Please forgive me if I can't forgive anymore.

You know, I never really told you this but

I loved you.

I loved how you smile.

I loved how you laugh.

I loved how your eyes shined.

I loved the way you talk, your voice was music to my ears.

I loved your face, the face that used to be able to make me smile.

Now your face just makes me cry.

Not even silent crying, but uncontrollable sobbing. 

I cry when I see your face, the memories we had, the fun times we spent together. I cry thinking about my stupidity and stubborness for holding on to you, despite everyone else telling me to let go because you weren't worth it. 

But I felt you were worth it. I felt that 'good things come to those who wait'. Ha, boy was I wrong.

You posted that photo of your new lover. Someone I didn't know existed because you never mentioned anything about her. You didn't bother telling me your heart has been taken by someone else so easily while I fought for it for 5 fucking years. I broke down the walls you built around your heart only for someone else to take it. I deserved at least the truth about your feelings. Truth hurts, so you should've told me sooner. At least it wouldn't have hurt as much. I was in love with you but I still deserved to know because I was your friend. 

I was your friend for 5 years - listening to your rants, keeping all your secrets, sharing moments. I should've at least been told that you found someone else and that you're sorry. But even till now, you've never formally apologized to me for breaking my heart. You didn't see me suffer while you went around frolicking in the fields with your new lover. Because I was suffering on the inside. It was eating me alive. I kept quiet.

I thought you would at least have the common sense to come to me first to apologize for not telling me sooner, considering the fact that you actually knew how I felt about you for the past 5 years. I never stopped loving you.

Until I found out that day.

You little shit. I had to forget about you. I drowned myself in the virtual laggy world of Destiny. I opened my heart to let others in. I finally gave up on you because you never gave a damn about me. I forced myself to remember all the bad things you did to me, all the mini heartbreaks, the complete disregard for my feelings, the lack of guilt and remorse for leading me on. I hated you for making me chase you for 5 years and of which along the way, you actually gave me false hopes. 

No don't even say you treat all your female friends the same way you treated me. That's just bullshit. After everything we've been through, you and I both know, we had a thing going on at one point. But it fell through, along with your heart.

Maybe that's why you're so heartless towards me.

I'm over it now. I've moved on. I crush on other guys. You're just merely a memory of what could've been. 

I only broke into tears because I realized I had really loved you. 

I'm sure we can be friends now, but it won't be the same anymore. You've changed me, thank you but also, fuck you.

Say you'll be my nightingale.

Hello there. :)

I saw a recent spike of viewers from yesterday and I'm guessing it's the same people who saw my tweets about a new date, huh?

Yeah you're right. I'm definitely gonna post about him. And I'm gonna do that now. On a weeknight. At 2am. When I'm supposed to be sleeping because work tomorrow. But for you all... Okay lah. :')

So anyway, let's start from the very beginning.
I was talking to Luqman, a personality people know as Mak Jah on social media and he was telling me to use Tinder to make new friends because who knows, one of those new friends could be someone I'm supposed to meet in life, much like fate, you know? I was a huge skeptic, because I was afraid of all those weird creepers and mats and bengs chatting me up if we get a match and then annoying the hell out of me. But I gave it a shot anyway, so I downloaded the app the next day, set up my profile and tried getting use to the left and right. I swept left for a lot of people and right for some qtpais and got a few matches.

It was like 7 or 8 matches then I got bored and just left the app. But then someone sent me a "Hello" and to which, I responded back. You know, just test water first. Then he asked if I was his mum's ex-student because he saw his mum on my mutual friends and I just burst out laughing because yes I was, then it felt momentarily awkward but we started talking. I told him I had seen him around SP campus before because he looked really familiar. Then we talked about our work and stuff and he told me he had been patrolling RWS too, which was weird because then I remembered I was admiring this cute police officer while eating McD and waiting for my dad and it was probably him. Hahaha, talk about fate right?

So then we exchanged numbers, within one day of conversing within Tinder itself. I trusted him because he was my ex-primary school teacher's son and that teacher was really nice so I assumed her son was great too. And I was right. He was adorable. We were exchanging cute texts and offering to take each other to places. But it was all rated G, no NSFW stuff. I told Luqman about this and he advised to meet up as soon as possible, because online friendship usually fades off into the abyss after a period of not talking, and then the meet up will never happen. So while talking about certain places, "date" kept coming up and we both were mentioning it.

He finally gave a day we could go out and it was the Sunday in the same week we first talked. We were keen on cafe-hopping and trying new things, so we made that our goal. We initially wanted to go to Gardens By The Bay, but then we changed our plans.

On Sunday, 21 Feb 2016, we finally met at the busy Jurong East MRT. He was cuter in real life, with cheeks I'd love to cup in my palms all the time, a smile that warmed my heart and height that would match Jensen Ackles (I would say Jared Padalecki but Jared's a giant). We started talking, gradually becoming more and more comfortable with each other. My stomach had butterflies the whole time, and it was too damn long since I last felt that way while with a guy. My heart swelled. I felt my smile growing wider and wider as he told his stories and let out that adorable laugh. I realized I was actually liking this guy.

We were headed to Bugis because we wanted to try the steak at The Royals Steakhouse. We reached the restaurant at 11:40 but it wasn't open yet, so we went to Zam Zam and had ice teh 'o' while getting to know a little bit more about each other. He was funny, he made me laugh till my cheeks hurt. Haven't had that in a while.

An hour after ice teh 'o', we headed back to the steakhouse for our lunch. The place was great. It had a chill atmosphere, beautiful decor and a pretty costly menu, like seriously pricey. But I had a great view so I didn't really care. ;)

After a great, fulfilling lunch, we intended to go play some video games at Bugis+ but apparently, the shop isn't there anymore so we had to travel to The Cathay. We went over, still rambling on about our lives and our interests, laughing with each other a tad too much. I think I really like this guy.

We got to St Games at The Cathay and we got the 1-hour slot. We intended to play Halo but then the controller was spoilt in some way so we changed to Rock Band and rocked out on the guitar and took turns to sing. I did well, he didn't so well but because he was so fucking adorable, I let him off. ;)

So, after that, we decided to go to Zulos in Clementi so we took the train to Buona and then to the cafe. Along the way, there were comfortable silence. Mainly because we were both exhausted and still full from the steak. But half the time, I felt like it was so comfortable.

We reached Zulos, had some nice waffles and churros and talked a little bit more. I realized just then how often I was gazing at him. He wasn't as handsome as Jensen Ackles but he was handsome enough to make my heart skip beats. When he smiles, a piece of my heart fixes itself from the broken past. I was falling for a stranger I had only met once.

After having dessert, we headed home. He had night shift work that night so he had to get home to get his stuff then leave again. We took 188 together, since he lived just three bus stops away from me.

Thanks for the great first date, Aziz.
Looking forward to our next adventure together, insya'Allah.

P/s: We're still texting and he definitely knows how to make me blush.