Genevieve Elaine..Vivi

Vivi,
I know it's only the 11th, and your birthday isn't for 4 more days..But you've been on mommy's mind a lot lately. This would have been the year that you turned ten. Ten years old. That is just amazing to me. I always have & always will wonder about you. Who you would have looked like. What color your eyes would have been, your hair, would you have had any at birth? Would it be long or short now? Would you be precocious like me? Would you love or hate school. I see you sometimes, in her, Elaina, your little sister. There are some times when I glance at her and she is just ethereal & I know that is you. Or sometimes when she cries out in her sleep & before I can get to her, she is comforted. That's you. I see little glances of you in different things that happen in our lives. I miss you with an ache that will never leave my heart. I hope you've met the other 8 babies we've lost since I lost you. I hope you know one that is coming to stay in our family forever. I'm so sorry I never got to hold you in my arms. I was so unprepared sweet Vivi, but I was so ready to love you, to be your mama. I miss you. I love you. A part of my heart will always belong to you my sweet Genevieve Elaine.
Love
Mommy

Insult to Injury

So I haven't mentioned this because it feels like a constant f*cking repeat..But miscarriage #9 was confirmed today. Awesome. We decided to start "trying" again in April and somehow just looked at each other and got pregnant. My periods have been super long as of late so I didn't test until I was about 2 weeks late. And then lost the baby. So, just to recap, new job, miscarriage, possible cancer issue. I've never leaned on my faith more then I am RIGHT NOW. Seriously. There's almost no moment that I'm not praying.

And Here We Are

So I need to do a catch up, but for now, my husband has a found a lump on one of his testicles. He didn't realize nor did he tell me how bad it really is. I have this gut feeling. I hesitate to even say it. I won't say it out loud. Not yet. He's seeing his PCP tomorrow and I'm calling to get him an appointment at the best Urology clinic in the city for Monday. My mind immediately goes to worst case scenario. If I loose him, I will never recover. I can't think this way. I must be positive. It's nothing. It's a cyst. It's survivable. We can do this. I love that man.

The Fever

Baby fever that is..and I've got it bad. I know the timing is not ideal..But I'm telling you, I'm ready for baby #2. Elaina is almost completely out of the "baby" stage & is for sure into the "terrific" twos. And she LOVES babies. She's so gentle & caring, I want to have another one before she decides that she doesn't want to be a big sister.

Also, Lainey-Bug turned TWO on Sunday. I absolutely cannot believe I have a two year old. A toddler. A preschooler. A big girl. It just astounds me. Most of the time I'm still in shock that I'm a mama at all, let alone a mama of a two year old. She talks in full sentences, she sings, she runs around, she throws EPIC tantrums. She's gorgeous. Curly blondish-brown hair that turns a beautiful strawberry blonde when she's been in the sun. Her eyes look like pools of blue water. They are simply gorgeous. She's tall & skinny. Clothes are hard to fit, she wears a LOT of stretchy pants. She's stubborn, hilarious, loving, & all around amazing. I'll have a full birthday post tomorrow or Friday. I love that girl more then anything else.

 I just wish things were better w/DH. It's like as soon as I feel that things are getting better or that we are moving in the right direction, something happens & I'm just hurt all over again. The biggest thing right now? He NEVER says "I love you." Ever. I have never stopped saying it. Tonight I brought it up that it was really bothering me & that every time I say I love you & he says "alright" or "okay" it's like taking a physical blow. It hurts so much every time & I don't know how many times I can take that. I mean it's been going on for almost 3 months now. That's a beating. He told me he doesn't know how he feels..And I told him that you either love someone or you don't. His response? "I do love you, I'm just not sure I'm in love with you." He should've just punched me in the gut. That would have hurt less. I asked him when he would know & he told me that he thought things were getting better but if I was going to try & "rush" him then it wasn't going to work. Are you f*cking kidding me? I have always & will always love him. Even if we don't work out, I will always, always love him. Even though he has hurt me in ways I didn't think were possible, I have never said such hurtful things. NEVER. I just don't even know what to do. I'm at such a loss. I completely think we need counseling, but at the same time, I don't want to relive this over & over & over. It's like the scab is finally starting to form & I'm worried that counseling will rip it right off..for both of us. But at the same time, DH has to take some responsibility for his actions. He is the one that told me that for months he didn't want to be married or be a dad, but in the same breath will say that that didn't affect our marriage. Ummm..are you psycho?! He literally puts ALL of the blame on me. It's easy to do that when you brought the 1 thing I did wrong into the open for every one to see. Thinking of that, my mom asks me if things were so bad, how come no one knew? Well, I didn't parade our business for everyone to see & know about. I told her, had I done that, & told her everytime something happened, it would have been DAILY. She would have been so sick of hearing about it. It's almost like we're trying to prove who was the worse spouse. I hate that. It makes me feel sick. And that's not what I'm about, but at the same time, it takes two to make a marriage work & two to let it fall apart. It wasn't all me. If he can't face facts & man up, then I can tell you where we will end up. Ugh. All of this stuff is really taking a toll on my health. I've lost 20lbs since November and I'm not sleeping at all. I'm back on Ambien nightly (which I didn't take last tonight/last night because I hurt my back over the weekend & have been prescribed narcotic pain meds, & you can't take those & Ambien, anyway) and I hate having to rely on that to get any kind of sleep. As you can tell, w/o it, I don't sleep. And I can almost gurantee that when I ask DH to be on "dad duty" in the morning, he's going to give me shit about it. Yes, I have to almost beg him to do his dad job, and yes he still guilt trips me. See where the issues lie? Okay...off to bed to try & sleep.

Odd?

I don't know if it's because of all of our issues, or becuase I just tend to have jealousy issues regularly, but I am finding it very, VERY hard to read blogs of pregnant women. There's only one in particular that I can think of that I get really excited for, and that's because we are RL friends. Otherwise, I tend to just kind of fade into the woodwork when yet another blogger finds out she's PG, suprise or not. I don't know what my deal is. I'm usually the biggest cheerleader, especially w/friends that are/have suffered from IF. Right now, I just don't have it in me. I'm not being an ass by any means, I just don't read as regularly or comment as often. Hopefully, I get my "yay" mojo back. It might also because my period was 4 days late this cycle and I know that being seperated is NOT the way to welcome another baby, I would have been ecstatic. I should be on the cusp of delivering baby #2 (my EDD was 03/13/13) and I'm grieving that loss. I don't think I really did after we had the m/c in July. I was just kind of numb, what else is new?

On the marriage front. It's day to day. There are very, very good days & then there are 2-3 godawful, horrible days. Last week there were a few where I was just like, I'm taking Lulu and going. I was/am on the verge of a mental breakdown & that doesn't seem to effect him at all. Of course not.

Okay, that's all. I'm off to try & sleep (<--has a="" been="" bitch="" elusive="" p="" ugh.="" very="">

That Was Dumb

So, since all the BS happened, my DH has picked up drinking. Not in an alcholic type of way, but in a 3-5x a week type of way. Definitely both of his days off & sometimes after work. I HATE IT. He is incredibly mean when he drinks. Like, gut punch mean. Makes me cry almost everytime & then the next day says "I don't remember." LIES. He doesn't get drunk enough not to remember. And he's drinking vodka..So..yeah. Anyway, he took my rings back when everything went south. He told me he was getting them rhodium plated to "protect his investment." Mhmm..So I haven't seen them in over 2 months. Tonight, he said "do you want to see your rings?" And I couldn't say no. That.was.dumb. They are gorgeous. Amazing. I want them. I want him to to give them to me. And he's been telling me "I'm not ready to give you your rings back." I understand that, at the same time, they're MINE. Tonight, he told me "I don't care if you wear them. I don't care if you take them." And that cut like a knife. Seriously. I want him to WANT to give them back to me. He doesn't. He's done. At least it felt like that tonight. He didn't even care when I cried. He said "so are you keeping them or what?" I gave them back. He was already in bed & said "yeah, can you cover me up?" Yep. It was awesome.

W.H. Auden

While watching "4 Weddings & a Funeral"..after one of the main actors, Gareth, dies, his partner reads "Funeral Blues" by W.H. Auden. And I looked it up. And it was one of those things that struck the deepest cord with me. It is how I feel about my current situation. My marriage is in shambles and my husband is more of a roomate then even a friend and definitely moreso then a lover. There are days where I literally feel like I am mourning a death. A death I cannot get over. The death of my marriage. I hope we can revive it. I hope it can be fixed. I hope we breathe new life into it. The part that resounded the deepest with me..


"He was my north, my south, my east and west,
My working week and Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song.
I thought that love would last forever; I was wrong."

Writer's Block

Well, not even exactly writer's block. But, so much to say & unable to formulate a cohesive thought. Plus, I know this blog is public, and anyone can probably find me pretty easily. I haven't exactly made it hard..But at the same time, I never expected anyone to actively look for me so they could go and try to "tattle" to my husband. Guess what? He KNOWS about this blog. He has since we got together (so almost since it's inception 6 years ago). Anytime he wants to read it, he has access. There is nothing on here that I wouldn't want him to see. I wonder if this person realized that in some of my posts, especially since things went to hell, I come here, get my thoughts out, get them organized so that I can address the situation. There was no reason to run to my husband & tell him "she's been thinking about divorce for a long time." This not only hurt my husband, but was almost just one more way of making me look untrustworthy, which is EXACTLY what we needed. Let me set the record straight. I have NOT been actively thinking of divorce for a "long time." We have not shared all of our problems with even our extended families, because we wanted to try and work them out between the two of us. When it became apparent that only ONE of us was trying to work things out, I came to my blog, my piece of solace, where I have met many friends that I treasure to get advice, on how to SAVE my marriage. It is an outlet for me, as I know this person's blog is to them. I treasure being able to come here & just download my thoughts, as random or as terrible or as happy they might be. I don't know if this person checks in here daily to see what I'm up too, but you can imagine why I have been away. I'm tempted to go password protected, but that just annoys people and makes them not want to read. At least, that's how I feel when I hit a PP blog. Anyway, I said that to say thank you for reading, thank you for your advice, thank you for being my friends. I have no intention of shutting down, in fact, I intend to be MORE present because there is so much going on & I don't have anyone close to me that isn't biased to talk to. I just needed to get this part off my chest. I will be back in action soon.