Sword drills

I’d been doing a good job of exercising on the stationary bike every morning. 15 minutes per day for the first week; 20 for the second. While away from home over the holidays, I thought I’d take along a Hollowearth Sword, and do some drills out of Christian Tobler’s Fighting with the German Longsword.

Things I learned:

• Sword drills are a lot more work than an exercise bike but don’t earn as much Apple watch green ring credit.
• My body really doesn’t like the left vom tag guard. It will do almost anything to do something else when I try to assume it.
• Wear gloves for drills.

My web site

I posted about this on G+, but I don’t think I actually mentioned it here. The web host I was using has gone defunct. I’ve taken the opportunity, while moving to a new host, to finally update and reorganize some of the content. I’m also trying to set up redirects so that links to any content that has moved still work. If there’s anything that’s not yet on the new site that you’d like to see back up, please let me know. I’ll bump it up on my “to do” list. Also, let me know if you see any problems with the new site.

web.fisher.cx

I did not fail

Looking back over some old posts, I read this in “Separation”:

I failed in the one thing I wanted to do in life: Make Andrea happy. I failed to give my children a happy, whole home.

I was wrong.

Shortly after that, I had several conversations with my ex-wife in which I only asked questions and listened to the answers. It took a long time, but her answers finally convinced me of something.

Even if I had been perfect, that wouldn’t have changed a thing.

Not that I didn’t have faults or make mistakes, but they weren’t the cause of my divorce. They weren’t even contributing factors.

I was also wrong in taking responsibility for anyone else’s happiness. I should show love to—try to fill the tank of—my loved ones. But just as love is a choice, so is happiness a choice. A choice each person has to make for themself.

Anyway, I thought it was important to finally have a follow-up to that post.

Keeping up appearances

I have written before that I think it is important to recognize that what’s right for me isn’t right for everyone. But I do believe that there are some absolute rights and wrongs.

One such fundamental is this: It doesn’t matter what other people think.

That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be considerate. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t seek advice. It simply means that when faced with a choice, you shouldn’t make a decision based on what other people might think about your choice.

If for no other reason than that you are likely wrong about what anyone will think. In fact, I suppose this is a subset of the “don’t make a decisions based on fear” proverb.

Not that I’m perfect at practicing this bit of preaching.

“There’s no wrong way to play”

Risus author S. John Ross used to often say, “There’s no wrong way to play Risus.” Today, he says, “There’s no wrong way to play.”

This is a sentiment I also heard in the words of Rob Kuntz and Tim Kask during the “early days of the hobby” round-table at the North Texas RPG Con.

I think it can be very worthwhile to discuss our approaches to role-playing games. It can be hard to remember that what works for me may not work for everyone. Often I see things as “the right way” and “the wrong way” instead of simply as preferences. I try to express my thoughts as first-person opinions. I don’t always succeed.

Don’t let the misunderstandings win

This weekend, Andrea (my soon-to-be-ex-wife) made a nice gesture to me. One that was, in fact, very hurtful. I don’t think she intended it to be hurtful. (In spite of the fact that experience has taught me to assume the worst where she’s concerned rather than the best.) I don’t think she understands me enough to realize that it was hurtful.

So, no big deal. I’ve shrugged it off. I’d like to explain to her that it was hurtful and why. That’s what I would want if the roles were reversed. I know now that there’s no point in that.

If the roles were reversed, my experience tells me that she wouldn’t be able to see beyond the hurt, and she would silently resent me for it without my ever knowing.

I also know that, if she were reading this, she would at this point assume that I’m just trying to insult her. Which is not the point at all. The point is that our different natures and expectations led to misunderstandings.

The successful couples aren’t the ones that have no misunderstandings. Every couple is going to have these kind of misunderstandings. The successful couples are the ones that don’t let this kind of little stuff win. They have faith, don’t give up, eventually learn to understand one another better, and come out the other side stronger.

To me, that has always been the whole point of the vows.

At least, that’s what I believe. Make sure that you and your spouse understand that you’re going to run into stuff like this. Promise each other that you won’t let it win. Promise each other that you won’t even think the word “divorce” until you know that you fully understand the issues and that they are worthy of that action. Misunderstandings aren’t worth tearing your kids’ family in two.

When you feel like things aren’t going well, don’t be quiet! You can’t defeat misunderstandings without communication. Don’t think that you can fix it yourself. You can’t fix a relationship without at least enlisting the aid of the other person. More than that, though, don’t hesitate to go to a counselor because they can help you see when problems are really just misunderstandings.

Why?

Alton Brown; I’m just here for the food, version 2.0; p. 7

I know there are those who would say “who cares? As long as I know how, why bother with why?” I can only offer that for me, until I deal with the why, I don’t really know the how...if you know what I mean.

Yes, Alton. I know exactly what you mean.

Debugging life

The measure of a great computer programmer is not that they write bug-free code. In this line of work, I learned quickly that any non-trivial program is going to have bugs. The measure of a great programmer is more how their code handles the unexpected and how they handle debugging.

Perhaps it’s just the engineer in me, but I think this is true of life too. Success isn’t about not making mistakes. It is about what I do when I recognize that I’ve made a mistake.

Forgiveness

Sometimes I’m amazed by my capacity to forgive. Sometimes it seems like the bigger the wrong, the easier it is to forgive.

When it’s hard, however, it can seem impossible. It’s hard when they seem to be unrepentant.

Resolution 2009

The impending divorce is not my choice. I have to recognize, however, how I contributed to the problems in my marriage. I have to own my parts without beating myself up over them. This time, I’m thinking out loud about them. I guess working on these things is my New Years Resolution.

Andrea and I were a good match because many of my weaknesses were her strengths and many of her weaknesses were my strengths. I realize now that in many ways I leaned too heavily upon her strengths. That put her under tremendous pressure.

I never (not really never, but close enough) took initiative. This is true of all my relationships. I am horribly insecure and shy. I have an inferiority complex. The indecision plays a part here too.

I never appreciated the needs of an extrovert. Extroverts need external stimulus.

My defense mechanism is to withdraw. Too often this is hurtful to others, because they don’t see the fear or hurt or indecision.

Several times I seemed to recognize that I was doing a poor job of communicating, but I didn’t know how to change. The really odd thing was how easily I did change once she said she was unhappy. I made a 180° turn and—if possible—started communicating too much.

I’ve always had a natural tendency to raise my voice. People perceive me as screaming when—as far as I’m concerned—I’m not. I guess I never considered that this was something I needed to work on. I did know that it bothered Andrea. I did know that sometimes she took me venting frustration personally. Again, I thought this was something she needed to get over instead of something I needed to work on.

There are times when my emotions and frustrations get the best of me. Times when I do yell. Even lash out. I can’t deny knowing it, because there were times when I’d write something instead of saying it in an attempt to avoid that. I think there’s much here for me to understand.

I realize now that this was a problem during my entire marriage. I’ve been pretty sure that letting my fear and frustration get the best of me drove her away last year. I don’t know if things would have been different, but I wasn’t helping the situation.

I wonder: Is everything here a general problem or only a problem in the context of my marriage to Andrea?

No, before that

Me: What were you doing before you threw up?

Grace (6yo): Going to the restroom because I felt like I was going to throw up?

Me: But what were you doing before that?

Grace: Asking the teacher if I could go to the restroom because I felt like I was going to throw up.

Me: (>_<)!

---

My mom adds, “Grace answered you just the way you would answer me, so she gets it honest.”

On love

Things I think I know. Unfortunately, knowing them didn’t seem to do me much good. Maybe I understand them a little bit better know...or maybe I have no idea what I’m blathering on about. Either way, enjoy. (^_^)

Lust, infatuation, limerance: Perhaps sometimes called “falling in love”, but I think there’s a reason we have so many words besides “love” for it. Don’t make the mistake of thinking it’s only physical. We have little or no control over it. It just happens to us. Note that, while love is blind, infatuation is simply ignorant. It is also fleeting. It isn’t bad, but it is important to realize that it isn’t really as wonderful as it feels.

To feel loved: You feel love when other people do certain things for you. The analogy is sometimes made to deposits in a bank account or filling a tank with fuel. Enough deposits in your love account, and you feel loved. The trouble is that some acts of love may mean little or nothing to you and others everything. And it varies from person to person.

So, since this is about what other people do then—like infatuation—you have no control over it. Right?

Wrong! It may seem romantic to think that two people will find each other who naturally fill each others love tank with just the right fuel.

If you don’t know what fills your love tank... If you don’t tell your partner what fills your love task... If you hide the gauge... If you lie when asked what the gauge reads... You’re leaving feeling loved up to random chance.

To Love: Love is a verb. Love is an active verb. Love is a choice.

Can it really be put so simply as: To love is to put someone else before yourself.

Love can last, but—being an action—to make it last, you must keep doing it. You must fill the tank, and it helps to know the right fuel for the engine that tank is connected to.

So, where’s the romance in all of this?

I don’t know. I always thought of myself as a romantic. I’ve never been very good at being romantic, though.

I don’t think romance is being a slave to basic impulses. I don’t think romance is trusting to chance. I do think that to have any chance of finding true romance, I have to understand the things above.

Thanks

Continuing to try to catch up...

I’m thankful for:

• My children
• My parents
• My sister and her family
• My gaming group
• Söundcheck
• My Sunday school class
• The Heartsong band, choir, and all my other friends at church
• My job
• My coworkers
• Old friends who—even though I don’t do enough to stay in contact—are always ready to pick up right were we left off
• My online friends—including you
• My therapist

How I feel

A man had held his dream job for nine years, when his boss met with him.

The boss said, “We’re going to have to let you go. You just haven’t been doing your job correctly.”

The man asked, “What have I done wrong?”

The boss replied, “A number of things, but what’s important is that it clearly isn’t working out.”

The man said, “But here are my annual performance reviews. They each say that I’m doing fine. There are none of these concerns.”

The boss said, “I know. I tried to make things work, but I can’t any longer.”

The main pleaded, “Let me know what I’ve been doing wrong, and I’ll do them right.”

The boss replied, “I’m sorry. It’s just too late for that now.”

Just to be clear: This is a metaphor. I know I wouldn’t have this problem at my current job.

Glued

I look around my house. Now just my house—in practice if not yet legally. It feels so different. I’m still happy with it. It just feels—diminished.

I’m diminished.

No matter how much happiness the future brings, my little family will now always be broken. My kids’ mom will never again be my wife. We’ll glue things together however we can make them fit. I suppose we’ll all come out of it stronger.

It’s like...I don’t think I’ll ever be as proud of anything I accomplish as I was of the things that Andrea and I accomplished together. Providing my kids a home is not that same as providing our kids a home. I can see a bright future, but it isn’t as bright.

Which is a foolish thing to be mourning. Life’s been good to me so far. There are people in this world who would gladly trade their troubles for mine.

Communicating expectations

One of my repeated memories from my childhood is how angry I’d get when my mom would ask me to do something moments before I was about to do it. I’d so much wanted to do whatever-it-was without being asked to, and suddenly I didn’t want to do it at all.

It’s so strange how sometimes someone telling me to do something makes me not want to do it. Likewise, it’s strange how it’s so hard sometimes for me to tell others what I want.

I clearly remember realizing during that first year of marriage how silly this was. At best it was childish; at worst, irrational. I should be happy when someone I love tells me what makes them happy. And how can I expect to get what I want if I’m not willing to ask for it?

Well, knowing and doing are two different things.

On the first score, I think I’ve actually done pretty well in my life thus far. I’m usually happy when people tell me what they expect of me.

(Incidentally, this the the best management advice I’ve ever gotten: The most important thing to do as manager is to let your employees know exactly what is expected of them.)

On the second score, I’ve never done as well. My inferiority complex has always led me to just “deal” whenever my own needs, wants, or expectations aren’t met. Instead, I just try to fill them myself whenever I can.

Amphibophobia

...or It’s not that easy being—ew!

Wake up. Walk into bathroom. Lift the lid on the toilet.

Long ago I got in the habit of not only putting the seat down but the lid as well. Not out of any attempt at domestic peace. Mainly from—at the time—having a small bathroom with the toilet right next to the sink and not wanting anything to accidently fall in there.

Lift the lid on the toilet. Staring up at me is a frog—or maybe a toad, I don’t take the time to access—the size of my fist.

Close the lid.

I flush several times and peek. Gone. Still, I leave the house with a heavy weight on the lids of both toilets.

Come home from work. Peek.

It’s back.

What do I do? What do I do?

I check the clean-out outside. The lid is on.

What do I do? What do I do?

I’ll just go ahead and get it out.

There I am with a bucket with a tight fitting lid, a plunger, and a broom. I open the lid.

It seems I have an irrational fear of hopping amphibians that come out of the sewer.

I put the weights back on the toilets and wait until morning.

“How may we help you?”

“I have a frog in my toilet.”

“Please hold on a minute. I’ll have to check about that as I haven’t heard of it before.”

...wait...

“Sir, I’m sorry. We don’t handle amphibians.”

“Can you recommend somebody?”

“Let me check with my supervisor.”

...wait...

“No, sir. I’m sorry.”

Maybe you should call yourselves, “a-few-very-specific-types-of-pest control”.

The conversation with the plumber was shorter. And very amusing. For him. I stressed that my biggest concern was to ensure that no other animals would be coming in this way. He said there was nothing he could do.

The rest of the calls were no more helpful.

So, after a trip to the drug store for some latex gloves, I finally did it. The frog—or toad—is out of the house.

But now I’m going to be even more sure to keep the lids closed.

the photographic evidence

Separation

My wife of nine years, Andrea, moved out this weekend. It’s officially a separation, but she’s made it pretty clear our marriage is over.

Let the record show, I love her and always have. I still remember the day we met. I was always faithful. I tried to always put her first. I wanted to grow old with her. I promised “until death do us part” and I was committed to that. Not because I promised, but because I loved her enough to promise her that.

Since I learned that she was unhappy around the first of the year, I’ve learned a lot of mistakes that I made. Given my limited experience and what I knew, I think I did my best. Perhaps not.

Once I did know that she was unhappy, I certainly did my best to save the marriage. We found no differences that I believe were irreconcilable. But, as our marriage counselor was wont to say, it takes two yeses but only one no. My best wasn’t good enough.

I know I’ll survive. I know I’ll move on. I expect I’ll love again. I know I have friends and family who love me.

But right now, none of that matters, because my heart is broken. I failed in the one thing I wanted to do in life: Make Andrea happy. I failed to give my children a happy, whole home.

Edit: There is now a follow-up.

Parent survey

What frustrates your child?

I’m not sure, but what frustrates me is these questionnaires full of questions I don’t know how to answer that his teachers alway send home.

Open minds

I get so sick of people assuming I don’t have an open mind.

By expressing an opinion, I am usually inviting challenges. If I didn’t want to hear counter opinions, I wouldn’t have bother expressing my opinion.

In fact, most of the opinions I express are the direct result of me expressing an opinion, hearing counter opinions, and changing my opinion based on such discussions.

Yeah, I know I can improve my communication skills. I’m working on that. But this is my blog, so I’m hear to rant. ^_^

(I used to spend way too much time (probably still do a lot) carefully choosing my wording in online communication only to be misread anyway. >_<)

Instead of accusing me of being close-minded, be open-minded about me! OK?