I cannot take this anymore.  ¶ 11:47 PM 0 Comments

  couldn't it was starting to bug me.
mmmmkay.  ¶ 11:22 PM 0 Comments

  To: V. Sahadevan

By gosh, I really do hope you're Googling me or something because there is no way, absolutely NO WAY, that you'd know of my twitter account from someone. Very few people know of it and they're all from my Uni and I'm so elitist now of whom I make friends with I've no doubt that you don't know them. Granted I picked the most unoriginal (am I supposed to say original here, because my name really is but the fact that I picked that weird name for an account is not) name but that's not the point.

The point here is that you bothered. You bothered to look me up on facebook, on friendster AND on twitter. While I didn't.

I. DIDN'T.

And I didn't add you back. And I didn't give you a message. Nothing. Zilch, ZERO (much like the person you are to me). So why do you bother trying?

Fuck off outta my life!

I don't want to be friends with you. Let me tell you the reasons why.

1. When we were in Millennia, you completely ignored me. Be it after we broke up or the months after that. And of course I was the person who ignored you as well but only because I was trying to get over you. But still, after all said and done, you really couldn't be bothered with me then when I was right in front of you. But now that we're no longer in contact and such, why should I give you the time of day since you took me for granted?

2. I understand promises and words are meant to be broken sometimes but remember when I told you that when and if I walked away, I never turn back? This is it. Recognise it for what it is. There is nothing of you now that I treasure. I don't even remember your kindness, don't remember what you like and whatnot. All I remember is that you loved spouting bullshit to me (commitment-phobe, can't be with me because you'd lose a friend wtf, etc., etc.,) you'd hurt me relentlessly and you'd treat me as though we never were anything to each other when you could be so tender to another person with the same history.

3. I hate you. I hate how you assume that after months of not talking, of ignoring each other, of never even acknowledging each other you just pop up like a bad facebook chat and ask me which Uni I got in. Wtf...? I found it hard to discuss my result to friends of 5 years and here you are, some jackass from my past who never spoke to me, whom I assumed forgot about me, asking me about my future prospects?! I'm sorry but I don't find it polite to ask new acquaintances about what they're gonna do with their lives/future. I think a How are you? might suffice, but no. No. You thought you'd ask me straight up Hey, which school are you going to? To put it crudely as I do so well, it's like going on a date and asking Hey, so are you gonna fuck me?

4. This is childish but since you started it without giving me an e-mail or asking someone for my number like you knew how to do then, I'll go do the same yeah? If I didn't add you on friendster or facebook AND blocked you on MSN, it kinda reeks of me not wanting to be associated with you right? RIGHT?! Did the rugby boys drop you on your head so much, some brain cells come loose or you're unable to come to a conclusion or something? So much so that you've got to try twitter as well? Huh, HUH?! Are you a stickler for rejection or something? Do you crave it so much you've got to try every form of internet network/friend channel thingy? I mean if that's the case just get a dice and pretend you'd lose whatever number you get. It'd save you alot of time.

I think its pretty interesting that with all the trying you do, it never gets through your thick skull. I've thrown out every memory of you. Everything. All that's left is the knowledge that our relationship (be it as friends or something more) was a fraud and it was total bullshit. Nothing more. Have you rid your life of me? I suggest you do. I also find it telling that you only try me through the internet when back then you'd go looking in other people. What you're doing now is insincere. I've no idea what I owe you. I'd give you back those 3-5months of time wasted but I can't. I'd give you back everything but I can't. Trust me, I don't want my past tainted by you. I don't need you. I don't forgive you. I don't want to be friends with you because you're shit at it.

I've nothing to say to you that's little more then Fuck You. I don't wish to re-connect with you. Neither do I wish anything on you or for you. Just mutherfucking leave me the fuck alone because life is dandy without you.

I hope you see this. By golly, I PRAY you see this just to know how much I fucking want you to walk off the edge of this earth.  ¶ 4:21 AM 0 Comments

  oh loss This encapsules all that I am in love:

so i’m trying pretty hard to be perfect. perhaps perfect is too strong; mindful, considerate, eager to please, call it what you will.

don’t text too much because it comes across as desperate. never send two texts in a row for the same reason. no facebook chat every time he logs on, ‘cause that’s desperate too, as is ‘Liking’ everything he posts, so don’t do that either. remember not to ask when we’re seeing each other next because nonchalance is key, right? don’t sound to eager when he suggests doing something in the future, remember, nonchalance. when you’re out with other people, don’t demand his attention, he’s not there just for you. and don’t make an issue of him making friends with new girls, that’s asking for trouble, you don’t want to look jealous and insecure. when he wants to go to sleep before you do, don’t latch onto him because you’ll seem weak, needy, intense.

all these crazy rules i’ve made up in my head so you don’t see past this facade. i’m not nonchalant, i over-think everything. i can be intense, and i’m definitely jealous at times. but in essence, at the crux of all this overanalysation; i am insanely in love with you. i just wish you knew how far away i am from nonchalance.

-tseluyu.

(leloveimage.blogspot.com)


I love this blog. It gives me hope.  ¶ 12:06 AM 0 Comments

  oh ho-ho Back from watching two movies. Fantastic Mr. Fox and A Christmas Carol.  ¶ 9:55 PM 0 Comments

  dreaming I've been dreaming infinitely now. All I can think of nowadays is how nice it would be to cuddle up to someone, share an inside joke, lazing around having a picnic and being sung to. It's all crap and love and bubbles of temporary joy and I definitely realize that.

Some days I think of all the people I've let go and people I wish could be something different and how absolutely and immensely I want to change a part of my life. But like I said, it's all crap.

Haven't you met that one person who you think you connected with but turns out, s/he didn't exactly feel the same way? Or you read the 'signals' wrong? I can think of two people whom, at a point, I really really liked and suddenly just slipped away. Don't you just hate situations like these? The slipped away circumstance. The never-going-back line. The there-is-no-point-telling-them-now-because-it-was-so-long-ago-and-it-would-make-no-sense-now. And these are the people I still have immense respect for and I would never want to spoil things with them. Sigh.

So now I'm dreaming of my perfect date. A movie, a walk through a REAL flea market and a Damien Rice concert at a nice place where we can have dinner at the same time. And this should and can only all happen in the UK or US. Because Damien Rice doesn't come to Singapore. Or Greg Laswell for that matter as well.

I keep telling myself its all not at the right time but I know I am at an incredible disadvantage with my height, my size and the way I dress. I do realise I am not really the tallest of girls and maybe I should be thankful of that. But when you live in a place like Singapore where some, or should I say, most guys are only my height or a little taller -say 5cm- it doesn't leave much room for a girl like me. And don't deny it men, you like them small, tiny, itty bitty girls who frequent blogshops and Home Club/Butter Factory. Ugh, screw this. This gets me nowhere you know?!

Yeah? Screw you.


Random note: You enjoy the attention don't you? And that's why you tell all your stories. Kalau suka tu, cakap je la suka kan? Kalau tak suka, you won't even bring it up! Because it's embarrassing! And when they ask how it was you wanna act all EWWW! THEY'RE SO GROSS by like saying things like IT SUCKED? Just fucking admit you like the attention already. You're so predictable.  ¶ 2:09 AM 0 Comments

  I am very very upset now. Reading all the things that all these forum people say are making me worried. Birds don't show that they are sick until the very last moment. And that is when they are almost on the verge of DYING. Manis is breathing heavily, always puffs up his feathers, sleeps constantly and NOW he can't crap without getting some on himself. Sumpah sekarang dah tak senonoh seh dia.

He's been sick for two weeks and it was then that we should have brought him to the vet. And now he's in a worse condition then he as before. How can someone promise to "take care" of another's pet but refuses to take him to the vet when it's sick?! What. The. Fuck!!!
And will he feel guilty? All he cared about was that his other birds were not infected. How fucking kurang ajar is that?!?!!!!! Two weeks I kept bugging him and he didn't listen. He never listens to me!! Where is his sense of responsiblity and ethics and morals and such?! If the bird dies it will be his fault. It's not that the bird was sick anyway or old anyway but you!! You who could've prevented it and made him better and healthier but you purposely did not!! U will blame you entirely for it. I hate you for doing what you did. For ignoring me, for not listening to me. One was already lost and you still let this happen? Tak serik-serik seh. And I will not forgive you if it dies.

I HATE YOU!  ¶ 11:29 AM 0 Comments

  Whine Hah! Finally! Thank you my dear iPod. Bragging rights here!

I am feeling so lousy today!! Fucking feel too lonely and my afternoon plans to go swimming got cancelled thanks to the red lights! What a crap Monday!

And to add to that my dear lovebird Manis is still sickly and not himself and my *insert cuss here* of a father left him unattended with Bobby, the terror of terrors to the little Manis! Fucking stupid okay! And what did Bobby do? Bite Manis of course! Already his beak is the size of Manis' head so imagine him getting bitten! I was fucking upset! And my father wouldn't even admit to his faults. Just said he didn't notice or thought he was out of harms way and all other means of excuses that I cannot be bothered to recollect. And I really wanted to smack Bobby or really hurt him coz the poor bird was already not well, too small, and so still not being taken to the vet to be properly looked at an here he comes trying to bite him. At the neck area no less!! And there were feathers a flurry but thank God the little thing wasn't hurt. And all I heard was my mum screeching and that sound annoys me more!

And while I was shouting to my dad to be more careful, that they don't know better, that they are animals and that they don't know and all he said was that he didn't know either and that they're both animals. WTF. I really don't think he cares for the pets. I really don't. He says be reads the articles online about birdcare but if he does, he should know that at the first sign of sickness they should be brought to the vet! And look at Manis! Still the same thing after I keep telling him to take it to the vet. And all he cares is that they are able to talk and if they are unwell it means they're upset with the new surroundings! He keeps saying that about Manis when it's obviously been with us for far too long to still be unused to the household! The goddamned thing is sick dammit!

Fucking ridiculous and I am fucking pissed!  ¶ 11:59 PM 0 Comments

  i am not interested Today has been good. I got sushi of dinner and it cost my mum a bomb.
But then tonight has not been good.
I am so not a good daughter.


My mum has this nasty habit of just rambling on when no one really listens anymore. It's annoying. And she repeats things over and over and over to the house pets and it really grates on my nerves. AND she says things so loudly and laughs and repeats it and then rambles which is like *eye roll*.

So I was reading some blog about what New York has to offer and she starts talking about the popurri on the dining table and how she joked to my aunt how she made it herself. And seriously, I was there when she made the joke and I've heard this 2-3 times before. I mean, you KNOW I know the story. But she recounts it for some reason. And really, I am not interested. So I half smile and look back once or twice or so. And I even told her, "Kenapa Ibu kecoh nah?" (Why are you so upbeat/noisy/excited?" And she's like "Coz I tricked her! And maybe I should've told her its edible and see if she tries to eat it!" And in my head I'm like "Back to New York..."

So then she switches the telly to Channel 5 to watch the second part of The Two Towers. Earlier, there was the first half of the show coz I saw it on Teletext. And me being me thought it was at 10pm and its actually at 11. (I've no idea why I thought 2300 is 10pm. I'm just born that way.) So my mum saw instead Priviledge and started to go all "ADIK! Where got that show?" And I looked at the wall clock and it was 10pm and it then dawned on me that it was at 11pm instead and I said "Oh. It's at 11 then." And I wasn't joking like I do sometimes and she thought I was and went all "Anyhow only you ah..."

And.
I.
Blew.
Up.

"MISTAKE LA! CANNOT ISSIT!? WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?!"

Because, seriously, you bug me when I am busy with my own stuff, you think I'm joking when I'm not... Gee whiz!

And earlier when my brother went to the loo, she complained it was stinking up the kitchen and then wafted to the living room. I mean, SERIOUSLY woman? It's not air freshener you know. And he wasn't in there for very long! No scent travels that far... She just cannot be contented with just like an "OMG. SO SMELLY!!" She's gotta make crazy statements that irritates people so.

Sometimes she really just pushes the wrong buttons and I just wanna scream to her to shut up! How does Feezah and Huda have such a good relationship with her mum? I really don't understand how one can be so patient!

So right now I feel like crap. Thank you. AARGH.  ¶ 10:04 PM 0 Comments

  Close shave. And today I ALMOST typed friendster.com on my browser bar.
I stopped myself after "fr" and saved the shame that would befall me if I were to fully type it and press Enter.
I went straight to Facebook and redeemed my street cred.  ¶ 9:49 PM 0 Comments