Control Freak?

I don't typically think of myself as having to control everything.  I'm generally pretty laid back - maybe lots of people would even say a little too laid back.  Mark jokes that on the Type A/Type B personality scale I'd be around a Type D.  But tonight finds me re-evaluating and reconsidering the depths of sin.  After a day of not-so-super-friendly side comments between the hubby and me, the evening culminated in a not-so-friendly-still-not-resolved argument (yes, I know I need to go resolve it but sometimes it's better if I process a little first).  I felt my insides boiling and the anger/disappointment/hurt steadily rising.  The house quieted down for the night and I sat down to contemplate a little.  Why???  Why does my heart still feel like it's hanging in the air?  Why does my mind still want to run through a few good comebacks just in case he comes back downstairs?  Is it really THAT big of an issue?  How did that happen?  Where did I go wrong?

I started praying - pretty candidly.  Things like, "Lord, you got to do something so that I don't kill him."  I opened up the computer, desperate to read a verse that will calm my pounding heart and welling tears.  And there's a blog up on the computer  - not sure how - don't think I've ever read anything on this blog before - but there are 5 kids in this house and sometimes things get clicked on.  Anywho, the post was about a guy, went camping, didn't like it because he was out of control, blah blah, skim, skim...until I got to this line:

"My guess is that Jesus isn't amazed by me trying to control and fix everything myself.  Could it be that Jesus is amazed when you and I lose control?"

Hrrrrrmmm.  There's something to ponder.  Because I know that's what I want - control of the situation, control of Mark's responses, control of my emotions.  And one big nice "fix."  Preferably initiated by him:)  Don't know what he'll pull out but I'm sure he can manage because it's all his fault anyway, right?  And then we can go on because let's face it, the kids will be up early and the day will be busy and who has time for squabbling anyway.  So to sum it up, a little space, a half-hearted apology from both of us because we know that we should, push it all behind us and charge on.  For the Gospel.  Because that's why we're here.  To apply the gospel.

HELLO DISCONNECT!  Are we forgetting something here?  Oh yes - applying the gospel to ourselves and each other.  So even though I'd rather sit here and think about how justified and right I am, here goes (remember I'm still processing so if you're still reading you're getting the raw deal).  The blogger went on to reference Matthew 8 and the centurion who came to Jesus because his servant was sick.  And this man of power, used to being in control, realized he wasn't.  He could have given up.  He could have fought to regain the control.  He could have ordered his other servants to "fix" it.  Instead, he humbled himself and laid himself before the only true Healer, Restorer, Fixer of all things.

So to apply:  Marriage is hard.  My parents I think have one of those rare relationships where they rarely disagree so this came as quite a shock to me 10+ years ago when we were fighting on our honeymoon.  Sometimes I want to despair.  Most always I want to regain the control and I fool myself into thinking that if I have yummies on the table and a clean house and a joyful attitude and come up with some great new thing to do with or teach the kids and can remember to affirm Mark and think ahead enough to really serve him...THEN all will run smoothly.  Dumb.  All good things that I enjoy doing and on paper should equal happy life.  Why doesn't it?  Because I can't restore.  And I can't fix it all.  Wise words from one of hubby's dear old friends that have stuck with us over the years - "There's only 1 Savior in this world and you ain't it."  So we recklessly and confidently abandon our control to the One who sees beyond the momentary and He heals and He restores.

Ok - done processing - off to full-heartedly apologize.

(link to blog post I mentioned above - haven't read anything else so I'm not vouching for the theological soundness of it's entirety)

Well, hats off to you people who can blog life and live it at the same time.  We're low on sleep around here but full of thankfulness for all the ways the Lord has provided.

Exciting things:

1. My parents came for an altogether too short visit in April.  Here's one of my favorite pictures:

You can call my mom if you want - she has LOTS more pictures to show you.

2. The equipment for the opthamology clinic arrived!!!  It was a long complicated process to get it all here and something we had been praying about for a long time.  If you know nothing about the opthamology clinic you can go to The Hensons in Cusco  to read more about it.  Nathan is in the process of unpacking everything now and should be up and running in about a month!  This is particularly exciting for our family as Mark is likely going to switch over to mostly working there - always something else to learn!

3. These two little boys had birthdays!  In the past I've blogged old pictures of the birthday child from baby til now - yeah - didn't happen this time.

4. We moved to a new house.  We are now closer to friends, the university and the grocery store!

5. Sickness - Everyone but Reide and I has now had their first round of parasites.  Reide had her own drama which she is finally starting to recover from.  I cannot tell you how encouraged we were by the number of people who have responded to our request for prayer.  I read through the emails  several times as I was up with her during the nights.  Your words were life giving to me when I was worn out. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for interceding for us.

6. Mark and Hannah are on the Amazon River!  You can read a little about the people running the ship at Amazon Medical Missions.  They are joining a group of dental students and professionals from Augusta - extra fun since some of our close friends will be there!  Mark is in charge of evangelism teams and Hannah is helping out with children's ministry.  I was hugely impacted by short-term mission trips growing up so am super excited for Hannah to have this opportunity - and a little jealous since I've never been on the Amazon!  Be praying for both of their hearts and the hearts of those they will come into contact with.

Oh, and Reide learned to walk - definitely my earliest walker by far!  This is before she got sickly - she's still not quite back up to par... 

Five short months ago we dove into homeschooling a 3rd grader, a 1st grader, a Kindergartner, and a few other tag alongs.  Last week I sent them out into the world.

Inside the gates of Ausangate

   

Ausangate is a bilingual school with a little over half of their day being taught in Spanish.  It's going well so far although Eli's teacher did say that after the first few hours on the first day he just covered his ears with his hands and put his head down on his desk.  I can relate!!!

It's hard to let them go for a season but I'm glad to come home to this:

Pray for Hannah, Eli and Hank (and Abe - he's going to a neighborhood preschool several times a week) as they enter into the Peruvian school system.  Pray that Mark and I will disciple them well as they learn to share the gospel in a different context than anything they've encountered before.  There are precious few other believers in the school - no christian teachers or administrators that we are aware of.  Pray that they would gain fluency quickly and be patient with themselves and their limitations as they do (imagine having to write/do projects in a language you don't really know).  Pray that they would make friends and that their relationships (with friends, teachers, each other) would be winsome for Christ.  Pray that their relationships with each other would strengthen through these shared experiences and that God would keep their little hearts steadfast in Him.  Thanks for walking through these things with us.