waiting for dinner

this may have been evident to everyone around me, but i just kind of realized today that i want to live a simple life. i'm so exhausted with living in a big city, working my ass off to get to some ultimate glamourous goal. i just want to get married to someone nice and have a family. and maybe not have to work at all. i'm just sick of focusing on myself. i'm sick of waiting for something good to happen but i also don't have the energy to figure out anymore how to achieve what i want. i want to exist in the moment, bake pies, go to the mall, worry about nothing. i don't even really need riches, i just need to not worry, and perhaps afford the occasional $400 shoe or dress. i wish guys wanted this too but they don't. they are selfish. maybe it's just sunday.

slipping from my happy place

paris was cool but that's all i really have to say about that. really, i was so happy to be back in LA. the day after i got back i just soaked up so much sun and it made me feel good. nate took me to my fave brunch spot, the griddle and i ate half my body weight. i took my leftover money and went shopping at my fave store american rag. then i went to happy hour with j dev and ashley k. it was a perfect day and i've been nonstop happy since.

i've been spending a lot of time with nate and i srsly feel like i'm on cloud 9 whenever i'm with him. sometimes i have to check myself though. i mean, i'm not really thinking about the consequences of being consumed by someone the way i used to. i just want to keep doing whatever makes me happy, and that means staying oblivious to negative things going on around me.

i know i am guilty of complaining semi frequently, but since i got back i decided to not get involved in people's drama anymore, even if it sort of involves me. i just look at my roommate and see how she lets little things bother her so much, and i don't want to be like that or condone that attitude. i just want to stay in my happy place. is that selfish? whatever.

both of my roommates were kind of surprised when i told them i was moving out in september, but i don't know how they could be. i mean, we obviously don't have the best rapport within the house, even though we're supposed to be friends. it's just not the right situation, and i figured they could both see it but apparently not. it's not a comfortable house, there is always tension, and aside from that it's cold in here. i want to live somewhere cozy, alone, where i'll have no distractions, and i'll never feel lonely or anxious bc i never have to anticipate if anyone else will be home.

i've been accused of making excuses to live with my boyfriend, which sux bc it's totally not true. of course i've thought about it, especially in the past week that i've been staying with him...everything's been so easy breezy. but that is not my plan at all. whatever.....

torture

i just want to sleep. right now, maybe for days.

rut?

i have the ultimate writer's block. i don't think i have really written anything good in the last month. it's horrible. i have no ideas, nothing interests me. i'm not quite sure why i'm in such a funk. i'm not terribly unhappy. there are some cool things going on in my life right now but there are those few minor setbacks that i try my best not to think about. i've even cut back on my drinking in an effort to be more focused but that hasn't really worked. i need my mind to be clearer but i don't know how to do that. i kind of want to be high all the time. i have choices to make but no matter what directions i go there is always something wrong with the situation. and i end up with nothing at all. just eyes on a computer screen, time sucking, wasting.

merry

i can safely say this was my weirdest xmas ever. on the eve, a bunch of us went over to rynay's to watch the xmas variety show we made and also have a sleepover. the next morning jessica woke us up at the buttcrack of 8am and we opened presents. ryan and nathan gave us an ice cream maker!!!! soooo gooood. they made brunch and then we lounged around for a few hrs watching the foot fist way again, which rulez, and also rudolph and home alone.

then me and nathan stopped by this dinner at this crazy house in calabassas or something. the ppl were so nice but it was weird bc they were kinda white trashy, but so rich. they had the coolest rottweiler too. the dinner was an all-out thanksgiving style feast. i was so down with it. when we finally got out of there, we met back up with ryan, josh, and amanda. we watched a couple episodes of testees, and they kept watching stuff about deformed babies.

we randomly trekked down to long beach to hang out on the queen mary, which is a giant ship that is permanently docked. we sat in the lounge and drank margaritas, listened to the wicked guitarist/singer duo, and made up scandalous stories about this couple that were dancing. anyway we walked around the ship and i took a fall, and we found a grand piano and played some tunes.

we were trying to look for food after but instead we ended up at some gay club in the middle of downtown long beach. it was the best way to spend xmas night, dancing and taking $1 jello shots. now i'm home and tomorrow is prob going to be boring.

one moment i can be so lucky. i get so cocky about it and then everything turns around and i get so down. i think i just get so wrapped up in being happy that the moment something falls apart, or just seems to, i take it so hard. i usually can appreciate things for what they are, but every now and then i get so obsessed. i obsess till something is nothing. and i wonder what went wrong. and then something pops into my life to distract me. and it all begins again.

wednesday

i hate the position of the sun during this season bc it's not as bright in my room in the morning, making it impossible to wake up. i caught up on my sleep last night/today, i woke up at noon. it feels weird but good bc things have finally slowed down for me, for a little while at least. i hope i can take advantage of this time today. i'm washing my sheets and towels and i'm gonna catch up on my blog reading. i don't think i've read a blog in almost a month.

i have a new lover and he is the coolest. i'm not sure though exactly where we stand and it makes me feel so obsessed :( vanessa told me i have to be clear and communicative about the way i feel, but i'm always afraid. i am part commitophobic, part afraid of rejection. i want to be with him. for 2 ppl as chill as we both are it should be simpler than this.

i want to be stable. for the past couple of weeks, i've been showering like once every 3 days, went to the same divey mexican tranny bar downtown 4 times in one week, i never know if i can afford anything when i'm paying for it. when i spent this past weekend at a beach house in malibu, it was so clear to me what i want out of life. i don't necessarily mean that i want money and material things, but i know what i deserve and i work hard and i should have anything i want.