A little random..and kind of awkward

So..I don't know if it's because we are in the midst of TTC or because I want a baby so badly..but can you please explain to me why people keep pregnancies a "secret?" And not like in the first 12 weeks..but like, full term..or they just "tell" some people? I have a FB friend who had a baby girl on the 24th..and a LOT of people didn't know..I just don't understand. And it wasn't her first baby (like that matters) and she was born about 4 wks early..But nothing was wrong w/the pregnancy or the baby. And maybe it's just me, but even if something was "wrong" and it was me, I'd still tell people. Obviously, I tell b/f the pee dries on the test. Lol. IDK. Is this weird? It just strikes me as odd. And when I said congratulations, I added "I didn't even know you were PG" as did other people, and she still hasn't said why no one knew. I know it's no one's business, it's just weird to me.

I also belong to an obscene number of groups on FB, and one of them is called "I Love Adoption." Im part of this group for 2 reasons, one, I am adopted, and 2 I hope that one day we can adopt a child. What I find disheartening is the fact that there is always one or two people that also belong to the group that never have anything nice to say, and in fact, are really cold hearted and mean. Why join a group just to be mean? And also, people that are adopting, are usually struggling enough w/o someone saying hateful things to them. There should be some way to weed people out like that. IDK.

I need some advice..and Im kind of embarassed to be telling you all this (and I don't know why) but we live in an area that is on a "protected wetland." 2 weeks ago, after fishing w/DH, I found a tick on my thigh. We got it off, but it freaked me out..I had one about 10 years ago, that was huge, and we actually had to burn it off my head. It was awful..anyway..Saturday morning I found another one on Allie's ear, and today, TWO more. One in my hair (which I think had *just* fallen out of the tree I was under) and one in my pants leg. Neither of them had attached yet, but needless to say, I am now checking every nook and cranny on myself, the dog, DH, our couch, the bed etc. And every time I itch or feel something, Im CONVINCED it's a tick. I know they are relatively harmless (minus the rocky mt. spotted fever & lyme disease) but Im freaking out. How do we stop this? Why are they only on me? I know I need to wear long pants, a hat, etc, but I did that and they still found me. Is there a spray I can wear when we go outside? I don't want to stay inside for the next 4 mos because it's their prime season..and I don't want to not go fishing because there are tall weeds around the water..I just need to know what to do to prevent becoming tick dinner..Cause the last thing I need is to be OCD about every itch I have or getting lyme disease..Thank you in advance!!

And send me your dress pictures!! Im gonna feel so uncool if no one participates in my contest..plus the prise is so rad. Don't make me big ol sad times..lol. If no one participates..I guess I'll just pic a follower at random..Grr.

And last, but most certainly not least..A few requests. Please go visit Noelle..Her baby, Elisabetta or "Baby B" has been dx'ed w/severe IUGR and the outlook isn't great. They are praying for a miracle and she could really, really, really use some love and support..Also, Kelly got the news she was dreading today..After a hellish rollercoaster ride, she found out her baby no longer has a heartbeat. This is her 4th miscarriage and I know how much she is hurting..Please flood her with love and support as well..

Thank you again for all of your wonderful comments while I heal..And I promise, I will, for sure, do better w/ICLW next month..I shouldn't be having ANY issues!!

Our New Neighbors & A Contest

Im having a contest!! I wanna be cool like the rest of the kids..And there is a reason behind my madness..The SIL has now resorted to sending me the dresses she thinks I would like..I would like them if I were on crack..or stick thin. Let me give you some examples..Also, the colors are black/white/peacock. Here we go..*Addendum* My body type..is shall we say..curvy..I've got a good sized rack (according to the DH, lol) and a bit of a belly..long legs, small hips and ass. So basically. Wonky.

Are we seeing the almost arrows on this dress? And Im a larger size gal, so having arrows pointing directly to my midsection??? Pass. The shoes though? Killer.

This just reminds me of prom gone bad. Im pretty sure my Aunt J had a prom dress like this circa 1987. And again w/the eyes being drawn up right to the ol problem area.












Does she want me to shoot myself? Is this because I haven't been paying 100% attention to her wedding rants lately? She was sending really pretty suggestions (some of which I even liked) and then this. Has she she seen my body type? Oh jeez. And the other 2 BM's, pretty buxom, one is 4 mos post-partum and one is a little larger...wtf!? Helllllp!!
So here's the contest part. Send me a picture of you or someone you know in the ugliest/weirdest/oddest bridesmaid dress that you can find..They'll most likely be displayed here on the blog, so feel free to block out your face if you want too..The winner gets a prize that I would want..Which is what made me think of this (well that & the awful dress selection)..A Yankee candle "sampler." It's the beach set, which ALL smell fantastic and make you think of summer..plus they aren't overpowering. I'll have it shipped directly to your house..So you can email me at DreamGirlL7@yahoo.com w/the pic or leave it in the comments..Im super pumped. This contest will run 1 week..So starting today (April 28) to next Wednesday (May 5th)!!! May the ugliest dress win!!

So our complex is relatively new, and each building has 3 floors. We haven't had neighbors on our floor (the 1st) since we moved in. About 6wks. ago a really nice guy moved in 2 doors down..and then over the weekend another couple moved in right above us..Neither of these pose any problem to us..except for this..The neighbors upstairs STOMP all the time..and we don't have "thin" floors..Like they are stomping like Clydesdales..it is semi-hilarious until it completely gets on my nerves. Like last night. When I could not sleep, and they were stomping. OMG. And they move their furniture around at all hours of the night. Gah. Then..you are not gonna believe this, or maybe you will. 2 doors down guy has a lady friend..and this morning, Allie got out, and we had to lure her w/a car ride..and while Im waiting outside for E & Allie to get back, I hear a smacking noise coming from his apartment..the patio faces the parking lot & the door is open. So being the non-nosey neighbor I am..I move closer to their patio..and she is telling him to smack her on her ass..w/a shoe. WTF!? Bahaha. I had to hold myself to keep from laughing out loud. Then she starts talking..LOUDLY, about other things..and so on and so forth. E had to make me come in. I was cracking up..I thought for sure I blew a stitch. Im all for doing whatever, whenever in your own home, but maybe not so much w/the patio door open..also, I was really tempted to yell out requests like "smack her w/a frying pan" or "punch him in the head." That kind of thing.. You can't be dj'ing your own show & not expect requests..lol. E told me, *firmly* NO!! Now I want to open our patio door & just shout out random stuff, like, throw a bone at me, hit me w/the blanket. Bahaha. Sorry. This made my day.

Yesterday was a *bad* day. Like really bad. And Dr. J, being the saint that he is, refilled my pain medicine..and how about that the Glumetza is like $500 for a months supply..OMG!! So my pharmacist Becca (oh yes I do call her by name, we're that close) called and asked if she could give me the generic, which was only $15.00..And Dr. J's office said yes. Thank goodness!! There was no way I could continue taking it if it was gonna be that much. Yesterday, I was just in so much pain. Like, it hurt to talk. I struggled to carry on a conversation w/o loosing my breath. Then of course, last night, they made me super nauseated, and I couldn't sleep at all. I didn't fall asleep til 7am. So that was nice.

Okay, our chicken cordon bleu pasta is ready..and Im starving..Love you all!! Can't wait to see your dresses!!

Quite Random (With a side of ranting)

This post is gonna be like a potluck..A little bit of everything sprinkled together to make it delicious =)

First and foremost..April 24th-May 1st is National Infertility Awareness Week. Please go here or here to learn more about finding a cure, and being part of the community.

Im going to do the "What If's" that you can find over at Stirrup Queens..But I'll have another post entirely for that. Thinking of posts, did anyone else notice I have almost 610?! I think I surpassed 600 sometime last week. Totally.Awesome.

Also,  I have learned that I will, most likely, never be able to do a natural, unmedicated birth. Seriously. Kudos to the women that can, because my pain tolerance is about nil. And this from just a lap. Im gonna be such a baby if I have to have a c-section (ya know, if & when we get PG).

Also, Im craving such random shit..Like eggo waffles & pancakes..I never, EVER want that kind of stuff. Im sure Im gaining back those 10.2lbs I've lost. Annnd..In the TMI department, I haven't had a BM since Friday morning. Ugh. It sucks. I re-started the Glumetza tonight though, so that should get things moving in that department. OMG. Just talking about pancakes makes me want some. Redonkulous. Oh, and apple juice. OMG. And Yoplait yogurt whips. Shouldn't that be *helping* the BM situation?! Any suggestions?

Oh, and the rant? I know that my surgery isn't a big deal to anyone but me & possibly my DH. But please, have a little respect that maybe I don't feel up to discussing every.minute.detail of your wedding every.moment.of.the.day. Seriously. SIL is driving me nuts. NUTS. She is the kind of person who wants your "opinion" only if it's what she wants to hear. So, as I say to other people in my family, do you want to know my honest opinion or just tell you what you want to hear? I can do both or either. And she doesn't like it when I give my honest opinion if it doesn't agree w/what she thinks. So f-ing irritating. Just like I know my surgery isn't the most important thing to anyone outside my house, neither is your wedding to anyone outside yours. Ugh. I know, what a bitchy MOH I am. But it's all we talk about. Basically, "how are you feeling?" and then "Anyway, back to my wedding/reception/sex life etc." I almost went off today. But I kept my shit together like a good girl.

I can finally get up and down w/ very little assistance. Im still taking tomorrow off from work. I sit for the majority of my day, and it's hard for me to do it for long periods of time. Esp. in my low work chair. Im gonna have to be cool & take my donut to work. Rad. My steri-strips came off my bellybutton incision 2 days ago (is that normal?) and I've been keeping it covered w/one of those huge bandaids. The pelvic incisions..I can only see the HUGE bruise surrounding them, I refuse to remove the bandages (which are sticking like super glue, yay!!) because just seeing the bruise makes my stomach turn. Another ride on the TMI ferris wheel..Some of the scab over my bellybutton incision came off today. Gross. But not painful. But I can feel this tugging sensation on the inside where I know there are more stitches. I made my post-op appt. for May 10th, so hopefully all of this will have subsided by then. Ahh, one more day off will be good for me.

One last thing. Does anyone know why on my sidebar, my "TTC Info" is so spread out? I've fixed it 20,000x and it just goes back to how it is. Any suggestions would be awesome. Also, how do I make a cool signature that some of you have? And this layout, Im kind of done w/it. I know, every week or so..lol.

Off to comment =)

Aaack

I knew there would be a "recovery" period..I just didn't realize I'd feel this shitty. It's like my body needs the pain meds, but is fighting them at the same time. Im so sick of feeling "drugged", but if I wait too long to take them, the pain, the ache is unbearable..seriously. And the bruising..Sweet Mary. It makes my stomach turn to look at the incisions. Jeez. Im not going back to work til Wednesday, so it's a good thing I got a ton of overtime on this last paycheck (plus we got our tax return..woot!!) cause missing 3 days, is gonna kill me. But, I can barely sit for more then 20 minutes..and Im back to using my donut to get up and down off of chairs/the couch/out of the car. Ugh. I feel like my body is a mess. And I still have the gassy issue. Im not gassy per se, but you know how they put gas in your abdomen? I can still feel it and it makes me nauseaus. At least I've gotten a little more sleep today..We'll see how tonight goes..Also, Im so sorry for being a crappy commenter on this ICLW..Hopefully I can catch up tomorrow and Tuesday..But I am reading along..Thank you again for all your well wishes!!

Who & What I am

So Im totally copying this from Mrs. G. Go read her list..After of course, you read mine. I thought this was a very interesting way to prove Im more then just infertile and an epic failure at a complete pregnancy..LOL.

• I am a wife to DH..married for 2 years in October..together for 3 years on May 27th.
• I am a redhead and I love it (bottled as it may be)
• I am a survivor..of RPL, and a carjacking at gunpoint
• I love Nutella..omg..So good
• I am a mother to 6 angel babies..Genevieve, Kara, Amanda, Carson, Mayah, & Grace
• I am one of "those" dog moms..Allie is the greatest and we love her like the furbaby that she is.
• I am a Christian..but sometimes..I tend to be more liberal then conservative
• I am a FaceBook addict
• I love, LOVE the color purple
• I have no tattoos, but I want some.
• My DH is my best friend
• I am adopted and an only child
• DH has a sister whom I am very close too
• I am growing out my hair (which is hard for me to do, esp. in this heat) for 2 reasons, one, said SIL's wedding in December & two, for locks of love after the wedding is over
• I am the "matron of honor" is the wedding
• My DH & I are participating in the raising of a little girl named Moo. Her mother committed suicide right b/f her 2nd birthday and her father is in jail. We are extremely close to her grandma & grandpa, who are her legal guardians. We take her w/us on vacations, and have her 2-3 weekends a month. She is extraordinarily special to us.
• Im 27..but sometimes..I still feel like a little kid =)
• No one makes me laugh more then DH..and vice versa.
• I am a list maker, obviously! Now, do yours!!

I Survived =)

So I finally feel lucid enough to give you an update..Surgery went well & Dr. J told DH & my mom that it was "well worth it." And in my words, I was pretty jacked up in there..lol..

Pre-Op took about an hour..lots of paperwork..and the nurses, the NURSES, were A-Mazing. Seriously. Big ol shout out to St. Vincent Women's Hospital..loved it. Also, the chief of anesthesiology did mine, so didn't I feel special. And very, very well taken care of. My nurse, Marcia, explained everything in detail, got me some Versed, and I was good to go. My allergies & asthma have been super bad lately, so she also hooked me up w/an inhaler. Woot. Dr. J came in, met my momma, was hilarious, as usual, and told me that my pain level all depended on how much I had going on and how extensive he had to get..It was pretty extensive. The pain is a solid 7. But it's mostly from the gas they had to pump in me..They do that to lift the skin off the organs (gross) so he can see better. He cleared a ton of endometriosis & adhesions from my uterus, ovaries, and fallopian tubes, and he said that I had adhesions on/around my kidneys and bowels. Yep. Thats me. Issues when I've never even had surgery (besides the tonsilectomy). The Vicodin is taking the edge off, but it really hurts to get up and down, I have to be super slow. I can't lift anything over 25lbs for 10 days, and no "relations" for 2 weeks!! GAH!!

And here for your viewing enjoyment (*DISCLAIMER, this is not for the squeamish..there is a little blood) is Day 1 of my incisions. You can barely see the bruises, esp. on my bellybutton, but they are for sure there. Yuck.

This is the bellybutton incision..the band-aid is doing a good job of covering up all the yuck..I looked..and usually Im not to squeamish...Uh my stomach turned. Yuck.

These are the two pelvic incisions. Don't look too close at the fat..but see the bruises..yeah, they are that times about 100 underneath the bandaids..You all remember how badly I bruise. Im gonna look really cute.

And finally, the IV site. Nurse Marcia got it in on the first try and it hardly hurt at all. I had a bit of a reaction to the tape, but it's okay. Look @ those veins. Looks like I'd be an easy poke..but those capillaries are deceiving.








Oh! Dr. J also made me a DVD of my surgery, and he narrates it. I don't know if I'll be able to watch it. Seeing surgery on another person is one thing, seeing it on myself..I don't know.

Okay..Im starting to feel the pain..So Im gonna go lay down. Thank you for all your love and well wishes!!

Im Loosing My Sh*t

Im so, so nervous about tomorrow. 2 reasons..1) What is all this is for nothing? What if we still can't get pregnant or miscarry again? 2) What if something goes wrong (like I die). I told E I was gonna make a will, and divvy out all my stuff. He told me I was retarded and to go back and watch TV. Brrnt. My stomach just aches..ugh. And I can't take the old standby..Ambien..So I epically fail at sleeping normally, now, no dice. It's not happening tonight...

Also, I apologize in advance for the commenting I'll probably be not doing in the next 24-48hrs. Surgery was supposed to be on May 7, so when I signed up for ICLW, I figured I'd be able to do it. We'll see. I'll do what I can. I am defn. reading..Also..here's what I did w/my toes..I feel pretty =)

Purple prettiness. I also got a hot coral color. Im a big fan. Don't look too close. You'll see I haven't had a pedicure in awhile..Oh but I did get part of my bonus today..Hmm..Vicodin & a pedicure.. Let's roll!!

And here's the color. It's called "Let's Dance" and it's by Sinful colors..They had so many, it was hard to choose..well 2. Also, just FYI, they are ALL $1.99 @ Walgreens right now. Usually, almost $5.00..So go get some..














Now, off to comment..=) I'll update tomorrow when Im out of surgery and off the drugs.

ICLW Intro-April 2010

Getting to know you (or me, in this case) w/ "50 Secrets." And away we go...

1. Who was your last text from? My mom, letting me know that she & my dad were home from vacation
2. Where was your profile picture take at? My parents house, right before the symphony in Dec. 09.
3. Your relationship status? Big time married..We had a huge fall wedding on October 4, 2008..and we've been together since May 27, 2007..Wow, almost 3 years!!
4. Have you ever lost a close friend? To death? No..to addiction, yes...and I miss her.
5. What is your current mood? Nervous, scared, full. Nervous & scared about my surgery Friday..full cause DH bought be a coney dog from Dairy Queen..Nom nom.
6. What are your sibling(s) name(s)? I don't have any siblings..but DH has a sister..and she and I are pretty close..Her name is L (I don't want to do her full name, God forbid she finds this blog).
7. Do you have a job? Don't I wish I was a stay-at-home wife (or better yet, stay-at-home mom) but in real life Im a medical assistant..for captain of the crazies..seriously.
8. Where do you wish you were right now? Usually I would say the mountains or the ocean, but right now, I wish I were on the other side of my surgery.
9. Do you have a crazy side? Uh, read through just a few of my posts and you tell me..Maybe I have more of an ADD side then crazy.
10. Do you have a near death experience? I can give you 3 examples. 1) Falling off the diving board and hitting the side of the pool during swimming lessons when I was 11 2) My first asthma attack at age 19 in which I passed out and 3) Getting caught in a rip tide in Virginia Beach when I was 21. Awesome. Oh wait, wait 4) Our 2nd miscarriage in which I almost bled to death when I was 26, that was great.
11. Something you do a lot? F*cking curse. A lot. Like a f*ckton. So if that (or massive amounts of sarcasm) bother you..umm this is not the place for you..Sorry to sound like a b-word.
12. Angry at anyone? Besides myself and my worthless body? Not really.
13. Are you in a relationship? Isn't this the same as my relationship status? Married=18 mos Together=35mos.
14. When was the last time you cried? Umm, last Friday. Work was that bad. But I did it in my car. I for real did not want my boss to know he had "gotten" to me.
15. Is there anyone you would do anything for? DH, Moo, my mom & dad
16. What do you think about when you are falling asleep? My miscarried babies, how much I love DH, and how I epically fail at falling asleep (thank you Eli Lilly for Ambien CR).
17. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? DH =)
18. What is your favorite song? Go Low by Ludacris, Crystal Blue Persuasian by Tommy James & the Shondells, Need You Now by Lady Antebellum, & Smile by Uncle Kracker
19. What are you doing right now? Listening to the Beach Boys, and typing this entry..oh and I just took away the silly putty I realized Allie (the dog) was chewing on..Thats not awesome.
20. Do you trust anyone? Completely? That's few & far between. I trust DH & my family.
21. Where did you get the shirt you are wearing? Target..love love!!
22. Who is the friend that lives closest to you? KL & my momma
23. Describe your life in one word: Blessed
24. Who are you thinking of right now? Dr J. and the surgical team. I know, can you tell what's taking over my brain?
25. What should you be doing right now? Cleaning up the house & laundry..as per usual, I've just let it stack up. Gah.
26. What are you listening to? Now, the Beatles "Let It Be"
27. Who was the last person that gave you a hug? DH <3
28. Who was the last person that yelled at you? Not really yelled, but got sassy? Tea
29. Do you act differently around your friends? Depends..I try to tone down the sarcasm..but usually..Im just myself. What's the point of having friends you have to change for?
30. What is your natural hair color? I have not a clue. I think dark brown? Let me look @ my roots..Yeah, some kind of brown. It's currently red..which I tell people is natural (and they say I look like a redhead, rock on) but I was born white blonde. Like albino blonde. It's the oddest thing.
31. Who was the last person to make you laugh really hard? Again, DH, his sense of humor is the raddest. We just really fit well together.
32. Who was the last person to make you sad or pissed? Dr. S..as usual.
33. What do you hear? Allie chewing on her bone & the Beatles.
34. Is your hair curly or straight? The longer it's getting, the wavy-er it's getting..Im growing it out for my SIL's wedding (in December, Im the MOH) and then Im donating it to Locks of Love.
35. Has anyone called you "scrumptious" before? Mhmm..yes sir.
36. Do you have a "best friend?" Not really. Im equally close to all of my friends..Although I would have to say that Melissa pretty much rocks my socks.
37. Do you use smiley faces on the computer? Yes. Too much I'm sure.
38. Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle? Who hasn't done this? I remember having to change whenever we went swimming when I was a kid. Duh.
39. Are you happy w/life right now? Not exactly. Im content. But we have 5 m/c behind us (in 14 mos. no less, I've had 6 total, 1 before DH). I'd be happier to be healthy & pregnant..or have a real, live baby.
40. Are you currently jealous? F*ck yes. I don't kow what my deal is lately...but I've actually had to "hide" some friends on FB because they are pregnant, and all their status updates deal w/this. Oh, and on April 2nd, my cousin announced she is expecting on our anniversary..at my grandma's 80th b-day party. I lost it. Jealousy at it's finest.
41. What jewelry are you currently wearing? Engagement ring, wedding band, pearl ring, earrings (2 in each ear), necklace, and (ear) cartilage piercing.
42. What were you doing Friday night? Umm, is it bad that neither DH nor I can remember? I think maybe we went to DQ and took a drive? IDK.
43. Have you ever had your heart broken? Yep..but it's all healed up now =)
44. Have you ever broken anyone's heart? Yeah..and that was tough. Not a fan.
45. Is there anybody you are really disappointed in right now? Yeah..myself, Obama (and don't leave snarky remarks, just cause I don't like him, doesn't mean you have to feel the same way), a co-worker, a friend..
46. What was the last reason you went to the doctor for? Pre-op consult w/a side of UTI.
47. How late did you stay up last night & why? 11:00..dude..We had to watch last week & this week's episodes of Deadliest Catch..We *HAD* to.
48. Where are you right now? In the kitchen, at my desk & "workspace."
49. How old are you? 27..gah, almost 30!!
50. What is your TTC status? Umm..RPL, PCOS, Endometriosis, 6 m/c. Seeing a WONDERFUL RE, Dr. J (who has successful gotten 2 people that I *know* pregnant), on a low carb/sugar diet (and only cheating 2x or so a week), taking 1500mg Glumetza, and scheduled for a lap/endo ablasion/ovarian dyothermy/septum repair on Friday. Ugh. Bring on the Vicodin.

Seriously..

"Jealousy injures us with the dagger of self-doubt." Terri Guillmets

Sometimes, an email or a FB status update can just really turn the dagger and twist it. The self-doubt, fear, loathing, hating my body, all of the above are in real form today. And Im scared about Friday. So thats fun.

Ugh. Bed. Night.

Another Day For Some, Another Missed Birthday For Me

Mayah Leigh...oh goodness..as Im sure you've figured out..mommy has some weird quirks about her..One of them is that I have a "favorite" day of the year. About as soon as the test dried last summer, mommy ran to the EDD calendar because she had an inkling of her due date..and she was right. April 18, 2010. April 18 is mommy's favorite day (besides the usuals...daddy's birthday, my birthday, Christmas, Easter, etc.) For some reason, this day just stands out at me. I don't know if it's spring just on the cusp of summer, all of the grass and flowers growing, the beautiful sunshine, the warmth, the storms, I just love it. So to find out we were expecting you on that day, made mommy so excited. Daddy just rolled his eyes and smiled. You even had a nickname..Oven-Mit baby..Because on those first tests we took, we could only see the + under the light of the oven..and daddy said you'd fit into an oven mit, so it stuck. I rembered those days that we had you, daddy would call to check to see if the "oven mit" was settling in. And we thought you were sweet girl.

You had to leave us sweet girl. On August 16, 2009. Mommy was devastated. Daddy just numb. We had figured the third time was the charm for us..and it was not to be. God had more important things for you to do in heaven. But, because of loosing you, we kicked into high gear to figure out why. And now we have a fantastic doctor who has mourned our losses with us, and let mommy cry more then once over her fears of the past and for the future. Thank you sweet Mayah, for the time we had with you. You made us both giddy with excitement..Have a great birthday w/your sisters and brother. Love on them for me, will ya?

Escape

Sometimes, it just hits me. And it hits hard. Like rain pounding into the earth..leaving little tiny cracks..that trickle down..just a bit at a time, but loosing ground all the while..

We've lost 5 babies. 5. Double the amount of children the "traditional" family has in a lifespan. Where is our "2.5?"

Sometimes..the hurt is so great, the hole in my heart is so big, the ache is so strong, I actually shake. All of the sudden, looking at pictures of new babies..I was struck, like lightening. Sometimes, I feel like part of me is literally missing. Part of me I will never get back. 5 losses in one year. 6 in my lifetime. 6 pieces of my heart. 6 "what ifs." 6 "what nows." Babies, I miss you.

Mommy fights everyday for you. It is my sincerest hope that when you do send a kicking, screaming baby, that he or she embodies all of you. All of your quirks, your aspirations, habits. I know, it's a lot to put onto one baby..So maybe you could send more then one, more then once? I love you. Daddy loves you.

Oh, it hurts.

Oh Hell

Bullets because I don't have the energy...

• Today was hellishly horrendous. Dr. S was a jackbag, and he knew it, and for once, I didn't take any shit...and got a "Im sorry" text message in return..Which, if you knew him like I know him, took A LOT for him to do. I haven't responded yet.
• Im on my 2nd glass of wine, I've been home 20 minutes..So yeah..
• I think Im ovulating, like on my own. I haven't tested in months because of the m/c and wack-a-doo cycles, but wouldn't it be just my luck to get PG this cycle, when Im supposed to have surgery Friday...How early would a blood test come back???
• My husband? Yeah, he's the greatest.
• My dog? A goof.
• My jealousy? Blurred around the edges right now, and Im okay w/that.
• Off to take a fucking HOT, wrinkle my skin bath w/the bottle of wine. Uh huh, that good of a day.
• Oh and I have a hugantic blood blister from the "cute" shoes I wore today. Painful? Yes. Worth it? Completely.
• Love you all!!!

Angry/Jealous/Peeved

First off, before I begin this rant, let me start off by saying a big "thank you" for all your comments and well wishes for DH. He said he felt good about the interview..which I take as a good sign. He said he answered all the questions, but didn't try to tell his life story..We should know if 10-14 days if he has made it through to the next step..This police stuff is a waiting game, kind of like IF..which leads me to..

Why am I not pregnant!??!?! I am so sick of hearing about everyone else getting pregnant easily, or telling us assanine things like "relax" or "it'll happen in God's time." Do they think we (I) don't know this!!? Do they think I have laid on the bed after sex w/my legs up against the headboard until I could no longer feel them or tried certain fruits/vegetables/positions/juice/vitamins/EVERYTHING under the sun to try and get pregnant?! And hello!! Getting pregnant is only half the battle for us..Shall we discuss our 5 losses in 14 months!? Shall we discuss my loss @ almost 11 weeks? The one that made it the furthest? And I know that one was "probably for the best." But that doesn't make me miss her any less. I miss every single baby, every single. There is not a DAY that goes buy that I don't think about how old they would be, or how pregnant I would be. WTF?! Seriously. Im so sick of this. I don't feel any closer to being pregnant now then we were six months ago. I guess we are, since we are now seeing an RE that gives a shit about us, but still. And I know I've had 2 cycles in a row, but Im having the lap next Friday and Im afraid thats gonna screw everything up. Sometimes I just wanna scream. And Im still hung up on my cousin being pregnant. I KNOW. But just to be blindsided like that (well I guess I wasn't, since I had had that speculation for weeks). But still, she's due on our anniversary (stab) and I should be well into my 20th week w/our Christmas baby. Can you imagine? I know I can. And I also know that I am actually afraid of getting PG again. Im so ready, but I am so NOT ready for the aftermath of having another miscarriage. I know you can never be prepared for something like that, but this time, I don't know if I'd recover. Oh, and how about that my cousin told me, again, that this was a "happy accident" pregnancy. Must be fucking nice. Ugh. Im sorry, I just had to get this out or I was going to explode. Also, is it bad that I want to ask every pregnant patient that we have whether they were ttc or not? I want to know if anyone is in the same boat as me. I know. Weirdo alert.

Okay, now Im gonna try to sleep some of the is negativness off..we'll see how it goes.

A Quick Request

I know, I've been full of them lately =)

Could you please send prayers, good luck vibes, etc DH's way today? He is driving to Sellersburg, IN (about 3 hours south of us) for the Indiana State Police interview. He has done this a few other times, but I know this time he is really confident, but still had jitters this morning..It would be fantastic if he got an offer from them (ISP is his first choice). Thank you in advance..

PS: Also, please tell me why the insomnia is back full force?! I didn't get to sleep til 2am last night (or this morning?) and thats to late to take an Ambien, and then woke up w/him at 4am. I.am.exhausted.

What TTC Does

I was just thinking about the way that RPL and TTC have changed our lives..For instance..This is how "normal" couples go about getting a baby..

And how my DH & I are going about having a baby...

That would be Glumetza, baby aspirin, folic acid, prilosec (for the ulcer, not so much the baby making) and Prozac (for the crazies, which helps w/the baby making, lol). As DH said yesterday, thats a lot of pills. Yep. Whatever it takes..That doesn't even show the Lovenox injections we'll have to do should Dr. J, DH, and myself be successful at this staying pregnant thing.



TTC bring w/it a lot of fear and apprehension. I am constantly questioning my cycles. Did I ovulate? Will AF show? If she does, why didn't we "catch" the egg? If I am PG, will I miscarry? How many more m/c can my body take? If we do manage to stay pregnant, will my baby live? It's just a constant barrage of self-doubt and questions. And I am always scared. Seriously. Like no debilitating, but scared and always doing the "what-if" dance. I also am a big fan of worse-case scenarios. I've always been like that, but being in this boat has brought it more to the surface.

I so badly want to be pregnant again, but I want to be healthy, and healed. And I know that nothing is guranteed, but I know that getting pregnant on our own right now would not be the best decision. Im also super scared that I'll have the surgery, and they'll get in there and nothing will be wrong. I think, in the least, I have endometriosis. The cramps are so, so bad. They are beyond cramps, and Dr. J said that is caused by the endo. Also, he drew me a picture of a normal uterus, which looks like an upside down U, my looks like a heart..so he says I have, at least, a partial septum, which he will fix during surgery. Im afraid of the anesthesia. I've only been under a general one other time, for my tonsillectomy, and Im just so scared. IDK.

TTC also brings moments of pure, unadultered joy, as seen at Christina's blog today..and it also brings, immense, breathtaking sadness, which happened to Kelly today (see my earlier post, and please, go bring tons of love to both of these ladies). It takes away the "magic" of seeing 2 pink lines, but I feel, as a couple living w/IF & RPL, when we do finally get our miracle baby, we will be so much more thankful, because we had to try so much harder for our baby. Not that woman who don't have to "try" aren't thankful and happy, but after months/years of trying to do something that to most people comes naturally, it will be just such a relief, such a joy. TTC have changed our lives. It almost tore us apart, but now we are stronger then ever, and I know that, even if we can't have biological children, things will be okay because DH & I are together....

But...a Mother's Day BFP would be really, really awesome..just FYI God =)

Virtual Love

Again, something too important to post later..One my good blogg friends, who is also suffering w/RPL, needs massive amounts of love and support right now. Please, PLEASE go over to Kelly's place and flood her with love, hugs, and anything else she needs. She just returned from the ER, where she found out her HCG is way behind where it should be..She feels that her #4 miscarriage is quickly approaching..From someone who has been there, there is nothing that can make this "better" but bloggy love and support never hurts. Thank you..

A Happy Spring Day

We have Moo this weekend..She just makes life sparkle..like the Cullens sparkle only 100x more..oh yes I did reference Twilight..=)

This week was fantastic at work. Dr. S was gone, things were smooth, Dr. B rocked it (speaking of rocks, she got her permenant ring..1.91 carat solitaire..hello), and I am dreading him coming back..

We are headed to the store to get groceries and Moo an outfit for church tomorrow..We are surprising my MIL at her church and then going to lunch for E's (belated) birthday. Im kind of excited..lol. Dork. I know.

And for your viewing pleasure..some more pics..I've been in a very picture taking mood recently..and as a sidenote..I am so, SO ready to go back here..

I really like the "view" of this picture..Moo & Allie were just so peaceful out on the porch..and the chair is so much bigger then Moo..Our patio furniture are our beach chairs (because we haven't gotten proper furniture yet) and Moo said she felt like she was back at the beach..aww..

Last night we went to my parents for dinner..and we took Allie along (if you remember, my mom is in love w/her, she is the "granddog") and she completely was not having the sitting in the back seat stuff..She pushed herself up onto E's lap & helped him drive..It was hilarious. She kept rolling the windows up and down, and then looking at him like, "what dad?"

Any picture I have of our girl smiling is my favorite. She's gorgeous. And this pic just embodies Allison. She is the protector, and constant, wonderer..What are you doing guys?

Do you see my baby? She isn't a baby anymore!!

This is also last night..My parents have this fantastic hot tub that lights up & has waterfalls and all this stuff..Moo loves it. Here my mom was singing to her and she was dancing in the hot tub..love it.

See how she poses? Wonder where she got that from? ;)

So I have never been pro-family bed..But last night..this was just to cute not to capture..That's DH to the far left, Moo, in the middle, my spot on the far right and Allie at the foot of the bed..Cause seriously, how awesome is having everyone cuddled together?

Again, last night..Moo literally tried to pull Allie into the hot tub..She wanted to get in, but we wouldn't help her out..She was not a fan of that.

This is the first picture that Moo has ever taken..My mom showed her how to use the camera, how to focus, all of that. It was really cute. Then today, after I came home from work, there were about 50 pictures of random things around the house, including the tv, the dog, the ceiling, the floor, the toilet, etc...Wonder how those got on the camera?

Here's Moo's bling. She found an old purse and it had about 50 millon pieces of jewelry in it..She looked like Mr. T. Honestly =)

I love this picture. It's one my favorites. I freaking love it. (And it's not even posed.)

And last but not least..our girl, again w/her wild child hair...Love it!!

A Request

Please, please go over and send as much love, hope, and good thoughts as you can to Noelle. She had her 19week anatomy scan..and things were not as they are supposed to be. She has complete placenta previa and the baby's femur is measuring 3 weeks behind. She is obviously extremely upset and could use as much support as possible.

Also, please go visit Kelly as she had her first u/s today w/a very unhelpful doctor. She was hoping to at least see the heartbeat, but instead, the doctor informed her that it wasn't a big deal that they didn't. He took very few pictures and said very few words..leaving her very concerned. She could use some words of encouragement and love herself.

Thank you very much for doing this for me..I'll have a longer post later..but this was just too important to wait.

Big Storm & The Green Monster

So I thought we had a whammy of a thunderstorm the other night..We had tornado warnings tonight!! It's been insane. The rain is coming down at a rate of 1-2 inches/hour..That'd be a lot of snow..Im glad it's not. It's been raining for about 4 hours. It's so peaceful..and the thunder and lightening..so cool. I remember how scared I used to be of storms. I'd sleep on my parents floor or in the bonus room attached to their bedroom. Amazing how it makes us feel safe from something completely uncontrollable, like the weather, when we know we are surrounded by those we love. As a sidenote..Moo is the same way. She loves the storms, but even if it is just raining, she has to be between DH & I the *whole* night. There is no moving her to her bed. It's like she has a 6th sense on stormy nights. Oh, and Miss Allie, also not a fan. Currently, at the end of the bed, not moving an inch..and her allergies!! Poor girl, we gave her 1/2 a benadryl tonight, and that seemed to help..

Also, I am having big ol jealousy issues. It just amazes me how far removed I felt from people's PG annoucements, or having babies, or FB statuses or whatever..But it I think I just moved the denial to the back of my brain until the announcement last weekend. That brought it completely to a head. I just wish I were at least pregnant, or on that road. I know it's progress to have 2 cycles in a row, and to have the lap scheduled, but still. Ya know? I think of all the "could-have-beens" and how the 18th is another EDD. Im so ready to be past these unfulfilled due dates. Does that sound heartless? Im ready to BE DUE and HAVE A BABY. I wish it were that easy. I wish I didn't have to take meds, and whip my ovaries into shape, and have shit scraped out of my, quite possible, septate uterus. I want to just sleep w/my husband, and oops, we're pregnant. I know. A girl can dream. On the other hand, I comepletely, completely do not think I can handle another m/c..so when we do get PG, I want to be under Dr. J's care and watchful eye. I know he can't prevent everything, but having my cycles monitored and starting the injections as soon as we get a +test makes me feel much more solid. June just seems far away. I know it's not, and we might be able to "actively" try sooner since we've moved up the surgery..but we've already waited over 18 months. Lets get this show on the road. Oh, and something my mom said, that just kind of ripped at my heart (even though she was saying it completely lovingly) was "maybe your body just isn't made to have babies." "You have asthma, and this overactive ovaries thing, and you've lost 6 babies. Maybe your body is sending you signs." Oh sweet Lord. It was all I could do to not loose.my.shit. Im sorry, but we just aren't at that point yet. We had a shitty RE up until last month, and I feel like my body CAN do this..and it wants too. The Glumetza is controlling the ovary situation and I feel like my asthma is under control. I know she meant this in the most loving way (because I am adopted, and her body just could not sustain a pregnancy, she almost died, twice) and she doesn't want anything bad to happen to me, but I want to keep trying until Dr. J tells me we are finished. Ya know? Or we burn out. We are absolutely not against adoption or using a surrogate, Im just not there yet. I held my composure and told her she might be right, but that Dr. J did not see an issue and we were going to keep trying for now.

Oh, and also, don't put "we may have big news" as your FB status unless you want EVERYONE to thing you are pregnant. I had to put an addendum about 15x. E sat in front of a local county police department merit board last night...and he did FANTASTIC!!! Unfortunately, they have zero positions open right now, but he is on the approved hiring list, which means that next time they have a position open, he moves to the head of the class. Im so excited! This is a big deal!!

Okay, the rain is lulling me to sleep...More tomorrow..

Nothing Much

That's basically how my life is right now..Not a lot going on..Just everyday stuff..If you want to skip this post entirely, I completely understand.

It was freakishly hot here today..Like 83 degrees hot. Like broke the record hot. And it.was.lovely!! Winter was long and hard this year (although, not as bad as the East coast) and I am all kinds of ready for spring/summer..So are my allergies. This bouncing around from 30-70 degrees was not working for me..Although, storms are supposed to roll in tonight and bring the temps back down to the low sixties. Gah. Oh well, warm is warm. Oh and we had a whopper of a storm last night!! It was so cool. Thunderboomers are my favorite..and it was just like summer storms, where you can feel the electricity in the air..Love it.

Hmm..what else? Oh yeah, Dr. J's office called and asked if I could reschedule my surgery to April 23..yes please. This makes me super happy, esp. right now because I am in the throes of really, REALLY painful cramps. If the lap/ablasion takes care of only that, it will have been worth it. I literally was up for 3 hours last night because of the pain. I finally broke down and called Dr. J and his nurse called me in some Vicodin, which helps, but knocks me out. Im gonna have to only take half of one when I go to work, or I'll need a nap. Hey, also, if anyone knows..I think Im having an allergic reaction to one or all of my meds. My hands and feet itch something terrible..Im currently taking the Vicodin, Glumetza, Predisone, Prozac, & Prilosec OTC. I'll be finished w/the steroids tomorrow, so I guess we'll know if thats what's interacting in a couple of days. I feel like it might be the culprit, because in the past, it's always made my skin more prone to inflammation. I don't want to stop taking any of the other stuff cause it's necessary and it's working and the good is outweighing the bad so far...but I was literally scratching my palms and soles raw today. It was awesome. Ugh, now Im itching thinking about it.

Gosh, this post is so boring, lol. What isn't boring is that my 4 sweet blogger friends that are all big ol pregnant, had updated PG posts one right after another. It was so cool to see in my reader. Isn't it weird how some people's pregnancies (like my cousins for me) affect you in such a visceral way, and other people's (like the above mentioned bloggy friends) affect you in such a happy go lucky way? I've noticed that there are just certain people that I want to see have happy & healthy pregnancies that I am easily happy for them..and other people I am just insanely jealous of and angry about how "easily" they got pregnant. Yes. Im still hung up on Megan's annoucement. How it was an accident. How her DH was mad that he wasn't "in control" but now he's "super excited." IDK. I would give anything for a happy accident, esp. one that sticks. I would love to get PG and not have to worry for the next 12 weeks that I was going to stay PG and then worry for the next 25 weeks or so after that the baby was going to be okay. Sorry to keep harping on this. It just drives me nuts. Plus, 2 friends delivered sweet baby girls in the last week (one on the 28th and one this morning) and it's just like, gah, another EDD is coming up, and Im just ready for a baby. Dr. J seems really confident for us though, so Im trying to stay positive. Plus, 2 cycles on my own, out of nowhere? Something is working out correctly!!

Okay, thats enough for now. This is way longer then I intended it to be. Im off to dreamland, where hopefully there are no wake-you-up cramps tonight.

PS: I love, LOVE being able to sleep w/the windows open..We live right on the water, and hearing all the sounds (even though the geese honk ALL NIGHT) is really peaceful. =)

Also..

Today is Miss Allison Renee's 2nd birthday..she had a great big ol bone filled w/meat..which she is currently devouring. Also, my mom is IN LOVE w/her and said she hadn't seen her "granddog" in over a month..So we took her to my grandma's house after Easter service and she had a hayday in her big ol fenced in backyard..It was so cute, and she is exhausted. Happiness for everyone =)

Today is also marks the fact that DH & I have been married for a year and a half. For those that have been reading, thats kind of a milestone because one year ago, we were headed for divorce. We were not in a good place and it still makes me sick to my stomach to think about how close we came to loosing each other. He leaned over today during church and said "Happy 18 mos." Aww. I know. Im just so lucky. Really, I really am.

Thank you all very much for your sweet comments and support, and for bringing me back down to earth. Sometimes, I can only see *my* point of view or *my* feelings and I forget not everyone in the whole wide world has had to contend w/infertility and RPL...therefore, they don't understand how hard it is, or know what the "right" thing to say is. This weekend, that was hard to remember, but Im thankful that someone reminded me. But still..it's hard, ya know?

And the Butler bulldogs won!! So exciting. They are in the championship game tomorrow night w/Duke (which I HATE). I really wanted WV to win, but oh well. Hopefully the dawgs can pull it and take it home. That would be so exciting...

Now some pictures for your viewing pleasure =)

Allie made a new friend today..her name was Katie and she lives just down the street from my grandma. Our vet told us that Boxers are one of the only breed that recognize others in their breed family..Kind of cool. And I might be partial, but I think Ol Al is pretty dang cute.

Here is E & I at my grandma's birthday dinner..We are so darn cute too. LOL. My mom said to take off my glasses cause she kept getting the reflection in them..I hate how I look w/o them..But here that is..

AAAAAAAAAAACK!! Yikes. Moving on!!

Here is another one of Katie & Allie. I've never seen a fawn boxer w/as much "flash" (the white fur on the body & face) as Katie had. She was so pretty, and BIG. They said she started out as lean as Allie, and got broader about the time she was 4. And they said it is true, that they don't calm down from puppyhood til about 5 years..Oh Jeez.

This is my sweet baby cousin Gracie. How cute is she!? Those big blue eyes..adorable..and she took her first, unassisted steps this weekend. It was so awesome. I haven't seen her since Christmas, when she was a day away from turning one, and it's amazing how much she has grown and changed.

This is a picture of a picture..My grandma is on the far right, Im in the middle, and my mom is on the far left. I am totally dorking it out w/those bangs..But it was HS graduation..had to rock out the cool hair=)

18 months today!! This is the great DH &I after Easter service..I think this is a pretty rad pic of us..And how hot is my hub? Seriously =)

Here is another old pic from 2002, taken at my aunts baby shower..Look how blonde & skinny I was..Good grief!!

And here is my grandma at her party..giving her speech..and then announcing she was gonna be a great grandma..gah. But still, how exciting for her!!











Okay, this is long enough. I must go catch up on the laundry and got some stuff done around the house =)

Happy Easter!!

On Easter morning two thousand years ago, an angel said the words that would change all of history: "He is not here; he has risen, just as he said." Those words form the basis for Easter and are the central hope of Christianity. Now that Christ has risen from the tomb, we can be restored to a relationship with God.

I hope everyone has a wonderful and blessed holiday...

Families Say The Darndest Things

Oh the loads of assvice just come pouring in..from people who have NO CLUE how I feel. Just a few of the gems from today...
"Everything happens for a reason."
"Keep your faith. It will happen when it's supposed to."
"JUST RELAX." (Oh really?! FUCKING REALLY????)
"Try adoption, then you'll for sure get pregnant."
"Just keep your head up."
"Don't loose faith in God." (Which I completely have not, just in my body.)
I literally did not think in this day & age, that people actually still thought relaxing=baby. Uhh, seriously? Pretty sure that there are a ton of stressful, unplanned pregnancies every year. Gah. Wtf?

Oh, and I did my good deed for the year. I got her some baby gifts, just some onesies and a little froggie outfit. I did not apologize, but I told her that I didn't want her to be sad, just because I was. And I don't. She told me that she was trying to be "as sensitive as possible." And I told her, sensitivity isn't possible in this position, not being blindsided would have been nice, but I know how fun the element of surprise is. She was really acting, different today. We haven't been close since we were young. Her family moved to Nebraska & then Arkansas when I was about 10, so we only saw each other once in awhile. Now she & her husband live in Baltimore, and FB is about the extent of our conversations. Today, she was like, at my hip. I don't know what it was. And she did the staring thing again. At one point, I took her outside and told her that I didn't want to be pitied or anything and I wanted her to enjoy this time, and to stop being so clingy. I know. Be nice, but still. I don't need a constant reminder of what I don't have going on. It was just weird. Like, if you didn't know us, you'd think we were super close. Maybe even sisters.

The party went really well. Over 100 people showed up. There was really good food (which the glumetza cleared from my body..sweet Mary. That is no joke). But it really is a good portion control and I only had one sliver of cake. No sweet tea, no cookies, no fruit (cause it was all sugar covered w/yogurt dip stuff). It was defn. a 2 Prozac day, so I've been feeling kind of tired, plus the steroids are really doing a number on me. Last night was rough, DH & I talked and talked, til about 4 am. He just let me rant and rave and reminded me that no matter what, he wanted me, babies or not. Lots of crying, lots of cursing...but I felt better, but was wide awake @ 8am.

Okay, the Butler game is on and I must go cheer on my Dawgs!!!

PS: Thank you, thank you, thank you, from the bottom of my semi-shattered heart for all of the love & support!!

Oh yeah..AF showed her bitch ass..25 days after my last cycle. So the Glumetza is working, but could it have come at a crappier time? Gah. But yeah for 2 cycles in a row!!

She's Pregnant

They're due on our anniversary, October 4, 2010.
I knew as soon as I saw her. Bigger boobs, poochy belly, glowy. My mom even made a comment to me, and if my mom says you're pregnant, you are.
I held it together really, really well during dinner.
She kept STARING at me the whole fucking time.
Everyone knew, cause she's about 15 weeks. So grandma and whomever else has known forever.
My aunt (her mom) made fun of my mom when they were struggling to conceive to, even to go so far as to say that "God didn't want them to have biological kids because they would obviously be bad parents." Yeah, that deep.
I made it through the annoucement, and then, started hyperventilating as soon as they said the EDD.
E took me outside, where I literally dry heaved for a few seconds and just shook w/sobs.
Grandma came out and told me to "just relax, things happen when they are supposed to, everything happens for a reason." REALLY!? What reason is there for us having FIVE dead babies and them having a "happy accident?"
I could not stop crying. Like I haven't done since we lost the baby in January. I was on the verge of hysterics.
My mom came out and we just cried. I didn't know what else to do.
I made E take me home. I just couldn't go back in. 2 of my aunts (who also have had RPL) have already made comments to my mom that I ruined her moment.
Im not going to apologize for not being super excited. I would never wish what we are going through on my worst enemy, but she can never, ever empathize w/us.
Im crushed. Im sick. And I started my 3 Glumetza tonight..and have been nauseaus all night.
The rest of the weekend should be great.
Tell me what to do. How to act. How to be that fake little happy. Im numb.

Crazy Weekend

Quickly..in bullet formation =)

• Work today from 8-2
• Run to SOMEWHERE and find something doesn't A)make me look 80 & B) doesn't show up the pms pooch and the fact that weight doesn't magically fall off
• Grab about an hour nap (I've been exhausted after work)
• Head to the other side of town for Grandma's 80th birthday dinner..So excited!! My dad's whole side of the family (all 30 of us) will be there..I haven't seen some of them since our wedding and I haven't seen my grandma since Christmas
• Oh yeah, on the drive, make sure my mom has told my grandma we miscarried..I don't know that she did and that would be a really fun dinner being asked about the DB.
• Worry to no end that my older cousing Meg is going to to annouce she's pregnant..Completely loose my shit if she does...(in the bathroom, of course).
• Start 3 pills of Glumetza (Dr. J Im tolerating things well, all things considered.) He said it usually takes people 1-2 weeks to work up to 3 pills. Guess my system is as messed up as I thought. Oh and I forgot who suggested it (Im sorry) but taking them right *after* I eat seems to lead to less jumbly stomach-ness. Good news. Bad news? Steroids make me a starving, mean ol bitch. GAH.
• Drive home, sleep. E has the ISP physical agility test tomorrow at 2pm, so he's going to miss the next fun event..a birthday open house for, oh 250 people at my grandmas church from 1-4..then cleanup. Yay. He'll be brining Allie over to my parents after he gets fnished (around 5) and we'll all watch the BUTLER game!! Yay, go Bulldogs!!
• Easter Sunday..go to sunrise service at my grandmas church (again, w/the whole family) then brunch at grandmas house.
• Come home some time Sunday night.
• We have so much laundry to do, I know Im gonna be wiped out, laundry may have to wait til after work on Monday. We'll see.
• Sometime during all this you can count on me to be fantasizing about..how old any of our babies would be, how pregnant I would be if I still was from our Christmas BFP, how I want to see my grandma hold her great grandchild, how I want my parents to hold their grandbaby, shit, how I want my HUSBAND to hold his son or daughter..Being around family just makes me melancholy. I know. I won't let it ruin anything, but it makes it tough. Whatever.
• Update and great pictures to follow as the weekend progresses =)