Only minutes ago after being reminded by Glo did I realise I have a blog lol..This post may be too long though (giving a warning hehe)
What has been happening..
This year I officially became a 4th year and have started to be in the hospital fulltime. Time went by so fast I am now currently already in my 2nd rotation - surgery (towards the end too). As of this moment, I have gotten to see a wide variety of patients and their illnesses. The ones who tend to linger in my mind though, would probably have to be Ca patients.
One patient who, apart from the frank yellow discolouration of his whole body (which would probably stun people who enters a room to be greeted by him), looked really well that it was hard to believe that he was already approaching his end by the turn of events that brought him to the outpatient clinic. That fateful day I got to watch how a very experienced doctor (surgeon) tells the elderly patient and his son, to put it basically, that he was to die soon. It was pretty obvious that the doctor has gone through hundreds of these, as he managed to normalise the whole dying situation with such calmness and grace. There was even humour scattered around with a middle aged man (son) weeping in the background. There came a point when it seemed like the there was some haggling going on;
Doctor: Blabla..you're allowed to die =D blabla we all will at some point =D blabla
Patient: My son is going to _ for a vacation. He will be coming back in 6 months..will I..?
Doctor: (Instead of gloomy expressions like in TV dramas, picture smiley lips and smiley eyes) No. Not that long *continues to say some things that I don't think would have registered into the patient judging by the distant look in his eyes*
Patient: How bout my other son who's at _ now..he's coming back in 6 weeks..
Doctor: Oh, before that! (for some reason it sounded so chirpy it seemed like we were talking about the flu)
These might lead us to think about how inappropriate the doctor was but quite frankly, I would not do it any other way. It was straight to the point, no dramas, and yes, the patient *is* allowed to die lol.
The patient took it really well (I realised many Ca patients are actually pretty tough) but could not say the same for the son.
Another thing I realised was how soft I still was. I've seen patients being given bad news, dying patients, pitiful patients, patients in tormenting pain, patient dying right in front of my eyes..and still, I could feel tears building up. Probably because I found it difficult to accept a grown man (the son in this case) in such emotional agony. Growing up in an era which still (albeit decreasingly with the rise of feminism) holds the man to be the pillar of strength and 'gagahness', it just stroke some chords in my heart to watch how fragile and broken a man can be. Still in an era where men must tuck their emotions well away from anyone to see, I thought of how powerful love can be, to the point of forcing out a man's vulnerability.
That was one patient.
Yesterday I met one patient who looked pretty fit but also a yellowed overall discolouration. At the beginning of the interview (honestly from afar before I even started =p ), I felt intimidated by him - he looked fierce with a big beard and the sharpness in his eyes (really lol). As we progressed through his history, I gradually felt the weight he has to bear and I felt sorry for him. Not so much raising two young girls on his own but the worry he has for them if anything were to happen to him . Again, a story of love. As at the time of my typing, he is recovering from an invasive type of scanning and still awaiting the results. I pray that his cancer is curable or one with good prognosis or at least gives him a little more time, even if only to prepare the girls.
(btw, he did not feel too unwell [some cancers can be so occult but i'd like to think of it as a typical male shrugging off any signs of weakness ;)] prior to presentation at the hospital but was nagged by his daughters as he just did not look right).
Another patient was one who had a cancer removed from his oesophagus but readmitted due to a symptom which may be 1)the effect of the removal(most likely) 2)incomplete removal 3)recurrence. This cancer is one that has a poor prognosis even with surgery i.e. low 5 year survival rate.
The main benefit of sitting down and taking a patient's full history is that most of the time it gives clues to a patient's illness. In effect, it is the main weapon used to tackle a problem. And like a real weapon, it can also hurt us back (not being cheesy).
Intermittently during our conversation the patient would tell me 'it's ok'. Gradually I began to suspect that this could actually be how he is coping with the whole Ca setback. And as we talked more, little things like how he loves cooking, how he prepares meals for his sons as he wants them to eat good food, how he cooks for his wife, how he cooks for his visitors but him eating his little soup afterwards, how he so longed for pieces of meat and made tiny sandwiches and gulped lots of water with em but ended up spewing and kept trying by covering em with lots of mayonnaise (lol oops too many random details =p), how health problems have been bringing the family closer together (ok I shall stop now)..And then we kept talking.
I wish that with whatever path that has been set for him, that this good man be blessed.
There are other stories that I think will get stuck with me for a long time. Probably too much of a bore to write them on here =p. Honestly, a lot of times I caught myself not thinking much about how patients actually have lives and are apparently, real humans! Though when I do, and get to know more details, depending on circumstances, gives a good wholesome feeling but also can be quite saddening. I can see how easy it is to fall into that valley of indifference..in a way it gives an escape from the building up of burdening emotions..Hopefully, I'll be able to get a balance..
Anyways, next post will most definitely be a whining one. Cause I'm a whiny whiny person bahaha. See yas xx
