Dating Criteria: How Much is TOO Much?

Wow, I can’t believe that I actually remembered the password to this thing...

So, I was talking to a single friend of mine recently and she mentioned that she had a list of qualities of what she looks for in the opposite sex. After sharing about four attributes from her list, I told her that realistically, she might have to scale back on her expectations. Then she told me that was her ABRIDGED version. Her total list stands about ninety.

Ninety?! Whoa!

Now, I am not saying that you shouldn’t have standards. Those are very necessary, but at some point, it can get a little out of control. And some things we have to just overlook. For instance, I once dated a guy who had slightly webbed toes. True story. While, I avoided looking at his toes when possible, that wasn’t the reason why I ended things with him. Another guy was COMPLETELY rhythm-less. I like to dance. But, I didn’t throw the towel in because his two-step was a little off. I hung in there as long as possible. (And I avoided going to clubs with him.)

And some things are fixable. Fashion sense, bad haircuts, table manners. We can work on that. Important factors like honesty, morals, work ethic, and compassion are what I look for.

But, when your list of desired qualities is nearing triple digits, it’s time to trim the fat and compromise. One woman I know told me that all she requires from a man initially is “a job and no diseases.” I guess I should disclose that she is older and likely just tired of being single.

We all have deal breakers though. I can’t date a bad speller. I did once and he ruined every love letter he ever wrote me. I know that it’s the thought and emotion behind it that I was supposed to be paying attention to, but when you substitute “our” for “are” something gets lost in translation.

Anyway, enough about me, my friend, and her mega-long list of expectations. What are the most “asinine” items on yours? Do tell….

So, I’m Not Single?!?! Who Knew….

A while back someone in my Facebook feed (you know who you are! LOL) posted something along the lines of, “I’m sorry, if you have kids, you’re not single.”

It’s been a GOOD while since I’ve updated this thing, but that status update never left my mind. And what better time to address it than Mother’s Day weekend. So here goes.

I will tell anyone in a minute that I am dating for two. I feel that as a mother, that my decisions about my personal life affect my child. And that includes who I consider to date. I would never consider a partnership with someone who I didn’t think I could expose my daughter to. So, from that angle I agree with the comment.

On the flipside, my child is not considered baggage at all. Not to me at least. She has changed my life for the better in ways that I didn’t know I could improve upon. I’ve always had my business together, but she helped me make choices and just be even more responsible. She is a blessing. That being said, I would never even consider dating anyone who felt that I was not “single” because of her. She is the most important part of my life.

Now, the purpose of this is not to throw shade or attack the person who wrote that status update. He’s cool people. In fact, his honesty should be commended. It saves busy single moms like me who are constantly juggling our careers, families and social lives from wasting time on a “prospect” who is not suitable for us. More men should just be upfront.

But, um, if I am not supposed to check the “single” box, what am I supposed to do dammit? I think I will be selecting that until “Single with an amazingly beautiful, smart, loving and WONDERFUL child” becomes an option. And not to toot my own horn, but she gets all of that from her mama! LOL

Ladies, have an amazing Mother’s Day. Be pampered. Enjoy yourself! And to my male readers, do something to show how much the hard work is appreciated. You’re turn is next month. The love shall be reciprocated!

To Catch a Predator

Guess who’s back?

Well, yes me via this blog post. I know, it’s been ages. But, I was actually referring to Geriatric Gerry (totally a nickname) from an earlier post.

Never did I think I would be posting an update on him, but, alas I am, because the old guy has resurfaced. *gasps*

No, I didn’t contact him for a date or anything along those lines. Let me explain.

This summer a former colleague dropped by my office. It had been awhile since we'd last seen each other, so of course we looked at photos of the kiddies, answered the usual questions and got formalities out of the way.

Then, he popped up.

"Wow, so this old bald guy approached me when I was leaving Grand Central. He told me that he has a real estate firm. He had to be at least 60. He gave me his card," my colleague said with a grimace.

Immediately my mind wandered to my old geezer. But, despite thinking it was a tad too coincidental, I still said, "I wonder if it’s the same guy who approached me. His real estate firm is a few blocks from here. Let me see that card."

As she fished through her bag for it, we reasoned that it couldn’t possibly be. My guy approached me downtown, hers near Grand Central.

"Ah, here it is," she said handing it over.

Upon glancing at it, I erupted into fits of uncontrollable laughter, because of course it was in fact the same dirty old man.

My colleague did confirm a few details for me though through her chat with him: 1) He is married which I'd assumed, and 2) he lives in Scarsdale, which means he DOES fart money like I suspected. Ha!

But her encounter with him does bring to light one sad fact: Dude is a stalker predator who clearly has a taste for brown sugar, which is not so bad of a fact, actually. Who could blame him? And I am making an assumption here, but I am pretty sure his wife HATES Viagra.

Be Careful What You Wish For...

A while back I spoke about how I was swearing off men in my age group because I was having such bad luck with them.

I’ve since lifted that restriction, in case you were wondering, but did word get out about that particular preference before I reversed it?

Recently while running errands, I noticed that an older gentleman was eyeing me. We made eye contact and before I knew it, he was by my side, giving me his name and passing me a business card.

Upon inspection, I saw that he was involved in real estate investments at a large firm. I switched to journalist mode and saw an opportunity to make a new contact. After all, it never hurts to build the Rolodex, right? So, I told him what I did for a living, and gave him my card without a second thought.

Hours later (yes hours!), I had my light bulb moment and realized he’d given me his card before I’d even made my occupation known. His goal wasn’t business. I instantly regretted it.

Let me explain why. When I referred to him as an “older gentleman,” I was being VERY kind. I would be willing to put money on him being a full-fledged member of the Viagra club. He probably can’t live without it. Dude was significantly older than me. It could have never worked.

The only thing that was favorable about him, if this was my preference, was that he was clearly loaded. Loaded to the point where he probably farts money. But, alas, gold digging is not really my style.

And he call me. I told him I was busy and never called back.

So, I’m still single and not really dating, but I was also spared from possibly seeing that old wrinkly butt. I think I came out on top this time.

If Men Are The Smarter Sex…

I’m blogging about this by request, and because it keeps coming up way too much in everyday conversation.

Now, the next line you read will raise some eyebrows—brace yourself.

I think men are the smarter sex…when it comes to dating. Women reign superior in most other areas, but when it comes to navigating the field of flirtation, juggling, dating, etc., most men have figured out something that we’re not grasping.

A good friend of mine was recently involved in back and forth flirtation with the opposite sex. So hot and heavy was this flirtation that she was shocked when she learned he was in a committed relationship from a third-party. She felt mortified and duped—obviously, she was feeling him. She said, “You must blog about this!” 

This is not the first instance I have heard of such a thing occurring. I’ve even experienced it. However, I am not going to list personal examples because that would just be telling on myself. 

But what I did do was pick the brain of a male friend. I said, “Friend, why do men lead women astray by flirting with them repeatedly and giving them false hope, only for us to later learn that they have someone at home anyway? Huh, friend?” (So, I’m paraphrasing a bit…) 

His response (unparaphrased): “I mean there’s no one answer, it's a case by case thing. But overall they are trying to test the waters. He could be in an unhappy relationship, he could be bored with her, or he could just be a conniving player.”

Of course, the easy conclusion to draw would be that he is a conniving player. (ha ha)

But, as I thought more about it, I decided that he was just better at the game than us, in some cases. If he is just casually dating, with no established commitment, what is to stop him from keeping himself out there? I think a woman sometimes get caught up in the first, second and third dates way too quickly and start to immediately think long-term. We may not realize that we’re doing so, but we stop putting ourselves out there. In general, we are usually ready to commit. We find a good candidate and we’re done.

That is what made me conclude that men just might be the smarter sex when it comes to dating. I ran this by a female friend, who gave a classic response: “Well if men are the smarter sex, I’d rather be dumb.”

Can’t help but laugh at that one.

But, seriously, what do you guys think? Are men better at navigating the field or are they simply players? You already know what I think.

 

 

Quality Over Quantity

I’ve been quiet lately. Sorry. But, a hectic work schedule, blogger’s block and at times pure exhaustion have kept me from posting.

Also, being that this is a blog partly about dating, it’s hard for me to post content when I’m not hitting the scene. The golden question these days has been, “Are you seeing anyone?”

And the answer is no. It’s not that the random guy doesn’t approach me here and there. Just this morning some guy offered to take me out to lunch. (Sure, he was questionable in appearance and mental stability, but an invite is an invite, right?)

But, that brings me to my point. I am all about quality over quantity these days. I know it’s good to “get back out there” for experience sake, but with limited free time, I don’t want to waste it. As I told someone recently, my weeding out process is SICK these days. I can usually tell from initial contact/phone interaction if you are even worth considering.

Here are some examples of what is on my mental checklist:

1) I am a mom first and foremost. I don’t have many conversations where my daughter isn’t mentioned. If you show ZERO interest in the basic details about her (name, age, etc.), that’s a red flag for me. Now, I am not looking for a daddy for her. She already has one. But, we’re a package deal, dude.

2) On the other hand, don’t show TOO much interest in her from the start. That is also a red flag for me, and I think you know why.

3) Show some interest in ME. In the past, I’ve wasted time on people who by the third conversation still had no clue what I did for a living. That’s a basic question. Now, I know that I am not always an open book. But, my policy is if you ask, I will tell. I have no problem sharing. But if you are working towards getting to know me, shouldn’t that be part of the initial conversation anyway?

These are just a few things that I look for. There are more “criteria” on the list, but I can’t give away all my secrets. And please don’t judge me for even having criteria. I’m a mother. I’m dating for two. So, this is why I haven’t been out there much lately. Sadly, most guys don’t make it past those first three examples.

If you have a list, no matter how crazy or sane, feel free to share bits and pieces from it. I like to know that I am not alone.

Peace!

The "Accidental" Date

I don’t know about you, but I must be a magnet for this.

I’ll get asked out on what I think is a casual friend-type situation, only to later realize along the way that I was somehow coerced into a “date.” Maybe I am just clueless about reading the signs of when someone has more than a platonic interest in me, but I think this also says something about the coward-like ways of some guys.

For instance, when I was had just started graduate school, this guy suggested after class that we grab some coffee or food, while discussing a class assignment. The red flags did not rise for me at all.  I figured that for one, it would be a good idea to make some friends, and we did have to work on a project, so why not get started?

Silly me.

We find a Japanese spot to eat at, and while discussing the assignment, he blurts out, “You know that I like you right?”

Sigh…..

So, I found myself giving a very diplomatic response of, “You seem cool too, but I don’t really know you”, shoveling in the rest of my chicken teriyaki and getting out of there quick fast. I felt tricked and bamboozled.  And in case you are wondering, I never gave him a chance and I was wise in doing so.  He would later on send me pics of his nether regions.

Another incident that occurred was a bit more sneaky and underhanded.  There was a colleague of mine who I’d exchanged emails with and even had drinks with once.  Purely platonic stuff, so I thought.  One day he emails me, suggesting that we get together for drinks and dinner the following Thursday.  I was fine with that.  I had no plans and felt that it couldn’t hurt to be social.

Well, that weekend I was chatting with a male friend about what he was planning to do for his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day.  He started sharing his plans and then I had a “light bulb” moment. Valentine’s Day was THURSDAY.  That fool tried to set me up!  Because I wasn't expecting to celebrate it, the date never clicked when he suggested it. So I avoided his calls all week, didn’t respond to his emails and made a potentially awkward situation even more awkward.  Oh well….

I could go on and list more examples, but I think you get the point. Plus, I don’t see a point in providing you with more reasons to laugh at my expense.

But, seriously am I that oblivious or are men just getting more passive aggressive in picking up women?

Ladies, let me know if this has ever happened to you.  And in an attempt to humor the male readers of this blog, guys can feel free to chime in too!