Saturday, September 25, 2004

Music is so fun

Last nite in nps, Edward taught mi n dj some pop piano.. haha.. and it's so fun.. although i haven go try it yet, but I always enjoy seeing Edward playing on the piano.. he is so pro.. haha.. really is my idol.. haha.. Sudeenly have the urge to learn pop piano.. haha.. But i think i better concentrate on my classical piano first b4 i move on to pop piano..

Last nite practices, as usual, i enjoyed it.. haha.. especially when we gers are playing the "music box dancer", the guys becomes the dancers and dance around us.. is so funny.. haha.. they jump here jump there like dancers tt have gone mad.. oops.. haha.. funny lah..

Juz now suddenly remember that i have the program to convert midi files to music scores.. thanx to buc su for sending mi the music which reminds mi of the program.. so converted a mid sent by cz (thanx!) the other time and tried it on the piano.. hmm.. is nice.. able to catch the tune but not all the rhythm.. haha.. but is really nice lah.. i wanna master tt piece after all tis stupid tests n exams.. keke..

l0ve `n live fer eu__]* 7:01 PM

Thursday, September 23, 2004

Tired..Very Tired.. Very Very Tired..

Very very tired recently.. and i am getting my headache back.. whenever i am tired, I will have headache.. Ya.. so today i have my headache acompanying me for the whole day.. Tahan through the two practicals and then the 3hours break to study for the CUCOM test at 5pm.. and after tt, still got guitar practice to tahan.. Feel like eating panadol.. but cannot lah.. if everytime headache eat panadol.. sooner or later i will be dependent on it.. so cannot..

Three more weeks before exams start.. ya.. kinda realise there are alot of things to study.. CCTA, ABC, ACMB, and that stupid INSTRU.. argh.. hate tt module most.. Yesterday, the whole class complain to tt lecturer abt the CT2 paper.. he still can sit there n laugh.. saying that he like the paper.. argh.. box him ar.. wish tt i can faster get it done n no nd to c him again..

Cannot taghan le.. I wanna go slp le.. ZZZ...

l0ve `n live fer eu__]* 11:07 PM

Monday, September 20, 2004

INSTRUMENTATION

ya.. today is the stupid instru test.. hai.. the paper is DIFFICULT!!! all those revision tt i had last week was wasted.. 50 marks of the paper is defination and i dunno the meaning.. Advantages and disadventages onli come out a few.. so for the defination part, i juz leave a big space to c whether i can crap on the question or not cos each defination worth 5 marks.. in the end i onli able to write one or two sentences for each defination..

When doing the paper, my stupid stomach is aching.. have to endure the pain and continue my paper.. anyway.. mi today very bad.. keep cursing the teacher.. keke.. not onli mi loh.. i think most ppl do tt also.. cos what he consider impt, eg. diagram NEVER come out.. so ppl study hard for those things tt he consider "IMPORTANT" actually is not..

I muz consider myself as at the last 30mins before the paper, I asked my frenz abt the comparison of the GLC and HPLC and then faster memorise tt.. if not another 20 marks gone.. Juz hope tt i can pass the paper.. dun wish to re-take the test..

After the test, went to have our lunch and check out our culture cells.. during this time, we took alot of photos of ourselves.. ya.. the photo sessions again.. haha.. next time when the photos are ready, i will post it here..

l0ve `n live fer eu__]* 1:50 PM

Sunday, September 19, 2004

Changing

Everything is changing in this world at all times.. and this includes me.. Ya.. Recently, I realised that I have changed alot.. Never really know abt it until tis few days i feel tt i am weird.. haha.. like wat jun said, i am growing up.. haha.. funny leh..

I dun really know that whether the change to mi is a gd or bad.. I myself think tt is not gd, but jun say is normal tt i got tis type of thinking.. mayb is really normal, mayb i am not as silly as b4 le? hu knows? My family used to say tt i am a silly girl.. ez to get cheated by others.. haha.. Whatever it is, juz hope tt i am changing for the better and not worst..

Have been bugging on INSTRU today.. getting sick of tis module.. dun really know wat i am studying.. hopw tt tis semester ended quickly..

l0ve `n live fer eu__]* 1:32 AM

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Chick's Embryo

Today's CCTA prac is abt culturing embryonic cells from chick's embryo.. OMG.. today i juz killed a baby chick.. okok.. although is not fully formed into chick, but is still killing of life..

We started off by cracking the egg's shell and then remove it.. after tt we will remove the membrane in the shell, and then you can see the chick's embryo in it.. it's disgusting.. so when it reach the lifting out the embyo step, i passed it to Lin to do it.. but hor.. the mincing and cutting of the embryo is back to mi.. yucks.. Jo said that i was kind of turning my head away when i am mincing the embryo.. haha.. i din notice tt.. So after tis interesting part is all the process of getting the cells.. blah blah blah..

*Finally i partly understand y i was unhappy tt day.. as for the rest, i think i slowly understand y le..*

l0ve `n live fer eu__]* 8:46 PM

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Quote from RC's e-mail: 印度的密教经典－－古老的祝福

给你生活的忠告:

多吃些粗粮.

给别人比他们自己期许的更多，并且用心去做

熟记你喜欢的诗歌

不要轻信你听到的每件事，不要花光你的所有，不要想睡多久就睡多久。

无论何时说“我爱你”，请真心实意。

无论何时说“对不起”，请看着对方的眼睛。

相信一见钟情。

永远不要忽视别人的梦想。

深情热烈地爱，也许你会受伤，但这是使人生完整的唯一方法。

用一种明确的方法解决争议，不要冒犯。

永远不要以貌取人。慢慢地说，但要迅速地想。

当别人问你不想回答的问题时，笑着说“你为什么想知道？”

记住那些敢于承担最大风险的人才能得到最深的爱和最大的成就。

给妈妈打电话。如果不行，至少在心里想着她。

当别人打喷嚏时，说一声“菩萨保佑”。

如果你失败了，千万不要忘记汲取教训。

记住三个“尊”：尊重你自己；尊重别人；保持尊严，对自己的行为负责。

不要让小小的争端损毁了一段伟大的友谊。

无论何时你发现自己做错了，竭尽所能去弥补。动作要快！

无论什么时候打电话，摘起话筒的时候请微笑，因为对方能感觉到！

找一个你爱聊的人结婚 ， 因为当年龄大了以后，你会发觉喜欢聊天是一个人最大的优点。

找点时间，单独呆会儿。

欣然接收改变，但是不要摒弃你的个人理念。

记住，沉默是金。

多看点书，少看点电视。

过一种高尚而诚实的生活。当你年老时回想起过去，你就能再一次享受人生。

相信上帝，但是别忘了锁门。

家庭的融洽氛围是难能可贵的。

尽你的全力让家平顺和谐。

当你和你亲近的人吵嘴的时候，试着就事论事，不要扯出那些陈芝麻，烂谷子的事。

不要摆脱不了昨天。

多注意言下之意。

和别人分享你的知识，那才是永恒之道！

善待我们的地球。

不要愚弄自然母亲。

忙自己该做的事。

不要相信接吻时从不闭眼的伴侣。

每年至少去一个你从没去过的地方。

如果你赚了很多钱，在活着的时候多行善事。这是你能得到的最好回报。

记住有时候，不是最好的收获也是一种好运。

深刻理解所有的规则，合理地更新他们。

记住：最好的关系存在于对别人的爱胜于对别人的索求之上。

回头看看你发誓取得的目标，然后评判你到底有多成功。

无论是烹调还是爱情，都用百分之百的负责态度对待，但是不要期求太多的回报。

因为陌生，所以勇敢，因为距离，所以美丽。

┏━━┓我　　 ●╭●╮　 我┏━━┓　

┃天长┃想°☆ /█∨█\ ☆ 爱┃曾经┃

┃地久┃你　 ∏　∏ 你┃拥有┃

┗━━┛　 ·☆爱你一生☆· ┗━━　　　　　　　　　　

l0ve `n live fer eu__]* 5:12 PM

Monday, September 13, 2004

Story 23: Leaf's departure is because of Wind's pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay?

Tree
===

The reason I'm called tree is because I'm good at painting trees. Overtime I start to use a tree on the right hand corner as a trademark for all my watercolors painting. I have dated 5 gals when I was in Pre-U. There's one gal who I love a lot but never dare go after her. She doesn't have a pretty face, doesn't have a good figure, doesn't have outstanding charm. She is just a very ordinary gal.

I like her. I really like her. Like her innocent, like her frankness. Like her cuteness, like her intelligence and her fragility. Reason for not going after her is because I felt somebody so ordinary like her is not a good match for me. I'm also afraid that after we are together all the good feelings will vanish. I'm also afraid other's gossips will hurt her. I felt that if she's my gal, she will be mine ultimately & I don't have to give up everything just for her. The last reason, made her accompany me for 3 years. She watch me chase after gals, and I have make her heart cry for 3 years.

She wants to be a good actress and I'm a very demanding director. When I kissed my 2nd girlfriend, she bumped into us. She was embarrassed but smile & say "Go on!" before running off. The next day, her eyes was swollen like a walnut. I purposely didn't want to think about what causes her to cry but laugh at her the whole day. When everybody go back home, she was alone crying in the classroom. She didn't know that I returned from soccer training to get something. I watch her cry for an hour or so.

My 4th girlfriend didn't like her. There was once when both of them quarreled. I know that based on her character she's not the type that will start off the quarrel. But I still sided with my girlfriend. I shouted at her and her eyes was filled shocked. I didn't care about her feelings and walked off with my girlfriend. The next day, she still laugh & joke with me like nothing has ever happened. I know that she's very hurt but she didn't know that my heart ache is as bad as hers.

When I broke up with my 5th girlfriend, I asked her out. After going out for a day, I told her that I have something to tell her. She told me that coincidentally, she has something to tell me too. I told her about my break up and she told me about her getting together. I know whose the guy. He has been going after her for quite a while. A very cute guy full of energy, lively and interesting. His pursuit for her has been the talk of the school.

I can't show her my heart ache but could only smile & congratulate her. When I reach home, the heart ache is so strong that I can't stand it. It's like a heavy weighted stone on my chest. I couldn't breath. Wanted to shout but can't. Tears rolled down & I broke down & cry. How many times have I seen her cry for the man that doesn't acknowledge her presence too.

During graduation, I read a sms in my hp. It was send 10 days ago when I broke down and cry. I haven't read it since then. It says "Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay"

Leaf
===

During Pre-U days, I like to collect leaves. Why? Because I felt that for a leaf to leave the tree she has been relying on for so long it takes a lot of courage. During the 3 years of Pre-U I was on very close terms with a guy. Not BGR kind but as buddy kind. But when he had his 1st girlfriend, I learnt a feeling I never should have learnt - Jealousy. The sourness in the heart can't be describe by using a lemon. It's like 100 rotten sour lemon. Sourness to the extreme limit. They were only together for 2 mths. When they broke up, I hide my strong sense of happiness. But after a mth, he got together with another gal.

I like him & I know he like me. But why won't he pursue me? Since he love me why he doesn't want to make the first move? Whenever he had a new girlfriend, my heart would hurt. Time after time, my heart was hurt. I begin to suspect that this is a one sided love. If he don't like he, why does he treat me so well. It's beyond what you will normally do for a friend. Liking a person is very heart wrenching. I can know his likes, his habits. But his feelings towards me I can never figure out. You can't expect me a gal to ask him right?

Despite that, I still want to be by his side. Care for him, accompany him, love him. Hoping that one fine day, he will come & love me. It's like waiting for his phone call every night, wanting him to send me sms. I know that no matter how busy he is, he will make time for me. Because of
this, I waited for him. The 3 years were the hardest to go through & I really want to give up. Sometimes, I wonder should I continue waiting. The pain and hurt, the dilemma accompany me for 3 years.

Till the end of my 3rd year, a 2nd year junior begins to go after me. Everyday he pursuit me relentlessly. From outright rejection to a point in time when I felt that I'm willing to let him have a small footing in my heart. He's like a warm & gentle wind, trying to blow a leaf away from the tree. In the end, I realized that I didn't want to give this wind a small footing in my heart. I know this wind will bring this badly battered leave far away & better land. Finally I left tree, but the tree only smile & didn't ask me to stay. Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay

Wind
====

Because I like a gal called leaf. Because she's so dependent on tree so I have to be a gust wind. A wind that will blow her away. When I first met her, it was 1 mth after I transfer to the new school. I saw a petite person looking at my seniors & me playing soccer. During ECA time, she will always be sitting there. Be it alone or with her friends looking at him. When he talks with gals there's jealousy in her eyes. When he looked at her, there's a smile in her eyes. Looking at her became my habit. Just like she likes to look at him.

One day, she didn't appear. I felt something amissed. I can't explain the feeling except it's a kind of uneasiness. The senior was also not there as well. I went to their classroom, hid outside and saw my senior scolding her. Tears were in her eyes while he left. The next day, I saw her at her usual place, looking at him. I walked over and smiled to her. Took out a note & gave to her. She was surprised. She looked at me, smiled & accept the note. The next day, she appeared & pass me a note and left. Leaf's heart is too heavy and wind couldn't blow her away

It's not that leaf heart is too heavy. It because leaf never want to leave tree

I replied her note with this statement and slowly she started to talk to me & accept my presents & phone calls. I know that the person she loves is not me. But I have this perseverance that one day I will make her like me. Within 4 mths, I have declared my love for her no less than 20 times. Every time, she will divert away from the topic. But I never give up. If I decide I want her to be mine, I will definitely use all means to win her over. I can't remember how many times I have declared my love to her. Although I know she will try to divert but I still bear a small ray of hope. Hoping that she will agree to me my girlfriend. I didn't hear any reply from her over the phone. I asked "what are you doing? How come you didn't want to reply?" She said, "I'm nodding my head". "Ah?" I couldn't believe my ears. "I'm nodding my head" She replied loudly. I hang up the phone, quickly changed and took a taxi and rush to her place & press her door bell. During the moment when she opens the door. I hugged her tightly. Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay.

l0ve `n live fer eu__]* 8:26 PM

Sunday, September 12, 2004

A Simple Entry

Stay home the home day.. I suddenly realised how nice izzit to be able to stay at home the whole day.. Seems like I have a very bz wk.. Finally I am able to slp early and woke up late.. nice feeling.. love the feeling of hugging my pillow and lying on my warm bed.. Haha.. I would love to be sleeping beauty once in a while.. *wink wink*

Check my "piggy" bank recently.. found out tt i have been using my money real fast.. Think back awhile.. think i have spent them on food.. haha.. I am such a pig.. can't stop eating.. and I am craving for some food again.. last time is ice cream.. now i dunno whati am craving for.. I juz feel like eating tt's all.. haha.. Seems like i am trying hard to store glycogen as i dun think my body will lack of glucose since i like nv stop feeling hungry.. keke.. =P

Chat with Jun on phone juz now.. always love the time when i chat with her.. all the things tt i wanted to say can juz say out without thinking twice.. I can juz tell her every single thing in my heart.. I love tt feeling.. Mayb is time I create another blog.. A blog of my own.. A blog tt onli opens to mi.. haha.. Anyway.. Jun.. Juz a few words for u.. I dunno wat actually happened.. I know tt u dun feel gd.. but no matter how bad is the prob, it will soon be over as the sun will still come out after a heavy storm.. Am I right?? =) Cheers.. Love ya always..

*Anyone know how to make .wma file smaller in size?? Can teach mi??

l0ve `n live fer eu__]* 9:15 PM

Friday, September 10, 2004

Be Your Own Boss/ Don't Understand Myself

Today is the last day of "Be YOur Own Boss" thingy.. actually it only last for 2 days.. YA.. overall we able to sold all the goods except for one necklace.. So I took it loh.. We are able to make some profits out of it.. but most important is, I enjoyed myself.. Have to thanx my friends(Edward, Guan Tyng, Stephanie, Yan Li) who have bought for me... And of course my dear classmates too.. haha.. Without them, I think I will have plenty of goods in jo & company's house now.. haha.. And also muz thank Yiting for coming back to school today.. Long time din c u le.. Miss u ar.. U looks prettier now(erm.. not means tt last time u not pretty hor).. Muz b tt CS got tk gd care of u rite?? haha.. He better ar.. haha..

Received the news from Dad tt my scholarship applied in NP has been approved.. Yeah.. the burden of my dad paying of sch fees tis year is reduced.. Din really expect tt NP will approve it cos the other one I am being rejected..

Today for mi, should b a very happy day.. but somehow, I feel something is lost.. I think tt i dun understand myself more n more everyday.. am I thinking too much or I dun understand what i wan n what I wanna do.. nvm.. juz leave it until then, then i will c what i can do...

l0ve `n live fer eu__]* 11:14 PM

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Story 22: A Sad Story

It is good story!

A fatal misunderstanding and the person who love me the most in this world is gone forever.

This is a true story, taken from "Family" (dictated by LD, edited by LSX,translated by SaFe).

Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our original intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong asdestiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too late.

Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he istoday.

I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balconyfacing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant some greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and startedspinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets gofetch mother." Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to rest on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to backdown, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joyfeeling.

Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat theflowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it."

Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever I came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and shewould shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come homewith lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much theycost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it.Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it." There begins the frictionto our otherwise happy lifestyle.

Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast. Inyour view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use herchopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest. As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and is exhausted from a long day ofdancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes.

From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon herhelp created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and that resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp ondish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash they again. One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a difficultposition, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignoredme. I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me andsaid: "Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eatingfrom a bowl however unclean it is, right?"

After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house. During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who toplease. In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mothertook on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without anyprompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eatinghis breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed toperform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work.

That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose notto eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears asfeeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed: "LD,just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice butto return to the breakfast table.

The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up mythroat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I couldn't. I threwdown the bowl and rushed into the washroom and vomited everything out. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudlyin her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at mewith fire burning in his eyes. I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really didn't mean it.

We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a finalstare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious, since motherarrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and Isimply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at the low point in my life. Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible, you should go and see a doctor."

The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant. Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through thisbefore, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day? At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been threedays, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look athim and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. Hefollowed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't knowme; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart.

I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I amhaving your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me round in circles ofjoy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears startedrolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of onefight? Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and thedisgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket.

That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing themoney. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit bookand some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me forgood. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave afew dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again. The next day, I didnot go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: "Mr.Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital." I stoodthere in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby,mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face wasexpressionless.

I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen? Throughout the funeral,hubby did say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stareat me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from otherpeople. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed towardthe bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as shetried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...

I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if...In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother.

Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self pity andcould hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are goingto have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.

Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were livingtogether like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knotin his heart.

One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushedher hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from thatmoment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby andstared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything.

The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me, challengingme. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at thebrink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, Iwill collapse together with the baby inside me.

That night, he did not come home, he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other. Hedid not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home fromwork, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned totake some of his stuff.

I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished.

I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physicalexamination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting thebaby, I told them No, I will not. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death.

One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was thispiece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine.As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there.

After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pull e paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper tohim.

"LD, you are pregnant?"

Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, butits ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing eachother. Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could neverreach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me, Ihad originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scares in each other's heart. For me, its unintentional; for him, totally intentional. I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated. Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart.

Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother'sroom. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I keptquiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, hewould then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time; I cared forhim and am concerned because there is love, but now, what is there betweenus?

Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing all the way till baby was born.Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing, but none of that matters to me anymore.

It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brown, throughout thejourney to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me andhurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did?

He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in, his warm eyes caused me to managed a smile at him despite my contraction pain.

Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son, and me, his eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand. Hubbylooked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment.

Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last thislong. I asked the doctor when did he first discover he had cancer? Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral." Idisregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me.

Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for ourson: "Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no long has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion... Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through your life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most..."

From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.

Hubby has also written a letter for me:"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby... My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me... These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging..."Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..." He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang thought the air as tears slowly rolled down my face...

The end...

Remember this, and keep it to your heart.
Love has itsown time, its own seasons,
and its own reason forcoming and going.
You cannot bribe it or coerce it, orreason it into staying.
You can only embrace it when itarrives and give it away when it comes to you..

*After reading tis story, my eyes are wet.. haha.. dunno why also.. really is sad.. hehe.. Am I too emotional?? hehe.. But I feel that sometimes we really have to speak out wat is in our mind.. to prevent unwanted sad things to happen.. Anyway, hope ya like tis story..*

l0ve `n live fer eu__]* 11:54 PM

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

A Mix Feeling

Today i got lots of feelings.. haha.. although is onli for a day.. haha..

This morning, I saw the process of killing the mice.. Omg.. the mice juz struggle under wp's hand.. is so.. hai.. then after tt, they disect the mice.. OMG.. is so disgusting.. can c the organs.. AAA....

Then after school, went to decorate our store.. until around 8.30pm.. wow.. I am tired and hungry.. haha.. but the results are good.. hehe.. nice nice.. hope tt we can sell lots of stuffs.. haha.. so excited.. looking forward for tml.. haha.. I am becoming a boss.. keke..

Now toking to jun on phone.. suddenly i have some thoughts.. What I really wan? What should I do by then? What am I really like?? Why am I like this?? The ans is I dunno.. Diaoz..

Juz now received a phone call from rc.. really feel like killing him.. ask question like wan to fight like tt.. buay tahan.. haha.. but i threaten him.. if he like tt treat mi, i dun help him look after the stores.. haha.. =P

l0ve `n live fer eu__]* 10:31 PM

Monday, September 06, 2004

*YaWn*

Monday is always a tiring day for me whenever it is a 8am lesson.. Ya.. Class started at 8 n i gonna pull myself up from my warm comfortable bed.. Sianz..

Through out the 4 hours lectures, I hold that the 12pm faster come.. haha.. then I can go home n slp slp.. haha.. Dunno why Mr Chang's lesson always seems so long.. He can tok n tok but the time juz passed very very very slowly.. But no matter how, I am able to struggle through his lesson..

After sch, I thought I can go straight home one, but juz nice, I received a phone call from Guan Tyng, ask mi to go clubhouse cos got ppl coming to install the ventilator.. So have to go clubhouse.. Hai.. Actually no nd one loh cos everytime Heng will be in clubhouse.. But he win loh.. tis time round got thingy he not in clubhouse but in pool centre.. argh.. So stayed in clubhouse for abt 2 hours alone.. Lucky GT got liang xin.. haha.. call his dear come n jie jiu mi.. then can come home n slp..

Juz finished my CCTA quiz.. yap.. submitted it the second time.. haha.. aiya.. not much hope for tis quiz cos all the questions are so difficult.. I can't find the ans online.. anyway, juz hope tt the % for tis quiz is very very very little.. keke..

Received a phone call from cz today when I am in clubhouse.. too bad.. he din managed to pass the test.. but nvm.. I am sure tt next time you sure can pass one.. Jia You wor!!

l0ve `n live fer eu__]* 4:33 PM

Saturday, September 04, 2004

Memory

What is memory?? I suddenly feel like asking the question.. Can a ppl really erase the "sad" n "bad" memories and juz keep the "happy" memories with us? Mayb some "happy" memories may turn out to b "sad" when time passes..

I found out tt actually "happy" memories can also make a ppl cry.. and the feeling is even more saddening then those "sad" memories.. After reading my frenz blog, i really feel like crying for her.. I dunno y.. Those "happy" times of the past seems to b like a sad thing for her now.. Hoping to go back to the past, but tt would b impossible cos everything is changing and some things have been changed.. If time really can stop, I think everyone will hope tt it stay at the happiest time.. Me too..

What about the present? The happy time tt we are having now.. One day, will it becomes the part of our "sad" memories?

l0ve `n live fer eu__]* 3:50 PM

Finally, as i have prayed for such a long time, my piano practical exam is over.. It doesn't seems to turn out well as I have repeat some of the scales and some slips here n there for ALL 3 pieces.. As for the sight reading, it isn't nice too.. As for the aural, is slightly better lah..

Compared to my grade 4 exam, the situation is much better as i did not panicked so much.. I am happy with myself as i managed to cool myself down alittle.. although not much but at least i am successful to a certain extend.. haha.. So when I am out of the room, I am not sure whether I am sad or happy.. Sad is because if the examiner is not kind enough, I will fail the exam.. Happy because it is finally over.. haha..

Went back to sch after tt for lessons and guitar practices.. Actually dun really have the mood to practice tonite.. also dunno y.. juz feel tt something is missing.. haha.. mayb not used to not touching the piano when i go into music room.. haha.. Actually yesterday I told myself tt tonite i will have all my time playing guitar, but somehow dun feel like doing it.. haha.. I also learnt violin from HC today.. haha.. wow.. violin is tough.. hands' muscle so pain.. haha.. but gd gd.. muz try again when I have time..

Yeah!! My test is over.. someone's test is coming on the way.. haha.. Is my turn to say JIA YOU!! GOOD LUCK!!

l0ve `n live fer eu__]* 1:17 AM

.March
.10 March
.NP
.ilikehamster85@hotmail.com
. days more to 22 years old

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