Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, doesn't have a swelled head, doesn't force itself on others, isn't always "me first."

- 1 Corinthians 13:4-5, THE MESSAGE

pingy

dear God I must confess
that sometimes You seem far away
sometimes i forget about
how i stand because of grace

but Lord there's been a change in me
a change i hope will stay
for this is my prayer today

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someday it will all be alright.
just like u said it would be.

someday.

and so i sent some men to fight
and one came back at dead of night
he said he seen my enemy
he said he looked just like me

Reckless words pierce like a sword,
but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
-Proverbs 12:18

i've failed.

We sing ourselves to sleep
Watching the day lie down instead

i never thought the title sounded good. i refused to watch sad soapy dramas after i did some years ago. but.

i figured. i cant sleep.
and since there are only 11 episodes, it probably aint too draggy.
so. why not.

and i just found out that it is based on a true story.
why.. its already bad enough even if it was fiction. sigh.



Aya Kito was diagnosed with a disease called Spinocerebellar ataxia when she was 15 years old. The disease causes the person to lose control over their body, but because the person can retain all mental ability the disease acts as a prison. Aya discovers this disastrous news as the disease has already developed. There is no cure.

why do things like that happen to people.
their pain is never something we can understand.
it makes my world seem so much smaller.
yet my heart aches.

15 hours ago, my life in uni for this semester ended.
i prayed that my exams would end well. and it did.
i could never thank God enough for pulling me thru this horrible horrible time.
not forgetting my dear friends who took time to pray for me.
couldn't have done it without them.

and so. i went home. switched on the tv and slopped myself into my usual position (the bean bag). and i slept right there. but i woke up barely a few hours after. waking up always feel so horrible. its either i feel like i've just survived a car crash, or a heart attack. do u guys ever feel that way too? i so hate waking up.

then i spent the rest of the night packing, packing. my books, notes, bills, sermon notes and whatever is pack-able. now its all neatly packed into files, bags, boxes and on the shelves, put away and out of sight. i wish i could just pack my life as well.

den the headache spells came back again. so i took a hot bath and here i am again with eyes wide open. i think i'm getting used to this. and its so bad. so so bad. =[

Saw the world turning in my sheets
and once again I cannot sleep.
Walk out the door and up the street,
Look at the stars.
Look at the stars, fall down.
And I wonder where, did I go wrong.

here i am. left hanging again.

URGH its 3am and i'm barely there. i have got to got to speed up.

weiping has been having double dinner for 2 nights now.
number one. she's stressed.
number two. she's just greedy.
nono. i think cos its winter. =)

hey peeps back home. my exams end tmr.
so i'll be spending some time hanging around in Perth before i go back.
anything u guys need me to buy, just tag on the right alright?
if its personal, u can mail me. aha.
do it fast ok. cos i may not visit the same place twice. i dun have a car u see. =p
but if u just want junk food, there's a supermarket near my house. so its fine even if u tell me like 3hours before my flight. i think. hahaha.

i am soooo dead i still don't feel like studying and i have a minor headache right now. just pray that i last for another 14 hours ok. cos i'll be burning a whole night oil. yuppers.

God bless!

Entropy is the scientific term used to describe the amount of randomness or disorder in processes and systems.

In general, entropy always has a tendency to increase.

In other words, the universe has a tendency to move towards disorder.

i don't have a least bit mood to study for my last paper.
and the best of news is that i have yet to even touch A BIT of it.
looking at a past year, there seems to be reasons to panic.
but after math, because of the intensity of that paper and the amount of juice i've spent over it, exams just seems to be over.

i'm just staring at the screen. looping my playlist. and just staring. i don't think i'll be sleeping tonight.

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world 

i definitely need to get out of the house tmr. if not i'll never get any studying done.

its gonna be over. its gonna be all over soon.

this has been my favourite instant noodles besides indomee here in Perth. because spicy vermicelli soup just rawks. eg. tom yum! the nx wld be korea's nongshim. instant noodles just taste soooo good. but dun worry. i don't eat it every week or everyday. i have awesome house-mate and friends who cooks for me most of the time. =)

one more paper to go on tues and i haven even touched it yet. last min to the max man. but hey. but i worked hard thru the sem. so i'm justifiable.

i think i've been trying very hard to justify myself recently.
thinking of ways to evade issues.
sitting, waiting, wishing..
just gotta hang on no matter how sweaty/slippery my hands are. and just wait.
giving up right away wld mean falling at the snap of the fingers and crashing all of God's plan.

but sometimes...

i think i'm trying to justify myself again.. it just goes in a huge cycle nowadays with no conclusion. maybe for awhile i do. and den i dive right back into the circle. urgh. i am irritating myself. sometimes i do wana give myself a good beating.

a real good beating.

maybe i shld go piss off some random thugs on the streets. then probably they could give me a real good beating. ahahahaha. i think i've over-used my brain abit too much for too many things i'm going abit insane.. *point fingers at the head give the crazy/kok eye look. (just then, the clock calls. *kuku kuku)

cool! i just found out that Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat sang a song called 'Lucky' earlier this year. and i came across these 2 who did a cover. i think they look cute together. pretty good i must say. aha. =) kinda kept my thoughts off exams for a tiny while. but man. i've got to go back to studying. its 1.40am now and exam's at 9. all the best to me!

When your mind is a mess so is mine I can't sleep
cause it hurts when I think my thoughts aren't at peace
With the plans that we make the chances we take
They're not yours they're not mine
There's waves that can break
All the words that we said and the words that we mean
words can fall short, can't see the unseen
cause the world is awake for somebody's sake
Now please close your eyes
Woman, please get some sleep

and know that if I knew all of the answers
I would not hold them from you
Know all of the things that I know
we told each other there is no other way

Too much silence can be misleading
You're drifting I can hear it in the way that you're breathing
We don't really need to find reason
cause out the same door that it came well it's leaving
It's leaving
Leaving like a day that's done and part of a season
Resolve is just a concept that's as dead as the leaves
But at least we could sleep, it's all that we need
When we wake we would find, our minds would be free
To go to sleep

i had horrible horrible dreams last night.
the first one was about chinese vampires(jiang shi) and e 2nd one was about this haunted house.

u know how u're supposed to hold your breath so the vampire cant see u? its just soo hard to hold ur breath for long if u feel like u're gonna pee in your pants any moment and that the vampire will just strangle u the moment it sees u. it was that close proximity that i felt i couldn't even go for e run. i duno how it ended. but prolly i felt myself drooling so i woke up. aha.

but in the 2nd dream. i had an arm to cling to and a shoulder to lean on. i guess that pretty settles the whole horrible horrible night.

sigh. now its back to horrible horrible math. i rather go back to horrible horrible dreams than extremely real hard reality.

anyway.. that's it.

i almost got KEEELED in the shower.

reason: the water went cold on me HALFWAY on a WINTER's night. midnight to be exact.

i was basically jumping around like a mad cow and squealing like a disjointed pig until the whole ordeal was over.

i'm so glad i have a heater to hug right now.

one day. just one day. i'll take the train and watch the world pass me by as i look through the windows.
not the type of trains in singapore.
but more like the ones in london or ireland.
and when its all over, i wld have reached a new destination. a place where everything is beautiful. just like the world i've seen through the windows.
why did God made so many beautiful things if we aren't able to enjoy them?

i very much want to look back at all these and smile.
but i can't smile now.

i'm slipping off the edge.
but i'm still hanging.
and i don't know if i have any strength left to pull myself up.
='[

there is peace

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. - philippians 4:7

there is hope

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. - romans 15:13

there is a plan

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -jeremiah 29:11

there is Jesus
"...And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." -matthew 28:20


praying his peace surrounds you
his hope fills you
his plan is revealed to you
as Jesus walks with you through this time.

we'll get through this.

I can't be losing sleep over this, no, I can't
And now I cannot stop pacing
Give me a few hours and I'll have this all sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing

'Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

This is over my head but underneath my feet
'Cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy...

=[
never knew how heartaches can be such a caffeine pill.

i think when people are stress.
they tend to blog more.
an outlet to vent.

i feel like i'm gonna have an heart attack soon because i cant breathe.

Oh love in the shadows
Be the light who leads me on
Your love I will follow
Be my guide, Your will be done
Oh Lord

Oh Lord I surrender,
now forever I'll be loved
In the love of the Father,
You are faithful
You are strong
So hold me now,
hold me now, hold me now

i wonder if i put a pan on my heater i can fry an egg.
or at least heat something up.

i'm using the heater as my table right now.
my books are getting hot
but i don't think they'll burn. wld they?
of cos i dun leave it there for good.
if not i wld have crispy toasted notes. aha.
got another idea,
maybe i could toast bread on my heater.

good idea.

i was just sitting in front of the tv.
eating my dinner.
thinking about nothing.
and when i was about to 'kiap' the egg with my chopsticks.
i had this, what i call an 'episode'.
i just suddenly felt sooo sad.
like i cld burst out crying.
but i didn't.
and it went away.

i think i'm really stressed for now.
and that's an understatement.

i can't CONCENTRATE!
maybe i shld get some concentrated juice to drink.
maybe cos its so concentrated and thus probably extremely sweet or sour, it may evoke some studying cells in me. HELP.

ahhhhhh. i almost killed myself/ set my house on fire.

i totally forgot i was boiling porridge and fell asleep.
LUCKY i had to wake someone up and i smelt something funny.
my porridge dried up, almost turning black.

what a close shave.

I'm giving up, I'm letting go
Of everything that I've held onto
Of all the things that I've let hold me
For so long
Lord I know
I need to give You full control
Help me give up, and let go

I want to trust You with my whole heart
Not lean on what I think I understand
And even when I can't see
Jesus, help me still to believe
You're unveiling an unfailing plan

And oh, sometimes the old me creeps back in
And oh, the only thing I know to do is give it all to You again

lectopias are good lullabys.
see. they even rhyme. somehow. lol.

i fell asleep listening to the last chemistry one.
and when i woke up this afternoon to continue..

horror.

i think the lectopia site is down.
error error. HORROR.

up till now.
i thot maybe its just the chemistry one. so i tried clicking physics.
error!

is it only me?

looks like i don't have a lullaby tonight.
so i have to study for good.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH.

i have an exam in 5 days.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

this is not funny.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

this is severe.
its acute.
its an angle.
its not obtused.
its acute.
lesser than 90 degrees.
lesser than a week.
lesser than the hairs on my leg.
mighty morphin power rangers.
captain planet.
johnny bravo.
incoherent.
incoherent light source.
amplitudes.
phase angles..
this is acute.

Auroras are natural colored light displays in the sky.
They are produced by the collision of charged particles from Earth's magnetosphere with atoms and molecules of Earth's upper atmosphere.
The collisions electronically excite atoms and molecules.
The excitation energy can be lost by light emission or collisions.
Different gases interacting with the upper atmosphere will produce different colors, caused by the different compounds of oxygen and nitrogen.

pretty ain't it?
chanced upon this while doing pre-lab for my physics.
i am just amazed at how scientists can stare at these things and come up with some physics/chemistry theory behind it. the solar system and galaxies are all very interesting all together. i wish i could study them in time to come. maybe i'll come to build a telescope just like the one in 'a walk to remember'. just hope what i am studying now come to good use.

looking at these wonders. i can't help but think how great a scientist God is.
He knew, wayyy before we did.

i've never sobbed this hard for a long long time.
i can't remember when i've become this cold.
i guess love stories in movies always seem so perfect because they only lasts for 2 hours.
real life lasts for roughly 561600 hours. that's more than a quarter of a million times longer than 2 hours.
this is why we don't get such fairytales.
even if we do,
they don't last.

here i am.
after so many weeks of forced consistent work.
i actually feel like doing work... finishing off my last calmaeth.

hmmmm. but i think not.
i'm gonna watch a movie.
a sad one.
and i'll cry my heart out.
when tomorrow comes, i'll say hello to a brand new day.