Happy Halloween & 30 Day Blog Challenge

So first off, we got Allie in her costume, and by the time we found the camera, she had gnawed off her stinger and antennae, yes, she was going to be a bee, now, she's going to be..a Boxer. Original, I know. Also, I am going to do the 30 Day Blog Challenge. I was inspired by Melissa (to do the challenge) and Mrs.Gamgee (for the topics). I can't do a blog challenge w/o topics and I just don't think I'm original enough to think them up for myself =) So, for November, I am going to do 30 posts (at least). They will contain the topic for the day, and most likely, rambling, as all of my post seem to do. I'm kind of pumped =)

This weekend was pretty un-eventful. E came home Friday (I'm telling you, seeing him never gets old) and we went out for dinner (after we got in an argument spurned by my unruly hormones) and came home and crashed in bed. Then yesterday I had to work (sucked) and we had lunch and a nap (lively, we are) and then last night we watched Ghostbusters (which E had never seen, how was he a child of the 80's?!) and he slept while I was up and down all night. I've heard that part of the reason that some PG women have insomnia is because they are hungry. So last night, around 3am, I got a chocolate muffin (I know, ugh) and IDK if baby girl could tell I had something, but she started squirming like crazy. It was the weirdest feeling, and she calmed down after I ate, so I guess that must've had something to do w/it. But what is keeping me up the most is the congestion & inability to breathe properly. I just toss and turn all night. And last night, I had some pretty severe round ligament pains, which still scare me. I think my u/s will really give me some of the reassurance I need. Today, we went to church, and then had lunch w/the pastor and his wife. They are our age, and are expecting their first baby in April. It was pretty awesome to talk to him, to see he is a real guy and that he has the same concerns as "the rest of us" and they were funny, and not stuffy. His sermons are fantastic and I really like him. It's just weird that he is so young, and is our pastor. We went to my mom & dad's, where E proceeded to sleep, and mom & I worked on shower stuff, while my dad watched the game in the "man cave." Not very eventful, but fun. I like spending time w/my parents & Allie LOVES running in their huge yard. She is all kinds of worn out. Yay!!

So it finally got cold here, and I've only had the furnace on twice, because, since becoming PG, I have been so HOT!! Has anyone else experienced this? I am the girl that, in the winter, absolutely cannot be warm enough. I need the furnace on as soon as it gets cold. This year? I just turn on the space heater and heat up the living room/kitchen area, and thats enough for me. But I was freezing E out, so I had to turn it on the last two nights, and oh goodness, I was so hot, and it was only set at 67. Goodness. This winter should be cheap on the ol heating bill =)

Okay, here are some pics from this weekend. Allie had a playdate w/Brooklyn, Bailey, & Coco. It was fantastic fun. Oh, and we dressed up at work Saturday. I just look huge, and my co-workers look cute. Oh well, I had an excuse this year.

I was a hippie, don't mind the mess in our house. Jeez, I look BIG. Yikes. Avert your eyes. 

Here's Tea (as Dr. Death) and Josh (as the Devil). 

Here are the 4 cutest doggies..Bailey (black), Coco, Brooklyn and you can just see Allie's nub.

And this is Miss Allison, after a long, hard day =)

She's Ambitious Our Gal..

My appointment went very well. Baby girl's HB was 154 (yay) and she was moving all around. I'm measuring way ahead..like 3 weeks ahead. My uterus is measuring 25cms..and I'll be 22wks tomorrow. Dr. F isn't concerned (of course, I am) and I earned myself another u/s at my next appt. in 2wks. He just wants to allay any fears that I might have..which is awesome. Plus, he said for now, we keep my EDD at March 2nd, but, if in 2 weeks, I'm still measuring ahead, we move it to mid-February!! What!? Has anyone heard of measuring this far ahead? Dr. F just cackled when I asked if the baby was too big. He said they've never had a baby that was "too big." I also get to do my GTT in the next 2 weeks. Tons of fun that will be and I'm pretty sure I feel a massive fail coming on for that test. Oh, and the pain & "knot" I've been feeling up by my ribcage, yeah, that's her. Can you believe that? This early. I guess it makes more sense since she's measuring so big. Ugh. It worries me a little bit, but I defn. feel more reassured, knowing she is a) alive & b) growing like a weed. I'm super pumped for my next appointment. E is gonna shit if the due date gets moved up. He defn. isn't going to graduate til March 4th, I was hoping she'd hang out til the 5th or later so I could go to graduation. Now, as my mom says, she might just be there, in my arms, instead of in my belly. I'm kind of excited about this too!! But worried, cause uh, if we are measuring 3 weeks ahead now, how big will I be at 40wks!? Yikes!!

Also today, we had some extreme storms. I had to drive through one on my way back to work from my appointment. I saw 2 trees get hit by lightning (scary and loud!!) and there were tornadoes everywhere. We had 50-70mph winds. It was insane. Part of my drive was like driving through snow. It was that black and visibility was nil, like I couldn't see a foot in front of my car. I'm really thankful that I had my new car. My old one would have been blown off the road.

Hopefully I will be able to sleep tonight. I told Dr. F that I am literally averaging about 2-3hrs per night..and paying for it at work, driving, etc. He prescribed Ambien, which I am kind of wary to take, but he said it was fine w/the baby and at this point, I have to get some sleep. I cannot go another day like this. Plus tomorrow is a long day at work, and I cannot be running on empty. I have to sleep.

Okay, that's all. Hope you all had a great day!!

I Caved..

I moved my appointment to tomorrow..I felt more movement today and yesterday, but I still need reassurance. Plus, I've really been wheezing and my throat hurts and I'd like to head off any illness before it gets really bad. Also..My mom took some maternity pics for us yesterday. Maybe I am huge!? Does gestational diabetes make you look bigger? I have this sinking suspicion that that might be in my future. When does the doc do the testing? I think I'm gonna ask Dr. F about that tomorrow. And I'm gonna ask for an u/s, I will totally pay for it OOP..but that would be great just to see her again. Oh, and here are some pics (just a little sampling) for you!!

The Good & The Bad

I know I should start w/the good, but I *must* get the bad off my chest..And it's PG related, so feel free to move on..Okay, I know that I am only almost 22wks. And I know the baby is the size of a banana or carrot depending on which website I'm reading..and I know that I only *think* I've felt various movements. Not flutters, more like bumps or even, waves. I can't imagine what else could be doing this besides la petite. Except..For the last few days, I have had the most terrible DB (dead baby) thoughts. I'm convinced because I sleep semi-reclined, that I've killed her, or that every time I've had a migraine (which have been lots lately) and taken a Tylenol 3 (which are prescribed to me by my OB) I've killed her. It's just been bad news. It's making me incredibly fearful. I've had thoughts of going to the ER just to hear her HB and of moving up my appointment. I'm just scared. I won't even share the thoughts I've had because they are so macabre. Ugh. I just want some reassurance. Or to feel *big* movements, which I know doesn't really happen until the 26-27wks timeframe. Oh, and what else makes me a nervous wreck? A pg friend of mine says she has felt movement since NINE weeks (you know since this is her 2nd child and all.) GAH!! No you haven't!! Like right now, I feel something in my lower left side, by my pelvis. It's like a heavy feeling, not flutters, but defn. weird. I know it's her, unless something else is living inside me. But still. Gah.

The good...I (we) got a brand spankin new car!!!! It's a 2010 Honda CR-V!! Amazing!! They gave us $140 for my 14yo Galant. It was getting really unsafe and I hated driving it, but I didn't think we'd be able to get a new car anytime soon. The monthly payments are really low (like lower then our Camry payments) and it was just too good of a deal to pass up. It's gorgeous!! It drives awesomely, and DH had to fight me to drive it to church this morning. I can't wait to have it filled w/baby stuff, and of course, our little gal. Here's some pics of it.

Love, LOVE, love it!!

ICLW-October 2010

Welcome welcome!! So glad to have new (and old) visitors!! I haven't participated for the last few months due to the fact that I am currently expecting and had morning (make that all day) sickness until I was 17wks. Blogging was few and far between. I understand if you can't read me because of this, I completely understand. Here is a general synopsis of me, my family, and all that jazz.

Me: MJ, Mrs. Joyner, recurrent pregnancy loss survivor, sarcastic, profanity laden medical assistant.
DH: EJ, E, currently in the Indiana State Police academy, due to graduate 2 days after my due date, my best friend, love of my life
Us: We've been married since 10-04-08, we've had 5 miscarriages (in 13months) and now are expecting our first baby (a girl) on 03-02-11. He's my rock, and makes me laugh more then anyone else can. I miss him a jillion tons and and talk about that quite a bit right now. We've live in central Indiana, just north of Indianapolis.
Just Stuff (in bulleted formation, which you find is my MOST favorite thing)

• I curse quite a bit..I try to control myself, but sometimes, I just can't
• I am *terrified* of loosing this baby. I think that probably comes from loosing her 5 siblings. I think 4wks is too long between appointments, and luckily for me, I have a doctor who understands this and lets me call anytime I have a freak-out
• My SIL is a huge thorn in my side right now..She absolutely cannot live w/o drama, and if there isn't any, she creates some. I try not to talk about her a lot, but lately, she has been a hellbeast
• I am really close to my mom and dad and so is DH. We hang w/them a lot, and we even go on vacation together. They're pretty rad =)
• We are helping to raise a little girl named Moo. We've been doing this since she was 18mos old, and is now 5, and in her first year of kindergarten. Her mom committed suicide when she was almost 2 and her dad is in jail. She is being raised by her grandparents and we get to help participate in that.
• We have an almost 3 yo Boxer named Allie..So spoiled and such a good dog. We love her like our kid.

Okay..that's me in a nutshell..again welcome!!

• 
  

A Vent

I wasn't going to blog, because I feel like all I do is complain lately..But I don't really have any other place to get this off my chest. So feel free to skip this if you want too.

I am *sick* of people commenting on how "big" I am. "Are there 2 in there? Are you sure?" "WHEN are you due? Oh my goodness." "You're huge." Etc. I don't think I look that large. I do know that after meals, I look bigger, plus, on a daily basis I am wearing scrubs that are too big (cause they didn't have maternity ones) and a shirt underneath since it's been cold. So yes, I look bigger then usual, but in my normal clothes, I think I look pretty good. I'm not sure what an "average" 21wk belly is supposed to look like..But this is me. Like momma always said "If you don't have anything nice to say, say nothing at all."

Also on my shit list tonight, the SIL. As per usual. She sent yet another email, irate because E doesn't tell her EVERYTHING going on in his life. She was "really upset" that he DARED not tell her about something that happened while he was a reserve cop in February 2009..Yeah, almost 2 years ago. Among other things. You know why he doesn't tell you everything, because I am his fucking wife, NOT YOU!! I'm telling you, if the world stops revolving around her for even a SECOND, she must make drama. How dare her mom talk about E instead of her wedding and BS. It just makes me so crazy that she thinks she is privy to our day to day information. As my mom said, in an 8hr police shift (or 12hrs) there is SO much that goes on that there isn't enough time in the day to tell it all. Not to mention, it's not her BUSINESS!!! I am his wife, he is my husband, we are not going to share every fucking thing w/you. What the hell!? I am just at a loss at this point. I am not playing this game w/her for the rest of my life. I don't know how to tell her. I made it pretty clear that she needed to drop it, and that it was a non-issue and she just keeps harping on it. ENOUGH. I just, ugh. I am so sick of her.

I think a doppler is going to be our next purchase. Most likely this weekend. I'm just sick of freaking out every 5 seconds, esp. w/4wks between visits. Oh yeah, when do I go up to visits every 2 weeks? After the third trimester starts? I'm not sure.

Okay, thats all. Baby is pushing on my lungs, already taking my breath away. Sorry for the vent, but I had to get it out.

Today Was An Emotional Day

• I'm getting a new car!! Well, a new lease..A 2010 Honda CRV..Woot!! My car is 14 years old, the heat has gone out, windows & locks are doing weird stuff..Basically, I've driven it into the ground. It has had great gas mileage and been a great car for me..but now, w/a baby on the way on winter right around the corner, we decided I need something safer and newer. So yay. It should be here tomorrow or Saturday. 
• E didn't call last night. There hasn't been a Monday that I haven't gotten a call from him..But I wasn't concerned because 1 person can ruin it for everyone. If one or two people were acting dumb, they will loose "calling time." It's an earned privilege, not something they automatically get. So no worries..Until dumb SIL sends me 2 emails telling me how terribly worried she & her mom are and how they just can't "shake" their premonitions. What.the.F? I'm having a hard enough time convincing myself on a daily basis that he is okay. I don't need to be playing in their fantasy land. I reassured her that if something had happened, I would be the first to know, and I would let them know. I think this has more to do w/the fact that she can't live w/o drama then that she is really concerned. So I had to call my momma to make sure I'm not being crazy when I tell her that I struggle enough by myself not having my husband around, for her to add her 2 drama filled cents. I wouldn't do that to her if the tables were turned. BTW, E called tonight, he's fine and last night, as I said, there were a few recruits that were having "integrity" issues and that ruined it for everyone. Duh. Good heavens.
• Totally random, but I think if Allie had a "voice" it would sound a lot like Elmo..She'd use curse words, but it'd be cute..lol
• I'm exceptionally emotional today. After getting the go ahead for the car, Moo's grandma called and shared w/me about Moo's parent/teacher conference. She shared w/me like I'm her momma. And it made me cry (after we got off the phone) because T doesn't have to share that kind of information w/me. When we first started caring for Moo, my biggest worry was that T would be a roadblock. Now, it's like we are a big extended family. Telling me about her first lost tooth, her new glasses, and now, her conference. Small things, but I think they realize how important we are to Moo. And that we plan on staying in her life, and I think she appreciates that. Oh, and 3 songs on the radio made me tear up. Good heavens. PG hormones are serious.
• Round ligament pains worry me..a lot. Although I know I have nothing to worry about if there are no other symptoms..but any kind of pain scares me..and it feels like it is happening all the time. ALL the time. Almost constantly. Especially at night. And then I think I'm feeling her move, but I'm not sure, ugh. My next OB appointment is not til next Thursday..I'm so tempted to move it up. I KNOW.
• Do the flu shots this year have the swine flu in them as well? How safe are these? I'd love some advice. I've made an appointment at CVS (where I LOVE our pharmacist, she is fantastic) to get one, but I don't know that I want the swine flu shot. Any advice would be great. 
• Okay, me & doggie are going to lay down. I am so tired. My sleep schedule is totally out of whack.

Happy & Sad

It's hard to choose which to start with..So, being the glass half-full (sarcasm) girl that I am..We'll start w/sad..

• Please, go FLOOD Melissa (at Whole Heartedly) w/love. She found out she lost her precious baby sometime last week. She only found out because she took a test and got a negative result, and then a low beta. I have been in her shoes, and I remember too well these feelings. She needs all the love we can give her.
• Well, the rest of my sad bs doesn't compare. So I'm gonna skip it. Go give Melissa love instead of listening to me bitch.

Happy

• Dude, I just can't follow that up w/happy news. Not trying to be sappy, or woe is me. But dammit, I just don't think anyone should ever, ever have to experience even ONE miscarriage or loss of their baby, let alone multiple ones. I'm just so pissed and sad for her. And I think about my other bloggy friends that have had to endure this as well. Ugh. WTF!? Seriously. Because one miscarriage isn't enough? It just peeves me (obviously). Even now, almost 21wks and I remember ever single miscarriage, every single feeling, every single stab of pain. And those feelings are fresh in my mind. Like it happened yesterday. Sometimes there just aren't enough cuss words. Happier post tomorrow.

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Rememberance Day

I don't have my candle lit yet..But I will at 7pm tonight..I'll even post a picture. I wish that this day was more recognized, like National AIDS Day, or Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I know there is no cure for loosing pregnancies or babies..but people need to be made aware that it DOES happen. All the time. To people you know. And some of us experience it multiple times. This is still a "taboo" subject, which saddens me, because after loosing 6 babies, the support I have received has sometimes been the only thing that kept me off the edge. People need to know that miscarriages happen, and that when they do, we as women, and even our significant others need someone to talk to. We need to be more open about this, it's the only way we can heal. And maybe, if more people were involved and knew about this, we could work on not a "cure" but a way to lessen how often these things happen. And even when they do, no matter what, we need to have a support system. It's amazing how this blog & the internet has become just that. I, myself, know that every time we lost a sweet baby, every time I just knew this was it, that I could not try again, I could come here and get support. Not even advice, just support and love. And this year, October 15th is bittersweet, because I remember what could have, should have been..and I celebrate what is. Please, light a candle at 7pm, even if you haven't experienced this, to show support for the women who have.

Meltdowns

I missed my husbands phone calls tonight because my piece of shit LG continually turns itself off. For. No. Reason!! He gets to call twice a week, and he called last night..Which means the next time I get to hear from him will be Friday, when he is on his way home= FUCKING Meltdown (sobbing, just lost it)

Allie can't go back to school (which is essential on my long days, like TOMORROW) because her shots expired. I did not know this was possible. And we can't see the vet til Saturday= Meltdown

I'm concerned Allie is too thin, she has this rash, dry skin= Meltdown

In 3 hrs. I will be 20wks pregnant. 20 weeks!! Halfway. Happy and scared= Meltdown

I didn't get more then 2hrs of sleep last night= Morning Meltdown on the way to work.

A close friend of the family died Friday night. His son & I were really close as kids/teens and we even dated.  I can't imagine life w/o my dad when I'm 50, let alone 27= Meltdown

Watched Real Housewives of Atlanta (a guilty pleasure, along w/RHWof NJ) and NeNe had to talk to her son about how hard it is to be a mom, and how she just wanted to protect him, and to see him doing bad made her cry. And I thought, some day, I'll have to have this very talk.= Meltdown. 


So you see, it was a big meltdown kind of day. I contribute 90% of this to pregnancy. I have a massive tear-induced headache. Hopefully tomorrow it's a happy day w/maybe only 1 or 2 meltdowns?

I'm So Random Lately

• We got Moo's FG dress this weekend..It's better in real life, but there is a lot of black..And she's only 5. IDK. I understand that is part of the "theme" but still.. It looks almost "lingerie-ish" here are pics..She would NOT do a good smile..Until the last pic..Love it!!

•  I learned to day that "viability" is classified as week 24 in pregnancy..I cannot imagine having her that early..And at the same time..It's kind of a *sigh* she might be okay if I delivered then. Yes, as a matter of fact I have moved from the "omg I'm gonna m/c" to the "omg she's gonna die" stage of pregnancy. So lovely is the RPL woman who actually gets & stays pregnant. Not normal. Oh well.
• It is getting easy to be alone, but I do NOT like it. And I still cry..a lot. But I don't tell DH, he's got enough shit going on to deal w/my emotional-ness.
• He passed his first BIG test today!! I am so excited for him!! It was a "must pass" test. 2 more people quit today..They started the class w/65 four weeks ago..and our now down to 55. Wow. So proud of him!!
• I think my cousin's baby has DS. Not that there is anything wrong w/that, but I really thing she does. She has the kind of squashed nose (I don't know the medical term for this) and "almond eyes." I am not going to ask, because if that is the case, they have enough emotional stuff going on..They just had a new baby a week ago, they are moving to Dallas, etc. It's a lot. I know I'll find out eventually, it just kind of breaks my heart for them.
• Round ligament pain, hurts. Especially when I overdo things at work and then continue to overdo it at home. Dumb, dumb, dumb.
• Just talked to DH. I miss him so much, my heart hurts.

Gobbledegook

That's pretty much what this post contains..A little bit of everything..

• So we've registered..And I'm finding it hard to believe we're going to need all this stuff in real life. Like, we are really going to have a baby? Seriously. It's still surreal. 
• I want to go to Sturgis, that place where they have the big bike rally..Even though we don't own a bike and probably never will. I know, dumb. But I think it'd be cool to experience it.
• I don't want to share my time w/E. Tomorrow we are supposed to go to his mom's church cause it's family day or something, and then have lunch w/his sister, her fiance, and his mom. I'm very selfish w/my E time, I don't want to go. Also because spending too much time w/ SIL means I've got to keep my thoughts to myself. But, she's bringing Moo's FG dress so she can try it on, so we'll see how that goes. Plus, I know it will make his mom so happy to have all of her kids together. But if she asks me (again) if I'm sure "there's only one baby in there" heads will roll. She asked me that last time we saw her, I was only 15wk4d. I can't imagine how huge she'll think I am now that I'm almost 20. 
• Allie's farts are the stinkiest thing ever. Seriously. They are nasty. 
• I can't wait to dress up our baby for Halloween next year.. The costumes are SO cute!!
• We need an new mattress and a couch..Seriously, I need an ejector seat on the couch it is so broken down, it hurts to get up, and the mattress is just uncomfortable. Those will be our next big purchases. 
• I'm tired, I'm going to attempt to go to sleep..Night..

This Post Brought To You By The Word Random..

• My cousin had her baby girl today..The one that I just *knew* was PG back in April, and that made me completely loose my shit at my g-ma's bday party..Yeah. The first thing I thought was "at least she didn't have her baby on our anniversary." Yep, apparently I am that selfish. Even though I am almost 19wks myself, it was like being stabbed seeing her baby pictures. IDK why. It was hard.
• Thinking of 19wks, my little update thingy told me that if the baby is a girl (which she is) she is already making eggs..for future grandchildren. Are you kidding me?! Not just that babies make eggs that early, but everyone assumes that babies & children come easy to everyone. I betcha my daughter has issues w/the ol PCOS & endo. I pray to God that she doesn't, but damn, putting expectations on my unborn baby? Let's avoid that. Or maybe I'm just waaaay emotional and protective right now. 
• This congestion is for birds. Seriously. Dr. F said I'm just gonna be this way til the first freeze, which should have been this weekend..except it didn't get all the way down to freezing and it's supposed to go back up to 80. WTH Indiana weather!? Let's get this fall stuff on the road.
• Autumn is my *most* favorite season. Seriously. All the good stuff happens in the fall. We got engaged in September, married in October, and my b-day is in November. Plus, doesn't fall just feel like the electrifying start to the winter holidays? I just love it. It feels like there is anticipation in the air. The last few mornings have been downright chilly, and I love bundling up. Except, um, the belly..How do I find a coat that fits?!
• The heat is my car has stopped working. Fantastic. I need an oil change and about 90 hundred other things. Great. I'm gonna attempt to fix the heat this weekend (hopefully I only need some coolant, not a heat core, <--that'd be about way more then I can afford) and get the oil changed. The rest of the stuff will have to wait. Worst case scenario? I'll have to borrow a car from mom & dad til I can afford a new heat core. 
• On other news, my credit is shit. Yaay!! Sooooo..we are going to attempt to lease a car on DH's credit, which is still good...see he hasn't had all the medical bills because the fertility BS, is my deal. He's perfect at making babies. So, we have these bills, but they are in my name, so my credit=dumpster. Oh, and does anyone else laugh when the bill people call and tell you they are going to send you to collections? I'm like, get in line. I'm paying you as much as I can afford, back up!!
• The cravings & nausea are back. Wtf? I'm now craving orange pop. So good for me. 
• That's all =)

2 Years Ago Today..

 I married the most wonderful man ever..I wish he was here to celebrate with..But nonetheless...I have never been happier in my life!!

Autumn..

Is here in Indiana..Literally..we go from 90 degrees to 50 degrees in a matter of 2 days..It's been tough on the old sinuses..Let me just give you a preview of some "Autumn-ness" at our house..Also..what is your opinion on doing a series of maternity pictures? I'd like to do some now, and some in the winter, and then some right before she is born, and then of course, pictures after she is born, and have like a 4 photo frame that shows the progression..Is that dumb? I think it'd be kind of cool to have =) Let me know.

One of our newer Halloween decorations..Love the purple!!

Try not to be jealous of my knee-high socks..DH laughs every time I wear them =)

Dude, I love galoshes..and these are polka dot!! They will be perfect in rain and snow!! Yay Target!!

And finally, the "Autumn Tree" at Hobby Lobby. It was so, so, SO pretty. I want one to put up in our house year round. That was quickly vetoed by DH. Dammit.