Living with My Addict and becoming one

This post is hard for me to write but I feel it is something I want to share and that people have asked me about frequently. I will not go into great detail but simply let others know you're not alone. For some it may come as a shock others may think they know what has been going on . I live with an addict. Yes, my husband is an addict and has possibly one of the worst diseases there could be. Life has been hard, it has been exhausting living with my addict. It has been hard becoming an addict myself a love addict or co-dependant addict. The past few years I have lived in fear, in judgement and I am thankful I was given the strength to over come this. 

A few years ago my husband got kidney stones and thus had pain killers. It was a fast and bold addiction to those pills which has put me where I am today. When I first learned there was a problem I was in denial. It could not be, I was being a worry wart. Then it just began to get worse, the lies and the sleepless nights.  My husband lied to me, he stole precious time from our family, and he deprived himself of countless blessings.  There were many times I would pray matt would come home safe. That he would stop using, why couldn't he just stop. This is not him, this is not the man I married.  I had become so wrapped up in trying to prevent him from using trying to keep him safe ( a task which is not possible). I became sick myself and was wrapped up in becoming a co dependenat. Blaming myslef for his actions, trying to cover up for him and his negative actions. I hurt myself just as much as my addict did. Living with an addict is painful, it is hard to see someone you love hurt so much. It is hard to not want to rescue them and hide there secret just the same. I would constantly call, text or try to follow matt to what i thought was keeping him safe. If I could just prevent him from using the drug. It would push him farther away and it would make me even more sick. He turned to other drugs and become what I would call a ghost and someone I no longer knew. I do not judge him for any of this, I simply love him. Most people judge a person for using drugs or alcohol, I know I used to be one. The reality is I have since learned this disease does not discriminate it takes all people. Good people, bad people, mothers, fathers, sons and daughters, bishops and priests. People you would never think of. . . 

The past three months have been challenging. Matt has been in rehab, I have been what I would consider a single mother with lots of support and I have been overcoming being co-dependant. I am happy to say we are both recovering and living a life of sobriety. While this has been my hardest trial in life thus far I could not have overcome it were it not for the help of the lord. People ask how I lived and survived living with my addict. For anyone who has had to live with an addict they know the hell that it is. The only answer I have for that is, God. For I know this was not possible to overcome and live through had he not been by my side, to push me to carry me to love me and to give me the courage to live. I. . 

Month 3

To my dear sweet Ali

This month you are talking up a storm. I thought the first weeks you changed a lot, you have really changed this month especially. Your first real laugh happened this month and we were lucky enough to capture it on video. Bath time is now one of your favorite things to do, in fact you scream bloody murder when we have to take you out. Aunt Mayloni tells you this is not an attractive feature throwing tantrums. I have to agree, you do freak out when you don't get your way right when you want it. The upside to that is there are very few times that you're displeased or wanting something right that second. The jumper is another one of your favorite toys you love to bounce in it and get a huge grin on your face. You have just started trying to roll over on the hard ground, you can do it in your cradle grandpa Lindsay made you but that rocks a little bit so it gives you the momentum you need. Sam likes to sit by you now that you can hold your head up and grab his fur. When you start to grab his fur to much he simply starts licking your face (head) until you let go. Yes, the first time I saw this in action I freaked out. Now not so much. Don't worry I would never let him hurt you and we use hand sanitizer lots after you play with him. Dad loves talking with you in the early mornings, as you are always up at 7 right on the dot. Who needs an alarm when we have you. We also had your blessing this month and Uncle Ryan was able to bless you. We did a small get together at grandma and grandpas. You cried almost through the whole thing but it was still a very wonderful and spiritual moment for me and your dad. The gospel has such power in our lives when we let it. I am so thankful you were able to have this special blessing and name bestowed upon you. Your first name Aliyah dad gave you as he liked the meaning that is behind it and it just felt right, he also picked the spelling your nick name Ali mom gave you as you were my little alligator from the first ultrasound. Your middle name is a family name which is also my middle name and your great-grandparents last name. We love you very much bean and are happy you are in our lives

xoxo mom and dad


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Month 2

It is official your are my little shrimp. We had your 2 month dr's appointment and your stats are still in the 20th%. You hated your shots. In the beginning you were so smiley laying on the Dr table, then as she poked you all hell broke loose. Your poor little eyes filled up with tears and the screams just kept coming. After a few minutes you were fine and back to your normal happy self.

I have created many names for you now as your personality is becoming more apparent. For the most part you are always happy, calm and pretty mellow. I thank the lord for this! Our daily routine consists of bath time, uncle clay playing with you, play time at grandmas while I go to work, visiting daddy on Thursdays, and then sleeping. You sleep through a majority of the night now, waking up only twice. You are still in your newborn clothes but they are slowly getting snug.

Your bff is sadie may, you two love playing together and more often then not your little fist winds up getting ate by her mouth. When you see daddy you smile a lot. We were able to go down and see him for Easter. Your first little easter was AWESOME! We bought you a cute little dress that matched sadie mays, went to church, had lunch with the giles' at the north fields and then went down to visit dad. We gave him a picture frame of your picture, a foot print and hand print of you. Thankfully grandma g helped me get the print of your hand. It took us 20 tries before we got a good one and there was orange paint everywhere! Grandma giles says you remind her a lot of me...spoiled, stubborn, and laughy. You remind me a lot of your dad, you're calm and mellow always wanting to stay away and just watch people. You FIGHT sleeping in the daytime. After 5 minutes of napping you're up smiling and ready to go again. We love you bean!

Month 1

Oh Ali Bean how I love you. You have changed so much these past 4 weeks. You're still physically petite and you love to watch people. Everyone told me you would sleep lots, poop lots, and eat lots. Well you're like your dad and me and walk to your own beat. You don't hardly sleep during the day wanting to watch everything, "naps" consisting of 5 min, you poop every 3 days (i asked the dr as long as its soft you're ok), and you eat about every 3-4 hrs. Sammy ( our black cocker spaniel) wants to eat you up, not literally. You like him too! You smile so much!!! Your first smile was when you were only a week old you breathe in deep which my interpenetration is a laugh. We spend the mornings in the rocking chair and let the sun shine in while we read scriptures, books and write letters to dad.

The first two weeks you were home were stressful, hard, and the most rewarding experience I believe there is. Mimi (grandma rawlings) came and stayed the first 3 nights with us and helped take care of you while we slept. Your first bath you screamed and screamed and screamed. Your 2 week appointment and it looks like you're going to be a shrimp too, as you're only in the 20th %. The last 2 weeks of this month were possibly the hardest for you, for our family. Your daddy went to a residential facility in payson. To get healthy for him, for you and for me. During this time we took lots of pictures, I told you lots about him and he talked to you over the phone. Here I am to provide for you take care of you in all ways possible. Little did I know you would be the one taking care of me at this time. I love you ali bean and I will always hold dear to the time I had with just you over the next few months. I cannot wait for you someday to be a mother and experience the pure joy you bring into my life.

Aliyah Lindsay Rawlings

I know I am way behind the game but these are memories I never want to forget. So better late than never.

Ali finally made her grand entrance on February 6, 2013 at 11:12 p.m. The story went something like this:

Up until about 3 days before she got here I was doing great, working (although slow) I wasn't to uncomfortable but was defiantly ready for my body back. (Little did I know even after having her..this will never happen again. We had just gone to the Dr. earlier on the 4th and it did not look like our little darling was going to be coming anytime soon, although I was 2 weeks over. Matt and I had just gone to be around 1 am on the 5th and out of no where I was like crap matt I just pee'd my pants, I get up go to the bathroom change, get back in bed just to pee my pants again. It was then that matt and I realized I wasn't peeing my pants my water broke. Since I was so prepared for this little one to get here I was sure to have my bags all packed, house clean, all that jazz. Not, I felt so unprepared and was grabbing things like a mad woman. The bag I had initially packed I unpacked and now I was left with nothing. Thankfully matt managed to get us to the hospital and all the things we would need.

Over 24 hrs of labor, 3 hrs of pushing and my sweet baby girl arrived at 7lbs 19" long happy and healthy. The next day we went home to start out this crazy adventure!!

20 Weeks

It seems time is flying by and I am doing my best to take in as much of this experience as possible!!!

Things I Love about being pregnant:
-Feeling her move
-Having an overwhelming sense of joy, gratitude
-Not being sick
-Maternity Clothes aka my pajamas
-Taking frequent naps (and it being ok)
-Working Less
-The belly rubs
-Planning
-No stretch marks (yet) wahoo:)
-3 a.m. tangents about what she will look like, what we need to do, something I just read

Things I DO NOT Love about being pregnant:
-Getting gal stones
-Paranoia about something going wrong
-Nightmares
-Foggy Brain
-Sleeping on my side
-Taking my nightly shots...that I am allergic too

We only have 4 more months until Ali is here and we are jumping up and down for joy. I cannot wait to meet her and Matt cannot wait to have his "wife" back. I don't know if it is just me but being pregnant has made me crazy! I am grateful I have a wonderful husband by my side who puts up with me, helps me, and is just plain amazing. This pregnancy has been wonderful in the sense I have not had the standard pregnant woman sickness. I hope the next 4 months continue to be this great!!

20 Weeks

An Alligator of Course

From the beginning of my pregnancy Matt and I both thought it was a little girl. However, just like most men matt wanted a little boy first. A big brother to be the defender for his little sisters. It looks like we were both right though and are getting out precious little girl first and couldn't be more excited!

When we had our first ultrasound at 4 weeks she looked like a little alligator and so we nicknamed her Al and often times still call her that. We had many names picked out for a little boy but not many for a little girl. Madison was what we both have always wanted to name our first little girl. When we found out it was a little girl we both looked at each other and said "Hey, I think we are supposed to name her Ali". It was such a strong impression we knew right then that Ali was the name we would call her. So it is that our little girls name first came about from an ultrasound that resembled and alligator.

 Matt picked out Aliyah and we will call her Ali for short. Lindsay is my mothers maiden name as well as my middle name so we decided to name her Aliyah Lindsay Rawlings. Yes, it is a mouth full but we love it!!!