Two and a half years later

So I gave up blogging for two and a half years. I've been documenting our life through Chatbooks. It's so easy and I love it. However, the majority of what I post to my Chatbooks is surface, superficial stuff. What we're up to, funny things the kids did /said, milestones, that sort of thing. So yes, it does serve as a journal in some ways, but I don't write lengthy posts that talk about feelings and deeper, more vulnerable things. Tonight I'm feeling like doing that, so I figured it was a good time to start blogging again.

In T minus 2 weeks, Mila will start kindergarten. Today we chopped off ten inches of her hair. It was hard for me to let go of those luscious locks, but it needed to be done and seeing her new shoulder length look made me forget all about the sadness that I felt before. However, I was grumpy for most of the day after that. I blame it on my kids bugging me and didn't analyze it further. At one point after the kids were in bed, I realized something was brewing in my brain and told Marcelo, "I'm feeling too many emotions." Another hour after that, I said, "ughhhh I'm so down!" And then proceeded to burst into tears. Somehow my sweet husband knew exactly what it was about, almost before I did. He hugged me and told me that the new phase of life I'm entering is going to be great and that I'll get to do all these things I haven't been able to do for years and blah blah blah. I just thought, yes, but it's the end of an Era!!!! Something about getting Mila a drastic back to school cut today just made me think....it's over. How is this phase of life over? When I told him that I can't help but look back at all the regrets, he said, "The past is in the past. Bonk on your head. Lion King." 😂  He's great at pep talks.

But for real. I can't help but look back and kick myself for not doing things differently. Slowing down. Enjoying it more. I'm glad I can say that this last year with Mila was full of special time with just the two of us. I enjoyed her so much. But all the time before that is such a blur. I guess that's normal for moms of young kids. You're in survival mode for so long, just getting through the day. You're physically and emotionally tired all the time, you're busy busy busy, and it just flies by. Add to that the fact that I suffered from anxiety and depression after I had Mila, and I basically don't remember about 18 months of my life.

And now she's going to kindergarten. And I'll be home alone all day. Part of me wants to do a happy dance for all the peace and quiet I'll have. Part of me is so motivated to get my house in order and carve out time to workout, read scriptures, meal plan and do everything I've never felt like I had the time, energy, or motivation to do. But a big part of me just wants to rewind time and have a do over. Squeeze those babies for longer. Enjoy their sweet voices and their funny stories. All of that sounds so much better than dealing with sex-ed, deciding what to do about middle school, comforting tender hearts that are dealing with mean kids, tutoring frustrated minds, and everything else this school year will bring. NO. I DON'T WANT TO.

But I have to. And I'm sure at some point I'll look back on this time the same way I'm looking at these past 11 years.

"It's the ciiiiiiiiiircle of liiiiiiiife."

A Year of Joy

One of my goals for this year is to document 365 days of joy. Every day I post a photo on instagram of something that brought me joy that day. I include a caption and the hash tag #ayearofjoy2015. I probably annoy the crap out of my friends posing this stuff,  but they're going to have to deal with it. At the end of the year, Chatbooks will print all 365 pages for $40. Worth it.

Today, on the 21st day of doing this, I was really struggling to find the joy. I kept asking myself all day, "What could I possibly post about today?" The kids bickered and fought all afternoon. I had to nag and nag to get them to listen to me. There were messes everywhere. So like a genius, I decided to go all out and make an elaborate dinner that took 2 hours to make and then it came out of the oven tasting like vinegar (sweet and sour chicken from pinterest) right when it was time to eat so I had to scramble and be creative to figure out how to save it. (Eliana ended up loving the "saved" version so it was a victory.) On top of that,  the last several clients I've given photos to have barely even said thank you and have been so nonverbal about how they feel about their photos that I can only assume they hated them. That's such a crappy feeling when I spend HOURS editing (time away from my family or household duties), swapping heads so we get the best smiles in one pic, smoothing everyone's skin just to be nice so they feel better about their appearance, even making them appear thinner. After many recent experiences of not hearing back from clients after they downloaded their photos, I was feeling very frustrated today. (Clearly, since I just spent a paragraph venting about it.) All of that added together left me super crabby and not fun to be around. Finally, just before bedtime, we gathered around Marcelo in the living room to do some family scripture reading. I suddenly felt so dumb and bratty for being such a grump. I looked at all the kids listening to Marcelo read and I just thought, "Here's my joy." I'm way too blessed to be whining about such insignificant stuff. What I wrote on my instagram caption was "I love my family. I love God. Everything else is nowhere near as bad as I sometimes let my brain make it seem." I love that this little project of mine is helping me focus on the good. There is so so so much good.

December Fun - Part 2

My brothers came to visit this year and we had two days together as a complete family (minus Nunzio). It was SO great. We hadn't all been together like that in 3 years.

David, Kelly, and Bailey came first. The girls had so much fun spending time together. Eliana couldn't stop hugging Bailey.

On our little outing to a local gym, I discovered that I can still hula like it's my job. I won a hula hooping contest my senior year. Yeah...I still got it. hahahahaha but I look absolutely ridiculous doing it.

Does Diego hold his 2 year old sister's hand when we go out? No. But his 2 year old cousin? Yes.

COUSINS. Miss this girl so much already! Why can't we be filthy rich and get to see each other one weekend a month at the very least?

Park fun.

We got together with some extended family before Sergio and Sarah left. Cousin table!

A little Downtown Disney time.

And we took advantage and did family pictures. These are the only ones I've edited so far. I'll post more when I've got them finished. But I love these two!!!

Looooved having my family all together. <3 <3 <3

December Fun - Part 1

The weekend after Thanksgiving we went to our community's annual light parade. It was just as fun as last year. Mila loved the glasses and didn't want to take them off. 

This is our house when viewed through the 3D glasses.

We went to Bass Pro Shop so the kids could see Santa and do the activities they have there. Sadly, our free picture from Santa got ruined in the car, but at least I have this one I took with my phone!

We celebrated Marcelo's 34th birthday with lasagna (dang good if I do say so myself) and apple pie a la mode. Two of his favorite things.

Christopher, our elf, showed up for more elf silliness this year. He asked us to take him "light seeing" one night and he hung on the mirror to look at all the lights. 

Playing soccer with the snowmen. Celo asked me a big question about the elf this year. He asked me to answer honestly, so I did. I think he and I both regretted that decision. But he's having fun with it nonetheless!

Decorating the girls' dollhouse.

 Taking family photos:

And this deserves a whole post of it's own, but I'll include it here. MARCELO GRADUATED!!!! 

 After years and years of slowly taking classes to finish his AS in Electrical Engineering, he went on to spend another couple of years slowly taking classes to finish his BA in Business Administration. His school was two hours away, so one night a week (sometimes weekly, sometimes every other week), he would leave work early to drive to school. Two hours there. Two hours back. Long long days for my poor guy. He spent countless nights up studying or taking tests online. There was the constant stress of schoolwork hanging over him. I'm SO SO HAPPY that is all over. For now. Whether or not his school journey is over is yet to be determined. There are talks of getting a master's. But for now, we'll enjoy the break from school and having him home more! So very proud of this amazing guy and so blessed to be his wife.

Photoshoot with my Kids

The first week of December, I decided to take my kids out to do a little photoshoot for our Christmas cards. (Please don't be offended if you didn't get one. 1) I have a TON of family. 2) I lost a bunch of the cards I ordered. Pretty sure they fell out of my car. Oh well.)

I went into it hoping to get ONE good shot of all the kids looking at me smiling. But it quickly turned into them just being silly for the camera and Mila not wanting to follow directions AT ALL. It was hilarious and exactly what our lives are like right now, so I didn't fight it. :) 

Yup. This is Eliana in all her Eliana glory.

They're cracking up at Mila wanting to lift up her skirt and show me her diaper.

Woo hoo! They're still and they're smiling!

Mila had no intention of holding her sister's hand.

Crazy Camila jumping around.

A game of ring around the rosy started by Mila.

I told Eliana to hug Diego and Camila to hug Celo. She hugged his leg. 

Group hug!

Some close ups of these cute kiddos of mine. 

Decorating the Tree

Decorated the tree as a family like we do every year. The things the kids said they were grateful for this year were a mix of thoughtful (doctors and nurses who took care of us when we were sick) and funny (google). We are blessed with amazing kids.

I can't explain why Marcelo decided to wear swimwear for this tradition. He just did. Laundry day? I don't know.

Everyone got a turn to put up the star.

We're starting a new tradition this year called 25 Days of Christ. (info at 25daysofchrist.com) We also did the wrapped books under the tree and will be reading a Christmas story each night. Christmas traditions always make it feel like such a special time. :) Love these kids!