Saturday, June 24, 2006
| 8:01 PM
woke up in the morning. to courtesy of kerrin. went to macdonalds. i had happymeal hotcakes. plus free half a harsh brown and one bite of each the meat and the egg of big breakfast.
so too i received a happy meal toy. a soccer refree. red card yellow card red card yellow card. RED CARD!
den we studied. and i fell asleep.
then we took neoprints. it was really nice.
then i went all over singapore to find my shoe. i needed retail therapy. i just wanted to make myself happy. and what? no where had my size. conclusion. small feets have to wear ugly shoes. =( so upset. louyapok.
i hope i dont fall asleep soon. so i can study.
i'm gonna make my parents very very upset with my grades. i feel really bad. but i just cant concentrate. my mind's so full i cant sleep at night.
i dont want to dream anymore.
i'm really tired.
Friday, June 23, 2006
| 5:12 PM
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
| 3:09 AM
i think i know the reason why i refuse wake up.
i have nothing to look forward to.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
| 5:39 PM
back from church camp.
everyday there was little sleep. so i kept dozing off at almost all e sermons. i felt really bad. seems like there's a stronghold ever since the holidays started. i would have totally irregular sleep and timings and i wld feel so lethargic during sermons. and would always want prayers and worship to end quick. i cant concentrate during worship and sometimes cant bring myself to sing God is great. i'm totally upset why i'm feeling this way.
i know why. its becos i keep seeing myself being in a bad situation. and feel dat He is not doing anything. but its actually me who is not doing anything. i'm always very happy to be in my comfort zone and i want to stay this way. refusing to take the first step. things goes in a cycle again and again and i just feel defeated and i give up.
i see the difference between people like me. who's still very stuck and distracted with worldy things. and people who has so much fire burning for God.
e difference is to do QT daily, willingly. for people like me. we only do when we have time. and even feel compelled to. sometimes its even uncomplete. we are unable to sacrifice sleep and work to do QT. when we dont sacrifice anything. nothing will come back to us.
i want to break free. i want a stronger mind. i'm prayed for. and i must believe its already done. i must take that leap of faith. i want to shine for God's glory. i dont want people to look at me and say. "u mean she's a christian? she don't act like one."
back to church camp. a guy in walking stick for a few years managed to walk without it after a healing prayer. he even went a few hours of shopping the next day. he said he felt someone massaging his legs. so he thought it was the pastors. but when he opened his eyes and looked. he saw no hands. he was afraid. can u imaging God massaging u? it wld be scary, but also cool. hahas.
so people said.. oh he prolly could have walked before without the stick. yes. i agree he prolly could. but it wld only be a few steps. how can he go shopping? yes. praise the lord.
and then there were testimonies that in other countries i forgot which. south africa? that there were hundreds of raise the dead cases. people dont believe in Him becos they think that life on earth is the main purpose of living. to do good and not harm people. oh well. i really hope my parents accept christ soon. its nice to see christian families in chuch. dey're just so loving.
i've been thinking about this thing. why people see having dinosaurs is a prove dat the bible is a lie. its just lame. God made the animals before adam and eve. so why cant dinosaurs exist before us?
and the da vinci code. its already stated that its fiction. so if we ban the book the movie and all that. won't it just create more hoo haa about it. we shouldn't be scared. if people watch the movie and try to find out the truth. they wld realise that God is real. just dont understand the big fuss about things when it can actually be so simple. they are just my views. mabe i'm simple minded.
i used to think why God will be angry at us and stuff since he was so perfect. and then someone told me God created us in his own likeness. means the emotions that we have. God also have. but we have received so much grace becos Jesus died on the cross for us.
and my cell leader said speaking in tongues is a escalator to God. without, its just the staircase. with or without. God doesn't love u any less. But its out own desire to which whether we want to draw closer to God faster to form a stronger relationship. and all the great things the holy spirit has done, healing the sick and raising the dead. why believe in the bible halfway?
i hope i did not offend anyone. i'm just speaking what i hear and what i think its right.
oh yes. and church camp. only did shopping and bought 2 collared shirts at body glove. a surf brand like ripcurl all that. cool. 1st piece at 10% off and second at 50% off. singapore where got so generous. seldom dere wld be 50%. and if there wld be one. the stuff wont be good. but bodyglove stuff. how can not good. haha.
other than that. things were relatively of same price. and e converse shoe i wanted to buy? was 20 sing dollars cheaper than singapore. cos its like clearance sale. But no size! ahh.. i realise my feet is smaller than a size 3. oh my.
den we want to play go cart. but on our off day. it rained heavily. so we couldn't really do anything except shop again. haha. the guys managed to drive a few rounds round the track tho. it was funny. looking at them get stuck and bang into the wheels that acted as e fence. the wheels flew outta place man. haha.
and i din study at all. there just really wasn't time to. this spells big trouble.
oh yes. and we ate chee chong fun for supper everynight. haha. the food nearby the hotel was just good good.
and yea did i get closer to my church frens.
i cant wait for e nx one. where we can just go without worrying about our studies. weeee.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
| 11:17 PM
its just ringing in my head. am i a spoilt kid? mabe i'm more pampered than spoilt.
thinking back as a kid. i had almost everything i wanted. i ask and i'll have it. but since that age. i knew how to think. to buy or not to buy. i dun cry like children at shopping centres do becos dey cannot buy something. [mabbe. i was able to buy everything. hais...] i never tried asking for anything expensive. unless its really useful or something. well. thats wad i think.
wads wrong. it doesn't mean we cant be tgt. hdbs are good. dere's food and shops downstairs. i know. i've lived in bishan before. it doesn't define anything. not the future.
i'm not spoilt. ahhhhh. i'm not. mabe i am. just moderate. arrghhagrh. i duno.
i hate this.
i have not studied at all. almost nothing. it feels i've given up on everything. its just so tough to go on. i really really cannot take A levels. its like phobia of math. and i feel so guilty towards God. it justs goes in a cycle. and i keep going down. i cant trust Him becos i feel i did not earn his trust in me. i feel bad. i did not earn his trust cos i'm a bad bad girl and he's not happy with me.
i know his grace is really great. but i'm so ashamed. i dont want to take things for granted. keep repeating my mistake and den God will forgive me. but it seems i cant get out of the cycle to a point. i'm so ashamed. i dare not ask for his favour. hais..
think i'm uttering nonsense. i'm just so angry with myself, i start throwing tantrum at other people. i really dont want to study anymore. =[
Thursday, June 1, 2006
| 3:09 AM
just looked at some guy's frenster. from s11. plenty of class pics. outings. sentosa. neoprints.
and then i got a little envious. den a little sad. den.. i duno.
my class. is so segregated. guys vs girls. and within these 2 groups. it is further split. guys into 2 groups. girls are generally one big group with a few drop-outs here and there. well. to the least. that's how i feel. and how i see it.
why is it so sad?
it has actually been a long time since i took neoprints. besides the day on chen yang's birthday. i realised that becos when i wanted to put that set of neoprints together with e rest. i found myself looking for the others. i rmbed they were either in a box, or a book. so i searched. and i missed the box that was actually right in front of me.
so. that proves that its been a long time. or i'm just plain forgetful.
i'm glad i still have a few joys in my life. to keep me going.
i watched xmen3 yesterday. with e s14's shane, sz, raymond. i liked the actioned. but lau has lots to complain about. lol. i'm a mindless movie watcher. i think all shows i watched are nice. except boring ones. lol.
and i have a new hobby. looking at cyril's magic videos. he's rather amazing. magic. illusions. i'm too slow for all that stuff. so i awe like normal commoners.
i've almost lost my 1st week of hols. just trying to complete my long overdue compo. i'm so sorry ms soh. i just hate writing. my mind's too tuned to maths. just too much.
i'm still not awaken. the motivation pill. [wad a maple term. pill. haha] its not working. i'm still pretty much a piece of stone.
sometimes. i'm really angry/upset. for many things. but i look so calm anyhow. have i even lost the essence to feel.
God. please come back to my life.
i'm not happy.
