Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, doesn't have a swelled head, doesn't force itself on others, isn't always "me first."

- 1 Corinthians 13:4-5, THE MESSAGE

pingy

dear God I must confess
that sometimes You seem far away
sometimes i forget about
how i stand because of grace

but Lord there's been a change in me
a change i hope will stay
for this is my prayer today

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this is the 3rd time i've forgotten my keys!!
i could have reached home like 2 hours ago, took a warm bath and be cosily tucked in bed right here, right now.
one of the little sacrifice i'm making just ain't working too well eh. but i'll just try again. i'll get used to this. nothing is too hard when we compare it to what He had been through. its funny why somehow when something bad happens, the rest just come to you all at once as well. you know what i mean? its like for example. when it's raining, its already bad enough that you've forgotten your umbrella. but no, some car had to drive past and splash it all over you. haha. like some series of unfortunate events magnet. what could i do really? i guess i'll just laugh about it. haha.

sooo bad. i was kept awake by the pain.
drifting in and out of dreams of a broken light bulb.
wanted to sleep in.
but the pain was just soo bad.
i need to go buy lozenges right now.

uh oh. horrid sore throat came out of no where.
my temperature's rising too.
i think its cos i got caught in the rain twice today. bad bad.
what a good reason to sleep in. aha.
but i cant. its the longest day with all 4 lectures tmr. =[

this sem is starting to scare me a bit really.
there will be a lot of sacrifices i would have to make.
i will lose much of what i once held on to.
there would be no more comfort zones.
and things that i never wanted to do, i would have to, soon.

you know. it just scares me. it does.

for now, i just gotta pray and believe i'm well e moment i wake up. i hate being sick.

all the front i've been putting up.
i never felt so liberated. so empowered.

i knew i needed this jog.
to channel all negative thoughts/energy out and away.
to feel the heartbeat of Him again.

just had a hot bath and man was it good.
now its time for a warm drink. =D

just another day actually.

took the train in Perth for the first time in my life today. super sakai(suaku).
cos we were making our way down to koorong after school.
i guess it wld be cooler if the ride was longer.

then there was choir practice.
and we had to smile.
but i'm finding it hard to.
sometimes i really wish i could snap my fingers and make myself disappear.
den i wun have to put up a front and make it seems like i'm holding it all together.
but i know i have more responsibilities than that.

Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you

MUAHAHAHAHA.

i just found out again. that my thought to be every friday 3 hours lab, is only occurring for 3 weeks in the whole semester.

which means...

my friday is a self declared holiday for a big portion of the semester.

3 days week for an engineer!? WOW. i better seriously bask in this semester as much as i can before it ends.

and guess wad. this time its a freshie telling me this news. i'm starting my 3rd sem and he is just starting his 1st. i think i should stop being so blur. but hey, thanks!

woke up today.
found myself in a different yet familiar place.
my life in Perth is starting all over again.

i think the internet/computer is a very depressing place for me.
i gonna try my very best to see as little of it as possible.
spend more time on other things instead.

to taste every last bit of being in the comfort of my home..
good food, clean house, fresh clothes, no school work, tv and internet all day long
i ended up sleeping pretty late at 420am. and at 6am i got woken up because i couldn't sleep after the alarm rang, and i had to prepare to go to the airport.

i'm better at saying good byes now.
i finally hugged my parents and took photos like how youngsters do nowadays (you know the stretch your hand as far as you can to capture all 3 faces in one frame? the one lowell is most pro at?) aha. cos usually one person is always missing cos he/she is the photographer.

as usual, dun want to lugi, so i watched 2.5 movies (0.5 accounts for the unfinished '21' i was watching on my flight back to singapore) and tadah, landed on a Perth on a rainy day. its depressing. i flew gloomy and landed gloomy. it makes me feel all gloomy.

anyway, i reached my 2nd home and i started sweeping and vacuuming my room, laying out the mat for cold winter and unpacking my stuff. den i had to quickly bathe and rush to combined cell.

pretty many surprises i got. indeed i'm being loved more than i ever imagined. i was actually taken aback. can u imagine it? i used to be this someone who thought nobody liked her because she was quiet and pretty anti-social. kinda still am, but really, i never thought. i figure this cell is gonna be great, i'm gonna grow, i'm gonna help. i'm gonna be all that i can be.

and i just checked my timetable. i am given all my first preferences! i am free on tuesday!! (well, self-declared) and i end before 3 almost everyday. seriously? i am not believing so many things but they happened and are happening, right before my eyes. first my grades, now this. the reason i know why His grace is sufficient for me. becos its definitely not my effort.

the only thing not done is that i have yet to change my bed sheet and pillow cases. ahhh. but i'm sooo tired. i shall be dirty pig tonight. yawns.

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

Your grace is sufficient for me
Your strength is made perfect
When I am weak
All that I cling to
I lay at Your feet
Your grace is sufficient for me

Thank you guys for forever welcoming me home.
making me feel loved even tho its just a short 4 weeks.
now i have to say goodbye again.
its kinda sad, but what can i do?
life always have a way of helping us decide stuff.
so adios. so long again friends.

aha. i sound so emo.
but wad i really want to say is, take good care of yourself and i'll miss ya'll aight!

my stomach feels cold.
and earlier last night, i felt like i couldn't breathe again.
this weight upon my chest.
feels all too familiar.

its less than a week left.


*i fell asleep after the previous sentence.
my mum scolded me for leaving the laptop and handphone at the foot of my bed this morning.
and i told her my legs were not long enough to kick it. skeelarious. yawns.

i realised from the list of my favourite movies, my favourites are those of super heroes.

i still remember how i made spiderman my boyfriend when i was in secondary 2. haha. silly.

there is always much to learn,
great quotes from the people around them,
and choices and sacrifices they have to make.

its actually sad sometimes.
but i guess thats why its so awesome to see how they emerge as heroes in the end.

i don't know if the dark knight is gonna be great for you, but it was great for me.

time to sleep.

can it capture beyond the smiles?

i am officially gonna declare that the chances of me getting back into my old pants are less than 50%.

cos i am so sure the meat at my ass is definitely lesser than before.
but yet the pants that used to slip off my butt when i pulled without unbuttoning is now either TIGHT, or barely able to reach my waist (in other words, STUCK)

which means my hips grew (according to my nurse friend)
which means its the bone structure that's growing
which means i prolly cant fit into my pants just by losing fats
which means bye bye to all my favourite pants.

i think i'm gonna cry. T_T

silly me.
my friend just told me an awesome news.
my thought to be 9 tutes is actually only 3!
muahahahaha.

so its 21 hours per week only!

and my friend is actually one of the orientation freshie under the group i led.
what a leader i am.
dweebo.

i guess i can never escape the horrible timetable. 27 hours per week!

i have a 9-5 no break Wednesday again.
but this time... it's worse.
along came the 9-5 with 1 hour break Friday
and the 11-5 no break Monday.
that makes the 10-3 no break Thursday oh so bearable.

should i re-plan my timetable and just slot Tuesdays into the picture? because i don't know how i am gonna survive what i've listed above.



*edited

ok.
plan 2 goes...

Mon 11-3 no break
Tues 10-3 with 1h break
Wed 9-5 with 1h break
Thurs 10-3 no break
Fri 9-5 with 1h break

this kinda makes the torturous plan 1 sounds better than plan 2. ahahahaha.
if u were me, which wld u choose?

somebody save me!

i was drinking water just now.
den i had the urge to sneeze.
and usually i wld pinch my nose and close my mouth to avoid the mess of my saliva flying all over the place; the effect of that usually feels like an internal explosion.
so my first reaction was to do just that.
and guess what happened next?
the water squirted out from my mouth like the blowholes on the top of whales.
i think the pressure was too much for my mouth to take. lol.
hillary. i laughed at myself. silly.

woohoo. i just found out that the activation and monthly subscription fee for pay as u roam is free for starhub. i too asked the guy on the phone if there are any charges to receive an sms. he said no. and i take his word for it. =S so u guys can sms me on my singapore number and it will be counted under your free sms if i'm not wrong. free for me and you! so ya'll don't have to worry bout the cost when contacting me!

i think.
ahahahaha.

i can't be sure till the bills come eh.
there are just too many fine prints in all these business plans that are just oh too confusing for me.

if i was tad bit stronger, i wish i could punch the wall and make it crumble.
then i can hear it crack, and watch it fall.

it would hurt.

but less than this.

Pigs do not have functional sweat glands, so pigs cool themselves using water or mud during hot weather.

well well. who came up with the phrase 'sweating like a pig'? i wonder. hahaha. okok. the thought to google/wiki about pigs came about cos i've been sweating like a pig here in singapore! its soooo humid!

lol. sorry piggies. i think they are such a misunderstood bunch of animals, being accused of all the grossest things just cos they snort and fart. tsk tsk to u mean ppl out there. i can so relate to them, so pls spare a thought for them before using their name any-o-how-ingly ok. lol.

hmmm. so.. i have not accomplished much except sleeping, watchin the tv and shopping. but i did learn how to play a few songs (the introduction) on the piano off youtube ok! i sure do learn better this way, rather than reading the tau-gays on the zebra crossings.
you know just like how that girl in 'heroes' who was able to imitate whatever she sees?
you can so learn soooo many things off youtube. u know that?? wow.

i think i'm slowly finding the joy.
the joy by which remains no matter what crap circumstances i am in.

i'm tired of thinking.
cos no matter how i think, i always end up finding excuses for myself, and i'll never get out of it.
just like a sick cycle carousel.
if i said i have surrendered. i have to mean it.
and i'll have to accept the path He laid for me.
no turning back,
no turning back.

easier said than done.
but i gotta keep trying.
it takes time,
but one day i'm gonna get it.

my 'weird to me but normal to ppl' lifestyle continues. its barely 12am and i'm feeling tired already.
thats becos i woke at like 8plus today? hahahah. this is CRAZY man. i never had that much time in a day before. i realised i could do so much more. wow.

but i bathed tonight. so i dun think i'll be up too early tmr. ahahaha.

cos recently i would just delay bathing until i flop face flat in front of my com on the floor dead tired without bathin. then i wld transfer myself to the bed in the middle of the night. and the reason i get up so early is cos i feel so sticky and gross to a point i have to wake to bathe.

yuckss. i'm sooo gross. i sooo don't usually sleep without bathing!!!
alright. good nighty people.

ahahahahah. i love these 2 photos the most. the constipated face and the ... face. lol. i duno how to describe the 2nd one. its just too cute. ahahahahaha. makes me laugh all the time.

i carried him first thing after i touch down last monday.
and he didn't cry. woohoo.
i need to see more of him before i go back man.

sometimes i still cant believe my sister has a baby.
time really flies.
and i wonder how my life wld be.

recently i feel like some thought processor.
i watch the tv, i listen to people, i read the news, books... and i just have all these thoughts scrolling in my head. questions, answers, observations, conclusions..

there's just so much in my head. what is it do i really want? what is really needed of me? even so, is it for me to answer? apparently not. because human are really weird. and dumb. just like how Bailey wld say, "the stupidity of the human race". why? cos we often mess things up for ourselves.

i was just packing some stuff in my study and a found a journal i was made to write by my teacher when i was 12. life was so simple. all i talked about was what i did for the day and how it went. the emotions involved were pretty much just like those we learn when we were 3 years old. happy, sad, angry... lol huh. haha.

and of cos, i did realise how fortunate a kid i was (still am).
but i guess to sum it all up, i kinda dislike growing up.

i slept without bathing. so not me.
i woke up at 5+am. all the more not like me.
den i took a bath, did my qt,
and i just finish reading the newspaper.

since i had time before heading to church, here i am, online. thats me for once.

something is going on.
i even had pms yesterday. so not me.
i am acting really strangely recently, it kinda scares me.
i hope i go back to normal soon.
maybe not too normal, but at least more normal than now.

strange.

i just tried tunning a guitar and the string snapped. ahahaha.
the guitar haven't been touched for a long long time thats why. my sister's old guitar.
i need to change all the strings before they start snapping on me one by one.
den i can finally learn how to play!

there are so many things i wana learn.
i hope i accomplish at least a few before the hols end.
which means i have to stop sleeping so much!

i think last night was the night where i drooled the most in one night in my entire life.
i think i had to wake up 3 times to clean a large pool of drool each time.
i think i was really tired.
i got knocked off even before i off-ed the lights.
and i had a dream.

anyway, i woke up this morning to a new 2gb creative mp3 player.
it was a door gift for my mum's dinner and dance.
door gift?? seriously?
wow am i blessed.
now i can carry around 4 times the amt of songs i used to. (512mb currently)
aha. u prolly haven seen that size in years!
oh. but i'll still carry that small little thing.
so i can carry 5 times the amt of songs! =)

now i gotta go wash up from all that dried up drool stuck on me and i don't exactly rmb where. ahahahaha.

its a new day.
and i have joy.
because He lives in me.

come what may.
i have to be strong this time.
once and for all.

19 years i've spent here.
1 year was all it took to make me feel like i don't belong.

things change. people change. maybe i am the one changing.
everyone moves on. and thats the fact of life.

the coins are so small that so many times today they almost slipped off my fingers, and it did. once.
its so odd to see pastries selling for a dollar or two and bowls of noodles for 4-5bucks.
i almost felt like shouting 'thank you' to the bus uncle, but den i remembered.. nobody does it here.

its like i'm trapped. somewhere in between.
stuck in a moment. and i can't get out of it.

adapting can be really exhausting.
it makes me question if i really want to try to make things work.

i can't stop thinking.
i can't pretend that nothing happened.
is it really gonna be alright if i fight hard enough?

the view up there is amazing.
i really like how there are different colours in the sky all at once.
remember i once said how great a scientist God is?
i believe He's a great artist too.

and to be above the clouds,
i just felt so privileged.

but i don't know why.
when the plane descended,
my tears just couldn't stop flowing.
maybe i was closer to gravity.
maybe i was afraid of the things to come.
but i had to stop.
because soon enough, the lights were gonna fill the plane.
and i couldn't hide anymore.

i have to be the person i have to be.
i cant be the person i want to be anymore.
becos selfishness is not a trait.
however much i want it to be.

p.s. - thank u guys for coming. for being there even when it was so far away from home. thank u for being my friends even tho i had been so far away. thank you.