Fear
Sunday, February 28 @ 00:50 |
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"Growing up, I wasn’t one of those girls who fantasized about her wedding day. It wasn’t until I actually began my wedding planning that I felt desires inspired by media kicking in. Wedding magazines showed me pictures of pretty invitations, elaborate cakes and the trendiest party favours. Blemish-free brides wearing designer gowns graced every page, and articles recommended skin-peel treatments and teeth-whitening for that picture-perfect look. Little did they say anything about life after the wedding, being comfortable in your own imperfect skin or saying "I love you" when you don’t really feel like saying it.
Unfortunately, by the fifth or sixth magazine, I was hooked: What I wanted became what I needed. Combined with pre-existing selfish tendencies, popular media quickly turned my earnest desire to celebrate marriage into a party about me.
Yes, weddings by all means ought to be beautiful. They commemorate the passage of a man and woman entering into a sacred union before the eyes of God. But isn’t it strange that aspirations for something so beautiful can turn into something so ugly, that in grasping for perfection, we become the complete opposite?
When we lose sight of God’s intended purpose for marriage, we reduce the lifelong union of two people to one stressful and expensive spectacle. Marriage ends up long forgotten over the selection of roses, bridesmaid dresses and catering companies. And after all that time and money, our planning for a wedding has failed to prepare us for the real thing."
Source: https://www.focusonthefamily.ca/content/battling-your-inner-bridezilla
///
When I feel that words fail me, and I know not how to express the ugliness within from the desire to - as the text above says - make it all about me, I'm really thankful for a time of Google and Internet that I can head onto to search for wisdom to recalibrate this heart of mine.
///
Prayers for myself:
https://www.beliefnet.com/love-family/relationships/weddings/4-prayers-to-help-you-during-wedding-planning.aspx
O heart - weak in intent and filled with empty emotions, but God gives grace and strength to the humble.
Humble me Lord.
Exhaust Vents and Intake Rants
Sunday, June 21 @ 12:54 |
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Here's a post to rant out how I feel inside;
I am tired. I am tired of how insane the deadlines for this CB project is (not cursing; literally the name code of the project); that we are still supposed to keep to ridiculous timelines with plans that are still constantly changing, meaning we only have a few days to come up with the revised proposal. Am I supposed to accept that this is how the industry is, that times are bad, and therefore I have to succumb to how things just are?
At the same time, I also recognise that my boss and director have been working very hard. If they had been slacking, it would be a different matter altogether, but because they are working hard (much harder in fact) to meet the same deadlines, I have much less to complain about.
Moreover, what is there to complain about Miss Chai? Is not complaining a grudge against the God-given circumstances?
Yesterday, Julia mentioned (albeit in a different context) that whatever gifts we receive, if we do not use them for God, God can easily take them away. This is true. Perhaps, the nice company environment that God had brought me to, I had recklessly squandered without appreciation to God, without furthering His Kingdom here, and instead have used it as an idol to turn my heart and time away from Him instead of further seeking and trusting in Him.
O weak heart, why do you put God to the test repeatedly? Why do you doubt your Creator? Why do you doubt the God who knows exactly what you need, and does not refrain Himself from giving you what you need even if it came as His expense and sacrifice?
Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.
Rant over; back to doing what I need to do. After all, I had a really really good break Friday night and yesterday, so it's time to do what needs to be done. Labels: work
To You
Saturday, May 9 @ 00:56 |
|
So, it’s been ten years. Time really flies in retrospect huh?
So much has happened in the last ten years; I’ve lived overseas for half that period of time, had achieved a degree with honours, had found a job back here in Singapore after struggling for a short bit, and am now still trying to pull through with what God has given.
Well, I suppose that’s always the case: Pulling through with what God has given.
I was thinking about how things might be if 1) we ever met by chance along the streets. Would you acknowledge me? Would I acknowledge you? Or would we catch up with small talk, like how old acquaintances would: awkwardly? Or what if 2) you ever decide to return. How would the dynamics change? Would I be open to it, or closed up?
Ten years seem like sufficient for wear and tear; I myself have grown weary of being pulled into the same emotional cycle of those months of tears at night. I am familiar with how I fall into the same hole of thoughts, and have learnt better how to recognise the loose soil, scraggly planting barely surviving on the crumbling ground so I can cautiously step around the hole instead. I still trip and fall in it now and then, but no major crippling trips anymore, thankfully.
Ten years have also been quite a decent frame of how God has proved to be relentlessly merciful and providing, be it regarding you, or the countless of other things in my life / our lives. Times when I focus on what’s been taken away from me / denied to me / ruefully squandered by me, I am reminded of how God has unequally provided, defended, and nurtured in my life instead. You, this day ten years ago, has also been a key point.
I still remember the study room, the mattress, sitting on the floor chatting and crying. I still remember the phone calls from Australia bringing me to reality when I was trying to shut it out via studies. I remember the dinner at Thai Express when I myself too felt so empty and questioned why.
Maybe one day I’ll forget, but for now, these memories serve a greater purpose: that God remains in control and has never stopped showing me how infinitely loving He can be by using broken pieces to create things that turned out better than expected, perhaps better than the original state.
Well, hope you’ve been doing okay. We have. And maybe one day God will string our paths together and we’ll have a proper chat and catch up.
Maybe.
///
For today, I’m just thankful it doesn’t affect as much as it has. Hopefully it’s the same for others too.
why should I be wearied
Tuesday, April 7 @ 01:34 |
|
50% -
“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.”
///
Shaken,
but I know this is already a far lighter hit than others have to face.
Some re-steering needed, but the river will continue to run its course.
My Nebuchadnezzar moment
Saturday, March 14 @ 21:35 |
|
///
“We’re greedy too, aren’t we? Greed is an inherent part of our sinful nature. We hoard our possessions and want to keep them to ourselves. We think that what we have we deserve because we have worked so hard for it. And while that is sometimes true, it is more often than not just an excuse.
What you have, you have because of the grace of God.
Yes, you may have worked for it, and yes you may have earned it, and invested it, and saved it, but who gave you the job you have, and the health you have to work at it, and the mind you have to invest it, and just the simple fact that you live in America Singapore where such opportunities to make money exist?
God gave all of that to you.
So don’t think it belongs to you or you deserve it. Don’t be greedy.”
///
“Bear fruits in keeping with repentance...
Every tree therefore that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.”
1. Be generous
2. Be honest
3. Be content
(Luke 3:1-14)
///
Miss Chai, you have allowed your greed and pride to slowly eat away in you and gradually be all that is left within. The past few days have been a toll within to not have peace and do things rather begrudgingly or in a very insecure manner, and your body feels it - so emotionally and physically drained.
But the Spirit has worked in a few who have reminded me to question myself:-
- Is work an idol to you?
- Has not God shown you multiple times how He has provided?
- Am I looking to these thin veil of “toilet paper” characteristics/skills/abilities to protect me from my fear of failure/being unliked/uncertainty?
And in His Word:
- Repent (Luke 3)
- Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I (Psalm 61)
- Earn deceptive wages, or sow righteousness? (Proverbs 11:18-19)
I may inherently be a failure and make many sinful mistakes, but God is able to deliver.
|
Fear
Sunday, February 28 @ 00:50 |
|
"Growing up, I wasn’t one of those girls who fantasized about her wedding day. It wasn’t until I actually began my wedding planning that I felt desires inspired by media kicking in. Wedding magazines showed me pictures of pretty invitations, elaborate cakes and the trendiest party favours. Blemish-free brides wearing designer gowns graced every page, and articles recommended skin-peel treatments and teeth-whitening for that picture-perfect look. Little did they say anything about life after the wedding, being comfortable in your own imperfect skin or saying "I love you" when you don’t really feel like saying it.
Unfortunately, by the fifth or sixth magazine, I was hooked: What I wanted became what I needed. Combined with pre-existing selfish tendencies, popular media quickly turned my earnest desire to celebrate marriage into a party about me.
Yes, weddings by all means ought to be beautiful. They commemorate the passage of a man and woman entering into a sacred union before the eyes of God. But isn’t it strange that aspirations for something so beautiful can turn into something so ugly, that in grasping for perfection, we become the complete opposite?
When we lose sight of God’s intended purpose for marriage, we reduce the lifelong union of two people to one stressful and expensive spectacle. Marriage ends up long forgotten over the selection of roses, bridesmaid dresses and catering companies. And after all that time and money, our planning for a wedding has failed to prepare us for the real thing."
Source: https://www.focusonthefamily.ca/content/battling-your-inner-bridezilla
///
When I feel that words fail me, and I know not how to express the ugliness within from the desire to - as the text above says - make it all about me, I'm really thankful for a time of Google and Internet that I can head onto to search for wisdom to recalibrate this heart of mine.
///
Prayers for myself:
https://www.beliefnet.com/love-family/relationships/weddings/4-prayers-to-help-you-during-wedding-planning.aspx
O heart - weak in intent and filled with empty emotions, but God gives grace and strength to the humble.
Humble me Lord.
Exhaust Vents and Intake Rants
Sunday, June 21 @ 12:54 |
|
Here's a post to rant out how I feel inside;
I am tired. I am tired of how insane the deadlines for this CB project is (not cursing; literally the name code of the project); that we are still supposed to keep to ridiculous timelines with plans that are still constantly changing, meaning we only have a few days to come up with the revised proposal. Am I supposed to accept that this is how the industry is, that times are bad, and therefore I have to succumb to how things just are?
At the same time, I also recognise that my boss and director have been working very hard. If they had been slacking, it would be a different matter altogether, but because they are working hard (much harder in fact) to meet the same deadlines, I have much less to complain about.
Moreover, what is there to complain about Miss Chai? Is not complaining a grudge against the God-given circumstances?
Yesterday, Julia mentioned (albeit in a different context) that whatever gifts we receive, if we do not use them for God, God can easily take them away. This is true. Perhaps, the nice company environment that God had brought me to, I had recklessly squandered without appreciation to God, without furthering His Kingdom here, and instead have used it as an idol to turn my heart and time away from Him instead of further seeking and trusting in Him.
O weak heart, why do you put God to the test repeatedly? Why do you doubt your Creator? Why do you doubt the God who knows exactly what you need, and does not refrain Himself from giving you what you need even if it came as His expense and sacrifice?
Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.
Rant over; back to doing what I need to do. After all, I had a really really good break Friday night and yesterday, so it's time to do what needs to be done. Labels: work
To You
Saturday, May 9 @ 00:56 |
|
So, it’s been ten years. Time really flies in retrospect huh?
So much has happened in the last ten years; I’ve lived overseas for half that period of time, had achieved a degree with honours, had found a job back here in Singapore after struggling for a short bit, and am now still trying to pull through with what God has given.
Well, I suppose that’s always the case: Pulling through with what God has given.
I was thinking about how things might be if 1) we ever met by chance along the streets. Would you acknowledge me? Would I acknowledge you? Or would we catch up with small talk, like how old acquaintances would: awkwardly? Or what if 2) you ever decide to return. How would the dynamics change? Would I be open to it, or closed up?
Ten years seem like sufficient for wear and tear; I myself have grown weary of being pulled into the same emotional cycle of those months of tears at night. I am familiar with how I fall into the same hole of thoughts, and have learnt better how to recognise the loose soil, scraggly planting barely surviving on the crumbling ground so I can cautiously step around the hole instead. I still trip and fall in it now and then, but no major crippling trips anymore, thankfully.
Ten years have also been quite a decent frame of how God has proved to be relentlessly merciful and providing, be it regarding you, or the countless of other things in my life / our lives. Times when I focus on what’s been taken away from me / denied to me / ruefully squandered by me, I am reminded of how God has unequally provided, defended, and nurtured in my life instead. You, this day ten years ago, has also been a key point.
I still remember the study room, the mattress, sitting on the floor chatting and crying. I still remember the phone calls from Australia bringing me to reality when I was trying to shut it out via studies. I remember the dinner at Thai Express when I myself too felt so empty and questioned why.
Maybe one day I’ll forget, but for now, these memories serve a greater purpose: that God remains in control and has never stopped showing me how infinitely loving He can be by using broken pieces to create things that turned out better than expected, perhaps better than the original state.
Well, hope you’ve been doing okay. We have. And maybe one day God will string our paths together and we’ll have a proper chat and catch up.
Maybe.
///
For today, I’m just thankful it doesn’t affect as much as it has. Hopefully it’s the same for others too.
why should I be wearied
Tuesday, April 7 @ 01:34 |
|
50% -
“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.”
///
Shaken,
but I know this is already a far lighter hit than others have to face.
Some re-steering needed, but the river will continue to run its course.
My Nebuchadnezzar moment
Saturday, March 14 @ 21:35 |
|
///
“We’re greedy too, aren’t we? Greed is an inherent part of our sinful nature. We hoard our possessions and want to keep them to ourselves. We think that what we have we deserve because we have worked so hard for it. And while that is sometimes true, it is more often than not just an excuse.
What you have, you have because of the grace of God.
Yes, you may have worked for it, and yes you may have earned it, and invested it, and saved it, but who gave you the job you have, and the health you have to work at it, and the mind you have to invest it, and just the simple fact that you live in America Singapore where such opportunities to make money exist?
God gave all of that to you.
So don’t think it belongs to you or you deserve it. Don’t be greedy.”
///
“Bear fruits in keeping with repentance...
Every tree therefore that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.”
1. Be generous
2. Be honest
3. Be content
(Luke 3:1-14)
///
Miss Chai, you have allowed your greed and pride to slowly eat away in you and gradually be all that is left within. The past few days have been a toll within to not have peace and do things rather begrudgingly or in a very insecure manner, and your body feels it - so emotionally and physically drained.
But the Spirit has worked in a few who have reminded me to question myself:-
- Is work an idol to you?
- Has not God shown you multiple times how He has provided?
- Am I looking to these thin veil of “toilet paper” characteristics/skills/abilities to protect me from my fear of failure/being unliked/uncertainty?
And in His Word:
- Repent (Luke 3)
- Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I (Psalm 61)
- Earn deceptive wages, or sow righteousness? (Proverbs 11:18-19)
I may inherently be a failure and make many sinful mistakes, but God is able to deliver.
|
|
COFFEE COFFEE CHAI CHAI
"So teach us to number our days, That we may present to You a heart of wisdom." Psalm 90:12
I have always used this blog to keep track of my life. It started out as an open diary, a communication platform to connect with friends. It started out as a place to call my own in the big world wide web, a place to store my memories, which, although never change, do fade eventually. That still hasn't changed.
What has changed is my attitude. My blog is no longer just a memory storage; it is also my way of keeping track who I am/was. It is my way of reflecting, so that when I read of old posts, I can tell what I had valued, and then decide if I want to change that or not. It is a very bittersweet thing, because I do read of old scars, of people who once mattered, of joys once experienced; but it is sweet, because through it, I also see how God has been faithful to me, I also am reminded to treasure the people and things I have currently, for as the famous saying goes, "change is the only constant"... ...in this world. But the saying neglects that out of this world, out of our many spatial constraints, dwells an infinite God; a God so great, I cannot fathom and ever fully know. So that's what I hope this blog does for me. It tracks my gradual progress of getting to know this great God more and more, hopefully. Even the dullest posts of my dullest days may also shine forth His glory, in due time. And so, as my friend, as my reader, this is my way of inviting you into my life - despite the distance between us, be it measured in metres, or in the time lost in our memories. It is my invitation to you to see how God works in everything, for Himself, that I may grow in Him. And if you do believe in this same God, then please, keep me accountable with what you read too, and help me to strive to live a life worthy of our calling (Ephesians 4:1). /////////////
So, who am I? As you can tell, I am a very lengthy person, so reading my blog would either train your patience, or your ability in speed reading (you can thank me very much). I am a person who greatly delights in music, art, and nature (which I just realised when put as an acronym forms 'MAN', sheesh haha). I question and doubt my talents, but recently I'm trying to learn that using them for better purposes and constantly seeking to improve them is better than doubting them. I am also a very science-y person who decided to jump into the arts field for university, and by God's grace, am faring pretty well in it. As of now, I'm happily studying landscape architecture, in Lincoln University, NZ; and I hope that I'll eventually start my landscape architecture blog so then I can link it X here (X marks the spot!)
If you've read all that and you still don't know who I am/who this blog belongs to,
I applaud you for your patience in dealing with a stranger like me ;) I know not which name to tell you, because according to my friends, I am one of many names; but the one that I am most commonly called now, it's not too hard to figure it out from this blog ;)
Au revoir!
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YUM YUM YUM
MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH
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HAVE A BIKKIE
Indeed there isn't, and so, I leave this section empty until another time!
(Papercut credits to Eileen!)
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