Reconciliation

The past few weeks I've been a little bit depressed. Mainly feeling down as a friend of mine sought my help and listening ear about her marital problems. I couldn't help but feel down as well as I was being updated about their life. It was very emotionally draining. I am sympathetic towards what happened to her, but found myself hitting rock bottom as well in terms of psychological well-being. I don't know if that makes sense, but I went to back to a black hole in my past, where I could legitimately feel bad and sad. There is only one thing from my past that could make me feel like that. I missed my mom. The last time I saw her (after yeaarrsss) was more than 4 years ago, when I made a trip to my sister's home. My sister, after much persuasion, contacted Mak and we met, and had quite a memorable time together. It was followed by a quick day trip to Perak, where Mak then lives. I wrote about it here.

I was living in Saudi Arabia then, we communicated a bit on the phone (maybe 2 phone calls in all) and then lost in touch. I moved to Dubai and she changed numbers. My half-sister and me exchanged a short email and then it stopped. Mailbox full and stuff like that. Since I now visit Singapore only once a year, I made sure every 2nd year, I keep in touch with the Malaysian folks. So last year was it. I called my elder sis and found out that she was in labor. Without hesitation, I booked the earliest flight to K.L to visit her and the new addition. I spent 3 days/2night there despite having no place to stay and in the middle of Ramadhan. Kids just started fasting that year too, but they came along and complained little. We put up at a hotel in P.J. I could not get in touch with any friends except blogger friends turn kampung friends @Elisa Taufik and Sazlin@Blaberella. I could not get in touch with Mak, my sis did not have her contact number as well. She promised that she will get it for me though, and she did. She emailed me a number that belonged to my half sibling, but it was, again, a number not in use. It didn't help that around the same time, my daughter Salma was trying to draw up a family tree and she didn't know what names to fill in for my mom and dad. I don't blame her, It's complicated.

Less than a week ago my elder sis emailed me with the latest update on Mak. Through grapevine, she found out that Mak is now remarried with a pak imam from her kampung. I found that not surprising as Mak is still quite young. (I estimated that she is around 49 years old today). I was anxious to get in touch with Mak, and started to look up my half-siblings on - where else - Facebook. I don't even know their real fullnames to be honest, and I can hardly remember what my late stepdad's name was either. But the email addy that I had from 4 years ago was a good lead. It lead me straight to my half sister's FB a/c, although I wasn't really sure it was indeed her. I was right to suspect as she had put up her friend's pic on the profile in jest. Immediately my "friend request" was accepted and I found her on my wall with "kak Ruby!!!", I was elated. Through her, I found the other, and another "Kak Ruby...!" on my wall. Then the brother and then another sister. 4 out of 5. Alhamdulillah. All found within 2 days. I immediately asked for my mom's number and braced myself to call her. The eldest one amongst them was not there, but I understand that he is not IT savvy.

I called her the very next day. It was nerve-wrecking. I always fear of being rejected. What if she don't welcome my phone call, or not at all interested in my updates or my trials to connect? She answered and sounded happy to hear from me. She asked about my kids. I asked her if she had gotten married, she retorted, "siapalah nak ngan maak..". It was a short phone call when she ended the conversation with "Mak kat luar ni, nanti petang call lagi...". I put down the phone, and admit that I was a little sad. I tried calling her the next day... and the next... "nombor yang anda dial di luar kawasan perkhidmatan......" Did she cut off her line? Maybe she is avoiding me?". Needless to say, I was feeling depressed, and then the song from the currently much talked about movie "Ombak Rindu" seems to fit my situation....

"Tuhan, tolong lembutkan hati dia
Untuk terimaku seadanya
Kerna ku tak mampu
Kerna ku tak sanggup
Hidup tanpa dia di sisiku"

Corny kan? What to do. It does feel like that.

I was on facebook almost all the time after that, looking at my siblings pictures, seeing how much they've grown since I last saw them, more than 10 years ago. They all look different now. I wanted to know about them, what they are doing now, if they are attached/married. I wrote a message to them, being emo as usual...it was quite long.

"Salam adik2 ku yang ku sayangi dan ingati selalu,
no words can express how happy i am to be reconnected with you all. seeing all your pictures, your life ; gives me a chance to catch up with the times we had lost. i think im lucky to have had the chance to get to know all of you back when I was in Malaysia. You were all so nice and adorable back then and I can't help but fall in love with each one of you. Timing and situation was bad then for me, hence we parted ways, but i always remember the kindness of your dad, Allahyarhamuh. So happy to catch up with mak few years back, and met Nadia, Iman and Joey Alhamdulillah. I intend to go back this march for a short trip with the kiddos, so InshaAllah I'll plan something for us. Hopefully we can meet up and catch up. I tried calling mak on the number nadia gave, got her once, dapat cakap sekejap saje as she was outside she said, but now bila cuba lagi tak dapat plak. i'll try again anyhow. if you all have whatssapp, add me on ok. my number here in Dubai is +XXX XXXXXXX. I most welcome you to Dubai should you plan to travel to the Middle East anytime.

Salam from me,
your sister"

Again, their reply was short and curt. They talked about them coming to Dubai and very light stuff. Maybe I'm hoping someone would tell me what happened, explain the stuffs I didn't understand about my life, fill in the blanks, solve the mysteries. None of that happened. We added each other on Whatsapp and chatted on our devices today. It was nice, very casual but intimate. I also told them that I could not get hold of Mak, and they explained that Mak was holidaying somewhere in Cameron Highlands where the reception was bad... *Phewww...Alhamdulillah* I felt relieved. I definitely will try to call her again soon. InshaAllah.

I now know where everybody is. I feel complete and at peace, to say the least. With FB, I hope to be in touch with my siblings for years to come. And hopefully soon, we will all meet in the flesh.

My family tree currently looks like this...

(stepdad) ______________ (stepmom)
Pakcik Man ------ Mak | Abah -----------Makcik Siti
_______::::::::::: ___________::::::::_____________

Joey ::::::::::::::::::::: Nor Rita :::::::::::Muhaimi
Nissa::::::::::::::::::: ME:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Nadia
Nabila
Aiman

My Mak and Abah had me and my elder Sis Nor Rita. They divorced after I was born and mom left and remarried to Pakcik Man and they had 5 kids - who are my half-siblings of the same mom. Abah married long after to a divorcee with 4 kids, and had 1 son from her, my younger bro, Muhaimi. So total siblings 8, if include stepmom's kids, 12. Big family huh? Ironic cos we don't really know each other. I am, however, very fortunate to be the only one who have lived with both parents and therefore got to know my siblings closely. Alhamdulillah. I am also the only one from my mom whose name did not start with "N" like the rest of my girl siblings. I wonder what would that be if my mom had the chance to name me instead. (I was named by my late paternal grandpa). Her name, of course, starts with "N".

This chapter is closed. At least, I hope so.



Pic taken almost 4 years ago in 2008.
Mak and my son

p/s : The very first time I met her was when I had an accident and fractured my leg in the late 80s. She visited me with her late husband (after a phonecall from my guardians about the accident). I sat at a corner and tried to sketch her face on a drawing pad. I was desperate to retain her image in my mind.

Alhamdulillah for cameras and technology!