I am struggling with my self worth a lot lately. And I had a thought that my worth is so much more than I can even comprehend. And that that fact is TRUTH. It's like I had a glimpse of pure truth in that moment. And that if I can  just grasp on to that feeling, that memory I will be ok.
All of these issues I'm having are no longer about Tyler it's about me and how I see myself . But his interactions with me and who he ultimately thought I was is still affecting how I see myself even 8 years later. I can't escape myself and how other people see me. I can't trust myself enough.

The Gift of Struggling

My self esteem wasn't a gift that was given to me by my parents; it wasn't something they could teach me. My own mother's was fragile and wounded from a lifetime of hurt and not having someone to teach her. The little frail bit that I did have was crushed to dust and blown away in the wind by my ex-husband. He questioned my goodness and motives until finally declaring me not fit to be his wife because I would drag him down on his journey to eternal life. So my self esteem went from a small fragment to nothing at all.

Self esteem was not a spiritual gift that Heavenly Father gave to me. He allowed me to struggle to find it and even fight for it. And in the process he has given me a different gift. The gift of being able to teach others who cannot find their own self esteem and who have been searching for it. To teach them how to find and gain self esteem, self worth, and self love.

Like/Don't Like

Things I Don't Like:

Coming home from a fun impromptu dinner in which a few friends whisked me away for a late birthday celebration and instead of being happy and content, feeling sad. Sad for no reason. Staying up late (early?) into the morning crying and feeling sad for no reason. In my mind I went over the different people who I know love and care about me and the good qualities that I have. I went over the fact that it is not my fault with what has happened in the past with my divorce and it doesn't matter anymore, but I still FELT sad and could not stop crying. But I guess that's okay too. It's okay to just feel sad and cry for no reason.

Trying to flush the toilet after using it during the early morning hours you can't sleep and then having the handle just break completely off...

Things I Do Like:

Knowing that hard times like these (at least for me) always precede growth and direction in my life. The Lord helps me to get on the right course for my life and these hard times help me to turn to Him more and to be guided and more malleable. Feeling this way also helps me be more determined to do something different and try harder to do something to change the current situation. I don't know exactly what is coming next but I feel in my bones that some change is coming for me soon. Something exciting. I hope it's not a change in location because I love living where I do and all my wonderful friends!

Also... mud pie shake from Ray's Hell Burgers.... It rivals Good Stuff and Bobby's Burger Palace shakes....

Feeling a frenzy and a fiery passion to draw and paint when I get sad. It fuels my creativity and I do love that. :) (I understand a lot better all of the famous artists from the past who suffered from mental illness- it just drives you to do something to get your feelings out and to express them). My artistic inspiration and drive is directly correlated to my depression.

Unleashing the Dormant Spirit

Yesterday on my birthday I was fasting for a couple of people and also for how I could be better in my 27th year. And I feel like all the testimonies and lessons at church were all helpful. And this morning I read this talk by Elder Busche. I felt like all of these bullet points were SO GOOD! And such good advice and it really spoke to my heart and my spirit. I just thought I would share in case it should touch any of you few people who read this blog. :)


Elder F. Enzio Busche's talk entitled "Unleashing the Dormant Spirit" (this is just a portion of his talk).



It is also obvious that without constant efforts, it will be very difficult to always be focused on our most righteous desires. Therefore, I want to share with you a vehicle, an instrument, that I developed some time ago for myself and for my family. It can assist us to reach our focus as we read the suggested vision of true discipleship as a Latter-day Saint. It helps when, from time to time, we ponder and seek identification with the following thoughts:

• Embrace this day with an enthusiastic welcome, no matter how it looks. The covenant with God to which you are true enables you to become enlightened by him, and nothing is impossible for you. 

• When you are physically sick, tired, or in despair, steer your thoughts away from yourself and direct them, in gratitude and love, toward God. 

• In your life there have to be challenges. They will either bring you closer to God and therefore make you stronger, or they can destroy you. But you make the decision of which road you take. 

• First and foremost, you are a spirit child of God. If you neglect to feed your spirit, you will reap unhappiness. Don’t permit anything to detract you from this awareness. 

• You cannot communicate with God unless you have first sacrificed your self-oriented natural man and have brought yourself into the lower levels of meekness, to become acceptable for the Light of Christ. 

• Put all frustrations, hurt feelings, and grumblings into the perspective of your eternal hope. Light will flow into your soul. 

• Pause to ponder the suffering Christ felt in the Garden of Gethsemane. In the awareness of the depth of gratitude for him, you appreciate every opportunity to show your love for him by diligently serving in his Church. 

• God knows that you are not perfect. As you suffer about your imperfections, he will give you comfort and suggestions of where to improve. 

• God knows better than you what you need. He always attempts to speak to you. Listen, and follow the uncomfortable suggestions that he makes to us—everything will fall into its place. 

• Avoid any fear like your worst enemy, but magnify your fear about the consequences of sin. 

• When you cannot love someone, look into that person’s eyes long enough to find the hidden rudiments of the child of God in him. 

• Never judge anyone. When you accept this, you will be freed. In the case of your own children or subordinates, where you have the responsibility to judge, help them to become their own judges. 

• If someone hurts you so much that your feelings seem to choke you, forgive and you will be free again. 

• Avoid at all cost any pessimistic, negative, or criticizing thoughts. If you cannot cut them out, they will do you harm. On the road toward salvation, let questions arise but  never doubts. If something is wrong, God will give you clarity but never doubts. 

• Avoid rush and haste and uncontrolled words. Divine light develops in places of peace and quiet. Be aware of that as you enter places of worship. 

• Be not so much concerned about what you do, but do what you do with all your heart, might, and strength. In thoroughness is satisfaction. 

• You want to be good and to do good. That is commendable. But the greatest achievement that can be reached in our lives is to be under the complete influence of the Holy Ghost. Then he will teach us what is really good and necessary to do. 

• The pain of sacrifice lasts only one moment. It is the fear of the pain of sacrifice that makes you hesitate to do it. 

• Be grateful for every opportunity to serve. It helps you more than those you serve.And finally, when you are compelled to give up something or when things that are dear to you are withdrawn from you, know that this is your lesson to be learned right now. But know also that, as you are learning this lesson, God wants to give you something better.

 as we read the suggested vision of true discipleship as a Latter-day Saint. It helps when, from time to time, we ponder and seek identification with the following thoughts: 

• Embrace this day with an enthusiastic welcome, no matter how it looks. The covenant with God to which you are true enables you to become enlightened by him, and nothing is impossible for you. 

• When you are physically sick, tired, or in despair, steer your thoughts away from yourself and direct them, in gratitude and love, toward God. 

• In your life there have to be challenges. They will either bring you closer to God and therefore make you stronger, or they can destroy you. But you make the decision of which road you take. 

• First and foremost, you are a spirit child of God. If you neglect to feed your spirit, you will reap unhappiness. Don’t permit anything to detract you from this awareness. 

• You cannot communicate with God unless you have first sacrificed your self-oriented natural man and have brought yourself into the lower levels of meekness, to become acceptable for the Light of Christ. 

• Put all frustrations, hurt feelings, and grumblings into the perspective of your eternal hope. Light will flow into your soul. 

• Pause to ponder the suffering Christ felt in the Garden of Gethsemane. In the awareness of the depth of gratitude for him, you appreciate every opportunity to show your love for him by diligently serving in his Church. 

• God knows that you are not perfect. As you suffer about your imperfections, he will give you comfort and suggestions of where to improve. 

• God knows better than you what you need. He always attempts to speak to you. Listen, and follow the uncomfortable suggestions that he makes to us—everything will fall into its place. 

• Avoid any fear like your worst enemy, but magnify your fear about the consequences of sin. 

• When you cannot love someone, look into that person’s eyes long enough to find the hidden rudiments of the child of God in him. 

• Never judge anyone. When you accept this, you will be freed. In the case of your own children or subordinates, where you have the responsibility to judge, help them to become their own judges. 

• If someone hurts you so much that your feelings seem to choke you, forgive and you will be free again. 

• Avoid at all cost any pessimistic, negative, or criticizing thoughts. If you cannot cut them out, they will do you harm. On the road toward salvation, let questions arise but  never doubts. If something is wrong, God will give you clarity but never doubts. 

• Avoid rush and haste and uncontrolled words. Divine light develops in places of peace and quiet. Be aware of that as you enter places of worship. 

• Be not so much concerned about what you do, but do what you do with all your heart, might, and strength. In thoroughness is satisfaction. 

• You want to be good and to do good. That is commendable. But the greatest achievement that can be reached in our lives is to be under the complete influence of the Holy Ghost. Then he will teach us what is really good and necessary to do. 

• The pain of sacrifice lasts only one moment. It is the fear of the pain of sacrifice that makes you hesitate to do it. 

• Be grateful for every opportunity to serve. It helps you more than those you serve.And finally, when you are compelled to give up something or when things that are dear to you are withdrawn from you, know that this is your lesson to be learned right now. But know also that, as you are learning this lesson, God wants to give you something better.

The "Just Becauses"

Lately the depression has been hitting me full force. It's weird how even though I remember how hard it was being depressed before (trust me- being at a point so low that you decide you are going to kill yourself is not something you easily forget) I forgot how awful it is in the moment.

Feeling so tired and irritable all the time and just empty and sad. Yuck. And having to put on a smile or at least just keep from crying in front of everyone all the time is exhausting. And being so tired all day and not being able to sleep one wink when it's actually time to go to sleep. And having the continuing feelings and thoughts that life really just isn't worth living, that it's just not worth the effort and what's the point anyway? (Scary! But yes I've been having those thoughts again).

BUT!!! And here's where I'd like to insert a big BUT!!! But the good thing is this time around I know who I am, I love myself, and I know how to at least try to seek help right now before it gets unmanageable. And something else I'm grateful for from this trial is that it's helped me to see all the good things in my life and realize how loved I am. How much others care about me and how much God loves me. I know God loves me because lately I've been on the receiving end of several just because gifts and notes. And let me tell you "just because" gifts and notes are my FAVORITE and God knows it. And He's letting me know that He loves me by prompting other people to give me those "just becauses" right now when it makes a huge difference. I'm grateful for people acting on a simple prompting when they don't even know that I'm going through a hard time right now.

And something else that means even more to me is when I confided in my friend Cara about feeling depressed again and being scared about what that all entailed. And she told me she had a psychiatrist friend who she would talk to and ask some advice. And then, THE VERY NEXT DAY she stopped by my house having talked to her psychiatrist friend and gave me a book, some advice, and some fish oil that her friend said would help. (I am trying a non-medication route at the moment....next stop an experiment in veganism...eeps!).

Anyway, my point is that sometimes life is hard. Things that happen or things we have to go through seem so overwhelming and like we just can't handle them. But we can. With the power of the atonement and the power of the priesthood, and the power that exists within our own beings and souls. We are strong and we are here to learn from this life. (Yes this life is worth living!) But it's oh so nice and oh so much better when we have loving friends to help us along the way. It's the smallest things that mean the most to me and encourage me to keep on trying and to keep on running even when I want to stop. :)

Drowning

Depression feels like drowning. You are struggling and you can't breathe but everyone around you wonders why you don't just pull yourself up out of the water. Why don't you just rescue yourself? Every once in a while you break through the surface and gasp that little bit of breath before heading back under. But you are just surviving and every moment is a struggle. It takes all of your energy just to stay alive but you are expected to act like everything is fine. Like you are lounging in an inner tube instead of drowning underneath the water. You still have to go about your day to day tasks and duties when you have no breath left and you have no energy. And everyone looks at you and wonders why you are so lazy and why can't you just get it together? Others who are coasting by on their floats and boats pass by you and wonder why you can't just float? It's only drowning. No big deal. There comes a point where you just want to stop the struggle to breathe and just give into the dark depths of the water. To just relax into the comfort of oblivion. To just give up and stop trying to fight.

But there is something that comes from this underwater struggle. All of that time spent underwater struggling to stay afloat and stay alive makes your muscles stronger. You are able to hold your breath underwater for longer periods of time. After spending all that time underwater you are able to see things more clearly through the seemingly murky water. You notice things the people who are busy floating above the water on their backs don't notice. You find treasures and pearls buried at the bottom of the ocean. 

I realized something important today. Well, maybe not so much realized as was just honest with myself. I have depression and anxiety and it is going to be something I will always struggle with my whole life. It is not my fault. It is no one's fault. It is a disease that I have. The very fortunate thing is that I no longer have clinical depression- which is something much much worse than "regular" run of the mill depression.

Something that I realized/decided today is that I do not have this because I am not doing things right in my life. It's also not because I am still "messed up" from what happened in my marriage and divorce. It's not because I need to keep going to counseling or therapy. The fact of the matter is that it is simply a disease that my brain has. The chemicals and/or lack thereof affect me about one or two weeks a month. I get enough sleep, I have good and healthy relationships, I have resolved most of my issues, I eat healthy foods and I exercise regularly. I have to face up to the fact that my body has a disease and that's ok. Sometimes I am just going to be sad for no reason. I read this in a blog recently and was struck by how true that it was for me as well.

"There's that phrase: you'll struggle with this for the rest of your life. And oh how I loathed that phrase and fought against that phrase and worked to make that phrase obsolete. But here, on the other side, I've come to realize it's not the eating disorder I may struggle with the rest of my life, but all the other things that I emptied into it. Fear and anxiety and a propensity to get sad. Startlingly deep emotional reactions that overwhelm and unnerve. Lack of confidence. Questions of worth." 

The really important thing I realized and decided today was that I have enough faith in Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father to know that there is a reason why I have this affliction. And I have enough trust and faith in Christ that I know that there is a purpose in my trials and weaknesses and afflictions. I am not suffering needlessly. I trust that there is a reason for this and that I can learn and grow from it. And I know that Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to be happy. I am trusting that He is doing what is best for me and that He knows what the big picture is that I can't see from my limited scope.

The good news is that I know how to deal with this depression and anxiety. I know how to keep things from getting too out of hand. I know what steps I need to take when it starts getting really bad. And I know that I will be okay. I am not sure yet if I want to get back on any medication because it is really REALLY hard to be dependent on medication and it's a scary thing. It was such a huge victory for me when I finally went off my medication. And this doesn't feel anywhere near as horrible and hellish as truly severe clinical depression. And you can't be on this medication when you are pregnant. And that's a goal of mine is to have children. I don't think I will be getting back on medication anytime soon.

I will continue to focus on helping and serving others. I got a new calling today on the compassionate service committee (there are two of us). I am very excited!!! It is one of my favorite callings and it uses some of the God given talents that I possess and some of the talents and things I have developed through having depression.

I will continue to look at this struggle as a blessing and as an opportunity for growth. Which to me means that the utter lack of hope and despair that usually accompanies depression is not present right now. And that is a very good sign. I am just very sad and emotional and tired a lot. And I have to do a lot more work fending off bad thoughts and self doubts that have been tripled lately. But I know I am strong enough and I will continue to do the things I need to do to be healthy spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I am grateful for all the things that are right and good and healthy in my life. I am so blessed and have so much.