Wasted Years

Selective memory. That's one of my fortes. I used to think I have a bad memory, always forgetting things I've just been through, or done. Like what I ate for lunch, or what I did last Sunday. Not quite the case because it seems I remember things to minute details when I remember them. Selective memory. That is what I involuntarily indulge in. Forgetting pain, sadness, hate, anger. Leaving behind happy, cheerful, warm and cosy memories.

But that is of the past.

I always thought that this might pose a ginormous problem in the future. And I was right. 'cos the future is now.

A year ago, I was selectively remembering negative events instead of positive ones in jc. Thus, lead to all the complains about how my years in cj could have been better. Because of that, now, I'm selectively remembering nothing at all. I don't feel 2008. It feels non-existent. It doesn't seem right because I know a lot of things happened in 2008. Weird thing is, I have no substantial impressions of anything being done this year.

Feeling empty and so unaccomplished never happened before to me in the past 19 years. Sad to know that a year has been so wasted. Or has it? I shall dig deeper into my inner mind and put my thoughts into words in subsequent posts.



From the coast of gold, across the seven seas,
I'm travelling on, far and wide,
But now it seems, I'm just a stranger to myself,
And all the things I sometimes do, it isn't me but someone else.

I close my eyes, and think of home,
Another city goes by, in the night,
Ain't it funny how it is, you never miss it til it's gone away,
And my heart is lying there and will be til my dying day.

of SISPEC

A pretty short entry and a rather non format-conforming one, but nevertheless, still an update. Today's the day I'll be off to SISPEC. Hope I end up in a good Company, with great company!

Gravenimage

9 weeks of BMT in Leopard coy had just past in a blink of an eye. A blink of an eye to the outside, an eternity inside. I have change my perception of NS during the past 2 months. What seemed to be a dread every time I had to book in became an irritant.

I don't dread NS now, I'm irritated by it. I dreaded it because I didn't like the feeling of not being able to be with my friends when I'm in camp. It disappeared soon because I realised most of my friends are in camp... Now, I'm irritated by it because of the inefficiency. We rush to wait and wait to rush, a very well put summary of our unofficial motto. When I come across the oh-so-common waiting/stoning time, I would naturally think of what I could have been doing somewhere else instead of killing time by talking cock with my platoon mates.

From the outside, people (or at least the other half of the population who don't experience this) think protecting the country is an honourable appointment. From the inside, its boring. The discipline that they're trying to impart to us is not efficient. If I had to name it, I would call it unnecessary artificial and redundant discipline. It is not what you think, its not like Shao Lin monk/Wing Chun kung fu training. In summary, the restriction is making people inside dumber. Doing things by the book is not my nature and thats why i fucking hate it.

The army is like an mmorpg. You play a computer character in a fantasy world, eg WoW/Lineage etc. But this particular mmorpg is different cause its an mmorpg minus the "fantasy". And just like any mmorpg, it consumes time like how a 500watt amp comsumes electricity BUT it doesn't have an "exit and save" option. Being forced to play an mmorpg sucks, many gamers will agree with me.

Whatever it is, I still have over a year and the half of "game time" left and I think I've got to quickly find a way to slow this IQ leak as I "play" this game. There's no inspiration to compose music in camp, my sense for music has dulled, I take longer to do simple maths, my linguistic skill are going down the drain (strangely, even though army language is similar to my st gabs days and my platoon was made of jc people, the vocabulary there's more limited than i expected).

An irony though, that many people say that when you're in army, you hate it, but when its over, you'll miss it. I don't know how this will work out because its hard to see. When I was in cj, I missed my st gabs days, now i'm in the army, I'm missing my cj days. History, a good lesson, if Ben doesn't want to suffer for another 1.5 years, he'll just have to find a way to make him miss NS when he's out of NS...

PS: THE CHEENA PIANGS IN CAMP ARE KILLING ME!! I NEVER THOUGHT JC STUDENTS WOULD TURN OUT TO BE SO FUCKING CHEENA CHEENA CHEENA!#%#!%#@!$^ MORE CHEENA THAN ST GABS?! ARGH!@#$

Is CJ's culture that different from other JCs? O_o

PSS: Army songs gets retarded after repeating it over 20 times during route marches. Not melodic, not of the heart. As incek would put it, "no feeling!!"



We met that night, when the sea ran high.
And I craved for more of that nearlove experience.
Those who the music hath then joined together, are now put asunder....

Remember me, when I lit the fire.
To keep us warm.
On a cold winter morning. Now I pass through the moment.
Can I still recognize a beautiful melody...

I play a note, but hear no sound. Have I lost my love or the wings I found.
When I was young,,,
...and eager to please anyone who had time...

Needed to sing, the very notes I heard.
Had to stay in the shadows and seek for the loneliness.
Nevertheless, the price was higher than I realized.
I was to live alone, ready to make the sacrifice.
Was I in love with you...

My old heart, little harder again.
Once the light goes out, everything ends.
It is time...
ready to cause a scene, ready to make the sacrifice.
Ready to play the note, ready to end the final show.
The only thing I know.

The pain is here. To stay I fear. In my eyes. I can change one note and make you cry.
In this state of mind. Silence is a crime.

How can life be so feigned and cold. I´ve answered the call of every melody, lovingly.
Did I find the answers to all my questions.

Or a gravenimage of me...

If I found the hidden fountain. Drank the wisdom from it´s deep.
Would I have the time to save me. Would I have them both to keep.

Lost In Space

Something did happened during the week end after all...

5th April (Saturday)

Played soccer with e3 dudes incl. muthu and raymon. The 4v4 configuaration was quite fun and i swear raymon saved 20 over point black shots... Rained halfway and we decided to chill at j8 after that. Left for Taka's Seoul Gardens for me self organised birthday dinner with my closest buddies. And so, following age old tradition, Brandon, Amelia, Timothy, Desmond, Glenn, Khee Tsng, Raymon and I gobbled down as much meat as possible within 2 and the half hours. Hock Lu joined us for a lil bit before we left for home.

Got home feeling better, just to get jacked by Shi Xian about Macs delivery at my door at 12mn... like wtf!?

6th April (Sunday)

So I opened the door and was *almost* totally caught off guard by the surprise visit by Shi Xian, Mel, Keith, Delvin, Jackie and Shi Ming (KEITH AND MEL!!! I swear even people out of our class knows there's something on between you 2!! Haha). They crashed my house at 12 midnight!!! (12.05am actually, which slightly explains the *almost* part there... Thanks to Mark haha) We pretty much lazed around my house talking cock till 1am when we decided to go to my resident macs outlet to chill... Ended up playing at the play ground, climbing poles and stuff O_o... Totally whacked idea! Really enjoyed the company though... Thanks to sx for organising, thanks to mel for coming up with such a crazy plan and thanks to the rest who came! (which reminds me... Eating the cake now!) I really miss the days where we hanged and chilled out together randomly. I think that's actually the only part I missed about CJ. Makes me wonder if we're ever gonna do something like that anyy time soon again...

I woke up the next morning at 9 feeling a lil tired but didn't have any trouble getting up because it was... Breakfast with mum and dad at sembawang prata shop!!! Wow that hasn't happened in 12 years. Imo, that was the best birthday gift for me this year, the three of us having a meal together.. And I've got some pics! (all those cam whoring self shot practise I learnt from mel paid off! heh..)

Had dinner with mum and me aunt Leenal at River View Hotel. That Japanese buffet was quite good... I never actually whacked as much raw salmon in my life at one shot man... Shiokness!! Ended the day feeling very satisfied. There's one lesson I learnt (actually figured that out when I did the previous post) is never put friends > parents which I admit, I'm guilty most of the time... It might sound a lil harsh but imo, parents are a lil more permanent than friends, and the only reason they aren't is because they may not be around us longer than our best friends. I get reflective every time I think of this but I won't post it now lest I want to be late for my enlistment tmr...

7th April (Monday)

Quite a chill out day today. Mellavin was supposed to come to my house so that we could do some guitar gear sharing but he was a lil caught up with his friends who were enlisting on thursday. In the end Brandon and Milli came instead. Didn't really do much actually, we just stoned around, milli blogged on my com, brandon played my guitar and we were all a lil tired after a while... My house is so boring, I really needa revamp some stuff in here man. Gotta remind myself not everyone's like me, whose life revolve around guitar/computer.

8th April (Tuesday)

Shaved my head today. Didn't really feel anything extra ordinary. My head doesn't feel lighter, I don't feel cooler and I definitely don't feel likes its the end of the world.. heh... Went to Serangoon Gardens to makan with milli, brandon and anne at some shit ass crappy chicken rice shop (which really sucked, if you can't tell already). Purchased my final stock of NS stuffz and went to fam's house where anne and milli tried to bleach brandon's hair... We thought it was a failure at first because nothing was happening but it seemed he turned blond after I left his house... Haha.

And so, that marks the end of civilian life for me for the next 22 months... I feel happy and sad at the same time. Sad to see people around me (esp the girls) continuing on normally with life, which makes me think how much I could have done this coming 2 years if not for NS. Happy cause I get to meet new people. Hope I don't come across retards though... Really hope my buddy's a cool metalhead!! The dread's still lurking though... =|



Another star
has fallen without a sound
Another spark
has burned out in the cold

Another door
to barrens standing open

And who is there
to tell me not to give and not to go

How could I know? how could I know?
That I'll get lost in space to roam forever

How could I know? how could I see?
feeling like lost in space to roam forever

I'm crawling down
The doorway to the badlands
And kicking down

Are you heard: it's to the black
and all the damage
fading in the oblivion mirror
When the demons
are calling me, their dragging me away

How could I know?, how could I know?
That I'll get lost in space to roam forever

How could I know?, how could I see?
feeling like lost in space to roam forever

Lost in space
lost in time
Lost in space
Lost in Time
Lost in Space

How could I know, how could i know
How could I know, How could I know
That I'll get lost in space to roam for ever

How could I now, how could I see
feeling like lost in space to roam forever

Forever...

Wasted Time

Let me start by asking a question. Do you guys know what's the best perk of being the welfare guy for you friends?

Not a clue? Well, let me give you a hint by asking another question.. Ever experienced a birthday where... ...nothing happened? No? Well, thats most probably cause you're not the welfare guy for your clique...

Because it states here in the contract, something along the lines of,
"Condition 101: Thou shallst not expect "friends" to organise (or remember) birthday events for thou, for that job is thine alone."

Well, poor benja cause most of his birthdays happened to have been fucked up the same way almost every year... He doesn't seem to learn even after organising a million birthdays for others, that he shouldn't expect them to return such favours cause they are not obliged to, "best friends" or not...

Guess he will just have to endure an average of only another 50 times (most probably shorter, with "friends" like these), this dreaded process of feeling insignificant and feeling fucked about organising his own birthdays (who the fuck else organise their own birthday celebrations? friendless retards?) and begging people to mourn with him this cursed day when he was born X years ago.

Or... ...he could actually quit this welfare job and stop remembering/ wishing/ organising/ celebrating his "friends'" birthday. Maybe only then, will he not be binded by 101th fine print in the contract... If he doesn't, then it would surely seem that he wants to remain as, The King of Fools...



The dream is over no one's to take the blame
We believed in roses but only thorns remained

When I look into the rearview mirror
We create and we destroy
Put our blood into a street with a dead end
Walk up that stairway to jump off into the black

Here we go!
We go all the way - Do we need the pain?
Waking up in a black tomorrow
I've been there before - Was it all wasted again?
We go all the way - Do we need the pain
Waking up in a black tomorrow
I've been there before - Was it all just wasted time?

Maybe I am different, maybe I'm a fool
And I wonder if it's worth it
Trying to find another you

And I look into the rearview mirror
Just to see how fucked I look
While I drive along that street with a dead end
Like a moth to the flame it's gonna suck me into pain

Still we go!
We go all the way..

What are we heading for,why do I dare again?
Once bitten twice shy and still we never learn

So here I'm lying - A leisure-poet in pain
Involuntary loner,I know that life is just a game
Where nobody gets out alive - A sedative shot for me
No happy man gets out alive - Neither of us you will see

King of Fools

I've been getting 4 hours of sleep everyday (not including the 30mins I try to get in my dad's cab and the 1hr I steal from the bus ride home from work). This is so not cool because being zombiefied during the day = zero productivity. But I can't help it cause I'm actually naturally nocturnal which is so damn cool... But why must the rest of the world be diurnal anyway??

Okay, back to address the A level post below... Applied for Engineering in NUS... Wadever... I was actually discussing more on what CCA to join rather than which course to go to in Uni... Which makes perfect sense because I don't wanna spend four fucking years purely mugging like a mugger fugger solely for some glorified toilet paper! (Yes degrees ARE indeed toilet papers, similar to money, albeit glorified so don't let others fool you into thinking otherwise...)

Jamming the past few weeks has been great. We were most productive when HL POP'ed and had block leave. Composed a song which is quite kickass but needs a 'lil more polishing, especially the vocal lines.

Tomorrow's my last day of work in Hitachi GST. Well, I usually do exit interviews for people but I should do one for myself now...

Benja: So, Ben, whats your main reason for leaving?

Ben: Err... my contract... ...end?

Benja: Oh? heh... not because you found a better paying job?

Ben: Hmm... I wouldn't put it that way. I got a new job, but I didn't find it though... Was more of... FORCED into it... Higher paying? I don't think $400/mth is higher paying... That's about a third less than now...

Benja: I see.. does this job happen to be in the same field, ie HDD manufacturing and/or HR?

Ben: Nah... I would expect lots of guns, mud and waste of time in my new job. There would be the similar job scope of sai kang... ...though I wouldn't be too off to expect 10 times more in my new job...

Benja: Oh wow, not that bad what... guns and roses!

Ben: I wouldn't be too quick to agree with the bed of roses part...

Benja: Oh no, what I meant was the thorns in shurbs of roses.

Ben: Ookaaaay...

Benja: anyway, how did you find your work environment?

Ben: No comments man... HR isn't the thing for me. I fucking hate office work.. Sit in an air-conditioned place, doing office stuffz? O_o No way!

Benja: Oh okay, So you didn't really enjoy a single moment here in Hitachi GST then?

Ben: I wouldn't put it that way. I learnt a few things during my four months there. On the job training ftw. Which puzzles me as to why HR diplomas/degrees exist.. Maybe my job scope's here's too narrow to judge...

Benja: Any last words?

Ben: o_O

And there you have it... If only exit interviews were as colourful as these...



You feel at ease as you flock with the masses,
What do you see with your heads in their asses?
Keep on railing at what I believe ,
Call me insane and I am proud to be.

And I walk the wicked way!

We don't wanna be like you,
Don't you get that King Of Fools,
We don't mind your life is trite,
You are the King Of Fools.

We are never gonna be like you,
We don't follow - King of fools,
You are the blind who lead the blind!

Another Angel Down

7th March (Friday)

Release of A Level Results

Took half-day off work today, which was a great relief. I'm really trying my best to tahan my HR work at Hitachi GST. I can't see myself working in an office ever again in the future cause i really dread it…

Met Amelia, Sean, Mel, SF, SM and Gretcheo at Toa Payoh Macs for lunch. We were talking about how doomed we are and how we're gonna fail badly. Strangely, I didn't feel worried at all. Not because I had full of confidence that I would get straight A’s but it was one of nonchalance. It was the same feeling as when I walked into CJC auditorium during those 20 days for those papers. This sense of free of worry made me worry after a while. Did I not care for my A levels at all? Maybe…

We went to school together exactly at 2.30pm to avoid being sucked into a panic pool by everyone who’s waiting there. Didn’t really helped much because Bro Pork’s speech in the PAC was freaking long which kept us wondering how fucked up we were gonna do. He flashed some ppt slides which showed the top students in CJC. Han Hsien being the guy with 7 A’s and You Liang with 6 A’s. And there was this special mentioned on a new classmate called “Kenneth Chong” who got 5 A’s. It was then I started to worry… a lot…

A mash of thoughts flashed past my puny brain. Why was my name not there? Didn’t I come into CJ planning to get As for pcme + gp? Wait… when did I give up halfway on chem and econs? Whose fault was it? My “beloved” teachers or me? If not 5 As what am I gonna get? Eh? Benja, you’re suddenly worried about As ah? That happened 4 months ago! Haha loser…

When I received my result slip from Ms Teh later in class, Delvin was the first to see it, not me. But anyhow, the amazing thing was I guess each and every one of my grades correctly before I turned to see the slip. AACCB… I felt like a ccb. As expected, Maths and Physics, the 2 subjects I put the least amount of work into, were A’s. Chemistry and Economics, the 2 subjects I put the “most” effort into (or at least the last mth before A’s) were C’s… And GP, the subject I put zilch effort into, miraculously had a B (maybe because I was saved by that music essay). So as I was slowly accepting my results, I asked around to see what my classmates got. Bad idea it was… 5 A’s, 4 A’s and a B, 3 A’s and 2 B’s were everywhere. It nearly spoilt my day, but luckily, I still had a tad of nonchalance in me which made me a bit immune to all these. Deep down inside, I knew I got more than what I deserved if the amount of time I put into A’s was to be of any measure. But truth hurts and I didn’t feel happy today.

Went out to “celebrate” as promised with the class at PS. Here’s a summary:
Makan at some sushi Jap restaurant, played arcade, brought the rest to chill out at my usual “study” place, Coffee Bean, Plaza by the Park. We discussed a lil about what we intended to now that we’ve got our results. Then I went to meet milli and HL for Tau Huey at Selegie. Didn’t really enjoy the day but it was much better than going home early and feeling even worse. Raped some people in 2 games of DotA with Fam which helped make my night.

At the end of the day, removing all comparisons and looking at things objectively, I will have to thank my friends, myself and last but not least, God, in helping me achieve such grades. Most of my teachers didn’t contribute a cent to what I’ve got but it was nice talking crap with them. I suddenly miss CJ, the place, my classroom, my classmates, my friends, the times we screwed around skipping lectures and tutorials, the times we conveniently took a bus to our playground, Orchard Road, the times I jammed with the various bands I was in in CJ for performances and competitions. All these I sorely miss, but strangely, not a single picture of teachers. Very unlike St Gabs where I still think of Stanley Tan, William Ng, Jean Koh, Kallijah… Not much happy pictures of me and CJGE though I’m grateful for the hard lessons learnt when I was president. I’m starting to regret not living life to the fullest in JC, not screwing up hard enough or not studying hard enough. I’ve end up with something neither here nor there, something that’s neither good nor bad which makes me feeling neither happy nor sad… Just fucked up…



We rock the ball, been smashed to the ground
Arose from devotion to take a look and see what is inside
Sight of the crown: another angel down
We rock the ball, I'm facing my pain
A rage and a symphony driven by the wounds I cannot hide
Rise above the crowd: another angel down

We'll see a black hole will be left up in the starry sky
We gotta mourn another angel
If I am just a light descending to caducity
It's still so far away

There's no tomorrow, I don't remember yesterday
I'm just living for tonight
And all the love I'm not gonna waste no more
I won't spit what's divine

They left you for dead - turning your head
Away form the living - from flesh and blood
You've got the draw and desire to claw
For fortune and fame

We rock the ball, been smashed to the ground
Arose from devotion to take a look and see what is inside
Sight of the crown: another angel down
We rock the ball, I'm facing my pain
A rage and a symphony driven by the wounds I cannot hide
Rise above the crowd: another angel down

Once In A Lifetime

Gretchen's/Shixian's bdae Lunch @ NYNY, 24th February (Sunday)

Woke up and totally didn't feel like going to church today cause the fucked up feeling from yesterday didn't totally fade away. Rolled around in bed and received an sms from mel asking me who's going for the outing. At that moment: "What? Outing? Oh yeah Gretchen's/Shi Xian's Bdae lunch today... Who organised it again? Me? Uh... Oh I did!". Okay so I surprised myself with the surprise lunch i planned for SX/Gretchen. Stilling feeling like total shaet, I was like ARGH outing I'mma be LATE!!!

Met Delvin, Gretcheo and Denise at NYNY, Amk Hub. For once, I didn't have that uh-shit-nobody-is-coming-for-class-outing-again feeling. Even with an impromptu planning and with very little effort, I felt that the attendance would be higher than expected. Maybe our long separation made us keen on meeting up? So mel, Keith, JC, SX, Mark and Audrey came and joined us for lunch and we squeezed in this freaking small table meant for 7... Shared this crazy-ass-huge $30 burger with Veen and boy was it fucked up. Every bite yielded negative marginal utility (say yay to Econs!) after going through one quarter of it.

After talking loads of cock and having a great time hogging up 5 tables (we shifted) at NYNY, we decided to play pool (I wanted hokkien songs at K box but... oh well...). We talked more cock and had a greater time, while Keith was MIA from the tables cause of "injuries" (he was having a good time chatting with mel and I JUST had to disturb him... Sorry Keith!). Yeah so I played like a n00b and got trashed by Gretchen and Jun Chyi. -_-"

Felt great after that and I was reluctant to leave the group but was freakin' tired..


Ronin @ Esplanade Powerhouse

Met Mellavin and Sarah at City Hall (both our tendencies to be late somehow synchronised and we met "on time" while actually being very much later than the agreed time). Went to da bao a foot-long Italian BMT and we went to Esplanade hoping we didn't miss Ronin. We waited by the river in the hot humid weather to "chill" out but luckily Ronin came out soon after and there was no new singer! Ooo surprise surprise! Haha. Derryn was more or less the front man now and he rocked out socks away with his deep and sexy voice. Then Bang and Sean lent their vocal talents while drumming / playing and I've got to say that they did a really good job at controlling their tones while playing fairly complex parts on their instruments. However, I sorta missed Levan's weird antics on stage and a whole fuckin' line of "punctuations" though (fuck is an eg of a punctuation btw...). Anyway, the 4 members still remained as tight as ever and me and mella's guessing how Sean gets his tone. All three of us kinda agreed that Simon's screwing up the tightness of the whole band though... =/

After their rock solid performance we went around esplanade to find a cool chill-out place but everybody's closed (cept maybe Harry's which is expensive). We wandered around aimlessly and ended up at Marina Square's Mac where I finished my Subway... Ha!

We went home talking cock in the train. Well it seems this day's been full of cock which made me forget of some of the negative things brought up yesterday! I think we should treasure each and every enjoyable moment with friends and loved ones because isn't this what we're all living for?



Firelight it is burning so bright in the dark of the night
As we fight for the glory tonight there's nowhere to hide
On the wings of your destiny brings all the power you crave
Careful now if not you then who else will we save

Lost in this world total stranger
Death by the sword a common danger
You know that everything is not what it seems
March on all night forever searching
Daylight ahead is coming again
Break through the walls and use the power of your dreams

Once in a lifetime take a chance at the right time the glory to see
Rise up for the time of your life
Now the time has come for you to be free

Walking Alone

22nd February (Friday)

Met hl and milli for dinner yesterday at Casuarina and hl made NS sound fucking fun, I can't wait to enter =_=". Tried to sneak into hl's mysterious abode with milli after his mum said we shouldn't go in cause its too messy... ...but to no avail... Went to milli's house to chill out but i quickly felt like a fucking bright lighthouse after a while... Oh, and i actually ran, after like 10 months? ...to the bus stop in fear of missing the last 855. These last buses are quite accurate ah, it did arrive exactly at 0015 just like the signboard said, and i got off my bus stop at 0023. (I hate maths but i don't know why irrelevant numbers just stick in my head sometimes)


23rd February (Saturday)

Went for 1st guitar lesson with Randolf. Learnt quite a lot of stuff other than technical playing / music theory from him. I really respect that guy! Met hl, milli and Brandon for dinner later at Bishan J8 (yay! that made me feel like a dimmer lightbulb!). Our agenda today was to discuss on band matters. Sean couldn't make it cause of the compulsory genus concert CJGE made him go... Okay, so...

Band Matters
We were supposed to meet to discuss some issues like, our band image, whether to get a new perm vocalist, some admin stuff, technical stuff and our long term goals. All was well on the 1st 2 points but I guessed it got harder to digest after pt 3.

I think I talked to much and everybody was like "...huh..." which made me went the same way... We got to point 5 on our long term goals and multiple bombshells were dropped. I guess reality hurts cause I really felt lost when Brandon brought up some cold hard facts. What had I been thinking before I asked myself. My brain was too fucked by reality to think then... A few questions suddenly came pouring in which didn't ease the disorientation I was facing. "What if I don't get into mdc?" "what if we can't commit to the band?" "what if brandon goes overseas to further his studies/work in three years time?" "what if milli goes overseas to further her studies in three years time?" "what if hl can't practise as much as he would like to due to NS?" "what happens when sean goes into ns?" "what happens if brandon goes into ns?" "long term?" "what if the band doesn't survive past this year?" "what?!" "fuck you la!" "...emo kid..." "i'm useless" "why am I staying to friends who're going overseas?" "my maths fail? 1 + 1 = 5?" "lol dreamer" "maybe it helps to be less selfless at times?" "wake up your ideas la idiot!" "mass tmr at 9.45?" "choir?!" "birthday lunch?" "huh i planned it? oh okay... err" "fuck?"

So... We met to solve some pending questions but we ended up with more... ...or at least I ended up with more... Records show I have a tendency to give my all into what I believe in.. ..and when they don't work out I feel totally fucked up eg cjge, t13 welfare.. Maybe that's the reason why I don't start any close relationships.. But again, maybe this is the reason why I feel fucked up... I feel like I'm walking alone again... My paradox of life... Has been getting more obvious since my waning faith and disconnectedness with God around mid last year after syf.. Oh well, I'm gonna get my hardest fucking in 1 to 2 weeks time when A level results are out so I'll just enjoy this down moment while I still can...

"I must be emo!" lol. If this pms thing is happening every Saturday night, I'm gonna kill myself. =) happy Ben indeed! The trail of footsteps on the sand really looks like mine and mine alone...



Sometimes I need to apologize..
Sometimes I need to admit that I ain't right..
Sometimes I should just keep my mouth shut, or only say hello..
Sometimes I still feel I'm walking alone..

Walk on eggshells on my old stomping ground,
Yet there's really no one left, that's hanging around.
Isn't that another familiar face?
Too drunk to figure out they're fading away...

Livin' On A Prayer

Rockefella IV was super great. It seems CJ bands are getting tighter and tighter every year, its starting to get scary. Lao jiaos like us are really getting pressurised when going back to perform cuz the J2s are so tight, it really makes us look at most, medicore.

One thing learnt durin' this performance though... We're NEVER ever performing as an incomplete band again cause its totally fuked up. Its like althought we have five members in the band, but 1 guy missing seems to make our pieces sound 40% empty, not 20%. It seems we've learnt the hard way each member is more than a fifth of a band. I've took some really great vids on friday night and i did experiment with walking around while fiiming to make the vids look a lil more professional (thought to no avail...)

I think we need to hire our own sound engineer, manager and video filmer cuz I can't be doing all those while performing can I... The vids will be processed (trying to find a more professional free video converter now and I shall be processing it when I've got time). No net at home sucks, while actually Starhub sucks... So I'm switching over to Singnet but it won't be up til this Saturday.



We've gotta hold on to what we've got
It doesn't make a difference if we make it or not
We've got each other and thats a lot for love,
We'll give it a shot

Whoooaaa-Were halfway there
Whoooaaa-Livin' on a prayer!
Take my hand, we'll make it i swear
Whoooaaa-Livin' on a prayer!
Livin' on a prayer!

The Seven Angels

Yay today's performance at Raechel's was... I don't know... I'm grateful to Luther for giving us a $535 worth of equipments for $300. Was feeling fine after the set but feeling totally fucked now at home. I don't know what I'm emoing about which is quite puzzling (don't I sound like a fuckin' engineer? Wondering what I'm sad about while emoing?)

Maybe it was the not-too-perfect set at Raechel's.
Maybe it was the half empty cock hall during the performance with that $300 set of equipments we paid with our own money. (They call this looking at the glass half-empty)
Maybe it was my fucked up throat.
Maybe it was the loneliness one feels in the midst of a crowd.
Maybe it was the @!#$%!$#% nag from my dad.
Maybe it was etc etc etc.
Maybe it was me?

Weird mood swings ala guy's version of pms maybe? Whatever it is, it's still a lil puzzling that I can't seem to find a sole source for this shit feeling. Maybe its a bit of everything that piles up on each other on my back. A grain of sand ain't heavy but a bucket of sand is. I'm feeling so !@#$ed up not even the F word is describing it right. Not going for mass tmr for dunno what reason. Hope it'll be better tomorrow.

What a way to start the !@#$ing new year. Chee bye lan jiao awesomeness...



You've been fighting for your soul
And sometimes it takes a toll
Hope one day you'll understand
What it means to hold in hands
What they call a fantasy
It is nothing but a key
To the world that now you're in
That they call a wicked dream

When you're walking on your own
When you're broken and alone
You may feel us from inside -
on the other side of life.

I've been fighting for my soul
And sometimes it takes a toll
Hope one day we'll understand
What it means to hold in hands
What we call a fantasy
But it's nothing but a key
To the world that now I'm in
That we call a wicked dream

I've been fighting for my soul
And sometimes it takes a toll
Hope one day we'll understand
What it means to hold in hands
What we call a fantasy
But it's nothing but a key
To the world that now I'm in
That we call a wicked dream

I've been fighting for my soul (Oh, walking on my own)
And sometimes it takes a toll
Hope one day we'll understand
What it means to hold in hands
What we call a fantasy (When I'm broken and alone)
But it's nothing but a key
To the world that now I'm in
That we call a wicked dream

I've been fighting for my soul (I may feel you from inside)
And sometimes it takes a toll
Hope one day we'll understand
What it means to hold in hands
What we call a fantasy (From the other side of life)
But it's nothing but a key
To the world that now I'm in
That we call a wicked dream

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

Been sick since DT's concert till now. Must be their godly powers too god-lyke for a mere mortal like me to comprehend... Work is really making me a no-life. 8 to 5.30 in the office, which means waking up at 6am and reaching home at 7pm feeling shagged. After dinner etc its 8+pm and that leaves like 2 hours of "admin time" to do my stuff (yeah feels like NS eh).

With the performance at Raechel's this Saturday, and Rockefella next Friday, practice time has been really tight with my current schedule. And best: no vocals practise for the past two weeks cause of bad throat. I think we should kick our damn bloody vocalist out of the band. That slacker keeps giving lame excuses etc and doesn't sing for jamming sessions. He thinks his James LaBrie or something, poping out on stage just 1 bar before his part and coming in perfect... Yeah right.

Seriously, I'm not eating any bak kuas or CNY "goodies" (they definately won't make my throat gooder) for this two weeks. Jordan Rudess always cover our asses so since Hock Lu is stuck in NS for Rockefella, Instant Biscuit is gonna be butt naked during Rockefella


It's not a silly little moment,
It's not the storm before the calm.
This is the deep and dying breath of
This love that we've been working on.

Can't seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms.
Nobody's gonna come and save you,
We pulled too many false alarms.

We're going down,
And you can see it too.
We're going down,
And you know that we're doomed.
My dear,
We're slow dancing in a burning room.

The Ministry Of Lost Souls

Lazy to update recent events. New year was great, with work bogging me down and I don't have as much time as I would like to have practising.

Class outings are still happening once in a while. Turn-ups are better as compared to school days, with the usual few remaining MIA. I feel that its a waste of effort, energy, time and money to call these people but they're still class mates after all. I'll decide when to stop including them on the contacts list when plaining class outings when the time comes (shouldn't be too long from now).

Jamming with band'as been great too. I feel so noob playing with them cause they're god-lyke, especially Mr Chua Hock Lu aka Jordan Rudess. Brandon's getting stress by heavy workload from poly and sean still seem to be doing fine in J2.

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DREAM THEATER CONCERT @ FORT CANNING, 17 January 2008

It was fantastic! I found the sound quite good last night. Was expecting a lil worse cuz I had the Yngwie's set impression stuck in my mind. Once again, Portnoy's drum was mic'ed and EQ'ed so well I sounded freaking awesome.

The animations in the background was hilarious. I wondered if portnoy did all those himself? Haha. Portnoy's spit, JP's fire guitar, JM's sub waves, Jordan R's Dumbledore longfingers and James L's vocals as weapons.. And Mike's drumset suddenly becoming a motor cycle! lol. Kudos to the backstage people also for perfectly synching the words for a particular song.

James Labrie's vocals sound different from studio albums. I would say it's a lil more raw last night and was better than that in the albums. JP's clean tone was teh seks, Piezo pups, stereo reverb etc, gave the vast out-spacy feel minus the cheapo sound.

The rain also added to the great ambience there! Wet hair nicer to head bang (which was a challenge cause of the time signatures). I wonder if their instruments and gear will get damaged cause when it was raining the heaviest, large sprays of mist went all over the stage. Thumbs up to DT for still carrying on and putting up a good show though their instruments were quite damp halfway through.

I have a few pics and vids, will see what to do with them later. I was surprised they allowed people to take photos and videos continuouly for the 1st hour before they sent those half naked ang mohs around to remind people not to take footages though. Haha!

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Okay gonna jam on Sunday w/o our Jordan Rudess to cover our asses as he's in NS. We'll really hear how sucky we are then... I hope it won't be so bad, trying for Rockefella IV.



Remember me
I am the one
Who saved your life that night

I was the one who would not abandon you
Even in death i was the one who would not leave you
I used my freedom to protect you

And all the world around you
Do you remember me this time
Even in death I gave you life
I gave you life