10 day later and a lor older

I feel bad about not writing in my blog for over 10 days, but I said I was going to be positive. I just felt that I couldn't be positive about what happened to me so I just kept quiet.

In a nutshell

Went in on January 19 and they told me to induce at 9PM. Just to recap I had 5 follicle 20.5,17,10.5, 21.5, 20 my E2 level was 1171 which has not increased much over the 1142 from Jan 17. Had HCG measure and it was 269 after 12 hours. Apparently as long as it is over 50 everything was good.

Went in for retrieval at 9. Got out at 11. 11? what the hey they told me 20 minutes. Then I learn that they found one egg after aspirating and flushing 6 follicles. Barely any granulosa cells and little cumulus cells Uno did not fertilize. The same day I found out about the failure to fertilize I found out I got tenure. Remember that I was actually out of town and my hubby had to talk to the embryologist. Haven't talked to my RE since then, though he cryptically released the HCG value on my patient chart. Weird because no other values have ever been released.

Now trying to figure out what we should do next. My negative, realistic side had already filed all of the paperwork necessary for DE. But my optimistic side wants another shot. Asked for a DHEA prescription. Asked RE if we might be able to screen for cycle with higher antral follicles. Also talked to fellow coworker who had a baby at 42. Turns out she did IUI on injectables, never had more than two follicles. Did IUI twice had chemical pregnancy first cycle then got pregnant second cycle. She gave me tremendous hope. Now, I wonder if we should have done IUI this cycle. I had no idea we wouldn't recover at least three eggs. I just didn't know it was even a possibility, but weirdly enough Mekate went through a very siimilar scenario one day later. Coincidence I think not. It was the woman who had 8 babies who stole our good mojo.

For now, I am setting up an appointment with the DE shrink to discuss all the psycological ramifications. I will talk about this more later, but that is all for now.

Hoping bb's ER went superbly today.

Low stress, only positive vibes

I am going to try a new approach. If I want my baby to be happy and well adjusted, I should be that as well. For the next two weeks (hey I don't know how long I can really pull it off), I am going to be filled with positivity, hope, joy, and love. I am going to be thankful for all of the good things and recognize that the bad things are not so bad. I will try to "not sweat the small stuff." Cortisol and norepinephrine can't be that beneficial for someone with hormones raging through their body so I am just going to relax. Go to be early. Enjoy my cup of decaf coffee every morning and pet the puppy butt.

Oh, about the puppy butt. I have a lab/greyhound mix that we got from the pound 6.5 years ago. She has been with me through thick and thin and she is a constant source of joy and amazement to me. OK, maybe I am laying it on a bit thick, but really she has always been there and she does make me smile every time I look at her. Any way, she loves to get her butt scratched. And she is so happy when it occurs. I now consider it a therapy for me. Scratching, petting, or even just touching the puppy butt makes me happy, because I know she is there and that she gives me unconditional love.

If you are having a bad day I recommend puppy butt therapy. It inexpensive, simple to use, and renewable.

Bless his heart

First, I need to complain a little about the failure of the fellow to really look at my follicles. As I said before I had 4 that were coming along nicely. Then on Saturday the fellow only counted 3. I asked about the other one. She said it was too small. I was heartbroken. I started crying in the little changing area. Then I left and cried at work. Then I left and cried at home. We were told to continue with the stimulation drugs so we had to go buy more. I decided it would be a good day for shopping and no more work. I bought some nice work clothes and while I was trying them on, Dr. B. called. We discussed everything and decided no immediate decisions had to be made on Saturday. Then he said that my E2 was 1150. I was suspicious that the "little" follicle was indeed still good and growing.

Go in this morning. We had a 21, 2X20, 17 and a 10. Because it is a holiday, only a skeleton crew was working and nobody really knew what I was supposed to do next (though the nurse said that I would stimulate for sure tonight). When the fellow called Dr. B. to get the scoop. He told him I only had 3 follicles. We decided that IUI was the way to go. All this time I was thinking, that I could have sworn I had 2X20 not one at 20 (which is what the fellow told Dr. B). Then the nurse again stopped the fellow and showed him that I had 4 mature not 3. With this in mind, now I felt there was more of a decision to be made. IUI or IVF. 2K vs 6K.

I called my honbun and we still couldn't decide. I decided to look up some data on women my age with IUI and IVF success rates. I found one really good review that said for women of advanced gestational age success rates of 3 hormone IUI cycles is equivalent to one IVF cycle. I thought wow this means the third time is a charm for us. My DH, on the other hand, said hmmm... that means IVF is three times more effective than IUI. I was all for leaving the darling eggies in their cozy sacs and letting the spermies get to them when they are ready. DH said lets do the IVF. We have lost more money in the stock market than we would spend on getting a baby. So I guess we are doing this. ER on Wednesday. Oddly, I have to fly out of town at 5pm. I sure hope that the ER is scheduled for early in the day.

I have always said I am not a gambler, but really if the only thing that is effecting my decision is the monetary costs then I guess that is not the best reason.

Thanks to everyone for the kind word. It really brightens my day.

Then hope floats away

Well, I almost broke down in tears at work today. 4 crummy follicles 14, 12.5, 12 and 11.5. E2 was 550. I don't know. Everyone seemed happy about this. I on the other hand feel like a broken women. Just crumble me up and throw me in the trash. Most likely I will do the HCG shot on Sunday (if they decide to continue with this cycle). Why couldn't it have been 6? then it would be a no brainer, but 4. I know it only takes one, but I do this for a living in mice and I know darn well it is a numbers game. The more you start with the more you get in the end.

It was worth getting up so early

Apparently my nurse isn't so good with writing down the appointments once they are made. It is kind of like the Seinfeld episode where they are good at "taking" reservations but not as good at "keeping" the reservation. Well, it wasn't so bad. When they realized they had double booked Dr. B said he would come in early and do the U/S himself. This required that I also come in early and do the U/S and b/w, but I thought it is better to get in early and then I don't have to take any time off work.

I really like it when I surprise the Drs. Last cycle was a complete bust. The highest my E2 levels reached was 52 and then they plummeted. (Hmm it really feels like there should be two t's there, but oh well). Any way this cycle is going better. I am really, really frightened about getting too excited about this. I feel like I am jinxing myself, but I can't help it. I am very happy about the results. (Maybe not as happy as Dr. B because I really don't quite have a full grasp on the E2 number game, yet)

What did the u/s reveal? 5 follicles greater than 10mm. (that seems pretty good considering it is only day 6 of stims (and I haven't done that injection yet). Even more suprisingly, there were 10 other follicles hanging out that were less than 10. Dr. B suggested that a few of them might get with the program and start growing. My nurse, K, told me that she heard I was very photogenic this morning. She has been doing this job for quite awhile and I have the feeling that she used that line before, but I appreciate the sentiment.

Then they call and give me the E2 levels......247. Now, I have read all of the info that says that E2 levels should be around 200/mature follicle at the time of harvest. So to me 247 doesn't sound that great, but again Dr. B. (or so I was told), was pleasantly surprised. I guess he was just a little tainted by my dismal failure during the last IVF cycle.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I am thankful for my clinic, for all of the people there (I think they really do care), for my lovely husband who hasn't heard the good news yet, for my beautiful baby dog who will be the baby protector, and for all of the cyclesistas, who help put things in perspective. I don't know why I got all mushy, I just felt like I needed to say that I really do appreciate my life, and I felt that sometimes you just have to say these things.

Go estradiol go

Well I heard from the Drs office yesterday. I was prepared for the worst. Last time my day 3 E2 levels were 52. I really didn't know if it was good or bad. They called today and it was 106. I think that is quite good considering I am stimulating at night. Which means theoretically I had had only 2.5 days of stimulation. The resident said that Dr. B was quite happy and maybe a little surprised with that number. I have to admit my left ovary already hurt. I will have to look back and find out if it had the most antral follicles.

Maybe this time will be different. I was a little concerned because my temperature rose by 0.3 degrees this morning. Please don't let me ovulate too early.

I go in tomorrow for another E2 level and an U/S. Cross your fingers.

This time it is for real

Needless to say the two cycles of IUIs didn't work. Finally, after a holiday hiatus, I am back in the ring to take another swing. Come on hit me with your best shot.

Mysterious bleeding started on day 20 of OCP. Very unusual. Also tracked my BBT. It was over 98 for the past 20 days. Part of this may be due to illness. But then two days ago temperature dropped. Very strange. It is as if I went through an ovulation cycle (even though I know that is not possible). Granted I had a few days of antibiotics but I don't think it could have completely abrogated the OCP.

Went in today for a whole round of repeat tests. Yes, I have been doing this for over a year now. Got a pap, blood work for STDs, and an US. The little ovaries picked up their pace a bit. lefty had a least 5 antrals and righty had 4. Yippee! That is the most so far. Things are already looking up.

I am going to be on the Lupron flare protocol. Apparently, because I was totally suppressed last time, we will try a gentler, kinder approach. Remember last time I had zippo ER and had a cancelled cycle. Then 13 days later I had two huge follicles, and I underwent an IUI procedure. It obviously didn't work, but I think it just goes to show that I was over suppressed.

I start Lupron in two days. Only this time I am getting two injections a day. One in the morning and one at night. Then two days later I pull out the big guns.