Haven't blogged for so long. Come to think of it,I have kind of stopped writing in my diary too. I seem to have lost my direction after my A levels. the Alevels that I have failed.

Right now,I am just putting on a facade. Seems like I have done it so well that even my dentist says I look so carefree. Haha. I only have 2 more months left till my results are out. Got to treasure every single second right now,right? Before hell starts. God,I have never been so terrified of something. Okay, maybe when I took my Olevel results? But that still cant compare to this because before those results were released,I at least knew that I hadn't screwed up as badly as losing 20% of total marks. Feel so stupid now. A mistake made in a 15seconds can really follow you throughout your life.

I have been trying to think positive. People have made worse decisions in less time than 15seconds. Eg. deciding to have an affair in the spur of the moment and getting HIV, deciding to cross the road at the wrong time and getting into an accident where you lose a limb. So really, in comparison, choosing the wrong essay question and having to repeat a year isn't as bad as those other scenarios.

...

I just looked at a couple of other posts by other bloggers. There was one which made me cry after I read it. It is really difficult to end up receiving terrible results when your teachers, friends, family expect so much better from you. But honestly, this is not what we want either! Do you think it is easy to be in so much competition all the time? Of course, a little pressure never hurts anyone but too much of anything is always detrimental.

I'm not really in the mood to start the blame game. After all, the blame still falls onto me anyway,right? And I do accept it. I have not always been totally focused on my studies.

Right now,I am just considering my options after I get back my terrible Alevel results.
1) Go back to school.
2) Retake As as private candidate.
3) Go to private uni...but I can't bear to get my parents to pay it,so no, proably not this option.

Going back to school is probably the best choice. The only things to bear is just the stigma of being a repeat student and having no friends. There is also the awkward running into teachers.

I just read online that retaking takes a lot of self-discipline,which I am afraid that I don't have. Plus, there is going to be some changes in syallabus. This year, I have only studied topics which have been spotted by my teachers. Naturally, these unspotted ones which I have not studied for will come out next year. Here comes my "oh shit". Imagine studying something that you have not touched for 2 years.

This sums it all up,really. The ironic thing is that now,I am applying for scholarships too. Seriously. Sometimes, I can't help but pause and ask myself what the hell I am doing,really. Am I living the life that I want or just following the wishes of others?

If it were up to me, I will just move to a small village in America and the live the rest of my life there. All of this judgement that will come after the release of Alevel results is enough to scare me away. Yes, I am just a coward. I know I shouldn't care about what others think, but I still do. Stupid,I know. I have always been that, no matter what my classmates think.

Right. Finally re-opened this kinda-dead blog. Don't think anyone remembers it. At least I hope no one does :) But if you are reading this again,whoever you are,leave a comment and tell me!!

Life really sucks right now. But I will push on...! (at least I will try)

There's no way I am going to let down all the people who believe in my capablities. No matter how difficult the next one and a half months is going to be,I am going to do my best at the Alevels, without any distractions. No phones,no dramas. That is one promise, I swear, I will follow till my last A level paper ends on the 22nd.

So dear God, please watch over me. I will try my very best...because I HAVE TO GET INTO NUS ACCOUNTING! :)

Jiayou, Yu Lin! Never give up,even when the road seems tough. It's only a little while more. A mere blink of an eye and all of this will be over. Go get those 'A's,girl! :D

Hello~ It's been a really long time since I last blogged. I started writing in my diary more often when the workload started to pile up. It's easier to write my thoughts down when my paper and pen are just beside me. Haha. Honestly,I had considered this blog closed down for good since I had lost my drive to post online. Beisdes,I've locked up this website so no one can read it anymore. That's part of the reason why I blogged less. I mean, what's the point of writing it online when I'm not sharing it with others? lol.

But it is precisely because of this reason that I've decided to blog today. Ironic,isn't it? Haha. I had considered writing down my thoughts on Facebook,but I didn't want those "not-friends" friends reading whatever I am feeling. Then, I wanted to write in MSN as part of my pm, but I thought it's just like broadcasting to the world that I am feeling depressed. Kind of like walking around on the street with a "I AM DEPRESSED. PLEASE COMFORT ME" sign. Dots,right? lol.

Anyway,just to fill up the gap between the last post and now: I managed to get into the Honour Roll for the entire year 2011 and succeeded in getting into the workshadowing programme. Found a crush at the workplace but forgot about him promptly 2weeks later :x But the latest news is that I flunked my History and Math really bad for MSA, so bad that Mrs Tan called up Dad. Urgh. And Mr Eng came to talk to me twice. I really hate hate hate! talking to my math teacher. I always walk away feeling like the worst criminal in the world. He just CRUSHES your self-confidence with those few sentences. I guess he doesn't mean to,since he is just trying to pressure me into putting in more effort for math. But still, his method is just SO NOT WORKING. -pissed-

The first time he came to talk to me about MSA, was to ask me what was wrong. This "what what is wrong" talk is the most dreaded among all the girl students. Why? Because it is just so awkward talking to him,much less about your personal life! Good God. It is much more comfortable talking to a stuffed toy -.- Seriously. He can never be a counsellor. Then I just gave him some crap about needing to manage my time better,blah blah. Guess I was not very convincing. lol. Truthfully,I don't know what made my results so bad this time. I guess part of it is because the seriousness of the issue if amplified when the overall score is only 25, so each mark is worth 4 points. That's almost a grade! But then again,my Summation has always been very bad. T.T

The second time was on last friday. It made me so depressed that I cried for 2 consecutive days. I don't like remembering such terrible stuff,so all I can say is that I left with a very strong sense of having disappointed my teacher,who said that EXPLICITLY. The one thing I hate most in the world is disappointing someone whom I want to impress. What was most heartbreaking that A TEACHER actually told me I suck (in a way). The only 2 other times I had some an experience was when I was in kindergarten over a paste on tattoo (I avoided the teacher AMAP after that) and primary 3 over failing to do long division after mutiple tries (when the teacher almost slapped me). Now you see why I am so afraid of teachers? Sigh.

I guess all I can do now is try to do more for math and history...SIGH. Econs is pretty bad too. Everything is terrible.

What is so sad is that I can't tell this to anyone or cry on someone's shoulder. Who would listen to me? It's not like I have that many close friends and I don't want to trouble them anyway. Though it'd be nice if they could sense my great depression. Oh well. I will survive this somehow...I guess.

Siannnnn. Next tues,I have a presentation for workshadowing and I haven't prepared my script yet -.- Whatever. I just hope I don't have jelly legs on that day. It took so many months of practice to get over it just for PW. I am not sure I can do it again without any practice this time T.T

All the same,JIAYOU, YULIN! Don't give up halfway :)