I am so mentally drained. After 2 months of work, I am already so tired ._. The past 2 months have been the start of a new change in my life. Joining the workforce is a pretty drastic change from school life. No more 2 or 3 day work weeks. No more spending whole day outside with mom, catching a movie, having lunch then going shopping before heading back home. No more weekly swimming or badminton sessions with ah cao. Sigh. All there is now is the constant worry at the back of my head - have I finished all that I need to do by today? When is the deadline for this task? What are the list of things I need to KIV? Worse still...what if I forgot to add something to the KIV list?? Oh my tian. I don't even want to think about it.

I have 2 reviewers currently. 1 is really nice. The other is hmm...not as much work chemistry I guess. So I really have to clarify how she wants to work with me. There are so many new processes that I need to remember for each engagement. The good thing is that I only have 2 engagements to handle. Even after 2 months, I am still struggling to remember all the bloody shortforms used and where all the files are saved in. Thank goodness I am starting to be more familiaried with all these now. But I am still silent during meetings. Not sure if I am supposed to contribute? lol. I think people here are pretty open. I can just speak up whenever I have questions, so that's not too much of an issue. I am only worried about me keeping quiet EVEN WHEN I don't know what is going on. That is bad...

Every day I go to work, praying that nothing will happen today so that I can go home in peace. Of course, this is not sustainable in the long run. Like last Thursday, I had a nice little chat with one of my superiors. She was my counsellor when I was here as an intern so I guess she likes me a bit? 'Cause she pulled me into the 2 big engagements she is in. lol. End up my portfolio is more than other people of my rank. I guess there isn't much choice to it since the size of each portfolio is liddat. If it's not me, it's someone else who has to take it. So last week, she asked me if I can take the workload. And I couldn't really answer 'cause I haven't been through a peak so I can't tell if it's too much for me. Anyway, she said she will have to add more to my portfolio 'cause 2 reviewers ain't enough. True, yes, 2 is insufficient for performance evaluation. But omg. 她不说还好.她一说, 我就 start worrying whether I can really take it and survive a peak.

Okay, breathe, girl. Breathe. You can do this. On the bright side of things, portfolios change every year. Survive one peak and things will get better. You will come out stronger knowing that you can handle a portfolio of this size. Stretch yourself and push your boundaries. Don't crumble before you even started. 💪

Last week, I had an engagement meeting. Apparently someone did something wrong and the team was discussing about it. The director said something that I didn't expect. It was really something that is very forward looking. She said "Don't beat yourself up over it. Everyone makes mistakes; I do too. The important thing is that we learn from our mistakes and think about how we can improve our processes. I am thankful for all these small minor mistakes that highlight to us that something is wrong and that we should do something about it, instead of us blindly going forward unknowing of the problems. So don't go back and blame yourself. It's already over. Now, we have to think about why we went wrong."

Isn't it a morale booster? The case was about a manager taking 3 days to check and answer a customer query. What we should have done was call the customer immediately and inform her that we will go and check instead of keeping quiet and take 3 days to reply. 'Cause in those 3 days, things got escalated pretty bad. The case also unveiled a few other points on how we can tighten our processes. I really learn a lot during these meetings. The bad thing is that I need to take minutes. omg...I suck at it. So much for all those years of being a secretary. lol.

After starting work, I appreciate my free time at home so much more. On the days when I don't bring my laptop back (which is not often given that it is off-peak now), I just nua at home, enjoy my time with my parents. I haven't had a chance to nua one weekened at home though. Every weekend, I spend my time at big bro's house to do his homework for his masters course. Urgh. Initially it was okay, 'cause I get to eat nice food -glutton face- but after 2 months plus, I am tired. Helping is one thing, but being used is another. Phrases like "I leverage on you mah. You do the work and I understand the concepts from there. It's faster and in the homework pieces, I value-add on what you provide." Yes, it is faster but I feel really used. And the feeling sucks. Plus every weekend, he says he will send me back. But in the end, he always gets our parents to eat out on sunday nights then they can "顺便" take me back. If not, he will give me cab fare...this feeling is really bad. Why should I be used like this?

But I can't break into a whole argument about it with my own brother either. Helping him should be 天经地义 isn't it? Sigh. Now I am doing his projects for him also -.- he says he will do his part later. So I am supposed to fill in all that I can. If I read up everything, of course I can write the whole paper. He wouldn't even need to do anything. It's not that I am being entirely selfish leh. If I am schooling or having holidays, I wouldn't mind doing this for him 'cause I will still have time to myself other than the time I spend with him. But now that I am working, I still work on his projects after work on weekdays and on weekends, I still spend all my time there.

I feel really drained. And I am very afraid that this will affect my work. Sigh. I am already thinking about when I can take my leave days. I want to take before peak starts. Otherwise I won't be able to clear after that. I see too many cases of being unable to clear leave and TOIL. Having a couple of days of doing nothing at home sounds real good to me. Maybe in November ba. Or October. Hahaha.

I had a meetup with the EY clique 2 days ago. We went down to Marina Bay Link Mall to have lunch at Soup Spoon. lmao. I ordered a mushroom soup but there were just too many mushroom pieces in it and I gave up after having 1/8 of it. lol. Maybe even less. But I truly enjoyed the company. Haha. It brought back memories of how enjoyable it was to hang out with this bunch of guys. At the same time, I also know that this kind of meetup 是享受一次就少一次. So I really treasure our time together. Honestly, sometimes I feel a bit weird around them 'cause I am not the kind of girl who hangs out with guys that much. From the eyes of a bystander, I may have the bad image of being a flirt or ... yea, you know. Especially in that EY department, where there are so few guys that having the majority of them surround 1 girl is really a weird picture. I think I really need to hang out with girls more. lol. It's a good thing that I have an innocent and good girl aura...Most of the time, it is so fun being around them that I don't really care about what other people think of me. Which is a bit dangerous, considering that I need to work in the department soon...Sigh.

Anyway. I realised that even though everyone seems to be really happy during that meet up, all of us have our own troubles. It is just that we don't really share our burdens during that short period of time that we are together. Even my 2 favourite 开心果 also have their worries. I have never mentioned exactly why I call them that right? Haha. I never told them that I group them like this in my head but Yuheng called me out on how I seem to favour the 2 of them more. Well, they are my 'happy beans' because I am always very happy when I talk to them. No matter how upset I am, they will always be able to cheer me up or assure me such that I am not so depressed. Plus, the positive vibes that surrounds them is something that is very attractive to me. So yea, forgive me for being so obviously biased. lol.

Peak is starting already so those 3 full-time staff are getting more and more stressed out. Honestly, I am a bit worried about Binwei. Like I mentioned last time, he is too helpful to the extent that he sacrifices too much of his own time/work to help. The one being helped would of course be very happy. But his boss is not going to be happy...and it seems like he got scolded again recently. I can't imagine my boss saying to me "stop playing around and focus on your work". Being someone who takes things very personally and strives to be boss's pet, I would be devastated and super depressed. But this whole scenario highlighted how stringent and professional the culture is in EY. To me, Binwei is already the epitome of hardworking and meticulous. And in EY, everyone is expected to be extremely competent. I am so afraid that I cannot meet that standard. I don't want to mess things up and cause problems. -resolved to train my memory skills- I really don't know how I am going to remember so many clients' names in the future. sigh...

I am also quite surprised because from the way they spoke, it is as though Binwei isn't going to leave anytime soon. I thought he was gonna get out of there asap. lol. Dunnoe what he is thinking...but I really hope he knows what he is doing ba. 男人应该闯事业. But well, he seems to have the time to do stuff that he enjoys, like scuba diving. So...I dunnoe. lol. Moving on.

Daniel seems to be rising up the ranks in EY! Haha. I dread the day when I go in and end up being in his team or worse, his buddy. I sure kenna bullied like there is no tomorrow T.T His standards are also pretty high. -stressed- On that point, I am a bit worried about my lunching situation when I go in...I would probably want to lunch with the 3 of them, but I also want to remain friends with the newcomers too. -headache- I don't want other people to think that I am sucking up to people of higher seniority...When I went back the other day, there were only 2 other people whom I really spoke to, which was Ailin and Arantxa. Ailin was walking past and her attention was naturally drawn to that one tall guy squatting near the corridor. lol. I didn't even notice her at first 'cause she seems to have dyed her hair! Jack is definitely more observant than me. The same thing happened with Dengwan. Haha. I just found the whole scene hilarious. I hope they don't think that I am impolite by remaining seated while Jack stood when we were conversing with them.

Arantxa is so cute!! Haha. I hesitated a really long time before going over to her 'cause she seemed so engrossed in her work. But when I went over, she seemed to really welcome me. Hee. For some reason, I really really like her. We seem to get along pretty well too. Haha. Some things are just so difficult to explain. When 2 people just click, they just do and there isn't an explanation for it. Of course, I might be 自作多情-ing here. I didn't expect to talk so long to her either but both of us got really carried away talking about holidaying. Hahaha. I hope to have lunch with her someday too! I talked to her for so long that Yuheng and Jack gave up and went over to the pantry to wait for me instead. -paiseh-

While Jack and I were hesitating outside of EY's doors about whether we should go in, Yuheng had already blown in and gotten right along with his ex-team members. Haha. That guy is a pro, man. He is so good at socializing. Are all SMU students like that? -clap for them- After the meet up, I walked to the MRT station with him, and he revealed that things aren't as rosy as they seem on the outside. He is having some problems in his relationship. Sigh. Being one of the 2 people in the clique who are attached, I really hoped to see these 2 relationships come to fruition. -pray that things will work out for him soon- He also asked me about my attitude towards having a bf and I replied that I am open to having a relationship at this point. But then, the me right now has no idea what kind of guy I am looking for. lol. I am a bit tired and quite confused on this topic now. Let's move on.

Jack is another pro. Pro at pon-ing school. Haha! For the first 2 weeks of school, he only came to class twice. Amazing. Originally, we planned to take the school bus together, but he is always late and we decided that we will just OTOT until he gets used to waking up early. Haha. I miss the times we trained home together after work, discussing all the little things that concerned us at that time. That guy is always socializing too. He seems to have an endless stream of friends but he can still make you feel important when he speaks to you. A pretty special ability!

Yosuke, our Japanese friend~ Haha. Ever-polite and gentlemanly. Actually even though the guys in this clique can appear to be crude sometimes (they curse and swear in front of me like I am a dude),
they are very gentlemanly. Truly. They open doors for me, let me sit in the most innerseat, etc. It feels like I have a bunch of caring older brothers, which makes me feel very comfortable around them. My real blood brothers also don't treat me that well. Hmph. Haha jk jk. I am just a bit sorry that I neglect Yosuke the most, I think. Don't really have that many common topics with him and he is usually very quiet too. I even forgot to say bye before I left -paiseh-

Next time I come back, the 3 of them will be my seniors already -stressed- I don't wanna start work! But I can't wait for our next meetup! Hopefully we can go out play instead of just lunching :)