Quickly

I only  have a moment before getting the kids going, but I called yesterday and ended up with an appointment to see my old OB on Thursday. (He only does gyn/fertility work now, which is why he wasn't my baby catcher this time.)  He tends to be very aggressive, so hopefully he has something brilliant to say about this situation.

Also, I wanted to say it's not about anyone offering to help if they know us IRL, it's that it sort of becomes the elephant in the room. (To be honest I don't NEED any sort of *help*, it's helpful for someone like me to just keep busy right now.)

It's that it doesn't become part of the conversation.

It's that people read along here and then never utter a single word about the miscarriages, for example.

 It's that as soon as people read something here that they even THINK is about them they FREAK OUT. (And quite frankly I purposely never say anything particularly inflammatory about anyone else.)

 It becomes a real hindrance to blogging.  I am left with two choices - say nothing personal at all, which is completely against why I blog or say what I have to say, but be forced to dance around some of it and then piss off myself (and who knows who else) in the process. It leaves me feeling as if there are holes in my story here. Important holes. Big holes.

Ugh.

*I tried for a long time to keep the blog secret from people I know IRL. But over time I would forget a tagline on an email or Dave would mention it, or someone on facebook would mention it, etc. I clearly do NOT blog anonymously, but it was nice to be in that sort of relative black hole for so many years.

Suck it up buttercup?

I am here.

Well sort of.

Grant will be 5 weeks old in two days and frankly it's becoming more and more obvious that I am going to have find a specialist about reconstructive surgery. I have what can only be called chronic pain at this point, and it's clear that the OB did NOT do a proper repair when he was born.

And I am just sick about all of this.

I worked so hard to avoid that stupid c-section because I did not want long term discomfort and complications.

And here I am with what I was trying to avoid.

And frankly it is every bit as bad I thought it would be. For me it's pretty much ground zero for trauma.

I think of myself as a pretty tough broad, but this has left me shattered. And crying constantly. And clearly heading to PPD. And having trouble bonding with the baby. And struggling to take care of him and Sammi every single day. (And I hate anti depressants nearly as much as the thought of surgeries. Been there, done that, not really so interested in going back.)

If I thought that colic and 13 hours of screaming every day with Jack was bad, well, this is making that look like a walk in the park.

I mean it makes me fucking hysterical to think about being wrecked in such an intimate way for the rest of my life. Or having to have major surgery to try and fix this. And then having that interfere with the breastfeeding I also worked so hard to save.

And I REFUSE to see the motherfucker OB who I feel like is the root of this problem.  So I am feeling at a bit of a loss about what to do even next. I mean, I hear "the ladies" (two older ladies who share a booth and I always visit with them) at the flea and their  words about it taking 6 weeks, but it's not really the healing that is the issue here. It's that he has not put anything back together to heal in the first place. That is sort of an important component.

Anyway. I have been hesitant to say anything here, not because I am that kind of girl who doesn't just let it all hang out, but because this weird blog thing happens where people who know us IRL read here (and I know they read here) and yet despite what they read here they never bring it up. And then that makes me mad. I mean I know you know I am struggling and yet it doesn't seem like a good idea to even say hey, are things okay? Ugh. It makes me wish I blogged in a black hole.

On the sixth day of Halloween

On the sixth day of Halloween, the Great Pumpkin gave to me:

 

 One picture of Sammi in her "back up plan" Halloween costume (I found the one I really wanted on Ebay a few months ago);

 "I want that camera now!";

 One more Halloween "craft" made by Jack (this was a kit from Oriental trading);

 One trip without the kids to Goodwill a few days ago, which yielded one of those very sparkly Target wreaths (I need to take off those pine cones and acorns and add something to it for Christmas, but I don't know what yet).  The line to check out was to the back of the store (at 8 pm!) and the music was so loud I swear I was in a dance club. I need them to stop telling people on the tv to thrift, there is nothing to buy and it is always VERY crowded.

And one of those very overpriced "special" store things from Target too.

Today has also yielded:
*gnats all over the window screens that are so small they can fit through the screens, which means I cannot open the windows even though both of the littles are pooping so much it's getting to be like a public toilet in here
*one leaking deep freezer
*one baby that would not go back to sleep last night
*one show down first thing this morning with Jack over buying a school lunch (he refused even though I have nothing to feed him. As he was making his own lunch ! he said to me "I know you were just testing to me to see if I could make a lunch" LOL. I wasn't really. I was too tired and there was nothing to send.)
*one emergency costume needed for Jack's scout party tonight (good luck to me there, Jack is very literal and none of the last minute ideas I have *mean* anything to him - like a black eyed P)
*one toddler who is hugely entertained by a flashlight
*just color me exhausted today. And it's early release (enough with the early release crap already), so I have all three kids here very soon. And a huge to do list which includes things like JACK HAS NO COSTUME FOR HALLOWEEN! and I have nothing to give the trick or treaters. Oy.

Is it Friday yet? 

On the seventh day of Halloween

On the seventh day of Halloween, the Great Pumpkin gave to me:

 

 One baby in a peapod costume who turned four weeks old today!

 I had no intention of buying him a costume, since he will stay home with me while I answer the door on halloween. But when I saw this at Goodwill I could not resist putting it in the cart, even if only for taking pictures in.

 TOTALLY worth the dollar it cost me right?

 I could take pictures of him in this outfit all the live long day.

 He is starting to be more alert and start to move his arms and legs. (Which is a relief, because when they said he had poor muscle tone it is no joke. He was barely moving at all that first month. After being the MOST active in utero baby ever. Even the nurse said she had never seen a baby move that much on the monitor.)

 Sammi wanted in on the action. I have been teaching her to say CHEESE, which actually engages her in photo taking and makes it easier. Too bad the peapod is swallowing Grant in this photo.

 And we have fleeting smiles! He was very, very frowny those first four weeks.

 I think when the days are feeling long and crazy repetitive I should look at this photo again and again.

 My two babies holding hands.

 It makes up for the days which right now are feed, change, dress one baby, feed, change, dress, rock baby two, turn around and baby one needs feeding, changing and dressing again, then baby two needs to start it all over again too. Dave spent about 90 minutes alone with all them of last night and said "how the hell do you pull this off plus keep the house running?" I just do it is all. Right now I just keep us rolling. Period.

Speaking of baby number one - Miss Sammi is ever so much like Jack and his "dandy" right now. She drags hers everywhere. And her bearbie too.  For a minute I was like OH GOD THEY ARE GETTING FILTHY! PLEASE LEAVE THEM INSIDE! and then I wondered if I had lost my mind.

Jack has been dragging that blanket of his everywhere for 8 years. It's fine. It's why I have two blankets (and two bears). One can wash and one can still be cuddled. (If you are in the market for a security blanket I cannot say enough good things about the pottery barn chamois stroller blankets. They are kind of crazy expensive, but even after going EVERYWHERE for eight years Jacks are still in one piece. They aren't as soft anymore, but there is not a hole in sight.)

And speaking of Jack - he had his 8 year check up yesterday and is 51 inches tall! and 60 lbs. Whoa. More importantly he actually spoke to the ped when spoken to. He is doing much better at school this year (new teacher making a world of difference), but still clearly has anxiety about a lot of things. It helps that I am recognizing that a lot of our issues are totally anxiety related and trying like hell to be ever mindful of that.

Okay, Sam has decided my time is up!

On the eighth day of Halloween

On the eighth day of Halloween, the Great Pumpkin gave to me:

 

 I saw these skeletons in the October issue of Family Fun and had Jack make me some.

 We tried regular glue first like they suggest and it was a total failure, so I let him use the hot glue gun (with me watching).

 He did NOT enjoy this craft at all...

But boy are they cute!

On the ninth day of Halloween

On the ninth day of Halloween, the Great Pumpkin gave to me:

 

One baby + pumpkins photo shoot that took an absurdly long time. (Think many hours of rocking, shushing, feeding, placing, rock again, feed again, place again. LOL)  I somehow thought that with a newborn it would be easier than it was with a 9 month old Sammi last year.

I really wanted to curl him up on top of the pumpkin, but he would not tuck his little legs! (He looks a little odd here, but I assure you he is sound asleep.)

Also, I think it's worth nothing that this pumpkin is SO darn big that Dave could barely carry it (I couldn't even budge it an inch). And look at how big Grant is on it. (That is also one HUGE old bread bowl he is in in the first shot.)

I had a WHOA moment the other day when it finally hit just me how big this baby truly is.

The shot I REALLY wanted his sort of like this - a bit of a distant shot of him inside the pumpkin and it totally didn't work out as I had planned. He just did not like being in that position (even though I had totally lined the inside of the pumpkin with blankets and towels so it wasn't cold and slimy and spent 30 minutes feeding him before I put him in there).

Oh well, some of them are super sweet anyway.  I love babies in pumpkins!

* Jack is home sick (again) today and I am trying to get us back on track from the world's busiest weekend. All while my freak out factor about the fact that I am STILL not healing well is reaching it's all time high. Grant will be 4 weeks old in 2 days, WTH is the problem? With the other two kids I was feeling excellent after 3 or 4 days.  Sigh.

On the tenth day of Halloween

On the tenth day of Halloween, the Great Pumpkin gave to me:

 

 

One CRAZY sleep over birthday party for Jack (whoa, that was loud!);

 One trip to a tiny farm to collect our pumpkins and attempt another group shot of the kids;

 One day on an Amish farm complete with cow milking, chicken watching,

 pony riding,

 (man it took Jack a long time to work up the nerve to get on that TINY pony!), a bonfire and hot dog roast (where we taught the Amish family we visit about S'Mores - they couldn't believe how messy they were), and a hay ride in the dark through the fields.  I have shockingly few pictures, way too busy and also it was too hard to keep their kids out of the photos (taking pictures of Amish is strictly forbidden);

And one VERY MUCH coveted birthday present for Jack (Lego Mind Storms).

Thank you to PaPa for arranging a wonderful day yesterday!

Now I am off to ponder getting the baby into the giant pumpkin I bought for more of those baby in a pumpkin photos. Insert evil mom laughter here. :-)

Hapde Burfday Baby

 

On the twelfth day of Halloween, the great pumpkin gave to me:

 

 

 One boy who turned eight years old today.

 And one SERIOUS case of mommy brain. (Which has involved things like sitting in the basement for five minutes and watching the weather with the sirens blaring and a tornado barreling down the highway we live on and then realizing that in the chaos of all the noise and Sam screaming I have left Grant upstairs alone. Or driving to the mall for this photo appointment and realizing as we pull into the parking space that I have not brought my wallet. Then driving home to get the wallet and having the van started yelling that we have ZERO miles until we run out of gas. The exhaustion of not having slept through the night since like July and juggling all of these appointments/kids and stuff is clearly catching up to me. Also, if anyone has any idea on earth how to keep clothes on Sam PLEASE tell me now. It is so frustrating to dress her, then dress the baby, then feed the baby, then feed her, then have to REDRESS her, then change the baby's diaper again and on and on before we can get out of this house. She can't get out of the onesies but forget about any kind of pants/overalls/shoes/socks.)

Anyway.

My dear Jack,

Today you are eight.

I am not quite sure where on earth the years have gone between when you were still a "little person" and this big boy you are becoming.

We continue to have our challenges, but I find myself thinking often these days that these times are surely short now. I feel like at any minute now you will be done with things like big themed birthday parties and halloween costumes and footie pajamas and on the list goes on.

I mean goodness, we are halfway to driving a car!

You continue to amaze everyone who meets you with your super big brains.  And I miss the days when you were home with me and really learning lots of new things.

My wish for you this year is that you are able to grow into yourself a bit more before those tween/teen days arrive.  That you find your voice (not that baby talk you are using right now) and your ability to really speak up for yourself.  Things start getting hairy in middle school and I know how important it will be for you to be your own best advocate in the years to come.

Speaking up about what you want and need is NOT a weakness, it's an important part of finding true happiness my darling.

I promise to keep pushing you to grow and develop, and to not hang on too tightly as this year too passes us by.

Love you doodlebug,
Mama

On the 13th day of Halloween

 

 

On the thirteenth day of Halloween, the Great Pumpkin gave to me:

 

 

 One finally finished treat bag for Miss Sammi. (Never mind the blurry photo, the kids have smeared the camera lens and I don't have time to retake the photos, gah).

 Made from the cut off leg of some Old Navy pajama pants I have had for years. And complete with a witch. I am trying to teach her to say WITCHY!

 Trimmed with some Halloween ribbon I have been hoarding for years.

 And the freaking cutest fabric EVER, found at Joanns over the weekend when I went in there in search of the fabric I used to make last year's Christmas stockings. (Why didn't I buy extra? Grant will need a stocking too.)

 It's Flea Market Friends (Pastel) from Alexander Henry.

A quick google shows some coordinating prints called market stalls and the ABCs of the flea.  The next time I am in there I am going to have a look for those too.

We are off to have Jack's eighth birthday portraits taken and acquire a birthday cake. Just me and three rowdy kids. In costco. That should be fun! LOL

Three weeks and this is what I know

 Grant is three weeks old today! 

And this is what I know:
*Big babies eat like teenagers. It does mean he sleeps a little better, but he is a bottomless pit of hungry.
*I can manage us okay at home, but getting some place ON TIME? Still a challenge.
*Two kids in diapers = A LOT OF DIAPERS
*If you get a damn nipple injury, find a recipe for APNO. And then pump for a few days. And then breathe a big sigh of relief when three days later you can feed the baby without pain.
*There are a ton of appointments with three kids. I will be forced to actually use a calendar to keep on track.
*There is nothing greater on earth than the internet. Need a present for your niece? Amazon prime! Need more bottle nipples? Amazon Prime! If only our local grocery store would deliver I would be set.
*Showering is totally underrated. Man I miss showering.
*It's a good thing time keeps passing quickly. Yesterday was a terrible, no good day for both the babies. Today seems better already.
*Dave has taken to calling the kids the genius, the gymnast and the giant. Cute, no?

 We are prepping for a drive in movie party for Jack's birthday on Friday. Sam thinks the GIANT choo choo is like the greatest thing ever. That girl is choo choo (and fish) obsessed.

And Sam, who has never shown a minute's worth of interest in baby dolls, got her baby doll out yesterday and investigated it thoroughly. She played with it, covered it up with blankets, tried to find it's nipples (LOL), poked it's eyes and ears.  And then undressed it.

She is ALL ABOUT everyone being naked right now and will not stay dressed for anything.

It was interesting to watch - she is clearly doing a lot of thinking about this baby business.

(And she has had a sudden language explosion, FINALLY! We have bus, bug, cookie, baby, boo, okay, yes, mom, and more. Relief on my part to hear her finally talking.)

Alrighty, number three is demanding more food.

Tomorrow I will start the annual great pumpkin series. Man I have some cute stuff on tap. I hope. Let's hope the children cooperate.

Infant and Pregnancy loss awareness day

Today is infant and pregnancy loss awareness day.

Even though I am feeling very blessed to have welcomed our third baby, I have not forgotten all the losses we experienced on the way to expanding our family.

My thoughts are with those of you that have been/still are on that path today.

You are not alone, and I continue to encourage each of you to come out of the closet, to come forward and help raise awareness for an issue that is close to so very many of our hearts.

For all of our babies, here and gone...

The one where Sarah dies in the middle of the pumpkin patch

 We took the kids to the pumpkin patch this morning and before we left I was SURE that trying to wrangle three kids in one picture was going to give me a stroke.

 Turns out this is the best I could manage. Jack and the baby are easy peasy, but Samantha June? LORDY BE that girl is crazy right now.

 She will not sit down, she will not look at the camera, she will not follow any sort of direction. And here her tutu almost ate the baby!

 Here it was way too windy.

 It's a good thing she is so darn cute. (And speaking of looks, she looks more and more like Jack at that age every day.)

 Jack loved these little goats. Sam did NOT love the noisy horse.

 Grant was totally zoinked out (and sporting face prints from riding in the moby with me).

 Jack still loves the corn.

 And the big tires.

 And Sam liked the pony swing.

 Jack's most favorite part is grinding up feed corn. He could do it for hours.

But you only care about the part where I die, don't you? About 2 minutes after this last photo the kids went back to the straw maze. Sam followed Dave and Jack in. I stood outside. They came out and looked at me and said "where's Sam?"

I was calm for the first 2 minutes of looking for her.

THEN I STARTED TO DIE.  And totally FREAK OUT. OMG SOMEONE HAS STOLEN MY PRECIOUS TUTU WEARING BABY!

LOL

Dave found her.

Wanna know where?

Sitting down taking pictures WITH SOME OTHER FAMILY.

Let me get this straight then - she will not take a picture for me, then she wanders off to take pictures with some other family (while I am having a freaking heart attack looking for her)?

That'll teach me to think I KNOW what is going to give me a stroke that day. LOL