How Far We've Come

It's 2009! Happy 2009! Started off in a good note, counting down at Clarke Quay with 4E3 peeps and catching up with them at Timbre @ Arts House.

Didn't managed to do a reflection of 2008 before 1st Jan, so here it is, some very vivid pictures in my mind:

• Started out the year after a happy Christmas.

• Vaguely remembered what I did during working hours at Hitachi GST, only remembered the great people there and the fun times like the Christmas party in the lobby and the dunno-what party on the 1st floor.

• Went for a mega kickass Dream Theater concert in Jan @ Fort Canning.

• Proud to rent and organise a gig right in the heart of Rachel's abode. More proud to have done a uber kickass set there.

• Very paiseh to have delivered a really fucked up set during rockafella IV in CJ a week later.

• Seriously discussed band matters at Cafe Cartel in J8. From my blog's archive, "what if the band doesn't survive past this year?" was brought up. I guess we know now.

• Birthday Lunch with class for Gretchie/SX at NYNY @ Amk Hub. "...and we squeezed in this freaking small table meant for 7... Shared this crazy-ass-huge $30 burger with Veen and boy was it fucked up..." Totally remembered that.

• And on the same day, met up with Mella/Sarah at Ronin minus Levan gig, I concluded "I think we should treasure each and every enjoyable moment with friends and loved ones because isn't this what we're all living for?" I shall remind myself that I said that again.

• A level results. Didn't remember much of that day. Couldn't be bothered with the results as I couldn't be bothered with the exams itself. I peformed one of the worst in class but what the fuck anyway. Not meant to console myself but none of my teachers in cj, cept for the 3 ah lians who taught me maths, contributed much to my results. Would have possibly scored better if I self studied but that would have made me miss out on 90% of jc life.

• Quit Hitachi GST in April, can't visualise much of what happened.

• My birthday was more fucked up than ever. Nobody planned anything. Not even friends closest to me. I felt bad trying to hold off what my mum or dad suggested for me because I foolishly thought someone else who plan a gathering or sorts. I felt like I betrayed my parents for friends who, to put it harshly, could care a fuck less bout my birthday.

• As a consolation prize, as usual, I managed to plan a last minute thingy and have people attend it. Same old boring Soeul Gardens shaet. And cause SX read my emo post the day before, he managed to actually organise a last second thing and my classmates actually crashed my house. Totally caught me off guard because I thought I was the only one who looked to contacts list to see where my friends live...

• The best shit ass moment ever in 2008 happened on my brithday. Breakfast with mum and dad together, first time in 12 years. Such a simple event can bring so much joy. Makes me wonder if I've been trying to be happy the wrong ways all along.

• Shaved my head, had the "last supper" with milli, fam and anne. Bleached Fam's hair blonde, which didn't turn out the way we expected it. Off to NS

• Tekong, I fucking hate that place because of the booking in and out system. But I loved the company of Leopard mates though.

• BSLC, it was a piece of cake, easier than I thought it would be. 28 click road march? lol not at all tired. BUT 3SG DHIRAN JUST HAD TO SPOIL THE MOOD BY SAYING THE WHOLE SECTION'S GOING INTO ASLC!!! What the cock! Fell ill imediately after passing out parade.

• ASLC, please... 50% of the time in there, I was thinking "...ooc..." managed to pull off some reatrded stunt that I most probably can't pull off again if you asked me to. Those periods were a haze.

• Landed up in PLC Guard room, made great friends with the RPs there and really enjoyed the time there where I can knock off at 5pm and report the next day at 7.30am. Stay out life is dah sex.

Got my elusive posting after everyone else. Right into military intel bn. Same camp same place, but... NO STAY OUT?! dang... It wasn't so bad after all actually. Lucky to have a great bunk mate who's not cheena. I can totally naturally connect with anybody not cheena!

I haven't ended the reflection but I'm too lazy and tired to finish it now... Needa bk in early tmr @!#$

Wasted Years

Selective memory. That's one of my fortes. I used to think I have a bad memory, always forgetting things I've just been through, or done. Like what I ate for lunch, or what I did last Sunday. Not quite the case because it seems I remember things to minute details when I remember them. Selective memory. That is what I involuntarily indulge in. Forgetting pain, sadness, hate, anger. Leaving behind happy, cheerful, warm and cosy memories.

But that is of the past.

I always thought that this might pose a ginormous problem in the future. And I was right. 'cos the future is now.

A year ago, I was selectively remembering negative events instead of positive ones in jc. Thus, lead to all the complains about how my years in cj could have been better. Because of that, now, I'm selectively remembering nothing at all. I don't feel 2008. It feels non-existent. It doesn't seem right because I know a lot of things happened in 2008. Weird thing is, I have no substantial impressions of anything being done this year.

Feeling empty and so unaccomplished never happened before to me in the past 19 years. Sad to know that a year has been so wasted. Or has it? I shall dig deeper into my inner mind and put my thoughts into words in subsequent posts.



From the coast of gold, across the seven seas,
I'm travelling on, far and wide,
But now it seems, I'm just a stranger to myself,
And all the things I sometimes do, it isn't me but someone else.

I close my eyes, and think of home,
Another city goes by, in the night,
Ain't it funny how it is, you never miss it til it's gone away,
And my heart is lying there and will be til my dying day.

of SISPEC

A pretty short entry and a rather non format-conforming one, but nevertheless, still an update. Today's the day I'll be off to SISPEC. Hope I end up in a good Company, with great company!

Gravenimage

9 weeks of BMT in Leopard coy had just past in a blink of an eye. A blink of an eye to the outside, an eternity inside. I have change my perception of NS during the past 2 months. What seemed to be a dread every time I had to book in became an irritant.

I don't dread NS now, I'm irritated by it. I dreaded it because I didn't like the feeling of not being able to be with my friends when I'm in camp. It disappeared soon because I realised most of my friends are in camp... Now, I'm irritated by it because of the inefficiency. We rush to wait and wait to rush, a very well put summary of our unofficial motto. When I come across the oh-so-common waiting/stoning time, I would naturally think of what I could have been doing somewhere else instead of killing time by talking cock with my platoon mates.

From the outside, people (or at least the other half of the population who don't experience this) think protecting the country is an honourable appointment. From the inside, its boring. The discipline that they're trying to impart to us is not efficient. If I had to name it, I would call it unnecessary artificial and redundant discipline. It is not what you think, its not like Shao Lin monk/Wing Chun kung fu training. In summary, the restriction is making people inside dumber. Doing things by the book is not my nature and thats why i fucking hate it.

The army is like an mmorpg. You play a computer character in a fantasy world, eg WoW/Lineage etc. But this particular mmorpg is different cause its an mmorpg minus the "fantasy". And just like any mmorpg, it consumes time like how a 500watt amp comsumes electricity BUT it doesn't have an "exit and save" option. Being forced to play an mmorpg sucks, many gamers will agree with me.

Whatever it is, I still have over a year and the half of "game time" left and I think I've got to quickly find a way to slow this IQ leak as I "play" this game. There's no inspiration to compose music in camp, my sense for music has dulled, I take longer to do simple maths, my linguistic skill are going down the drain (strangely, even though army language is similar to my st gabs days and my platoon was made of jc people, the vocabulary there's more limited than i expected).

An irony though, that many people say that when you're in army, you hate it, but when its over, you'll miss it. I don't know how this will work out because its hard to see. When I was in cj, I missed my st gabs days, now i'm in the army, I'm missing my cj days. History, a good lesson, if Ben doesn't want to suffer for another 1.5 years, he'll just have to find a way to make him miss NS when he's out of NS...

PS: THE CHEENA PIANGS IN CAMP ARE KILLING ME!! I NEVER THOUGHT JC STUDENTS WOULD TURN OUT TO BE SO FUCKING CHEENA CHEENA CHEENA!#%#!%#@!$^ MORE CHEENA THAN ST GABS?! ARGH!@#$

Is CJ's culture that different from other JCs? O_o

PSS: Army songs gets retarded after repeating it over 20 times during route marches. Not melodic, not of the heart. As incek would put it, "no feeling!!"



We met that night, when the sea ran high.
And I craved for more of that nearlove experience.
Those who the music hath then joined together, are now put asunder....

Remember me, when I lit the fire.
To keep us warm.
On a cold winter morning. Now I pass through the moment.
Can I still recognize a beautiful melody...

I play a note, but hear no sound. Have I lost my love or the wings I found.
When I was young,,,
...and eager to please anyone who had time...

Needed to sing, the very notes I heard.
Had to stay in the shadows and seek for the loneliness.
Nevertheless, the price was higher than I realized.
I was to live alone, ready to make the sacrifice.
Was I in love with you...

My old heart, little harder again.
Once the light goes out, everything ends.
It is time...
ready to cause a scene, ready to make the sacrifice.
Ready to play the note, ready to end the final show.
The only thing I know.

The pain is here. To stay I fear. In my eyes. I can change one note and make you cry.
In this state of mind. Silence is a crime.

How can life be so feigned and cold. I´ve answered the call of every melody, lovingly.
Did I find the answers to all my questions.

Or a gravenimage of me...

If I found the hidden fountain. Drank the wisdom from it´s deep.
Would I have the time to save me. Would I have them both to keep.

Lost In Space

Something did happened during the week end after all...

5th April (Saturday)

Played soccer with e3 dudes incl. muthu and raymon. The 4v4 configuaration was quite fun and i swear raymon saved 20 over point black shots... Rained halfway and we decided to chill at j8 after that. Left for Taka's Seoul Gardens for me self organised birthday dinner with my closest buddies. And so, following age old tradition, Brandon, Amelia, Timothy, Desmond, Glenn, Khee Tsng, Raymon and I gobbled down as much meat as possible within 2 and the half hours. Hock Lu joined us for a lil bit before we left for home.

Got home feeling better, just to get jacked by Shi Xian about Macs delivery at my door at 12mn... like wtf!?

6th April (Sunday)

So I opened the door and was *almost* totally caught off guard by the surprise visit by Shi Xian, Mel, Keith, Delvin, Jackie and Shi Ming (KEITH AND MEL!!! I swear even people out of our class knows there's something on between you 2!! Haha). They crashed my house at 12 midnight!!! (12.05am actually, which slightly explains the *almost* part there... Thanks to Mark haha) We pretty much lazed around my house talking cock till 1am when we decided to go to my resident macs outlet to chill... Ended up playing at the play ground, climbing poles and stuff O_o... Totally whacked idea! Really enjoyed the company though... Thanks to sx for organising, thanks to mel for coming up with such a crazy plan and thanks to the rest who came! (which reminds me... Eating the cake now!) I really miss the days where we hanged and chilled out together randomly. I think that's actually the only part I missed about CJ. Makes me wonder if we're ever gonna do something like that anyy time soon again...

I woke up the next morning at 9 feeling a lil tired but didn't have any trouble getting up because it was... Breakfast with mum and dad at sembawang prata shop!!! Wow that hasn't happened in 12 years. Imo, that was the best birthday gift for me this year, the three of us having a meal together.. And I've got some pics! (all those cam whoring self shot practise I learnt from mel paid off! heh..)

Had dinner with mum and me aunt Leenal at River View Hotel. That Japanese buffet was quite good... I never actually whacked as much raw salmon in my life at one shot man... Shiokness!! Ended the day feeling very satisfied. There's one lesson I learnt (actually figured that out when I did the previous post) is never put friends > parents which I admit, I'm guilty most of the time... It might sound a lil harsh but imo, parents are a lil more permanent than friends, and the only reason they aren't is because they may not be around us longer than our best friends. I get reflective every time I think of this but I won't post it now lest I want to be late for my enlistment tmr...

7th April (Monday)

Quite a chill out day today. Mellavin was supposed to come to my house so that we could do some guitar gear sharing but he was a lil caught up with his friends who were enlisting on thursday. In the end Brandon and Milli came instead. Didn't really do much actually, we just stoned around, milli blogged on my com, brandon played my guitar and we were all a lil tired after a while... My house is so boring, I really needa revamp some stuff in here man. Gotta remind myself not everyone's like me, whose life revolve around guitar/computer.

8th April (Tuesday)

Shaved my head today. Didn't really feel anything extra ordinary. My head doesn't feel lighter, I don't feel cooler and I definitely don't feel likes its the end of the world.. heh... Went to Serangoon Gardens to makan with milli, brandon and anne at some shit ass crappy chicken rice shop (which really sucked, if you can't tell already). Purchased my final stock of NS stuffz and went to fam's house where anne and milli tried to bleach brandon's hair... We thought it was a failure at first because nothing was happening but it seemed he turned blond after I left his house... Haha.

And so, that marks the end of civilian life for me for the next 22 months... I feel happy and sad at the same time. Sad to see people around me (esp the girls) continuing on normally with life, which makes me think how much I could have done this coming 2 years if not for NS. Happy cause I get to meet new people. Hope I don't come across retards though... Really hope my buddy's a cool metalhead!! The dread's still lurking though... =|



Another star
has fallen without a sound
Another spark
has burned out in the cold

Another door
to barrens standing open

And who is there
to tell me not to give and not to go

How could I know? how could I know?
That I'll get lost in space to roam forever

How could I know? how could I see?
feeling like lost in space to roam forever

I'm crawling down
The doorway to the badlands
And kicking down

Are you heard: it's to the black
and all the damage
fading in the oblivion mirror
When the demons
are calling me, their dragging me away

How could I know?, how could I know?
That I'll get lost in space to roam forever

How could I know?, how could I see?
feeling like lost in space to roam forever

Lost in space
lost in time
Lost in space
Lost in Time
Lost in Space

How could I know, how could i know
How could I know, How could I know
That I'll get lost in space to roam for ever

How could I now, how could I see
feeling like lost in space to roam forever

Forever...

Wasted Time

Let me start by asking a question. Do you guys know what's the best perk of being the welfare guy for you friends?

Not a clue? Well, let me give you a hint by asking another question.. Ever experienced a birthday where... ...nothing happened? No? Well, thats most probably cause you're not the welfare guy for your clique...

Because it states here in the contract, something along the lines of,
"Condition 101: Thou shallst not expect "friends" to organise (or remember) birthday events for thou, for that job is thine alone."

Well, poor benja cause most of his birthdays happened to have been fucked up the same way almost every year... He doesn't seem to learn even after organising a million birthdays for others, that he shouldn't expect them to return such favours cause they are not obliged to, "best friends" or not...

Guess he will just have to endure an average of only another 50 times (most probably shorter, with "friends" like these), this dreaded process of feeling insignificant and feeling fucked about organising his own birthdays (who the fuck else organise their own birthday celebrations? friendless retards?) and begging people to mourn with him this cursed day when he was born X years ago.

Or... ...he could actually quit this welfare job and stop remembering/ wishing/ organising/ celebrating his "friends'" birthday. Maybe only then, will he not be binded by 101th fine print in the contract... If he doesn't, then it would surely seem that he wants to remain as, The King of Fools...



The dream is over no one's to take the blame
We believed in roses but only thorns remained

When I look into the rearview mirror
We create and we destroy
Put our blood into a street with a dead end
Walk up that stairway to jump off into the black

Here we go!
We go all the way - Do we need the pain?
Waking up in a black tomorrow
I've been there before - Was it all wasted again?
We go all the way - Do we need the pain
Waking up in a black tomorrow
I've been there before - Was it all just wasted time?

Maybe I am different, maybe I'm a fool
And I wonder if it's worth it
Trying to find another you

And I look into the rearview mirror
Just to see how fucked I look
While I drive along that street with a dead end
Like a moth to the flame it's gonna suck me into pain

Still we go!
We go all the way..

What are we heading for,why do I dare again?
Once bitten twice shy and still we never learn

So here I'm lying - A leisure-poet in pain
Involuntary loner,I know that life is just a game
Where nobody gets out alive - A sedative shot for me
No happy man gets out alive - Neither of us you will see

King of Fools

I've been getting 4 hours of sleep everyday (not including the 30mins I try to get in my dad's cab and the 1hr I steal from the bus ride home from work). This is so not cool because being zombiefied during the day = zero productivity. But I can't help it cause I'm actually naturally nocturnal which is so damn cool... But why must the rest of the world be diurnal anyway??

Okay, back to address the A level post below... Applied for Engineering in NUS... Wadever... I was actually discussing more on what CCA to join rather than which course to go to in Uni... Which makes perfect sense because I don't wanna spend four fucking years purely mugging like a mugger fugger solely for some glorified toilet paper! (Yes degrees ARE indeed toilet papers, similar to money, albeit glorified so don't let others fool you into thinking otherwise...)

Jamming the past few weeks has been great. We were most productive when HL POP'ed and had block leave. Composed a song which is quite kickass but needs a 'lil more polishing, especially the vocal lines.

Tomorrow's my last day of work in Hitachi GST. Well, I usually do exit interviews for people but I should do one for myself now...

Benja: So, Ben, whats your main reason for leaving?

Ben: Err... my contract... ...end?

Benja: Oh? heh... not because you found a better paying job?

Ben: Hmm... I wouldn't put it that way. I got a new job, but I didn't find it though... Was more of... FORCED into it... Higher paying? I don't think $400/mth is higher paying... That's about a third less than now...

Benja: I see.. does this job happen to be in the same field, ie HDD manufacturing and/or HR?

Ben: Nah... I would expect lots of guns, mud and waste of time in my new job. There would be the similar job scope of sai kang... ...though I wouldn't be too off to expect 10 times more in my new job...

Benja: Oh wow, not that bad what... guns and roses!

Ben: I wouldn't be too quick to agree with the bed of roses part...

Benja: Oh no, what I meant was the thorns in shurbs of roses.

Ben: Ookaaaay...

Benja: anyway, how did you find your work environment?

Ben: No comments man... HR isn't the thing for me. I fucking hate office work.. Sit in an air-conditioned place, doing office stuffz? O_o No way!

Benja: Oh okay, So you didn't really enjoy a single moment here in Hitachi GST then?

Ben: I wouldn't put it that way. I learnt a few things during my four months there. On the job training ftw. Which puzzles me as to why HR diplomas/degrees exist.. Maybe my job scope's here's too narrow to judge...

Benja: Any last words?

Ben: o_O

And there you have it... If only exit interviews were as colourful as these...



You feel at ease as you flock with the masses,
What do you see with your heads in their asses?
Keep on railing at what I believe ,
Call me insane and I am proud to be.

And I walk the wicked way!

We don't wanna be like you,
Don't you get that King Of Fools,
We don't mind your life is trite,
You are the King Of Fools.

We are never gonna be like you,
We don't follow - King of fools,
You are the blind who lead the blind!