I don't typically think of myself as having to control everything. I'm generally pretty laid back - maybe lots of people would even say a little too laid back. Mark jokes that on the Type A/Type B personality scale I'd be around a Type D. But tonight finds me re-evaluating and reconsidering the depths of sin. After a day of not-so-super-friendly side comments between the hubby and me, the evening culminated in a not-so-friendly-still-not-resolved argument (yes, I know I need to go resolve it but sometimes it's better if I process a little first). I felt my insides boiling and the anger/disappointment/hurt steadily rising. The house quieted down for the night and I sat down to contemplate a little. Why??? Why does my heart still feel like it's hanging in the air? Why does my mind still want to run through a few good comebacks just in case he comes back downstairs? Is it really THAT big of an issue? How did that happen? Where did I go wrong?
I started praying - pretty candidly. Things like, "Lord, you got to do something so that I don't kill him." I opened up the computer, desperate to read a verse that will calm my pounding heart and welling tears. And there's a blog up on the computer - not sure how - don't think I've ever read anything on this blog before - but there are 5 kids in this house and sometimes things get clicked on. Anywho, the post was about a guy, went camping, didn't like it because he was out of control, blah blah, skim, skim...until I got to this line:
"My guess is that Jesus isn't amazed by me trying to control and fix everything myself. Could it be that Jesus is amazed when you and I lose control?"
Hrrrrrmmm. There's something to ponder. Because I know that's what I want - control of the situation, control of Mark's responses, control of my emotions. And one big nice "fix." Preferably initiated by him:) Don't know what he'll pull out but I'm sure he can manage because it's all his fault anyway, right? And then we can go on because let's face it, the kids will be up early and the day will be busy and who has time for squabbling anyway. So to sum it up, a little space, a half-hearted apology from both of us because we know that we should, push it all behind us and charge on. For the Gospel. Because that's why we're here. To apply the gospel.
HELLO DISCONNECT! Are we forgetting something here? Oh yes - applying the gospel to ourselves and each other. So even though I'd rather sit here and think about how justified and right I am, here goes (remember I'm still processing so if you're still reading you're getting the raw deal). The blogger went on to reference Matthew 8 and the centurion who came to Jesus because his servant was sick. And this man of power, used to being in control, realized he wasn't. He could have given up. He could have fought to regain the control. He could have ordered his other servants to "fix" it. Instead, he humbled himself and laid himself before the only true Healer, Restorer, Fixer of all things.
So to apply: Marriage is hard. My parents I think have one of those rare relationships where they rarely disagree so this came as quite a shock to me 10+ years ago when we were fighting on our honeymoon. Sometimes I want to despair. Most always I want to regain the control and I fool myself into thinking that if I have yummies on the table and a clean house and a joyful attitude and come up with some great new thing to do with or teach the kids and can remember to affirm Mark and think ahead enough to really serve him...THEN all will run smoothly. Dumb. All good things that I enjoy doing and on paper should equal happy life. Why doesn't it? Because I can't restore. And I can't fix it all. Wise words from one of hubby's dear old friends that have stuck with us over the years - "There's only 1 Savior in this world and you ain't it." So we recklessly and confidently abandon our control to the One who sees beyond the momentary and He heals and He restores.
Ok - done processing - off to full-heartedly apologize.
(link to blog post I mentioned above - haven't read anything else so I'm not vouching for the theological soundness of it's entirety)
