I'm afraid I gave up hoping that you would at least wish me a Happy Birthday. I started off the day knowing that you would,but am now ending the day not even wanting to contact you now. What would be the point? True,it's just another day to you,but not to me. Every single year,I look forward to this day when I would once again see who are my true friends... I know that remembering birthdays is not the correct criteria to be used,but it means a lot to me. Really a lot. But forget it. It's okay. Even if you don't remember next year,I will still be forgiving you. Again and again till we finally part.

You know what? I am just going to give myself a little time to cry and then get back to work. I shall do whatever it takes to sit at my desk and start studying. Sometimes,I really wonder why I take History...

When did my life bcome so difficult? How did I become to be in such a state? What is the use of trying to act intelligent when the truth is that I don't know a single thing?? What is the use of trying to be mature if all I end up with is just being left out?? Why even try to become someone I am not when in fact, I am not eveng oing to benefit from it?? This is absolutely dumb. Dumb to the core.

-sigh- all I want to do is just to have a good cry and move on in life. Is it so difficult? Oh wait. There isn't even anytime to stop and cry now. I have a presentation and GP consultation tomorrow, with my weekend used for doing homework and studying a history test next tuesday. Note: I didn't say studying for GP and chinese CT next thursday and friday. That is how packed my schedule is. Oh well. I guess I will try to squeeze in a little of that in my weekend,but no guarantee T.T this is the sad and sorry state of someone who doesn't consistently study T.T -sigh-

I swear,after my GP exam on friday,I am GOING OUT. I don't care where, so long as I am not going to stay home and do homework or study. I shall take it as a reward for surviving yet another term without getting silver for my NAPFA (again). Yes, that means another term of NAPFA training =.=" GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. (haven't used that in a long time. kinda miss it. hahaha)

I am going to ace that damn presentation this Friday and also survive the damn PE lessons tomorrow. Way to go, Yulin! ALL THE BEST TO YOU!! XDDD

Prince William got married yesterday. Somehow,I have always associated the title "Prince William" with Prince Charming. So it felt like I lost something within me asI watched him getting married with a really beautiful Kate. Perhaps it's because I have to look for someone else to be Prince Charming? -sigh- I realised that I haven't entertained any romantic thoughts since I started my JC life. There is just no time for such fanciful daydreams anymore. -sigh- And once again,I am left friendless. Ah cao and ann have nut. Ely has JY. Peifoong,lingyan and pearlyn is another group. What about me? ME and my books. Hahaha. Oh well. I guess it's really my fault for not continuing these friendship. It seems rather sad now that I think about it. But oh well. I can't really do anything either but to make the best of what I have now. Life still has to go on,right? :)

-bangs head against wall- LIFE SUCKS. BIG TIME. KILL ME. TYVM.

Is this bitter feeling called jealousy? That someone else out there is better than me and more suited to be with him? I can't stand this. The thought that I have lost to a junior feels ridiculous. I hate this.

I have never been good at cheering people up,motivating or inspiring. But never have I wished for such an ability like now. To cheer him up. To help open his mind to more ideas. To aid him. The simple pleasure of seeing him smile is good enough for me...Even if he only ends up hurting me.

Oh my god. This is horrible. I dreamt that my CT was my stepfather. God. This is HORRIBLE.

Awwww. Went back HS to take my Olevel cert and testimonial. Felt like the last 4 years is really over. Haha,I know I am lag. Reality usually doesn't hit me until I know what I have been taking for granted. And YES! I finally got to meet up with some my batchmates again. After so long too T.T Actually it has been only 3months,but it feels really really long. So the few of us were like sitting around,trying to catch up on what we missed in each other's lives. We wanted to go find the teachers to complain (yes,complain) but they weren't around. Off to MOE excel fest. Oh well. Best of all,I got to see my fav gugu again~ Hahaha. Seriously,I miss her so much. When I saw her yesterday,I was like "waa,when did she get so beautiful?" and I am not kidding. Her complexion has become so much better and I can sense that she has the determination to work hard now,something that I couldn't feel back in secondary school. I guess JC life really agrees with her. Hahaha. But omg,she is so beautiful now! Hahaha. Maybe it has got to do with the rigorous PE she does. Poor girl. And I realised that the top scorer in my school didn't even bother going to VJ or NJ or some elite school. Instead he went to AJ =.=" wth. But I have to say that I was not surprised when he joined the drama club,but did wonder why he didn't join debate. His pro-ness in English should bring him some awards. Hahaha. Oh well,it's his choice :) And I better start on my PI before I get killed. Hahaha. And I am gonna look at some dates when all of us can get together again!! XDD

Haha. At last something to brighten up my month. I think the NCOs for hsrcy stepped down today and it seems like everyone was crying at some point or another. It feels really nice to see them all bonded together even though it doesn't really concern me. I didn't even go down to support their FAC. How sad was that? Oh well. I think they will understand if they see my result slip,so yea. Miss my batchmates more than ever. Most of them anyway :P Hopefully the sec4s can have a wonderful year before preparing for the ultimate of all challenges :) at least it seemed that way to me back then la. lol. Alright,back to muggingggggg.

I just realised that I have been subconsciously frowning a lot these days. So much so that my eyes hurt at the end of the day. This totally sucks. Life sucks. Arghhh.

TT.TT

Can someone do me a favour and just kill me?

Aww man. I suddenly miss the days I spent at my old house. With the sun setting,my mom or maid cooking dinner and me playing downstairs or with my bro. And at that time,it wasn't hdb...since there were only 5 levels. lol. Kind of like kampong area. Haha. Then at 6pm,my dad would come home and the whole family would sit at the table for dinner. AWWWW. The good old days. -SIGH-

I think my explanation skills are getting from bad to worse. When people ask me "why",I have to think for a very long while. Most of the time it's just that I don't want to tell the whole truth but neither do I want to lie. So there is like this awkward silence when my friends wait for me to answer while I think. LOL. And yea,this just happens with those in SAJC,since they don't know me well :D

Ahhh. I just got to know that Ann quitted jc life already. I have to admit that I am rather disappointed. During our sec4 days,we used to talk about going to the JCs of our choice,subjects we were going to take,life we were going to lead. Yea...so when I got to know that she quit the race because she can't cope with the mugging lifestyle,I was rather shocked. But oh well...I just hope that this is the right choice for her.

Why are my history teachers so cute?!! LOL. In secondary school,Mr Chin was always there with his .... I don't know. I just find that his way of talking always makes me smile. And now,this Mr Wee is equally .... with his um chio. Oh well,whatever it is,I just hope that this Mr Wee is as helpful as Mr Chin was. 'Cause my history really sucks right now. I am FAILING. All my subjects,actually. Yes,I know I suck. -SIGH-

I find that I am really unsure of what has truly happened. Has it all been wishful thinking on my part? If that is so,then it is really devastating. And what was with all that talk about my future? Are you really concerned about it? I mean,yea you should be,but until what extent? Why should I be so confused over your actions and speech? Because after what I have discovered about you,I realised that I don't know you at all. Argh. I don't want to think about it anymore. It's just going to make me more depressed.

When has family become so important to me? Every time they leave me to go somewhere else,there is this horrible feeling that I really don't like. It feels too empty,too strange,too cold. I hate it. Why had I ever thought that I would want to live alone,separate from them? NO! I won't be able to survive. At the very least,I need someone else with me. And if it's just a friend,I will probably be homesick most of the time. lol. Guess I am not the hostel type after all. Hahaha.

Today,I learnt that I shouldn't watch those sad movies with people crying in every other scene when I am feeling down. It just makes the waterworks start.

Every moment I have to myself,I find myself wondering whether I would really be able to cope with all these at the end of the day. Life is no longer what it used to be--laughing,joking around and just simply waiting for time to pass. Instead,the present requires us to interpret,analyse and read things with a more critical view. I really don't like that. Since secondary school,I realised that I dislike having to look for hidden intentions in people's actions,speech,thoughts. Why can't we just take things by their face value? Maybe I am just too lazy to read things deeper. Or perhaps I simply prefer to have a positive feeling about everything. Haha. I guess taking H2 History isn't a right step then. One of the reasons I like about the subject is that it allowed me to view how people truly thought at that point of time though. Makes all this contradictory,doesn't it?

I don't know. I usually take the train home alone,so I spend the time reflecting. Yet more often than not,I find myself thinking that since I made the choice,isn't it up to me to make it right? Isn't there the saying that it is up to us to live our lives happily? Yea. JY used to say that it's all about our mentality. Not so long ago,I would have simply laughed at that word. Now I am not so sure. Even though I am having so much problems with schoolwork,it's up to me to make it all work out at the end,right? Yea. Things aren't as terrible as it looked before I started on this post. Haha.

But really. How many times have I had this conversation with myself already? And how often has it really worked? I don't know. All I am more worried about is why I can't seem to understand the words "evaluate,analyse,synthesise,asses". Once upon a time,I would simply have skipped over these words had they appeared in a passage. But do I have a choice anymore?

Haha. Enough emoing. Right now,I am more concerned about how I am going to spend my weekend at home,ALL ALONE. Argh.

My hate list is growing longer. Another two things to add:
1) being sick
2) puking
3) being unable to keep from falling sick when I only sleep for 5hours a day (how am I going to get through uni(if i get in) like that?!)
4) being unable to keep from falling sick when I am stressed

More to come.

Alright,don't scream. Keep calm. And I can finish all these in time. Absolutely. I don't really have a choice. lol. GOT DO BETTER THAN NEVER DO,RIGHT? Right. Even though I know it's aboslutely rubbish T.T

Do you know what is called BOMBARDED with homework? Why can't we have 36hours a day?? Life would be so much easier if we could have just a bit more time.

One word to describe my current status: BUSY.

I have changed my mind. I no longer hate chinese. It is fun when I know how to read the words. Now the latest issue in my black book is uncooperative group members. That's the best of the best.

I am so sorry. I know that this is super antisocial of me but is there ANY way I can get out of all these outings? I really need to do my homework T.T I am not naturally smart like others -sobs and emos-

I just opened my fridge and stuck my head in. T.T

Okay,I can most definitely cope. With my vitamin Cs,I am positive I won't be falling sick anytime soon XDD It has been so long since I have sat down and just relax with music flowing out of the radio. Perhaps I can do that in err...9months time? :D And if you're wondering why I have the time to blog now,it is because I don't have any pressing stuff to settle. So yes,I still have a lot of homework on my desk T.T Tsk tsk tsk. When will I ever stop procrastinating and get down to action? Hahaha.

I realised that I haven't been running a lot since my first PE lesson in SAJC. I still can't believe that 6 rounds around the track is only 2.4km. I really can't. To me,that field is like TWICE the size of that I ran for secondary school and I had to run 6 rounds around that. wth? lol. I don't quite mind running,but I do mind if I need to do it at 10am when the sun is smiling SUNNILY, BRIGHTLY and WARMLY at me. Urgh. And I hope that my PE teacher doesn't have high hopes for my NAPFA cause I can never jump. lol. Fail T.T

Two things happened today. One,I helped treat a friend with abrasions :D So happy that I still remember some stuff from my RCY days. LOL. And yea,I am the FA rep for my class and I have warned them that my cert is expiring soon. Hahaha. Well anyway,it felt good to be able to help someone in need :) The other thing is that someone was found drowned outside SAJC. There's this river (or whatever you call it) beside my school and a bridge across it for us to walk over to the other side. It was that beautiful scenery that made me decide to just stay at this college (though CSE played a part too). It never occured to me that someone would actually choose that place to commit suicide. But well,it IS a beautiful place to die. lol. Still,it felt really sad to feel that a life was lost outside the school. Not only that,every time I read about deaths at the recent earthquake,floods and especially the clashes and revolts in the newspapers,I find myself thinking why can't the world just be a peaceful place? All these innocent lives are taken over what? Power,money or plain selfish reasons?

lol. Okay,I am spending too much time on this already. Oh and I just realised that I am so gonna die at hist,cse and gp. Wish me all the best in SAJC :)

Every now and then,I find myself wondering why the hell didn't I put MJC as my first choice. Argh.

Omg,I need to think more positvely. I LOVE CSE!!!! Right. CSE is so fun!!! ._.

Forget it. lol. The only reason why I didn't choose MJ was because of CSE. Have I said that before?

Ahhhhhhh. I find myself thinking almost every other day I spend in SAJC that I am gonna cry if someone from the clique in HS would magically appear and give me a hug. But of course,that didn't happen. Hahaha.

If every weekend is going to be like this one or worse,I think I am going to be sick,period. I spent my last two nights doing homework until 12+ when I already have a sore throat T.T and I am barely done with them. Urgh. Even BC gave us a few homework. Oh boy,whatever happened to those carefree days??

Hahaha. Sorry that was pretty incoherent. I just can't find the energy to write properly. Not with my fever T.T

omg,i don't know how long i can take this. PERSERVERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

there is nothing more i hate than to read chinese articles. especially those with impossible lengths!!

My mind and eyes are reaching their limit. I really don't know how I am going to juggle with reading so much on top of all those tests,exams and deadlines.

Why do I keep getting the feeling that I may have disappointed some people? Have I really screwed up my life that badly? ... I sure hope not.

AIISEEEHHHHH~!!!! Omg,I am feeling so high now that I can't even go to sleep!! I screamed until I lost my voice TT.TT But mann,was it fun! I haven't enjoyed myself so much since I stepped down from HSRCY. Makes me feel like joining the Student Council in SAJC just to have this burning flame continuing for another 2 years before it has to be quenched. But oh well. Studies are more important :( I am so so so so so so so gonna miss orientation and my beloved OGLs. Everytime I look at them,I am seriously awed bby the way they lead. In the past,people are always screaming just to get people to listen to them. I guess this is called "leading by fear". But in SA,these leaders somehow just wormed their way into our hearts, bonded us together and...yea. I don't know how to explain it,but it's seriously amazing. -HEARTS-

Mark of a saint~La la la la~~~ Hahahahaha. I love all those college songs we have. Makes me feel like we are one big family~ XD

Alright alright. I shouldn't zi high anymore. LOL. Well,I submitted my subject combination today (later than most schools,I know) and I really just anyhow put for 2 out of three of my options. -prays hard that I can get my first choice- If not,I really don't know what I will do T.T Ahhhhhhh. I don't even think my combi is one that is popular T.T -emo- The waiting is TORTUROUS!!!

Omg...even at this age,it still feels super super ultra weird to be holding a guy's hand. Will this weirdness ever pass? T.T I first realised this when I had to dance the Friendship dance with some rcy people. I am perfectly fine with girls but my hands go clammy with guys. Eww. All the same,I am thankful that I didn't come from a girl school. It was rather difficult for one of my friends to adjust when we realised we had to hold some random guy's hands for that damn mass dance thing. Okay,not that random. lol. But it's still with someone we aren't close with. -goosebumps-

Oh well. It isn't that big a deal,I guess. Besides,I survived it today. Part of it anyway. Tmrw is the last session XP Weeee~ For once,I am glad that no one from HS will see those retarded dance moves we have. Muahahahahahaha. But it's really really fun :)

For the first time in my life,I wished that someone would just pour a stream of cold water over my head,never mind that it was raining. So long as it gets all that foam,grass,and whatever stuff accumulated throughout the day. Eww. Hahahaaha.

You know what? I might like my school after all.

Oh.

Well,even if I don't,I am convinced that I can force myself to like it XP

I dont' know if I should be happy or sad. But I feel like dying right now. So many friends are going to SRJC,MJC,NYJC. Before submitting my JAE application,I kept asking myself "why not be with them?" I mean,MJC and NYJC are actually not bad, though I prefer m to ny. I think they might even be on par with SAJC this year. I felt like I was condemning myself to two years of hell when I saw the sms from MOE.

Okay,I got to be positive. POSITIVE. NO MORE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS. SA might not be that bad after all ... -sinks onto ground- Who am I kidding? Argh. Forget it. It's over. I just have to make the best out of it even though I really don't know anyone who is going to SA. Well,CH said he was going to appeal and hopefully,he succeeds. Because otherwise,I am seriously alone on my own. Oh god. What a terrible notion.

And when I saw how disappointed my friends were when they couldn't go to their first choice,I felt really sad. Sad that they are going to be stuck at a school which they don't like for two years. But then again,their time is going to be more enjoyable since they at least have friends with them.

I am really not looking forward to tomorrow...

I was just too dumb to see the truth.

...

Now that I finally do,it's time for me to close that door and move on. Perhaps others will open for me.

-lounging around,placing head on table- I am almost half dead. There is NOTHING to do :( I think Dad might be giving me more personal space from now on. It's just a feeling though and I haven't tested it out yet:) Oh,and I found out that if I read every word in the newspapers,it takes me more than an hour :D But I think Dad still saw through me. T.T

-bangs head against wall- I get the feeling that I am a total failure.

Shoot. I can't even lie decently. -emo- My dad came home for lunch and I was reading the papers then. After he went back to work,I switched on the com. And then he called. And I said I was reading the papers. T.T WHO TAKES ONE HOUR TO READ THE PAPERS? -buries head in sand- I hate it when he does spot checks. The price of doing sneaky stuff XP I was just reading a novel.... :D

PATIENCE!! -TAKES IN DEEEEEEP,CAAAAAAAALMING BREATHS- It is just one of those days -sigh-

EXASPERATION!!! Jeez! I just couldn't sit still for another moment. Especially when I am getting nowhere with my math revision T.T Well,I hadn't realised that I had forgotten almost everything I have learnt in the past two years after leaving those books alone for a month until ZY mentioned that it might be good to start revising ._. -SIGH- So I sat at my desk,back facing the window. And found myself reading a novel instead. Marvellous. Just splendid. It's so frustrating to have to start reading everything all over again when I couldn't do the hardest question in the chapter. I thought ita waste of time to start from the easiest,but I might have to reconsider my decision after all. lol. Right. So I ended up reading an entire novel before I got exasperated enough with my unfocus-ness to move over here. lol. There has got to be some way for me to study without distraction,right?? It is mind-boggling how did I managed to study for my Os in this study room T.T

WELL,ANYWAY. I AM BORED OUT OF MY MIND. And there is a whole pile of things for me to do... -bangs head against the wall-

lol. I am really tired. I just spent the past few hours trying to reconcile with the girl I argued with. Apparently,I had hurt her feelings. Don't even ask me what I said because I can tell you straight away I don't remember. I never remember the arguments unless it's with someone I really really really really care about. Plus I don't keep chatlogs,so I can't recall what exactly did I say. lol. After defending myself for so long,I am not even sure whether we have made some progress or are we back at square one. Actually I didn't really want to go talk to the girl after her friend came to talk to me. (Boy,does it feel good to have all six of my friends talking about me behind my back) It was ZY who said I would regret it for my life if I lost a friend for such a stupid reason. I didn't think it would be so serious,but I still listened to him. I mean,I would really like to be invited to this girl's wedding 10 years from now,but I am perfectly happy with not going out on outings with her. It's a bit contradicting,I know. But well,I couldn't say much when I have STM,could I? It was the one reason why I hardly ever win arguments T.T After I have worked myself into a heated discussion,I don't even remember what we were arguing about in the first place. And so,I lose. Hahaha.

Should we spend our life happy and optimistic,instead of being angry and upset? I guess this flaw is good in it's way. Hahaha. Oh and I am going to need to find someone to accompany me to a lunch meeting with a friend. A friend whom I have never met before. lol. Dangerous,I know. But I have known him since I was in primary school. lol. Besides,it's a great honour to meet someone as genius as him. And I really mean genius,that ass. I don't get why I couldn't have such brains T.T My cousins were in raffles too. I guess the genes didn't pass all the way down to me TT.TT Oh well. I am contend with what I have. I just hope to survive my 2 years in JC. lol. A simple enough wish :)

Am I mean? -sigh- I don't want to be either. I want to be nice too. Oh shit. I forgot to go to my anger management course. Dammit. -sigh- Tomorrow is another long day. I better get to sleep...

Just because I don't blow up often doesn't mean that I don't have a temper. Why do these people persist in thinking that I am just one tame cat sitting in a corner,helpless to do anything? I really don't understand them. Let me explain. A group of us are going out on tues. The idea was to go to Bird Park. And I was like ._. So I brought up the suggestion of going to Mind Cafe. I find my option so much cheaper (1/3 to be exact) and interesting than watching birds. So I suggested to this group. The outcome was 3v3. Brilliant. An impasse. We got nowhere with the discussion and then they suggest they go to bird park on another day and do what I want to do on tues. wtf. I don't want to be patronised. I just thought that this would be a better idea than watching birds. Those poor animals have got enough stares they have received to last them through lifetimes. But that's not the point. So one girl became pissed and said some stuff before leaving the conver. Like I wasn't pissed enough -.- right,so I just told them to do whatever they want and if they still want to invite me,please do and if not,i am fine.

Urgh. Seriously. I have never actually blown up in front of them,face to face,more of online stuff. But I really think that someday soon,I will really do it. Jeez. My face feels so warm. High blood pressure. lol.

I CAN DO THIS AND I AM GONNA DO IT! 4MORE MINUTES TILL I OFFICIALLY FINISH MY SECONDARY SCHOO LIFE. OH MY GOD. NO MORE RELAXING DAYS. FROM NOW ON,IT'S "RIP". LOL. I AM NOT GOING TO REGRET MY CHOICE. AND I WON'T! THERE CAN'T BE ANY MORE LOOKING BACK. I CAN MAKE NEW FRINEDS (HOPEFULLY) AT MY NEW SCHOOL. I CAN DO THIS!!

lol. Don't even ask why I am crying as I type this. I stayed up till 12.30 this morning to submit my JAE form. There was a panic attack sometime around 12 but I managed to survive. I didn't put a 7-point school in my top 3 choices. TJC was my 4th choice,in fact. After reading about the bullying cases in ACJC,I threw it out of my considering list. I put TJ behind because it's really far even though it's famous.

Well. SAJC is my first choice actually. And for some reason,I am rather apprehensive and worried about going there. It's such a shame that I can't go to the same school as most of my friends. Okay,I can,but SA has a higher ranking than them academically. lol. Main point is to go to uni after all. Doesn't matter how we do it,but the end result MUST be university. Isn't that so?

Then I figured I might as well cry out all the negative emotions so I went ahead. I don't think it worked. lol. Then I went to watch some motivational videos in the hopes that I can gather more courage to carry on. (influenced by Mr Chin's way to motivate self) I ended up feeling that no matter how much I worry,those obstacles are still gonna be there. Why not just face reality and do the best I can? We only live once and ought to do all we can to realise our dreams. And then all the emo music got my eyes to leak again. I remember that I almost wanted to weep in History class when Mr Chin showed us the Coffee Motivational story. Thank goodness I didn't. When Ms Toh sent us those inspirational messages to encourage us during the Olevels,I remember being very touched. There aren't that many teachers who care so much about their students. I guess other than HSRCY,I will miss the teachers there too. The ones who put in so much effort for us to do well in the Os.

Well,I am not going to burden you guys by naming out all my troubles and will just end off here. Good luck to all. Hope everyone can get into the school and course they want to :)

Well. Where do I start? Alright,I shall begin from the beginning. lol. I love such descriptive recounts. Hahaha.

So,I braved the wind and storm and finally managed to get to school after meeting up with some...friends. Later on,we were split up since we were seated according to our classes. My hands weren't as cold as they should be and that brought in some panic. Because from experience,if I don't get worried and anxious enough,my results weren't really good. Yea,so while I listened to the principals droning on about our results,I tried to will my hands into getting colder. LOL. Weird,I know. Sometimes when I am really really nervous,my hands go freezing cold,and I mean FREEZING. Brrrr. But anyway,I began to get worried when my classmates when to get their results for my hands were barely COLD T.T I walked numbly to the teachers and sat down without a smile. I signed beside my name to acknowledge that I had received my results and took those papers. My form teacher actually SMILED and said "Congratulations. I hope you can go to a good JC". I was stunned,I tell you. My brain couldn't register what she had said. I really thought she as joking with me. Plus,she isn't one to smile so brightly,seriously. lol. At most she will only um chio. lol.

So I returned to my seat and glanced at my results slip. I saw quite a few As and then I saw a B. I still didn't understand. And then I realised I was shaking from head to toe. My hands were trembling so hard that I couldn't even tear open my form A. My physics teacher offered to do it for me. Before she opened it,she said "I think you got 9points. Yea,I think so." I was like "??9points? What 9points?" LOL. It wasn't until she showed me the proof that I began to believe that I had really achieved 9points for my L1R5. I screamed. lol. I am sorry for acting in such an undignified manner but I doubt anyone noticed anyway. I was totally in cloud 9. Thank goodness I didn't cry. What shocked me was that when I told Dad my results,he wasn't surprised. He said he had already predicted it even before my Os. lol. Secretly,I wondered if he would be horribly disappointed if I had gotten 14 or 15 points (which I had really thought would be what I was going to get initially). But no matter,he went ahead and told my family and deprived me of the pleasure to surprise them. Hmph. He said that my mom and bros were thrilled. Hahaha. Oh well. -blush- I have scored better than both of my bros.

I felt so happy that I went around to thank all my teachers,or whoever were there anyway. That si ren Mr Chin,still laughed at me for I was really worried before the exam that I couldn't get a disstinction for CH. And I got an A1. Woots~! I have to admit,my results were really unexpected. But after comparing my results with students from more prestigious schools,I began to drift down from my cloud nine. lol. There are so many better students out there. I should compare myself with them rather than with my own classmates. But all the same,I AM VERY HAPPY WITH MY RESULTS. Now if only I can share my joy with someone. All my friends have deserted me after knowing my results. Sad. lol.

In less than three hours,I will either be doomed or saved. But really,either option will still lead to the same outcome. And I would rather get over my suffering sooner than later,shorter than longer. I really hope that I won't break down and cry later. lol. I tend to lose control over my emotions at such events. Especially when the results aren't the desired one. My english is really bad in here. Pardon me. I can't think straight and my fingers are totally shaking. I am typing all these down only because I need something to do. Maybe I will go practise my piano a little. I just can't sit still and wait for the impending doom.

The year has barely started and I have already suffered two disappointments. I really hope that douple won't turn triple. I don't think my heart can take that many trips down to my feet. I have been practising,you know. The feeling of my heart sinking down. In hopes that I won't cry too badly in front of everyone later. Sometimes,I find myself wondering if I have really tried my best at the Olevel examinations. I know I went through all the motions of preparing for this major exam,but was my heart really in it? Did I really do all I can? Because whenever I think about how I have done for each subject,all those that I have done wrongly came back to haunt me. And I am left feeling that I have thoroughly failed that subject. These self-doubt sessions have became more regular in the past few days,leaving me very insecure and doubtful of achieving the grades I want.

People often say that if you have enough will,you can do it. Since the exams are already over,can I will my results to be the desired grades? Haha. Okay,I am going out of my mind with worry. Anxiety. Fear. Whatever. But I really don't think I can stand disappointing everyone I love. I am afraid my mind just wouldn't accept what my heart is telling me. By blocking out the whispers of my heart,I am left doing whatever I feel is logical,practical and sometimes foolish stuff.

'Kay. What am I talking about. I don't know. I think I will just go practise my piano a little,eat whatever lunch I can get down my throat and prepare for school.

-take in DEEP,CALMING BREATHS- I shall do perfectly fine.

It was just a joke.
No,it was a taunt.
Just a harmless joke. Dont' you even have a sense of humour?
Having one does not mean I have to put up with such insults.
You know they don't mean it.
Really? How would you know?
Oh come on,just take it as constructive feedback.
Funny. Not.

I am a mere human. -swallows- I can do this.

-BIGGGGGGG SIGH-

Yay~ I finally finished watching all those dramas. They weren't very nice la,but there weren't better choices to spend my time T.T oh well.

FOUR MORE DAYS TILL OLEVEL RESULTS ARE RELEASED. My terror level rises with each passing day. It seems like my holidays had just started and Doom's Day is already here, spoiling all the fun. -sigh- So far,I have had 3nightmares and 2 good dreams about my results. I have been practising the feeling of my heart sinking down to my feet. Just in case it really happens next monday. Hopefully the disappointment wouldn't be too overwhelming T.T I don't really want to cry on the last day I go back to HS. lol. I really have to start thinking positively. But it's gonna rain...

And I am going with ah cao and her bro to TP open house later...though I am not really interested in that school. lol. It felt like a better option than rotting at home,which is what I have been doing for the past few days. Growing fatter already T.T

I was packing up my secondary schools books a few days ago and it was kind of nostalgic when I flipped through my textbooks,seeing all my notes scribbled in there and remembering how much time I spent studying those paragraphs. It really brings back memories like sitting in the midst of a really chatty group and still trying to listen to the teacher. Hahaha. And when I realised that I couldn't concentrate on what two people are saying at the same time, I focused on the work at hand instead. XD Now I have one entire hole of empty space at my desk,waiting to be filled. And I mean HOLE. LOL.

I have a prize presentation coming up this sat and I am really eager to know whether I am in the top 5 or 10 % of the cohort T.T 250bucks make a lot of difference. I calculated and realised that I am the one in the middle. Hopefully the school helped to push me up T.T

How I wish there could be more time to enjoy life a little more before I have to face Death. Usually waiting for tests and small stuff like that erases one's initial nervousness about it,yet it isn't the case for this Os T.T It's a new year. When more challenges are going to come. I have to get used to this level of fear if I am going to do some presentations before the year ends. -sigh- if only I didn't have stage fright. Times flies by but the few minutes up there can really unnerve me >.>

Oh well. I shall enjoy whatever time I have left ba. After all, many things might change within the next week.

I am sorry.

But there really isn't much I can do. Not at this stage.

Disappoint. Disappointed. Disappointment.

Hurt. Being hurt. To hurt.

I don't really want to care that much anymore. Sometimes I really think I should go live as a hermit. But then I probably won't survive there.

Pristine snow turns dirty slush. An unhappy ending.