever you are and however alone and deserted you may feel.


I cannot promise an end to your adversity in this life. I cannot assure you that your trials will seem to you to be only for a moment. One of the characteristics of trials in life is that they seem to make clocks slow down and then appear almost to stop.

There are reasons for that. Knowing those reasons may not give much comfort, but it can give you a feeling of patience. Those reasons come from this one fact: in Their perfect love for you, Heavenly Father and the Savior want you fitted to be with Them to live in families forever. Only those washed perfectly clean through the Atonement of Jesus Christ can be there."

Truly (She lives without fear)

I know a girl named Truly.

She lives without fear.

Her dark brown hair is short and chin-length and always seems to fall into place (which is fortunate because she usually forgets to brush it).

She routinely wears large framed glasses and very little clothing.

She's the type of girl who laughs when it rains and searches for deep puddles to jump in.

She lives without fear.

She's giddy with life and creates excuses to laugh because it's her favorite hobby.

She is fierce in every sense of the word; fiercely brave, fiercely loyal, and loves with a fierce intensity.

She is affectionate and constant (you can't walk down the sidewalk without her holding your hand).

She is eternally curious and infinitely tenderhearted. 

She lives without fear.

She appreciates the attention of men but is undaunted when unaccompanied. 

She is full of knowledge and wisdom yet as free and loving as a child.

She knows exactly who she is, she never forgot. (Sometimes she tries to remind me).

She is beautiful and full of grace because she lives...

without fear.

She's the only person I completely trust.

She has never left me, not even once. (Even though I once thought she was lost).

I hope one day I will be all of her and she will be all of me.

But for now, she is Truly.

And I will live without fear.

Happiness Is...

Happiness is.... Dancing around your room in the dark (in your underwear!) with only flashes of lightening to light your way.
Dairy Godmother.
Friends who call you before going to the grocery store.
Getting a seat on the metro ride home.
Nutella.
Spending an hour at work talking with your coworker (friend) and not working for that whole hour.
A weekend roadtrip to the city of Brotherly Love!

It's the little things

Last week I was walking home with a friend of mine named Jenny. I mentioned to her that I wanted to go get the mint oreo custard at Dairy Godmother but I was busy both nights that they had it. For those of you who have never been to Dairy Godmother let me assure you it is heaven!!! Every couple of days they have a new flavor of custard and I really wanted to try the mint oreo. Well guess what Jenny did?! She went and bought me a WHOLE PINT of mint oreo custard and brought it to me!!! I just thought that was the nicest thing ever. It may not seem like a big deal to some people but to me it meant so much. My love language is gifts and I think the more unexpected and "just because" the gift, the more I love it. I think I just love the fact that it means that person is thinking about me and they take time out of their day to go and get something for me.

I also had some friends over for waffles tonight. We ate waffles with nutella, cookie butter, strawberries, whipped cream, syrup, blueberries, you name it we had it with our waffles! We also played a fun game afterwards. And then we all sat around eating the custard and laughing and talking. I just feel so extremely blessed to have this wonderful circle of friends in my life. Girls who not only "get" me and accept me for who I am, but who also think I'm a wonderful person and who genuinely like spending time with me. Time spent with good friends who I feel like I can be myself around and who build me up is my favorite thing in the world. Being around people like that make you feel like you can do anything and that life really is a gift. Yay for awesome friends, waffles, and frozen custard!!!

Bridge Song

You might be asking yourself right now, "What the heck is a bridge song?" Well, allow me to explain.
Every morning (well week day morning oh and every day at 5pm) I walk across the Key Bridge from Virginia into D.C. And right when I get to the start of the bridge I switch from whatever I'm listening to on my ipod to my "bridge song". Basically my bridge song is whatever song at the moment that I keep listening to on repeat. The song that speaks to me the most or that I'm relating to the most in my life right now.

Recently one of my loveliest friends gave me a mix CD of songs that remind her of me. Isn't that awesome?! I mean when was the last time someone actually made you a mix CD that they burned especially for you, huh? Anyway, I put the songs on my iPhone and listen to them to and from work or on my run. But my latest bridge song was on the mix CD she gave me. I had heard it before, but I guess I never really listened to the lyrics too closely. It totally fits with everything I'm going through right now.

I guess you want to know what the song is?... "Shake it Out" by Florence and the Machine. It's been around for a little while now (I mean they even have a Glee cover of it already, don't ask me how I know that..) but I never connected to it before.
Here are a few of the lyrics:

Shake it off, shake it out, shake it off, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it off, shake it out, shake it off, shake it out, ooh woaaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn


I love the imagery of these lyrics and the line, "and it's hard to dance with the devil on your back". It perfectly describes the feeling of addiction or depression and sadness. Anything that might be weighing you down. So shake him off! I also like the line "I am done with my graceless heart". I've felt that way before where you just want to start anew and give up your old ways and have a change of heart. And "it's always darkest before the dawn" reminds me that you have to go through some dark and hard times before you have that breakthrough.

When I listen to this song as I walk across the bridge I feel powerful and strong and like I can do anything. I imagine shaking off all my problems. And when I listen to this on my runs, I feel like I can keep going and run faster. So for now this is my bridge song and I'm loving it!

Here's the video if you want to listen.

Picture Perfect!

Now that I have an iphone I've been taking pictures everywhere I go. Here are a ton of pics from the past two months.



 I went home to Tennessee to be a bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding and to visit my family.

                                              My cutie sister Rebecca.

                                                                My crazy 12 year old brother Adam.

                                                           The bride to be and her sister at the Bachelorette painting party.

                                                       Here's my painting of irises.

                                                       Me and a couple of the bridesmaids.

                                                           Me and the bride before walking down the aisle.

       So my favorite burger place in D.C. opened up a new restaurant right by my house... Toasted Marshmallow shake!

                                               Surprise bday picnic at Wolftrap.

                                                    Birthday pedi. Thanks Mina!

                                     The prettiest bday card I've ever gotten! Thanks Ruthie!

                                                         Bday macarons. Yay for LLSIS!

                                                              I like my hair in this pic. :)

                                                   We went to see Beauty and the Beast. It was so good!!!

                               Bday breakfast of funfetti cake waffles and ice cream. Yum.

I drew a cute ballerina in my sketch book. 

                                              Legwarmer's 80's concert!

The street formerly known as O Street. haha

Me and Ruthie went to see Sense and Sensibility outside in Georgetown. 

Colonel Brandon!!!

                                                 This is why Fro Zen Yo is my favorite!

                                                        I love babysitting for this cutie! :)

                                                     We went to the Capitol Fourth concert rehearsal and had to leave early because of the rain. 

                   On the fourth we baked cookies in my friends car. And then we got in the car and went to the pool. So hot!!!

                                      Walked around Old Town with some of my favorite girls.

                             The "Union Station" at 7th Hill Pizza. I like this union station a lot better than the real one!

Love others to love myself.

Yesterday I watched the Mormon video of Christ healing the woman with the issue of blood. It was so powerful to me and basically had me sobbing. (Big surprise right?) But the thing that touched me so much was that Christ says to the woman "thy faith hath made thee whole". And I just thought, I want so badly to be made whole again. I want to be whole. Not broken and all messed up like I am. I honestly feel like during my marriage and right when it ended, my soul was almost completely broken. It was like I was a vase that was dropped and shattered. And over the years, the pieces have been put back together a little at a time. And the pieces that have been put back together have been built in even stronger than they were in the first place.

But watching that video made me literally cry unto the Lord and pray sincerely and tell Him of my desire to be whole. And I prayed that I could feel love for myself. I waited for a few minutes hoping to magically feel it right then and there, but I didn't feel anything. So I decided to read some scriptures and listen to some Primary songs. And I received an answer. I've actually felt this prompting several times recently but never before connected it to loving myself. The answer I got was: just to keep loving and serving others.

I have a picture on my wall that says, "Love yourself to love another". But in some ways, I think for me it's so  easy to feel love for everyone else except for myself. And I always want to show that love to others. After getting that answer, I just thought it was interesting that I just need to keep loving others, and eventually I know the Lord will help me love myself. (Plus a whole lot of other wonderful blessings that comes along with loving and serving others).

Yesterday I also finished my journal that I've been writing in for over two years. I was re-reading some of the entries today. In almost every single entry from when I was still at BYU (and first coming to D.C.) I talked about how scared I was about doing things, but I did them because I knew the Lord wanted me to. It's been great practice. Now, even though I'm still scared to do hard things, it's not as hard to just get started and do them because I know the good that will come from following promptings. I've been practicing doing scary and hard things for the past two years and I've seen how far I've come and how blessed my life is. I'm not as scared to take the initial plunge into the unknown because I know I will be successful with the Lord's help.

Fairy Tales

My whole life I’ve been obsessed with fairy tales; they’ve always been my favorite stories. As a young girl I would feel a thrill hearing the stories about faraway lands where they had princesses, dragons, fairies, and elves. I would dress up and pretend with my dolls; we wouldn’t have tea parties, we would act out my favorite fairy tales. As I got a little older and started devouring books I read all those stories myself.

Then I discovered my favorite author Robin McKinley and all of her retelling of classic fairy tales and the “untold” side of fairy tales. I loved the idea that maybe we didn’t know everything that really happened in each story. The Brothers Grimm and Hans Christian Anderson just gave us a basic outline.

Maybe it’s because I’ve read too many fairy stories and enchanted tales, but I think some of those ideals and occurrences sunk deep into my beliefs about life. I knew those stories weren’t true and they didn’t actually happen, but I loved the ideals and the opportunities that those stories presented to each hero and heroine. I think I actually see myself as the heroine in my own life story.

So you can imagine that when at age 18 I met my “prince” of course the most logical thing was to get married right away. I was in love! And he was perfect! (And all those princesses got married at age 18 too didn’t they? Haha…)

Some of my favorite stories are Ella Enchanted, Beauty, (and also the movie Penelope). All of these girls have something in common; they are all under a spell (well the Beast is in Beauty…). And after my “happily ever after” turned into divorce, I, like so many of the other heroines in the stories, fell under a spell. Okay, not really but that’s kind of how life felt when I was severely depressed.  It was as if I was transformed into someone else, and I missed the girl that I used to be before. I was under a dark spell of sadness, loneliness, confusion of what I had done wrong, despair, self-hatred, and wretchedness, and the worst feeling of being beyond caring at all.

In the pivotal moments and climax in these favorite stories of mine, there was always a moment of realization and then the spell was broken. In the story of Beauty and the Beast, there’s the part where the Beast is dying and Belle utters the words, “I love you”. And then the Beast does that weird twisting in the air thing and he’s transformed back into a human! In Ella Enchanted, Ella refuses to obey and goes against her curse because she will not hurt the one she loves. And she also breaks the spell. In the movie Penelope, she’s been trying to break her curse her whole life and it comes with one realization and her saying, “I like myself the way I am!” And poof, she loses the pig nose.

And I very much relate to the Penelope story line. But I’m not convinced that here in the real world, spells (or trials) are broken in an instant. I think it takes time. Maybe the realization will finally hit in an instant but I think there’s a lot of working up to that moment. I know that’s how it was when I finally forgave my ex-husband. It took years and years of forgiving him little by little, piece by piece. And then poof, there was that one miraculous moment where I knew that I had truly 100 percent forgiven him. And I felt changed and I felt free.

So although I’m no longer under the “spell” of depression, I still am under a bit of a spell. I still have the issues or “curses” if you will, of self-hatred and well I’m kinda scared of boys. I don’t really feel like I can really trust anyone. So I’m just wondering, is there going to be that one moment where I can say, “but I like myself the way I am!” I hope so. That’s what I’m working towards right now; although it’s really hard to measure the progress of that. I guess I just try to listen to the part of me that is still there that has been there all along. That kind part of myself that is cheering me on. That part of me that says, “I love you Mary”. I hope I can break this spell soon, cuz I really want to meet my real prince charming! (Not the toad disguised as a prince… yes I just went there!) Hahaha!

I make the Choice

Okay so confession time... I guess this isn't much of a confession but whatever. I've been feeling depressed the past few weeks. And it's always a little scary when that happens because then I remember what it was like when I was depressed every hour of every day for YEARS. And I get worried that it's going to get that bad again. I sometimes feel extra anxious/depressed when I'm PMSing but that's not the problem this time. So I was feeling worried and down. And the bad thing is, I let it start to affect how I was making decisions.

So I made a few bad decisions (not bingeing or really food-related don't worry but still not the decisions I would usually make). Then I let that get me down even more. One of the worst things about depression is that you get down in this dark pit and it's almost impossible to climb back out by yourself.

But the good thing is... I realized that this depression I've been feeling is NOTHING compared to what I used to feel. Absolutely nothing. I mean, I've been down right joyous compared to the awful, all-encompassing, soul-sucking clinical depression that I went through before. And even though it's a little more difficult than usual, I still have the ability to make certain choices and to pull myself out of the pit.

So yesterday there were a few things that I didn't want to do and didn't feel like I could deal with. I wanted to just ignore them and deal with the consequences later. That's what I did when I was depressed before. (In fact that's what I did on Saturday and it left me feeling really awful.) I would ignore everything and do nothing. And the consequences that came from that were really bad. (Especially when you're in college and you have a job...) So I realized that I still have a choice. The depression isn't to the point where I can't pull myself out of it. I decided to go and deal with those things I didn't want to deal with. And they weren't so bad. And I felt so much better afterwards. If I hadn't of dealt with them then I know I would have ended up feeling even more depressed and down on myself.

And then my friend Emily called and we went on a walk and I was able to share with her how I've been feeling lately. And it just felt good to tell someone. I just felt like, yeah life really isn't so bad! And then I was able to have a really fun night having a picnic on the National Mall with my friends. And I received some encouraging texts from some lovely ladies. And I decided that I was going to have a good day today. Because I still have the ability to choose to pull myself out of the pit. So I did.

Your Story

Okay one of my favorite songs lately is The Story by Brandi Carlile. (Thanks Jill!!) Warning, when you listen to this song you might grab your hairbrush as a makeshift microphone and jump up on your bed and start rocking out. Wait.... maybe that just me? Maybe you should try it too, it's fun!

Sometimes I feel like these lyrics:

"You see the smile that's on my mouth

It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am"


BUT! I was thinking that's why I'm glad I have this blog and I can share how I'm really feeling with everyone. So I can do the following:

"Tell you the story of who I am

So many stories of where I've been

And how I got to where I am

But these stories don't mean anything

When you've got no one to tell them to"

I think it's important to share your story with others. It not only helps you feel less alone, it also helps you realize how much you're growing and improving. I'm so glad that I have this blog telling my story. And I'm even more grateful for the people who read it and are loving and supportive of me. 

I encourage all of my blog readers (I think there are like 5 of you) to be courageous and share your story with someone. Obviously only in an appropriate setting, or maybe just when you feel inspired to do so. Don't be afraid, people will be glad you shared with them and they will feel more comfortable sharing with you as well. 


I saw on my friend Autumn's blog a while ago a question that said, "What are your five greatest accomplishments?" 
So I thought about it and made my own list. The really interesting thing about this list is that they're all things that I'm still working on a little bit or may still have to struggle with a little bit in the future BUT they are my greatest accomplishments. Maybe they're my greatest accomplishments because I am REALLY trying.
Here they are:

1. Learning to love myself.
2. Overcoming depression.
3. Healing from my divorce and completely forgiving my ex-husband. 
4. Building up (still working on it) my relationship with the Lord.
5. Being a good friend. 


I think the main thing is to just try! And then enduring to the end while striving to be better every day. We will all continue to make mistakes, but over time they will be different mistakes. 


So I say share your stories with others and keep trying!!!! 


And listen to this awesome song. The end. Amen.

An advocate

This past Saturday I attended a couple of workshops my Relief Society put together for us. There were three different options: one about emotional health, one about being single and finding joy in the journey, and one about addiction. As soon as they announced the three different options everyone started laughing and joking about how they were going to go to the addiction class because they were addicted to porn. When my friends stopped laughing about it they asked me which class I was going to, assuming that I would only have two options instead of three. I quietly told them I was going to the addiction class and left. I didn't miss the looks they exchanged. Then when I got to the class which was taught by a senior missionary couple, they immediately said, "well we know none of you have a problem with an addiction and you're probably here because you're worried about guys you are dating who are addicted to porn". (I should also note there was a grand total of four girls there including me. And one of them was just there to introduce the couple). I just sat there feeling a little blindsided and ashamed. I was thinking, but what if you're here because you have an addiction and you're trying your darnedest to overcome it?! The class was focused on how you could help others who have an addiction. Afterwards, they asked if there were any questions. I raised my hand and asked, "how can we make it easier for people to talk and be more open about their addictions, when in an appropriate setting?" They didn't really have an answer. So that's still my question. Why can't we be more supportive of each others problems in the church without it being so taboo?

Also last night we had a nutritionist come and speak to us for FHE. They asked us to submit questions about three weeks ago and in my mind, I thought it was only going to be our FHE group. It was actually combined with all of the FHE groups so there were several people there. I submitted two different questions and I stupidly and anonymously submitted the question, "How can I better control my binge eating?" As soon as that question came up in the powerpoint, everyone started laughing and mocking it. I heard someone behind me say, "just don't do it, duh". People were giving joke examples where they had binged (when really they were kidding and hadn't). I guess I understand that people's first response is to joke about uncomfortable stuff like this, but I still found myself sliding lower and lower in my seat.

I'm really trying to better myself and GET HELP in dealing with my issues with food. But when I try to do that, in our church no less (which should be a safe setting), I'm met with scorn, joking, and people who are seemingly blind to the fact that anyone could suffer from an addiction other than porn. And what about all those people who are addicted to porn? We just make fun of them?

However, I am happy to report that I was sitting by two awesome people both times. And they happen to be dating each other. My friend that I've mentioned on this blog before who has a pornography addiction who was the one who inspired me to not be ashamed and to come clean about my addiction and his awesome girlfriend. And both times, they both raised their hand and said what I wanted to say. They both mentioned that we should all be more aware of the reality that there are people in our church even in attendance who have a problem with what we were discussing. I am proud to have two such brave and loving people as my friends who were not afraid to say something.

More and more, and especially after these two recent incidences, I have a strong desire and drive to become an advocate for people who are suffering in silence in the church because they are ashamed. I want to let people know that it's okay that they have these problems. It's normal! It's just not something that is openly talked about. I want people to be able to tell their stories and be met with love and acceptance, because I know that's what has helped me to get rid of a lot of shame and take ownership of my problem. And it's given me courage and power. If people could talk about those dark things they are hiding, they could overcome those problems with the help of others.

I so want to be someone who can speak out and help others (especially Young Women) with these different issues. I mean I already have experience in dealing with divorce, abuse, depression, addiction, eating disorder, self-worth, etc. I have been told multiple times, especially recently in priesthood blessings that I will be able to help many people because of what I've been through. I really want to help others who are having these issues. I know I'm still trying to overcome some of these issues myself, but I hope someday I can be an advocate for this.

My Heavenly Father Loves Me

I have a hard time feeling love for myself and love from God on my behalf. But I always feel incredible peace and calm when I go for a walk and see and feel and experience all the beautiful things around me. I love nature and trees and going for a walk.

I've recently met with a therapist and realized that I still have a lot of anger and self-hatred towards myself. The good thing is that I have completely forgiven my ex-husband, but I don't think I've forgiven myself. I thought I was over the whole self-hatred thing, but honestly I'm really not.

Lately I've been praying to be able to feel and recognize Heavenly Father's love for me and to feel love for myself as well.

As many of you know, I love the Children's Primary Songs. Today, our ward choir performed the song, "My Heavenly Father Loves Me". I always thought it was weird/interesting how that's the name of the song even though I always pictured it in my head as "the nature song". After church I came home and was listening to it again and reading the lyrics.


MY HEAVENLY FATHER LOVES ME
Words and Music by Clara W. McMaster, b. 1904

Whenever I hear the song of a bird
Or look at the blue, blue sky,
Whenever I feel the rain on my face
Or the wind as it rushes by,
Whenever I touch a velvet rose
Or walk by a lilac tree,
I'm glad that I live in this beautiful world
Heavenly Father created for me.

He gave me my eyes that I might see
The color of butterfly wings.
He gave me my ears that I might hear
The magical sound of things.
He gave me my life, my mind, my heart:
I thank him reverently
For all his creations, of which I'm a part.
Yes, I know Heavenly Father loves me.

I realized that one reason why I love going on walks so much and enjoying nature and seeing all the beautiful things around me is because it is the way that I personally can feel God's love for me. It's a way that I allow myself to feel loved, even though I didn't recognize that what I was experiencing was God's love. I also like the second verse because it talks about how Heavenly Father gave us physical bodies to experience these things and to feel His love for us.

I also listened to the Primary Song "I Feel My Savior's Love". I've always loved that song and since I've been looking for ways to feel His love for me, I especially noticed the title of the song. I decided to read those lyrics as well to see how I could feel His love. The first verse says, "I feel my Savior's love, in all the world around me. His Spirit warms my soul, through everything I see." I thought it was so awesome because it also talks about feeling His love through looking at the world around you. I also loved in the last verse there's a line that says, "I feel my Savior's love, and know that he will bless me. I offer him my heart, My shepherd he will be."

The line "I offer him my heart" stood out to me so much. I have to offer Heavenly Father my heart so I can feel His love.

I know that Heavenly Father loves me and He wants me to be able to feel that love, but for a lot of complicated reasons, that I don't even really understand, I'm not allowing myself to feel that love. I feel like I don't deserve it. I can feel it more than I used to be able to and I know that I'm making progress, but I still have a ways to go. I'm going to try my hardest to come unto Christ, to apply the atonement in my life, and to "offer him my heart". It's not easy for me, because I guess I have a barrier built up around my heart so I don't get hurt again. But I really will be trying to work on this. Please pray for me that I can be successful in feeling love from God and for myself so I don't have to rely on others to feel like it's okay to love myself.

Cake Waffles, Croquet, Legwarmers, and Poetry

I had a really hard time on Saturday night. I felt so bad physically and emotionally after I binged. I felt depressed and lonely and hurt and angry. Really angry. I know I share a lot on this blog, but I'm not even going to rehash the reasons why I felt all those feelings. It's very personal and I just don't feel like sharing every single aspect of my life. The feelings have carried over throughout the weekend and are trying to cling to me. I feel like Satan really wants me to keep feeling this way and keep me from progressing. I'm not going to give him the satisfaction! 

Here are some things that have helped me feel better:

1.  My friend wrote this on my facebook wall. It's one of the nicest compliments I've ever gotten. For reals."Every time I talk to you I feel better about life. Every time. I think you just radiate hope and a love for life."      

 It hit me really hard when I read this just because when you are feeling depressed you can't feel any hope. And it reminded me that even though I've been feeling depressed this weekend, it's not a permanent thing like it used to be. And it reminded me that I do feel hope and other people can see that in me. It made me feel hopeful again, ironically enough! :)

and my other friend wrote this:  "I love your laugh, I love that you are always there for me, I love your empathy and compassion, I love that you always validate me when I need it. I love that you are a good listener, I love that you were always up for my crazy adventures, I love that I'm lucky enough that not only do you call me your friend, but we really are going to be friends forever. It's awesome. Once again: Love ya!!!"


I know gifts are my love language but words of affirmation is almost tied for first. :) I love hearing this stuff about myself because otherwise I honestly don't think people care or even notice, or it's stuff that I don't think is even true. But I need to hear it. 

2. My friend Ruth wrote me this poem: 

ODE TO MARY

Mary the merry, she is full of warmth and joy
Oh Mary Cherry, she'll find a lucky boy 
A real man he will be and he will see
her humor, pizazz, and loyalty
Her charms include her freckles and smile 
And oh, how I adore her lovely style!
Her bravery and strength truly inspire
Her kindness lifts everyone higher
Her presence exudes peace and serenity
I am blessed by our friendship now and eternally! 

3. This picture:

4. Cake waffles (from funfetti cake mix) with ice cream on top and croquet from my roommates who gave me a "birthday do-over" yesterday after church.

Me and the ladies playing croquet. Just ignore the fact that this is a hideous photo of me and admire all my lovely friends instead. This is one side of our yard (we have a lot of grass to mow!) 

5. I bought tickets with some friends and roommates to go see the musical "Beauty and the Beast" at the national theater. And we're also going to see a  Legwarmers concert (an 80's band) and rock out to 80's music!

6. The grace I've received from the Lord helping me feel more positive and strong. Giving me hope and strength that I can make it through! 

P.S. I'm starting the couch to 5K running program today. Yikes! Wish me luck! And thanks for all the birthday wishes and love everyone!!!! "I'm gonna make it after all!!!"