after all's been said and done

i'm going to give one chance. but i'm not telling.

Canberra

humans are social animals

Everyone is different. The way people walk and talk. What they do and don’t. It’s hard not to judge when, the decision we feel is so unbelievably obvious is not the one made by the other person. When everyone has gone through different experiences and grew up different lives, why do we still think our values and morals are any better than others? The next time we doubt others, perhaps we should question ourselves, could there be a reason behind it all?

Nothing is lonelier than holding so hard on to your friends only to find them forsake you.

who do you think you are

i learnt to live half alive why cant you

tak semua yang kita rancang kan berlaku

and if you don't mind

can you tell me all your hopes and fears and everything that you believe in

my back hurts, my head aches

just so tired these days. wonder why

it's a sweet life

fleshandblood

my ears burnt as i watched her moan and cry in pain. wanting to reach out, all i could do was stand stoic, pretending what i was seeing a normal everyday occurrence. not that we weren't trained to do so. acting like i wasn't bothered by the screams and cries of agony shouldn't have been a problem. but it wasn't easy. no sudden moves. just mimicking the energy of the young midwife in charge.

the lady begs to be relieved out her misery. "drugs..you promised me drugs". i felt guilty. guilty i couldn't do anything to ease her pain. guilty on behalf of the medical personnel who rooted the idea of medicine use in a woman with a history of quick labours/deliveries. guilty for the woman not having received a clearer explanation of the indications of meds much earlier. guilty i couldn't tell her morphine may not live up as the magic cure she was hoping for. i was ashamed just as i was, guilty.

as things went on further, the midwife kept asking the lady to breathe in the gas (nitrous oxide). the lady rejected it again and again. i felt like screaming at the midwife to stop telling the lady what to do. but it was like a pendulum. i wanted to scream at the lady for not wanting to give the gas even one try. her husband left in frustration.

finally the lady gave in. what can she do. 

call it protocol or being safe (mum would not have broken the drug down before the baby comes out. bad as bub's liver may not be able to so leading to probs), the midwife was right in choosing to stand firm on her ground. the midwife jotted down the events in the lady's medical notes and i wondered if the lady's social history might have played a role. but how far would you go..?

when bub came out, the mum was a lot calmer. standing at the end of her bed watching her as she looked into the midwife's eyes, there was a different feeling compared to the other women. i knew it wasn't the exhaustion or pain. was she disappointed? well i would be. was she sad? before, she mentioned en passe how everything's different with this pregnancy and was unsure about it. given the history of violence in her current marriage, i couldn't help but feel sorry for her. perhaps it was her loneliness i felt. i hope her new bub will remind her he wouldn't leave her, even if it's just because he couldn't (lol). 

though the world seems to be going against you, in the end, someone still needs you.

life stresses

you say the ball is in my hands but why did you make me feel guilty?