There is a pain in my heart, a pain which I did not know how to handle.

I find that my brother is more socialable than before and would start initiating conversation with others. I guess this was the change brought about by the national service.

I was very excited over the investigative work to verify the relationship between 2 employees in a company. It was really interesting to be involved in such investigative work. I am enjoying everything that I am doing in this company. I’ll be happy if this company will continue for many more years. But I also hope that my pay can increase.

I sent a message to Yuming to tell her that I have given thoughts to her words. I told her that I could never have ignored her calls and hope that she would not mistaken me. She replied that she will still treat me has a good friend and she asked me out in the afternoon.

I feel a sense of responsibilities to be close with my cousin, aunties and uncles. Sometimes, I wanted some quite moments for myself, but being with people is something high on my agenda. In life, I believe we should built good relationship with people around us, but it should be quality relationships.

Finally had a chance to meet Yuming, she did not show up for some of the invitation and our various appointment did not actualize. It seems like our friendship has distant. She keeps sending messages throughout the whole evening and we did not share anything in details. I was too quick to agree to go pub together but later remembers that I have promise myself to take good care of my physical needs. Our meeting was short and abrupt, her focus was on elsewhere. Hope this will not happen again.

I am experiencing blackout in my office today and I came to realize how good light is. I’m always afraid of dark and would sleep with my lights on. It is really terrible for me to stay alone in a dark office. I called for rescue but help came only 2 hours after. In the meantime, I would hardly do anything but just sit and wait. The torch light that I have was too dim for me to even read a book. I just realize how much I love light. Please never let me go into darkness again.

‘Live life out of imagination’

From now onwards, I’ll set a target to do things today. Whatever I can think of, I will be it right away. I guess that’s what highly effective people do.

Even the horoscope says that I should take things one step at a time and focus on the task immediately in front of me, and the big picture will takes shape soon.

First Cousins Sisters Outing to Minds Cafe








































































































Special Guest:

There is a phone call from the accountant revealing that I might have to do the book-keeping record for my three companies’ finances. It seems like I am going to get very busy again. This can be an opportunity for me to learn more on the accounting work and add some scores to my future job applications.

I feel loved my family, friends and especially my boyfriend.

Rants: I rather not heard the promises being made to me, so that I won’t feel upset. A few empty promises at a go would bring me a little disappointment. I’m just like a baby whom expectation will be heightens when someone has given me their words.

I’m officially 23 years old now. At this age, I am still wondering between the real-life and the fairy-tale wonderland. Some people sees me as silly, innocent or ‘pure’ but those who knows me well knows that I am conscious of what was happening around but opt to look at things at a much simpler ways. I would normally share my feelings openly with others and choose to absorb the most delightful explanation.

Sometimes, I can shut off from the real world and play soft-toys with my brother (it’s almost a part of my daily routine). I actually role-play the characters of real people into the stuffed animals. That’s my signature behavior.

At this stage, I will only choose to befriend with those who treats me well. I will spend more time with them (which is a delicate balance that I have to maintain).

In this birthday, my resolution was to:
#1 - Reply all sms and mails sent to me
#2 - Improve on my language skills
#3 - Obtain my degree
#4 - Keep my things clean and tidy
#5 - Move into music grade 2
#6 - Bringing happiness to the people around me

In addition, the things that I will work toward achieving are:
#1 - Bringing my family for an overseas trip
#2 - More outing and celebrations with my family

Hope that seeing my thoughts could enhance my determination to make the above-mention resolutions and goals fulfilled.

Flowers from boy meow



















I almost fainted on the spot when i saw this big boutique of flowers attention to my name. I tried to count the no. of flowers but it's a tough mission. I think there are 18 flowers altogether (6 roses, 3 african daisy with 9 other flowers i duno the names and the rest i'm not sure if it should be considered flowers or leaves).



















Looks like a lot of present this year. Actually is the thoughts that counts. I really can see the effort of Victor and Joel in preparing my birthday present. Victor has went around many places to look for 'Tidbits' and surprises me with a boutique of flowers on top of the Nintendo DS and Sonic game (which is a reminisinic of my childhood days). Joel has also been searching for the necklace and teddy for me. Very touched that she came around my office during lunch on my birthday. I am very surprise to receive gifts from Aunty Karin and Aunty Eunice. Minghui has got my specially requested Blackforest Cake (it has became a tradition). It's really nice to spend my birthday evening with my mother, my younger brother and Victor at Swensens. Our relationship has grew stronger.

I must always be nice to them...

Hooray.. I was given extra leave as my bosses will be away for holiday. Although I do not have any annual dinner or bonus, the extra time off is sufficient to compensate me. Anyway, I prefer extra time off as I always do not have enough time for my studies. Cheers.

I brought the baby Sylvanian set for my little cousin who birthday is coming. She had given me a hand-made artwork as my birthday present and when I ask her what she wants, she asked for a surprise. She had always asked for Barbie dolls which I supposed her mother will buy for her. Hello Kitty cannot talk so that makes Sylvanian Families the most suitable present, but it is the most expensive ones. The birthday and Christmas gifts altogether is a big bag of present. There are so many toys given to her on the same day to a certain extend that the other cousins are getting a bit jealous. It’s my mistake and I realized it’s a wrong to dote a child this way. The quantity is wrong and I have to be educated on equality. To salvage the situation, it is better for me to prepare presents for all my other younger cousins during their birthdays.

It is rather scary watching young children snatching toys and pushing me to be the judge of fairness for them.

It is impossible to attain a balanced life, the most helpful paradigm for an ideal life is a balanced heart. A well-ordered heart loves the right thing, to the right degree, in the right way, with the right kind of love.

~ "The Life You've Always Wanted", John Ortberg

My boss was brilliant. I was worried to death when the travel agent told me that she couldn’t get a return flight on 30^th Dec for the Sydney trip. There is an economy ticket to go Sydney, but we have to waitlist on the return ticket. There are zillion of people rushing back to Singapore from end-dec to mid-jan and the chances of getting an economy return ticket are slim.

- If we opt for the business class ticket would means another $3,000. Not only that, the situation would go reverse and this time there is no business ticket to go Sydney (no one would pay for a business class ticket and travel on an economy seat).

- If we want to go for an upgrade our return flight to business class using frequent flyer miles (meaning no additional payment for traveling back on business class), that would requires a confirmed economy return ticket.

The travel agent advice we to buy a two-way business ticket because it will guarantee us the seats and it would be cheaper than purchasing the individual one way economy ticket and one way business class ticket. According to her, there are only 50 percent chances that our waitlist economy ticket would turn into a confirmed seat. We are struck in a difficult situation and I am sure that my boss wouldn’t want to pay the additional. While we are in a dilemma of the flight arrangement, my boss dazzlingly asked me to get any confirm seat on other dates of return and turn it into a business class ticket back on 30^th December.

I am just a silly donkey who always made my mother jealous.

1) I was out with friends on the night of her birthday (I have pre-celebrated my mother’s birthday and hadn’t seen this group of friends who I would hardly get a chance to gather).

2) I told her how I have celebrate my aunt birthday by buying a cake want waiting for her to get back home at 10.30pm to cut the cake.

Although my mother did not mention anything, unlike in the past that she would make a few comparison and grumbles a bit, but I still feels guilty within. To conceal my guilt feeling, I decided to get an eye rejuvenator and an electric foot reflexology to pacific her silent-yet-unbalanced feeling (my assumption and not true). My hearts hurt a bit about the money, but to think of the benefits of making my mother happy and maintain health at the same quite. It’s worth it.

I prayed everyday that prosperity will come to my bosses. It has been a part of my daily routine, along with prayers for health and safety (although Joel says that I should pray for them to use money wisely). It has been more than four months and I suddenly realized that the prayers came true. My bosses are now not only rich, but super rich. This was really an unexpected blessing. The problem is that I hadn’t pray for my job and the office, which I shall do it now. One of my boss secretly mentioned to me that the office rental will expire on next year April, which his will discontinue the office rent. He says that he doesn’t see value in the office, but he sees value in me. He would offer me a job at his home. I hope that the other partner will keep the office or I will leave.

My boss is always too kind. He reveals to me his plan without worrying that I might run. He has already lost one of the tenants due to similar reasons. Knowing the plans in advance was to my benefits, I am very happy but I would still think that my boss should be careful about the content his is going to tell others. Some information is good to keep confidential till the appropriate time to reveal.

It's really great being born in december. Because of this, december is my favorite month. I love the fact that I have no school and sometimes, no work on my birthday.

Heard from TV that a dog loves others more than itself. Feels like getting a doggie and shower it with love.

I feel as if I just returned from the mountain (“sua ku” came out at last). For the whole of two weeks, I feel like I have withdrawn from society to study for my exams. I keep waking up in the middle of the night to study. There are just so many revisions to do. The project is taking up a lot of my time and I feel the task is extremely tedious especially when I am sick and having my periods. Mission accomplished at last and the feeling of satisfaction runs over me. Feel like popping champagne and celebrate, I want to eat a feast and sing out loud but I can do nothing now. All for that stupid sore throat and cold, I couldn’t even join my classmates to ktv.

It’s really a mix-up conversation that Kaijing that thought I’m bringing my boyfriend along to her wedding dinner. There are only six girls at a 10-person table (Not to mention that the food portion was extremely large and it’s a dinner of more than 10 courses). The girl beside me asked the waitress what she would do with the left-over, when she was told that they were all to be thrown into the bin, she asked if she could have them packed. The answer was positive and she immediately popped another question, whether we can have all the dishes packed. The waitress was taken aback but agreed to do as per request. I feel embarrassed because the “tak pao” food containers with white plastic bags are all sitting next to me on top of the table. When the bride and groom are approaching us for photo-taking, I hid the packed food under the table. I don’t think the family of the host would expect us to ask for take-away.

Xueli's Birthday

Gal.meow.ma Birthday at Grand Court

Wang Lee Hom Heroes Of Earth World Tour 2006

We are blessed with two tickets to the concert by Victor’s brother-in-law. I am really amazed at the improvement Lee Hom has over the past few years. He had sung many good songs, though I still think that only the main few hits in each album are nice. He is very talented in music and is very good in electric guitar, drums. Clad in white suite, he played the grand piano and violin like a romantic prince in the love tales. The whole concert was full of surprises, not only he had danced and rap, sings and play music, he also attempts to present us a tune using the erhu. A great way to go.

Wang Lee Hom Heroes Of Earth World Tour 2006

We are blessed with two tickets to the concert by Victor’s brother-in-law. I am really amazed at the improvement Lee Hom has over the past few years. He had sung many good songs, though I still think that only the main few hits in each album are nice. He is very talented in music and is very good in electric guitar, drums. Clad in white suite, he played the grand piano and violin like a romantic prince in the love tales. The whole concert was full of surprises, not only he had danced and rap, sings and play music, he also attempts to present us a tune using the erhu. A great way to go.

王力宏 is so talented and we are so amazed at his performances.

I am working hard to find a better job

I have got responses from two companies at the same time. One was like a perfect match for me; I like the employer and the job scope, though the distance and time poses a great challenge for me. The other was multi-national financial corporation that would give me a greater prospect in my career.

I was being offered the first job shortly after the first interview, and the recruiter says that they liked me a lot. I rejected the offer saying that I do have concerns on the working hours, as I will be graduating in half a year time and will not be able to work overtime.

I was very tempted when they mentioned that there are yearly pay increment and frequent training courses. It was a great offer but I am not sure if I will be able to continue my studies if my evening and weekends were to be spent in the office.

I will have to reaffirm myself that this is a cost-opportunity decision I must make, by giving up this offer, I can get a chance to get into a large organization with a better career prospects.

There are always a few unproductive days each month. I felt so ill that I could barely move. All I can remember was that I have been stoning throughout each day, and was dragging myself to do work. I feel so upset each time this happens, but soon after I will become well and feel like human again.

My weak spot was getting too involved in things that I shouldn’t be worrying about. More often than not, my meddling does not change the outcome. Although I knew it well, but I always felt it as a duty to doing something to alleviate the potential problem.

Recently, the company business was not doing well, we are facing financial problems. I hope that my bosses will be able to tide over this period, recover and prosper soon.

Although I was told that I should save myself before thinking of how to save the others, I would not be upset if a merger or acquisition is the best available options to solve the problem.

My boss has developed a training course for the undisclosed Company. The undisclosed Company has approached my boss for the training course and when proposed, they asked to change it to train-the trainer course for undisclosed number of course runs. After conducted a few course runs, the undisclosed Company calls for a pause in lesson plan. The undisclosed Company used my boss to teach their trainers and can their trainers continue to teach the rest of their staff.

What should be do,
1) Can we claim for intellectual property rights?
2) Should we not give them a copy of the powerpoint slides and course notes
3) Should starting licensing and only certified trainers can get to train the others, come up with refreshing course and practicing fees?
4) State that it is unfair and insisted that they should continue with the lesson plan, if not, asked for a compensation for the business loss, because my boss has reserved the dates for teaching and had postpone other appointments.
The problem is, we have not patented or license the course materials yet, but my boss is the originator of these information properties.

Horoscope says that I should not think of my ego, but should instead focus on getting things done. I find that quite useful because when I pay no attention to my own feelings, I fully concentrate on the work can thus produces better results. It is time to start transforming all criticism into constructive recommendation.

I am very proud of my father, this is an extract from the Comfort website:

January 2002

Honesty Earns Cabby Taxi Driver of the Month Award47-year-old Cabby Toh Thiam Huat, a believer that honesty is the best policy, returned $2,000 cash belonging to passenger Madam Wong, whom he picked up on 26 December 2001.Madam Wong's purse had slipped from her hand and onto the rear seat when she alighted. When she realised her loss, she called Comfort's Lost & Found Department. Responding to a general broadcast on the lost purse, Cabby Toh checked the taxi's rear seat and found it. He immediately called Madam Wong to announce his find and arranged for its return.Cabby Toh was surprised to win the award. "I did not expect Madam Wong to commend me. When I found the purse, my first priority was to allay Madam Wong's fears, so I called her to assure her. My next concern was to bring the purse back to its rightful owner. I am only doing my job," he said.

Shining Star

Comfort Star Drivers

My father is one of the Comfort’s shining stars whose professionalism and excellent service attitude have earned them praises from commuters.

Cabby Toh Thiam HuatHonesty is his best policy. For returning a wallet containing $2,000, which had slipped out of the passenger’s pocket, Comfort Cabby Toh Thiam Huat was awarded the Taxi Driver of the Month Award for January 2002. His honesty and service-oriented mindset touched the passenger, Madam Wong. She said: “It meant so much to me that Cabby Toh took the trouble to drive all the way to return my wallet. I am truly grateful.”

Media Releases

5 February 2002
Honesty Earns Cabby Taxi Driver Of The Month AwardIn a recession like this, one might be tempted to keep expensive top-of-the-line gadgets such as handphones, palm tops as well as money one chanced upon. After all, it is a finder's-keepers world out there. But not so with 47-year-old Cabby Toh Thiam Huat, a believer that honesty is the best policy.

He has had, in the last three years, picked up and returned items including a gift package, a handphone and a palm top to Comfort's Lost and Found Department. His last find was $2,000 belonging to passenger Madam Wong, whom he picked up on 26 December 2001.

On that day, Madam Wong and her friend boarded Cabby Toh's taxi from Jurong at 4.50pm. Hands full with documents, Madam Wong did not realise her purse had slipped from her hand and onto the rear seat when she alighted. It was only after Cabby Toh had left did she discover her loss. In her purse was about $2,000 cash. Panic-stricken, she immediately called Comfort's Lost & Found Department.

Responding to a general broadcast on the lost purse, Cabby Toh checked the taxi's rear seat and found it. He immediately called Madam Wong to announce his find and arranged for its return. True to his word, Cabby Toh arrived in 20 minutes and returned the purse to a relieved Madam Wong. Two days later, Madam Wong called Comfort Transportation to commend him.

When told that his honest act had earned him the title, Taxi Driver of the Month (January 2002), the first to be given out this year, Cabby Toh was surprised. He said modestly, " I did not expect Madam Wong to commend me. When I found the purse, my first priority was to allay Madam Wong's fears, so I called her to assure her. My next concern was to bring the purse back to its rightful owner. I am only doing my job."

Madam Wong was delighted to hear that her commendation had led to Cabby Toh's award. She said, " It had meant so much to me that Cabby Toh drove all the way to return the money. I am glad he is awarded for his honesty."

Comfort Transportation's Executive Director, Mr Yang Ban Seng, who gave away the Taxi Driver of the Month Award to Cabby Toh at a ceremony this morning said, " Our cabbies return an average of about 700 found items to our Lost & Found Department every month. Every item, regardless of value, is dear to the owner who retrieves it. I am extremely proud that our cabbies, such as Cabby Toh, have been faithfully returning found items. By recognising this act, we hope to encourage our drivers to uphold the integrity of this profession."

I believe that it’s good to keep a life diary of my father, I am adding to the list of things to keep in memory.

My father really dotes on us.

I admired my father’s braveness in facing the condition. He is willing to go through all the treatment without complaining the pain. He reveals to me once that his condition is quite serious, but I keep assure him that the medicinal is advance now; the doctors would always exaggerate things to scare people. Throughout the treatments, he has always endures the pain and he never tells.

In the healing session, my father says that he is not afraid of being sick, not afraid to die, he does not hate anyone, as he does nothing to offend people and would let anyone bully him. The only worry he has is for his family, as he is afraid that he couldn’t be able to take care of us.

My father believed that kids life should be free of worries. He wanted his children to live a life only filled with happiness. My father would always smile before us and even when we says things that make him feels hurt, he never take the words to his hearts.

My father would always makes us smile:
- When my mother speaks loudly with a handphone, for fear that the other party could not hear her. My father just shrug and wonder how it would happen, as it has never occurs to the people in the past.

- My father always thinks that things made in Japan are the best. There was once I saw a cockroach on his taxi, he again, ask how it could have happen, and commented that that cockroach is made in Japan.

- My father asked my brother and I whether we are keen in learning kungfu and he is going to teach us a few stances. After sometimes, he says he was just kidding.

My father’s calligraphy is better than me, although I have learnt the writing skills since primary school, my father still writes nicer. His chinese chess is also better than mine, He can always see through my strategy and tells my mother how to breakthrough and defense.

My father will always send me to school, to work and back home from all places. He used to bring me back from my swimming lesson. Every time when I am staying out late, he would pick me and my friends back home. He would patiently waited for my events to end, no matter how late it is.

My father used to bring us to pizza hut, to watch ninja turtle, buy us many toys and games for us when we are young. We used to go swimming and cycling very frequently. I would always make a lot of noise and plead him to bring me to these places.

When we are really young, my father would always sniff us and scratch our back.

My father always works long hours, no matter how tired he is, to make sure that we have enough money to spend.

My father has done all the maintenance for the house. He would routinely wipe the fan, oil the door rim, and polish the bronze display.

He painted the wall and the door as a memory for us.

My father is good at technical stuff; he used to buy lots of speakers and sound system. After we moved to a new house, he started learning about computer. From someone who knows nothing about computer, he learnt how to build up a computer long before the knowledge is common. He has overcome the English language difficulties and learnt all the technical problems.

Only when we flip open my father’s report book, we find that my father actually did very well for all his examinations. I believe my father is someone who put in full concentration in everything he does, be it in driving, in the sound system or in computer.

He is an honest taxi driver who would return everything he found. I remember that was once he shows us handheld. Technical gadget hasn’t gain wide popularity then.

My father would always rush to us when we call him. To the extent that he would buy food back for us with just a call. He does it for me, for my brother, for his younger sister and his father.

No matter how late it is, my father would always wait for me to bring me home. I would conveniently asked my friends to go back with me, and my father would send each of them home before he calls it a day off.

Back home, he would always clean the floor; it’s a daily routine for him to clean the floor twice a day. I am surprised that my father can always sense when we had visitors during the day.

I really enjoy the time when we had breakfast together every morning. He always worries that I did not eat enough breakfast and food for the day.

My father knows that I like grapes and he would always buy a lot for me. Even when my father is sick, he would still buy mango and rock melon for me, and pick me from work.

You hardly can find someone who will buy you everything you like, just to make you happy.

My father likes dogs and fishes. He loves children.

I liked the way he smiles, in the deep blue shirt.

You need not have to tell darkness how dark the darkness is, because it is precisely the darkness is in the dark not to know the light.

Instead of telling darkness how dark the darkness is, show them the light; let them know how nice the brightness can be.

I was amazed when I found out that University of Bradford is ranked before NUS in the Financial Times - Top100 University

My lecturer says that although Singaporean employers tend to favor local university more, an overseas employer and the rest of the world will definitely value our degree.

The degree that we are getting is equivalent to the UK Bradford Degree, because the honor classes is compute and compared against all 3 campus – UK, Germany and Singapore.

Good news. This means that this degree is worth having and worth working for.

This is what happens when two sagittarius business partners hires a sagittarius secretary:



Coworker Compatibility

Provided by Astrology.com

Sagittarius & Sagittarius


When two Sagittarians work together, they form a brilliant union of truth seeking travelers. This duo takes on the world through educated lenses and shares the quest for new knowledge. They enjoy pleasant conversation and banter that challenges and entertains the mind. Philosophy, concentration and an occasional hotheaded dispute characterize the Sagittarius-Sagittarius partnership.

Easygoing and independent, these coworkers are compatible when it comes to balancing personal interests. Jealousy is not an issue, as each partner has personal projects that they pursue in their free time. When they are together, however, they make the most of their time. Flexible and modern, they can, at times, lose their temper. However, it is not in the Archer's nature to hold a grudge or feel the effects of long-term disagreements.

Sagittarius is ruled by the Planet Jupiter. Expansion is the key word here; as both partners enjoy the acquisition of knowledge, they will also enjoy adding new and exiting ideas to their association. They must be wary of indulging in too much excess, as such gluttony will only slow them down. Their mutual charm and wit makes them a very pleasant team not only to one another, but they will be the first on everyone's memo list.

Sagittarius is a Fire Sign. Two Fire Signs together merge to build a taller flame. They constantly reach out and experience life. Outgoing and friendly, it is the disease of the Sagittarean psyche to speak before thinking, thus finding them self in awkward social situations at times. The two love to begin new projects, but neither have the tenacity to keep them going and they both lose interest equally quickly. Both are eager to move ahead to the next new thing.

Sagittarius is a Mutable Sign. The outgoing, exciting Sagi is incredibly easy to get along with, for the most part. Arguments rarely result between them. Both are only too happy to accommodate their team member. Every so often a stubborn thorn will pop up, but neither partner dwells on this subject and the matter is quickly forgotten.

The best aspect of the Sagittarius-Sagittarius alliance is their enviable compatibility and their shared interest in a quest for knowledge. This pair has found the perfect balance between devoted respect and giving each other adequate space. Together, this team will explore the world.

Dear Heavenly Father, we pray for my father to have your blessing, and make him be well again. Please give him the strength in body, courage in spirit, and patience in pain.

You say that we don’t have to worry about everyday life – about the health and financial problems. Even the birds in the sky and the lilies on the grounds have your wonderful care; more so for humans.

You have healed many people who had every kind of sickness and disease. We hope you can bestow your blessing upon our family. For the condition is the purpose to bind our family even closer. Lord, we thank you for Your love. Amen.

I have recently received a sms, with the message saying that ‘If we do not have to capacity to accept God, God also do not have the capacity to help us’. I couldn’t understand why this message would be spread around. Isn’t Christians preaching on unconditional love? Why would someone want to start equalizing the giving?

My ignorance has been cognize by the use of the analogy of the capacity in the cup and the capacity in our hearts. By holding onto a filled cup, we do not have the capacity to accept water from others. This explanation may well fit the intended meaning of the message. Minghui is really talented in language and can always make them simple.

Maybe we should think in another perspective, all of us meant well but we show our love in different ways. What matters most is the hearts that counts

Why are there so many hazards at home?

1. The air pollutants from the paints are so difficult to disperse. It’s carcinogenic and bad for lungs.
(Shouldn’t we weigh health over privacy; a stroll is better than cooping at home; isn’t it fair when my mother can meet her friend while she grounded my father)

2. Chemo is causing diarrhea and patient should not eat high fiber food; my mother is feeding him the high-fiber grains.
(The duno what source aunties myth says that diarrhea can flush off harmful bacteria; Arrgh,, diarrhea will seriously reduce body fluid for proper functionality)

3. Supplement and medicine should be taken with care.
(Supplement can give us health support by giving us all the nutrients we need. Should following the schedule closely, and those are definitely not after meals dessert. Chinese medicine should not be taken without doctor’s instruction; we wouldn’t know how those medicines would react with the body)

4. Who brought those chicken wings? Fried food should be avoided
(It’s carcinogenic and will cause indigestion)

It’s all screaming in my head. Meoww.. Its not that I am over-reacted, but isn’t those common sense?

If its not that the focus is on my father and how he would feels, I would be very strong on my views. I hate it when my mother and brother complaint that they are stressed, my father must be under a lot of pressure. I know that there are many things in his mind that he wanted to do for the family. I really admire his courage. He always presents to us a very strong, brave and cheery personality. He always has the strength to endure long days and even when he is in pain or feels hurt, he never tells. I never had that kind of courage. I am as weak as if i'm made of water. I must be like him.

I’m feeling very imbalanced. My mother is too pessimistic to take care of my father. We have to keep his spirit up and yet she isn’t sensitive enough with the words.

There ventilation at home is really poor. The smells of the paint persist for weeks. There is so much conflict over me and my mother. She didn’t realize that the chemicals in paints are carcinogenic and can be very damaging. Because of privacy issue, she stills keep the windows half-close. I rather she allows him go for a walk; at least there is fresher air outside.

It’s really atrocious when she complains that she is getting fatter because my father isn’t eating all the food she cooks. Why does she want to cook so much, why didn’t she put total nutrition for my father in the first place? I have already told her that my father’s ability to absorb nutrition is poor and it’s important to eat supplement, and yet, she still cooks so much food and wanted him to eat them, saying that if he didn’t have the appetite for food, where could there be space for the supplement. If that was true, why would people want to create supplement.

If my mother doesn’t start working, she will get weirder by the days, she will be louder and less open to ideas. I really don’t know what’s in her mind. She says that I didn’t help the family at all, while she rejects all the suggestion that I told her. I have already given half of all my salary, and put my school fees at risk. Shouldn’t she try to help out also? Watching tv at home isn’t helpful.

There are many saying to cancer cells. Some says that they are present in all of our body, but is either in dormant form or has been removed by our body automatically. There are others who say that there is a genetic link between these cells. Nevertheless, early prevent is never redundant. I have started taking antioxidant to build up my immune system. We will break this cancer chain with appropriate actions.

Whenever I see my mother sitting at the sofa watching television. I got very angry. To me, there is no reason for her not to work. What makes me even madder is the moment she turns away when she saw that I got scalded by my cup of hot coffee. I had to clean up the mess by myself and apply the medicine on my thighs, with her purposely face another direction. I wouldn't believe she didn’t realize that I had spilled the coffee over myself, especially with the loud noise. I couldn’t talk to her anymore. There is nothing else I can say.

Knowingly that we might be able to claim some funds from the insurance company, my secret dreams of continuing my studies came alive. It all depends on the situation, but we have a hope. If the amount of money can last my father for another 4 years, there wouldn’t be any worries, as me and my brother will both be working.

My mother would cry whenever she thinks that we are unable to cope with the finances. I don’t understand why she would cry in front of others, for I know that no authority would empathies your situation and pity you crying.

There is no reason for them to look into emotions, as it would only affect their judgment. If they are beginning to feel for everybody and sympathy their situation, they would be facing more problems, things would all become complicated and they wouldn’t be able to get the work done.

Most importantly, there is really nothing to cry about, as we all knows that these are things beyond our control. I will first try to convince the welfare and social department that we needed financial assistance, and see if I can persuade my mother to start work. She says that I am heartless to ask her resume work. But she hadn’t considered that she is weighing herself as another financial burden on me, especially when I am the only person supporting the medical and household expenses. How could serving outside food compared to cooked meals become the action of a heartless person? My father can still walk and do many things on his own and he enjoy doing some work, if not it would be boring.

I doubt she has ever had a plan for our future, explaining them to her can be very tedious. For someone who has never really worked, it is easier to say that what she is doing serve more meaning. She didn’t compare people based on their financial status, she was simply doing what some others did.

I still thinks that I am right, because even the counselor has also advice her to work. Crying doesn’t help us to gain financial support, but we can be self sufficient.

Victor’s sister & her boyfriend brought me a pink color watch, which is the exact same model as the one she was wearing. She knows that I like this watch, and she wouldn’t mind me wearing the same. This watch came as a surprise for me, which really makes me very happy. If not that I am being forced to spend wisely, I would immediately get something nice for her too.

There are two food baskets with flowers delivered to our home today. One was from Anuty Karin and her colleague Hock Hui, and another is from my ex-colleagues. It has been 3 months since I left the company, but they are still concerned about me and my family. Whenever I go, I would place the photo I took with them. As they are the best team of colleagues I ever had. They celebrated my 21st with the huge birthday cake in the shape of a key, and they treated me dinner at Crystal Jade in the restaurant near my house for farewell. I really really want them to know that I will care for them as much. I’ll do everything possible to help them, for they have been so nice to me. They have taught me many life skills and on how to protect myself against bullies. I feel like a doted child before them, which I know I would never be able to experience that elsewhere.

It is now my turn to take care of those newly grad.

My father insists on having the radiotherapy and chemotherapy on the same day. It means that today would be his last session of radiotherapy and the first session of chemo. This was the first time I comprehend the treatment process of cancer patient life. I never know what chemotherapy was, until I saw the hanging packet of fluid. The medicine is inserted into our body through transfusion. The doctor says that frequency blood test is necessary to monitor the progress of the treatment. I would feel the pain, watching those needles and picturing the bruise veins.

The six session of chemo is amounting to twelve thousand, and 20% has to be paid by cash. I was worried about the cost, as I’m right now the only income provider of the family. Hope that we are able to get help from the social care and welfare department.

We are on the route to recovery.

Aunty Julia came to visit us, bringing water purifier and more nutritional products. I could hardly find a word to describe how much I wanted to thank her. She really cares a lot for my father. Knowingly that there are nutritional products that can help cancer patient to build up their immune system, she brought a complete set for my father and takes time to carefully explain each of the nutritional benefits and its dosage to my father.

I will remember the help that she has given us, her effort and time, and her financial support. I will repay her kindness.

Aunty Karin call to say that she has forward me Freeman’s email address. I was surprised that she has never attended any Church service. Seeing that the prayer has actually help my father to get rid of the dreams, and that my father has believed the existence of Christianity. I wanted to learn how to say the prayers and help my father pray for his health. If my father would become a Christian, I will too.

I wanted to take this assumption, if all that has happened was a lesson to bring us closer to God, we will learn. Please be patience with us and we will read your words. Please enlighten us and please cure my father, we will be obedience to you.

Sally has brought a friend who introduces my father the Aloe Vera and fruit juice. My aunt says that my father, who is a newspaper reader, should have known that there are problems when he experience sudden weight loss. We should have been more careful.

Met Susan for dinner at Braddell. Susan has always said that she can read me like a book, and from the look of my face; she can tell that there is something serious going on. I told her what has happen over this period of time. She blames me for not telling her earlier, if not because my father is going to be discharge tomorrow, she would visit him in the hospital.

It is nice to know that she cares for my father too, and I told her that I really appreciate it. She says its because she feels for me and she has met my father before. Susan had taught me something important. When I told her that my father is very strong in facing his illness, she says that's not true and she doesn’t believe there is anyone who hasn’t cry. If my father has tried so hard to look cheerful in front of us, we should do the same.

Aunty Karin has brought a friend to share the knowledge of Christianity and to pray for my father’s health. Aunty Alison was there too.

After understanding palliative care, I know that I shouldn’t be so eager to change his menu and be so strict in his supplements intake. These would only makes him feels like a patient, but what he wanted is to feel normal.

I no longer feel frustrated, because all we wanted was let him to lead a normal life, and isn’t he eating what he usually eats. There is no reason for me to control what he likes and dictate his menu. Of course, palliative care is part of the family members responsibility, but that doesn’t mean that what he is eating is good for him. With time, I will tactically get substitution for all those unhealthy dishes and turn them into healthy delicious delights.

I brought him a soya ice-cream and he is enjoying it.

Quarrel with my father over his stay in the hospital. He is getting frustrated being warded with no freedom and incurring unnecessary cost. He is vexing the stress on me. I am trying to make him understand that he is not in the condition to work and be discharged. I wanted him to tell the doctor his true condition, so that the doctors can help him.

If I compare him with the other patients, he still looks tired and feels terrible that he couldn’t even concentrate in reading papers or watching television. What reasons shouldn’t he be staying in the hospital? We are so worried about him and that we fear there isn’t sufficient attention for him. We are no doctors and we wouldn’t know what to do to help him. In the hospital, there are medical team who can monitor his conditions and give aid and attention when needed. Also, the doctors can explain to us the symptoms and give us the appropriate medication.

The pain was making him irritated. I should learn to be more tolerant.

We are supposed to meet up with a group of doctors to discuss for the best arrangement for a series of treatment to cure my father. My father says that his condition is considered quite serious, but I assure him that doctors would always exaggerate to pre-warn their patient. The doctors explained to us that they would start us with 10 session of radiotherapy, follow by the chemotherapy. Although there was no indication of his cancer stages, but the picture representation of the cancer cells present worries me. There are many little black dots here and there, and a nerve at the lower back is also affected. I could not understand the doctors writing, and I was too afraid to acquire more knowledge of his condition. Being ignorance doesn’t help, but I believe that things are not gloomy.

Winnings

As encouraged by my mother, I brought the 10 Feb Toto. The lucky numbers were picked by Marine (birthday girl of the month). The Aunty wanted to get twelve tickets for each of us and another ‘quick pick’ ticket each. She has given proper instruction and wrote the numbers on a piece of paper for Ah Cheah to buy. Despite those clearly written words, Ah Cheah still got us twenty-four tickets of the same number and not a piece of quick pick ticket. The Aunty was so angry that she grumbles from morning till noon, consecutively for three days. I find it funny, especially when she says things like “how could someone be so silly to buy twenty-four tickets of the same number, and there could ever be a ticketing staff that prints them out without questioning”.

I leap to my feet and emit a silence scream and when the numbers came out. Smilingly, I reminded Aunty those words she said. Aunty is trying to hide her smile, I can’t help but laughing. How embarrassing that is, but before we collect our winnings, we give out five dollars each to make up sixty dollars for Ah Cheah. If we got the numbers correctly, there’s only sixty dollars (# 3 ½), but now we got one hundred and twenty dollars each. On that same day, another set of numbers was chosen and they still want Ah Cheah to buy the tickets. Perhaps, scolding him hardly will get higher winnings. giggles~..

Annual Dinner

I am supposed to spend the whole morning preparing lucky draw prizes for tonight’s dinner, and I hide myself inside the conference room to get the things done. One colleague managed to find me and got me out of the room to get a document. Once I’ve stepped out of the room, I heard my name being called all over, everyone is looking for me with something waiting. But even as I feel my job is demanding, I know I enjoy doing them. Luckily, we managed to finish all urgent matters and the prize preparation with the help of Chris and Marine.

I thought that working until 1.30pm means that there would be time for me to shop around and have a nice proper lunch. In the end, I have to rush my lunch and go back office to take the plate, and hurried to the hotel for checking in, and meeting up with the banquet manager (Bibin) and the event organizer (Christopher and Kelvin Okara). In the hotel room, we (Kenji, Marine) still have to wrap up the presents. I’m the last to bath and get change before we set up the reception area. Shermaine was supposed to help me doing reception, but she seems to be very engrossed in photo taking and forgot her role. Soon Wee relented me some help, but was being teased by many other colleagues.

Feels like a princess today. I wore a lovely dress that can hide flab and a set of lovely crystal jewelry that brings out the feminine part of me. All the work, all the preparations… it has been for this day. I very pleased tonight’s dinner arrangement.

Being in this company for more than a year, I become very close to most of my colleagues, even those sales and administrative staff from other branches. There is a little voice in me, asking myself to make sure that I would remember this day, this moment, and these people. I thank for the chance to be able to attend the dinner, thanks them for being so nice to me.

It’s thrilled to see your boss standing at your side. My manager has no choice but leaving me to do my own things. Quickly, Kenji and I left office at four o’clock to buy gifts and prizes for tomorrow’s D&D.

In the journey, we talked about my future employer, Mr Poh. Surprisingly, Kenji has known him since he was 23 years old. When he first came to Singapore, 16 years ago he have already knows Mr Poh and his whole family. Mr Poh has two daughters and a younger son. Kenji had seen Mr Poh’s son grows for a naughty little boy who always runs about crying mummy, to a reserved handsome young man. They are still keeping contact.

Poem by Elizabeth Bishop's

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
And it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)