Happy Birthday Carter!

So today is Carter's birthday - my baby brother. I say "my baby brother" because that's how I've always thought of him. I was four years old when he was born, and I remember very vividly his crib being in my room for a year or two when things were a little squished at home. I was in heaven because I had a real, live baby doll to take care of at night, to feed bottles to, and to dress up in my cute little doll clothes :)

If you know Carter at all, then you know that he's one of the funniest, coolest, most laid back guys around. He can honestly quote any line from any funny movie you've ever seen, and will have you laughing so hard your stomach hurts at some of his one-liners. He's very mellow, rarely looses his cool and even though he's a tall, strong guy, he would never hurt a fly. He gives the absolute best bear hugs around and sometimes that's all you need to turn your bad day into good.

When we were little, Bryan used to put Carter and I through hell with his teasing and poking and regular beatings that occurred when Mom and Dad weren't looking. So Carter, being the little brother, mostly took it in the chin and learned early on that it was just easier to suffer through and that eventually Bryan would get distracted when Night Rider or The A-Team came on and Carter could find some peace.

But one night .... on this one, glorious night - Carter fought back. Mom and Dad were out on a date and had left me in charge to babysit. I was probably twelve, Bryan 10 and Carter was eight. After making a complete mess of the kitchen fixing our dinner of Kraft Mac N Cheese with hot dogs, Cheetos, bologna sandwiches, Mom's Tab (sweet nectar) and some of Dad's secretly hidden Oreos, we retired to the family room to play a few rounds of "Slip-n-Slide" .... putting on Dad's tube socks and running full speed down the hall and then sliding across the linoleum kitchen floor.

We soon became bored with that game and decided to move on to sliding down the stairs in our sleeping bags. After I took my first turn, it was Carter's turn to slide down. But apparently standing behind Carter at the top of the stairs was just too tempting for Bryan, and he couldn't help but shove Carter down the stairs. As Bryan stood at the top of the stairs laughing and I was on my way back up the stairs, Carter lay crying in a heap at the bottom of the stairs, fists clenched - his body beginning to shake - his sobs now turning to complete, utter rage. I'll never forget the look on Bryan's face when he went from pointing and laughing at Carter to astonishment as he saw Carter start charging up the stairs - face purple with anger - shouting "I'm gonna KILL you guys!!!!" Bryan grabbed me and we bolted for the hallway bathroom, slammed the door and locked it..... and waited. We could hear Carter slow up at the end of the hallway, sniffling ... shaking .... hyperventilating. Bryan started to laugh again, and that was all she wrote ..... Carter came charging down the hall and kicked a huge hole in the bathroom door. From that moment on, Bryan and I had a whole new respect for Carter ..... and life, for Carter, improved greatly!

I'm so proud to call Carter my brother. Not only is he an amazing father to three beautiful boys and a devoted husband to his awesome wife Amy, he is one of the most loyal, faithful people I know. He's been there for me through thick and thin and has been the kind of uncle to my daughters most little girls can only dream of having.

He struggled quite a bit in high school, and it was pretty scarry there for awhile when I started to not recognize the kid I grew up with. When he was just 16 years old, he had the courage to change his life and try to turn things around by agreeing to go work hard labor on a pineapple farm in Hawaii for six months in an effort to try to sober up and get his life back on track. I know my parents will tell you to this day that putting him on that airplane was the hardest decision they've ever made. But Carter did it, and true to form, he didn't complain. I remember being so scared for him as I watched his tall, skinny body walk down the airport terminal alone .... wondering if he would ever really be okay?

Well, you know that the story ends well .... he came home, graduated from high school (thanks to Mom!) got his Eagle Scout, successfully served a mission in Eugene, Oregon, attended the U, married his true love in the temple and now has a great job that he loves and serves in the Elders Quorum in his ward.

I'm so blessed to have him in my life and to call him my brother. Happy Birthday Cart - I love you like crazy!

Halle Says The Darndest Things

Just had to write this down before I forget:

The girls and I were driving home from soccer practice and talking about how cool it was that some of the Real soccer players were at their practice tonight and signed their water bottles.

"Dad's going to think that is so cool!" Annie said.

"Yeah," Kate said, "he's not EVEN going to believe it!"

Then Halle pipes up from the back seat (still dressed in her poofy tutu and tights from dance class with her sunglasses on)

"yep ..... he's going to crack out, alright!"

I think she meant "freak out"...... hahaha!

Happy Birthday Farkus .... I Mean Bryan

 

I just noticed the other day that I did a pretty crappy job of finishing my "31 days of Gratitude" assignment I started, like two years ago. I've now decided that as long as the 31 days are completed before I die, technically my commitment will be met.

Today I'm grateful for my brother Bryan (and not just because it's his birthday tomorrow.) Bryan is two years younger than me and for as long as I can remember he's always been around .... in my face ... for good or bad. I don't remember my life without Bryan in it. Most of my memories of him as a baby and toddler are good. Everyone agreed that he was a pretty good, sweet little kid. I couldn't say his name when I was two years old, so I called him "Pooder," and still do, which we unfortunately found out a few years ago is apparently a Spanish word for a female body part?

Anywhoo ....

Somewhere between 7-9 years old, Bryan morphed from my sweet, pudgy little brother into "Farkus" (you know, the awful bully from the classic movie A Christmas Story?) Farkus: my absolute nemesis and doer of all things sinister and obnoxious in our home. He even looked like Farkus there for awhile .... shaggy strawberry-blond hair, freckles, crazy teeth and had that same laugh that sent chills down my spine every time it echoed through the house. He would do everything from pull (no, wait - YANK) my hair constantly, to leave dried up dog poo under my bed covers, to random punches in the stomach or arm as we passed in the hall, to hanging up on anyone who ever called for me, and the list goes on and on. Carter (my brother 4 years younger than me) and I had to hang tough there together during those years .... and it wasn't easy for either of us, believe me!

But then,the heavens eventually opened, and Farkus slowly disappeared into the ether and was replaced with "Ferris" - the brother who's life is quite similar to Ferris Bueller - things pretty much always go his way. Yes, there were times that I felt like the annoyed older sister, hellbent on disrupting his oh-so-perfect life. But for the most part, I liked Ferris .... he was such a welcome change from Farkus, that none of us were about to complain.

The short version of the story is that somehow, someway ... Bryan went from being someone I loathed to being one of my very best friends in the whole world. He has grown into such an amazing husband, father, friend, uncle, and son that I find myself beaming with pride anytime I get to talk about my brother Bryan.

Ever since high school, I've always known that Bryan had my back, and he knew I had his. He's been more like a big brother to me for the past 20 years - fiercely loyal and protective, always concerned about making sure that I had anything I needed - especially now as a single mom.

Last summer, amidst all of the chaos in my life with the divorce and moving, he would check in with me on a daily basis, helping financially, emotionally, and physically moving the girls and I to Salt Lake and making sure we were okay. After we'd been settled here at my parents for a few weeks, he came up to visit for a night and as he was leaving the next morning, had a sticky note for me with a list of things he wanted me to do the next day, which included opening an account at his bank so that he could easily transfer money to me if I ever needed it, and also to go get a suspicious mole checked on my shoulder that he had noticed when we were at the pool earlier that summer. Even though I was crazy busy with starting a new full-time job and dealing with the divorce, I knew Bryan would bug me about that mole because he had just had one removed a few months back and it was, indeed, Melanoma - which runs in the family between siblings.

I did get it checked, and it turned out mine was Melanoma as well. My doctor at Huntsman Cancer asked me what made me come in to get it checked, and when I told him my little brother insisted, he said "well you need to thank him ... he just might have saved your life if you had let that thing go several years."

So today, I'm grateful for Bryan, and Pooder, and Ferris, and even Farkus .... for saving my life in so many ways, and for teaching me to always keep my chin up and remember that the Farkus's of the world eventually do go away :)

This year Mommy took the easy way out and we had their party at a pizza place. At least I thought it would be easier since I wouldn't have to clean up. I forgot about how much fun it would be to try to keep track of seven crazed 9 year olds running all around ... herding cats comes to mind. At least they had fun and birthday week is over now - thank heavens!

You're Only 8 Once

Me: "So how are you girls feeling about turning 9 years old tomorrow?"

Annie: "hmmm ..... nervous, and excited."

Me: "Why nervous?"

Annie: "I don't know ........ like, I just wonder if I used my time well, ya know? I mean, you're only 8 once ..... you really gotta make it count these days."

Kate: "Yeah, and I really loved being 8 cause it was the year I got baptized and it was the best year of my life."


Wow ..... had to move away from school and friends in St. George, parents get divorced, sharing a room with your sisters in your grandparents basement for a year, missing half of your toys and a home of your own .......... and she says it's the best year of her life.

Oh man, I love these girls so much it hurts!!!

Pay It Forward

You know those days when you feel like you're just a tiny, busy little ant scrambling around the world - unnoticed, insignificant? Punching the time clock of life, same thing day in and day out? I know, I know ... we're all special, all children of God, I know. But I also know that you know exactly what I'm talking about. And today was just such a day for me ..... until I got to the check out line at WalMart.

Eric had the girls tonight and I had stopped in to get Halle's birthday gifts for tomorrow (can't believe my baby's turning 5!) I actually wasn't feeling too hot and was anxious to get through the checkout line and get home, when I realized that I had made the fatal mistake of picking the absolute longest, slowest checkout line in the store - maybe on the planet! So I parked myself on my shopping cart, pulled out my Iphone to check email and made myself comfortable. I was committed to sticking it out in this line if it was the last thing I ever did.

The lady ahead of me started to unload her 576 items onto the checkout belt, and I, of course, sighed. After 10 minutes or so had gone by, I looked up from my phone to see how everything was moving along, and I noticed that the woman had a toddler with her, and also noticed that they both seemed a little disheveled. After a few more minutes, when it came time for her to pay, I saw her pull out her WIC coupons. A year ago I wouldn't have even known what those were or what they looked like, but as soon as I saw them I felt an instant tug at my heart.

After our sudden move back to Salt Lake from St. George last summer and Eric moved out, I had literally no money to my name. No credit cards, no real help from Eric yet and had to accept help from family and friends, which was so unbelievably hard - words can't even describe....

So as I set about trying to get a decent full-time job as quickly as I could, I was told that I should at least sign up for WIC coupons for free milk, veggies, cereal, etc. which is available to families with children under five. So I did. I didn't know how long our situation would be that grim, and I would do anything for my girls, no matter how humiliating it seemed at the time. I remember how embarrassed I felt when I had to pull them out and how awful it was when you had the wrong brand and they made you go back and get the right one. Well that's what was happening to the lady in front of me, which was now causing everyone to wait even longer than they already had.

Then to make matters worse, she went to go pay for the rest of her groceries and her debit card didn't go through because she couldn't remember the pin number. She ended up having to wait off to the side to call someone at home to get the right pin number, and the cashier had me go ahead and ring my stuff up.

After I paid, I'd been line line so long that I asked the cashier if she could watch my cart for a minute while I ran to the restroom real quick (I'd polished off my water bottle before I went in the store and it was catching up to me!) I started thinking to myself as I entered the restroom "if that lady's still there when I get back and hasn't been able to pay for her groceries, I need to pay for them for her."

So I hurried and when I came back out, she was gone, and I was bummed. I felt like I missed my chance. I then had a distinct impression come over me that if I see her again, I need to help her. I went out to the parking lot and couldn't see her anywhere. I got to my car and started loading my stuff in, bummed that I'd missed my chance. Then I noticed her there .... unloading groceries into her car that was parked right next to me on the passenger side of my car.

I hurried and fished through my purse, pulled out the $100 WalMart gift card that some anonymous friend or neighbor gave us for Christmas that I've been saving for a rainy day, and ran over to her. I told her it was for her - not from me, but from someone who cares about moms like us. I told her I'd been where she is and that she's very loved, and before we knew it we were standing there hugging and crying. I hurried and ran and got in my car and drove away. I didn't want her to know my name or anything. I just wanted her to feel the amazing, unconditional love that I felt when that card was given to me.

So thank you Secret Santas, wherever you are, for giving me, and now that other mom .... hope, and a chance to pay it forward

Stupid Boy

Halle and I were driving in the car yesterday, running errands and singing along to her favorite Justin Bieber songs, when the cd switched to our favorite country cd mix. The song "Stupid Boy" by Keith Urban came on and we were listening, and I found my self singing along to the words.



I heard this song for the first time a few weeks ago when Amy and I were driving home from St. George in her car. I don't know why I have never heard this song before, but needless to say, it hit pretty close to home for me and pretty much sums everything up. Especially the line towards the end:

It took awhile
for her to figure out
that she could run
and when she did
she was .... long gone ..... long gone


But the part that gets me every time is the very end, which you could easily miss because the song almost sounds like it's over, but then at the end, you hear him sing with so much emotion and feeling that you find yourself wishing the girl would just take him back - no matter what he did:

Oh, nobody's ever gonna love me like she loved me
And she loved me, she loved me
God please just let her know I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry baby
Yeah, I'm down on my knees
She's never comin' back to me

Problem is, I never heard or felt those words from a certain boy at the end. So here I sit .... still a little bit in shock that I'm here .... alone .... hating the whole dating thing ..... missing being married so bad it hurts.

Then, as we're listening to the song Halle says "Mom, we don't say 'stupid."

"You're right Halle, we don't," I say, but in my heart I'm thinking "but what if it's the only word that fits?"

Stupid, stupid boy ......

Well she was precious like a flower
She grew wild, wild but innocent
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour
She was everything beautiful and different
Stupid boy...you can't fence that in
Stupid boy...it's like holdin' back the wind

She laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice
And that's what happens when the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
Stupid boy
Stupid boy

So what made you think you could take a life
And just push it, push it around
I guess to build yourself up so high
You had to take her and break her down
Oh...

She laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice
And that's what happens when the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
You stupid boy

Oh you always had to be right
And now you've lost the only thing that ever made you feel alive

She laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice
And that's what happens when the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
You stupid boy
Oh, I'm the same old, same old stupid boy

It took a while for her to figure out she could run but when she did she was long gone, long gone

Oh she's gone
She's long gone
Yeah she is
Yeah, ohhh

Oh, nobody's ever gonna love me like she loved me
And she loved me, she loved me
God please just let her know I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry baby
Yeah, I'm down on my knees
She's never comin' back to me

Sneaky Halle

Had to write this down before I forget:

This morning I was in the bathroom doing my make-up for work, and the girls were all still asleep in their room, or so I thought .....

Next thing I know, I notice Halle standing there in the dark hallway, her cute little squishy body standing on her tip toes with her finger to her nose.

"Good morning Halle," I say, "How was your sleep? What did you dream about?"

Halle responds "ssshhhh Mom ...... don't look at me. I'm sneaking up on you." I love it!

This is a picture of Halle yesterday before we went on her preschool field trip to the dinosaur museum. We had to grab a birthday present for Josh at our favorite store in the whole wide world - Target. I can't tell you how much I miss just hangin out with her every day while the girls were at school, running errands, doing chores, going to playgroups, cooking dinner - whatever. Yesterday felt so decadent to be with her, at Target at 10am on a Wednesday morning .... oh, the little things I used to take for granted

Fading Away ....

Today I was sitting with Halle in sacrament meeting, looking at her hands and the beautiful little dimples on her knuckles. It seems like they're disappearing even faster than Annie and Kate's did, which makes me sad. I guess only a parent understands the knots I have in my stomach every time I think about how fast she's growing up, wondering if I've taken the time to appreciate how magical this age is, and knowing deep down that I haven't ... that I could have done more with her, slowed down a little and kissed those dimples just a few more times before they disappear.

Running Around In My Dreams

The other day I was listening to one of my favorite songs by Tyrone Wells, and I started to get a little sad thinking about Valentine's Day coming up and how hard it is to be alone. But I realized that although I'm not the girl in this song anymore and don't know if I ever will be to someone again, I have three beautiful girls who were "running around in my dreams" for years. I wanted to have kids so badly and didn't know why it wasn't happening or if it ever would. But we took a chance (or two) and have been in love with these girls since the moment I saw their faces over that c-section curtain. I don't want to waste another second being sad when I have these three beautiful miracles in my life!





Lyrics:

It was one of those moments
When everything changes
She was climbing out of Chevrolet
On the passenger's side
I must have been staring
'Cuz when I caught her eye
It seemed like
I had been looking at her
For all of my life.

So I said
Why don't you come and go with me?
Somehow I know I've waited my life to see
You standing there
With the wind in your hair
I'm as sure as a boy could be
You are the girl that's been running around in my dreams
You are the girl that's been running around in my dreams

(Hey)

Once in a lifetime does not happen again
So I took a chance in a Gambler's game
Put my heart on the line
Maybe I'm crazy but I'll never regret
What is it to a girl I knew before we even met

And I said
Why don't you come and go with me?
Somehow I know I've waited my whole life to see
You standing there
With the wind in your hair
I'm as sure as a boy could be
You are the girl that's been running around in my dreams