To my kids; Lessons of love

To my future kids, these are stories which I never would be strong enough to tell you but want you to know as these will help you understand why I act the way I do and say the things I say. I can never teach you what's right and what's wrong just by telling you as it is something we learn from the environment; from the culture we experience, people we meet and what we tend to pick up as we go on in life. But I hope that these will aid you in your journey and help guide you, hopefully as early in your life as it possibly can before things go too far, and relationships and people's lives get shattered.

This is a letter addressed to my love at the time;

"15th December 2012

To: My Dearest

As I sit here trying to swallow the exam notes from last semester for a job interview soon, I can't stop myself from thinking all the things you told me about your past. When you first told me it wasn't easy, and it didn't get much easier even after a year today. I know it is unfair on you for me to keep bringing it up, but it plays in my head  over and over like a scratched cd, eating up through my conscience that I feel like I need to talk to a therapist. I broke my promise to not tell on you by talking to a few of my friends, but I let you know that I did. I know it must have been hard for you to tell me, but for some reason I feel that you deserve all the humiliation.

It broke my heart to find out that you think having an affair with your uncle's wife was not wrong because she was his wife. You act and talk as if he deserves this, talking about all his unfaithfulness (he btw did not fuck any females other than his wife) and his reckless expenditure (if you haven't noticed, he buys things not only for himself, but for his family). You said that she was a sad lonely person who wasn't treated well by her husband. But she wasn't even abused. You said that he should have been more caring, more loving, just as you would do for the love of your life. Guess what, in the end, you still bring me unhappiness. Perhaps I'm not the love of your life? Did you seriously think that by betraying your flesh and blood and then tell me to live the lie you're living in will make me happy? Bet you never thought of that while you were fucking her.

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Probably you were too young (you were only 17) and like other boys at that age, think that fucking a woman decades older than you is a badge of honour (I'm not sure if family members or wife of family members count). Maybe she made you feel like you were special. Now I can't even type that without smirking. Did you seriously think that because she decided to tell you all about her oh-so-pathetic deepest-darkest-secretive lack-of-a-love-life (even tho she agreed to marry him herself. she probably married him for knowing she will be able to go overseas, like many other girls' dream so she technically brought this upon herself), that you are then her bestest goodest friend, that you were soulmates, that you are now permitted to be girlfriend and boyfriend, and that you two can go fuck in the house while her husband gets money to put food on the table for you both? (You said your mum sent money over but guess what, he didn't even use it or at least, he returned it in full anyways, so who owes who now, bitch?). What's sicker is that he works just a few metres away, in the small house in the backyard. I seriously hope that he had actually fucked some of his acupuncture patients.

I hate you for trying to even justify what you did. You said that she was still good looking for her age. What the hell. You're justifying your actions with 'she still looks good for her age'. What the hell. People do compliment their relatives but apparently you took it to a whole new level. I'm SO sorry that I have to say this but, if that is your standard, then I guess I'm not very pretty. From a female, as usually females know better about looks as we are untainted by our affection and feelings towards other females (because we don't have any), point of view, she was and IS just average at best, and I guess I should be offended that I fall under your superlow standards. And I also guess, that's what you get for not being taught to refer to her as AUNT but older sister. So perhaps, your family is actually at fault too. It makes me wonder what you thought of her for the 5 years you've stayed with her (and together with your grandparents, how incredibly awkward) before you officially become fuck buddies. Perhaps she was sooooooo fucking hot when you peeked under the bathroom door and watched her shower. Maybe all she eats is cucumber and thus have a waist like the broomstick and that's your idea of hot (That's also probably why you kept saying I'm fat). And now that I think about it, maybe at some point in those blurry years, you were fucking her while your grandparents were at home. I will be SO glad if they tell me they knew about it and just let you both go on because uncle doesn't love her and care and that she can now just be your sex slave, might as well put her into good use since they're feeding her.

Your stories of how you both started were also so bizarre. Apparently you 'kissed her' when you were sick. Maybe you felt soooooooo touched that she came to bring you head towels, give you medications, maybe she FED you. Oh come on. My mum and dad do that all the time. Doesn't mean that I should fall in love and go fuck them. Apparently she massaged you and you probably felt sooooo good, with her every touch vibrates through your whole body and her hair sparkling under the sun shining through your room window made you think she was such a sweet faced angel. Wow, such a magic touch. I should totally learn these from her so I can go find some young boys to come fuck me when I'm old and desperate. And make sure the sun shines on me too. Apparently her boobies touched your body first. Then her pussy pressed against you. And you went crazy. WHY THE FUCK WAS SHE TOUCHING YOU?? I know she was a physiotherapist and your uncle was an acupuncturist and you probably after alllllll your sports felt soooooo achy you were sooooo desperate to have a massage (these will probably be the reasons you'll tell me to justify yourself) DID YOUR UNCLE ACTUALLY WANT YOU BOTH TO FUCK?? So perhaps, he's also the reason here.

You mentioned starting at the toilet yadayada. Mostly on your bed yadayada. Perhaps it was also on the sofa, his bed, your grandparents' bed, the floor, the bathroom floor. Gosh. Those must've been really good sex. Which I doubt. Because females don't orgasm that much. She was so cunning she had you fooled into thinking you both were having the best sex of your lives. The most upsetting thing is that this continued on till hmmm about 4 years? While your uncle went on to re-learn and re-train as an intern, you both continued to fuck like bunnies. Especially that time when he was away on a conference. Poor Cousin. She gets sent to school and without her knowing, disgusting things happen  in the house she grows up in. She would probably vomit to find out all these things. I was relieved to count her age and convince myself that she is not your own child. How sick and twisted would that have been.

Anyways, I'm not sure how much torture Uncle must have been having to know these have been happening. He would've been wondering why there were condoms in the place where your aunt thought would be hidden well and why you both were always so awkward around him and why she was all over you bringing you tea while you study and being so nice that you melted a bit and made you feel like you can move to a cave together and throw your mum dad grandparents away and work in macdonalds for her zzzzzzzzzzzzzz You know what, he might even have spent on all those things you and your aunt were gossiping and shaking your heads together about because you both have been spending soooo much time together that he just felt like he wants to fit in. Or because he knew what's happening and those were his ways of reassuring himself. I don't know how he holds back his tears because uncle is not a dumb guy. You both think he is, but he's not. Every bit of his heart probably already died that he now has no emotions at all for these things that happened. And there you are, still on your stupid aunt's side. Technically she should take most of the blame because she's SUPPOSED to be the adult here and prevent these things from happening, and that you were technically raped. But you and I both know you played your part too. Every time you grope her while she's in   the kitchen and play with her pussy till it gets dripping wet because you can't control yourself. You never actively try to suppress yourself by thinking of all the heart aches and family feuds and how your dad might cut your cock out.

Every time I cried this year wasn't because you did all these. But because deep in my heart, as hard as I try not to believe, I knew that you didn't regret it. Even though you said and will say you did, but your words telling me that your uncle deserves it and the look in your face just breaks my heart into pieces. Because if you really did regret it, you would've not only stopped it earlier, you would've been treating your uncle better, you wouldn't be living in a lie, you wouldn't drag me into your lies, and you would be a broken person. But you didn't, you did, and you aren't.

I actually do really like you. You must be wondering how can I say all these hurtful things to you. Only because I really like you and I'm scared for what will happen to you. I can't build a life with you knowing that your future which will be my future, and your family which will be my family, and your kids which will be my kids, will be in jeopardy because of the mental illness that will inflict your uncle, dad, mum, grandparents (your aunt must already be insane so she's not mentioned).

I made myself (and to friends) a promise - that I will stop this if I can't take it anymore. We will separate and I will disappear from you just as I would have all memories of you disappear from my mind.

So if we are still together when I read this next time, kudos. I salute you and I, for doing what I think now to be just plain impossible.


Sincerely,
Yours.


P/S I admit that I am now broken; mentally, emotionally, religiously and in my own principles. Because Christianity teaches to love and forgive (and not curse) and I can't. Marriage is a something so sacred to me that for me to think of being married to you scares me because it clearly means nothing to you."

a new year

but it seems like it has already been so long.
so exhausted.
tho it doesn't look like i'm the only one feeling this way..