10 December 2011
have you ever felt like
you've done everything you can and tried your best to avoid certain things from happening but you end up falling into that trap anyways.
9 December 2011
Something i haven't said for a long time
Hail Holy Queen
Hail Holy Queen, mother of mercy
Hail our life, our sweetness, and our hope
To you do we cry, poor banished children of Eve
To you do we send up our sighs,
Mourning and weeping in this valley of tears
Turn then O most gracious advocate,
Your eyes of mercy toward us,
And after this our exile,
Show unto us the blessed fruit of your womb, Jesus
O clement
O loving
O sweet Virgin Mary
Have I lost touch?
Never judge a book by its cover
It's true what they say.
Anyways. nothing to do but to look at the bright side of things.
Anyways. nothing to do but to look at the bright side of things.
5 December 2011
14 November 2011
8 November 2011
23 October 2011
19 October 2011
humans are social animals
Everyone is different. The way people walk and talk. What they
do and don’t. It’s hard not to judge when, the decision we feel is so unbelievably
obvious is not the one made by the other person. When everyone has gone through
different experiences and grew up different lives, why do we still think our
values and morals are any better than others? The next time we doubt others, perhaps
we should question ourselves, could there be a reason behind it all?
Nothing is lonelier than holding so hard on to your friends
only to find them forsake you.
16 October 2011
15 October 2011
12 October 2011
6 October 2011
4 October 2011
1 October 2011
fleshandblood
my ears burnt as i watched her moan and cry in pain. wanting to reach out, all i could do was stand stoic, pretending what i was seeing a normal everyday occurrence. not that we weren't trained to do so. acting like i wasn't bothered by the screams and cries of agony shouldn't have been a problem. but it wasn't easy. no sudden moves. just mimicking the energy of the young midwife in charge.
the lady begs to be relieved out her misery. "drugs..you promised me drugs". i felt guilty. guilty i couldn't do anything to ease her pain. guilty on behalf of the medical personnel who rooted the idea of medicine use in a woman with a history of quick labours/deliveries. guilty for the woman not having received a clearer explanation of the indications of meds much earlier. guilty i couldn't tell her morphine may not live up as the magic cure she was hoping for. i was ashamed just as i was, guilty.
as things went on further, the midwife kept asking the lady to breathe in the gas (nitrous oxide). the lady rejected it again and again. i felt like screaming at the midwife to stop telling the lady what to do. but it was like a pendulum. i wanted to scream at the lady for not wanting to give the gas even one try. her husband left in frustration.
finally the lady gave in. what can she do.
call it protocol or being safe (mum would not have broken the drug down before the baby comes out. bad as bub's liver may not be able to so leading to probs), the midwife was right in choosing to stand firm on her ground. the midwife jotted down the events in the lady's medical notes and i wondered if the lady's social history might have played a role. but how far would you go..?
when bub came out, the mum was a lot calmer. standing at the end of her bed watching her as she looked into the midwife's eyes, there was a different feeling compared to the other women. i knew it wasn't the exhaustion or pain. was she disappointed? well i would be. was she sad? before, she mentioned en passe how everything's different with this pregnancy and was unsure about it. given the history of violence in her current marriage, i couldn't help but feel sorry for her. perhaps it was her loneliness i felt. i hope her new bub will remind her he wouldn't leave her, even if it's just because he couldn't (lol).
though the world seems to be going against you, in the end, someone still needs you.
28 September 2011
ah yeah
lol.
21 September 2011
one day
a beat up blue convertible
with red leather seats
we'll head out far away
and break down somewhere
but it won't matter
cause it'll be us waitin on the sunset
PS click on pic for bigger
19 September 2011
best year ever
this year i realised some people i used to consider as 'close friends' - and i did try to be there (when i could. but there's only so much i could do) for em if they're down, layan-ing when they're bored, try to be on the same wavelengths, always including em in any plans/keeping em and myself uptodate - were probably never friends with me anyways. like yesterday's paper i'm no longer of use and should just be chucked out. i know i shouldn't mind and i should just move on, but seriously?
while i spent countless hours listening to you as you poured your heart out when you were at a low and digging my brain thinking of advices to give, holding my patience and suppressing my frustration at how easily you brushed them all off, convincing myself you're just in a bad mood and don't actually mean it when you kept accusing me of mocking you; i think i need to stop ignoring the fact that your picture of me is just that - useless. since now you have the bestest friends you could ever ask for, thanks for forgetting me.
and you. as we acted as if nothing happened and continued on where we left off (when it was all fine and dandy), you just have to ask if everything's alright. after you crushed my confidence and pushed me away 10thousand times, really? thanks for showing me what the best and worst feel like.
while i spent countless hours listening to you as you poured your heart out when you were at a low and digging my brain thinking of advices to give, holding my patience and suppressing my frustration at how easily you brushed them all off, convincing myself you're just in a bad mood and don't actually mean it when you kept accusing me of mocking you; i think i need to stop ignoring the fact that your picture of me is just that - useless. since now you have the bestest friends you could ever ask for, thanks for forgetting me.
and you. as we acted as if nothing happened and continued on where we left off (when it was all fine and dandy), you just have to ask if everything's alright. after you crushed my confidence and pushed me away 10thousand times, really? thanks for showing me what the best and worst feel like.
18 September 2011
of half fulls and half emptys
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the cup of water. I drank it.
The Opportunist
Yep
I'm the bad guy. again.
You laid yourself bare and we shared
Holding on to every little thing I said
You worked your way through my world
Creeping up my conscience and seeing me right through
With those kind words and a gentle voice
You started pulling me into that lonely world of yours
And I got so scared
I may have done you wrong but
You will never know you drove me to the brink of insanity
You laid yourself bare and we shared
Holding on to every little thing I said
You worked your way through my world
Creeping up my conscience and seeing me right through
With those kind words and a gentle voice
You started pulling me into that lonely world of yours
And I got so scared
I may have done you wrong but
You will never know you drove me to the brink of insanity
15 September 2011
ssss
Saxophones sound so sexy.
and the semiconscious lead singing and groovin mm
Loving the double sax on the Hamish&Andy show. Double saxiness.
13 September 2011
Porque doktorr
Recently, much has been mentioned about the number of med graduates being produced and released back at 'ze motherland', subsequently affecting the quality of the compulsory housemanship training these fresh meat undergo before becoming a full-fledged medical officer (the actual competent and self-able doctor). Which isn't really a surprise judging by the sheer number of medical schools back home (today itself a new medical school has officially opened its doors to its first batch of med students. There are at least 2 more that have been confirmed to be on their way - and will be opening soon enough).
New private colleges/universities offering medical degrees, other privates creating their own medical courses, and batch sizes that seem to be growing each year are collectively a testament to how this once prestigious (not meaning to sound pompous but there *is* a reason why many parents have actively encouraged/pushed/forced their kids into the medical field) course has now been reduced to a mere cash cow. Dissecting further, one would discover how exorbitant the fees could be in a private medical school just to have the students learn most things on their own (which is generally the direction most modern schools are leaning towards these days) and show up to school only to be tested/questioned. You could probably argue that traditionally, medical schools have always been expensive. However, back then there were lectures whole day everyday, fresh cadavers for students to explore etc. So where do all the money paid today actually go to? This most likely end up as insurance fees (just in case a patient sues - more on this next time) but this would only be logical if the student is in his/her clinical phase. If a student is only cooped up at home with their books, attending uni for a few hours a day, with zilch interaction with real patients, what actually happens to all these money? Sure, there is the occasional library update and renovations for a more comfortable (both physically and to the eyes) space, but there is only so much that can be bought. Would it really be a surprise for a sizeable amount of money to end up in someone's pocket?
A few years back, there was already an awareness about the exponentially increasing number of medical trainees. A famous (or infamous) politician who was a medical doctor himself once put it this way, 'if you throw a rock out a window, you would not hit a doctor but five' (well, something along that line). Generally, developing (and even developed) countries have always had a shortage of medical professionals. Doctor:patient ratios in town areas usually are comparable to what WHO deem as ideal whereas the situation is not that optimistic rural-ly (note that we are using ratios instead of actual numbers - there would be more doctors in urban areas as the number of patient intake is much higher). Logically speaking, who would want to venture out into uncertainty; where help would be harder to access should he/she encounter difficulty, fewer colleague support to fall back on, and technology enough to just survive. Not forgetting, these doctors are more likely than not, pure urban, having been raised in the luxury of hygiene and comfort. It was probably the honest intention of wanting to improve the ratios in rural areas that have lead to the encouragement/approval by the government/medical council in any steps that would lead to more medically trained students, especially considering the brain drain problem that has been plaguing the country. But really, who would blame the soundminded people who have tasted (ie in Western countries) the sweetness of real democracy (at least relatively to back home), the culture of celebrating and sharing knowledge, the more humane working conditions; and all these on top of the better remuneration. Flooding the market with doctors in such a short period of time with hopes of keeping up with the rate of this drainage may soon backfire. We are currently just starting to feel the burden of congesting the wards with students and junior doctors.
Junior doctors/housemen/interns are on paper, doctors, but not quite there yet. With the year of housemanship (proposals/decisions to increase this to 2 since it was deemed 1 year was not enough - and this goes back to the main point of this post), these juniors are further trained; with them adjusting to their new-found responsibility, easing up to their capabilities, as well as identifying and fixing their own weaknesses. Each junior would be assigned to look after a ward, thus optimizing the variability of disorders/illnesses they encounter and teach em skills eg time management, patient/procedure-prioritising (perhaps the phrase 'working better under pressure' is appropriate here). That was how the system worked, or at least how I've always thought it was. Imagine the horror having a senior doctor expressing his concern regarding the crowding in the wards by junior doctors, how each junior is allocated to just 4(seriously?) patients each and there aren't enough senior doctors/consultants to conduct teaching thus compromising their learning. In the blog by this particular doc, terms such as 'pasar malam' were used and it just seems all too worrying. Of course, the fact that the hospital this doctor is working in is one of the main teaching hospitals is a justifiable reason, but with over 30 medical schools in the country churning out junior doctors by the factoryload and the homecoming docs (from the world over), where do these freshfaces go for training? We can't just dump them at a small hospital with no senior docs to guide them - where's the training?.
Having said all that tho, one good thing about having many doctors is the shifting system could then be tuned as such that work would now be less taxing on doctors and thus a possible reduction in complications associated with having overworked docs. And we could always roster out the junior docs who have finished their training (or towards the end) at a teaching/bigger hospital to the rural areas, and therefore (hopefully), achieving the dream to have a better doc:patient ratio.
Personally, I would agree with any arrangement that enables me to learn and get the valuable (and much needed) exposure before I put my license to kill to use. Crossing fingers that things would get sorted out and there would be an efficient organization by the time I enter the system (I won't even enter a sarcastic comment to avoid jinxing it).
(Here I did not mention: prospects of having more doctors going into specializations and meeting the high demands in the country, liability and the culture of suing, med jobs or lack thereof in other countries)
New private colleges/universities offering medical degrees, other privates creating their own medical courses, and batch sizes that seem to be growing each year are collectively a testament to how this once prestigious (not meaning to sound pompous but there *is* a reason why many parents have actively encouraged/pushed/forced their kids into the medical field) course has now been reduced to a mere cash cow. Dissecting further, one would discover how exorbitant the fees could be in a private medical school just to have the students learn most things on their own (which is generally the direction most modern schools are leaning towards these days) and show up to school only to be tested/questioned. You could probably argue that traditionally, medical schools have always been expensive. However, back then there were lectures whole day everyday, fresh cadavers for students to explore etc. So where do all the money paid today actually go to? This most likely end up as insurance fees (just in case a patient sues - more on this next time) but this would only be logical if the student is in his/her clinical phase. If a student is only cooped up at home with their books, attending uni for a few hours a day, with zilch interaction with real patients, what actually happens to all these money? Sure, there is the occasional library update and renovations for a more comfortable (both physically and to the eyes) space, but there is only so much that can be bought. Would it really be a surprise for a sizeable amount of money to end up in someone's pocket?
A few years back, there was already an awareness about the exponentially increasing number of medical trainees. A famous (or infamous) politician who was a medical doctor himself once put it this way, 'if you throw a rock out a window, you would not hit a doctor but five' (well, something along that line). Generally, developing (and even developed) countries have always had a shortage of medical professionals. Doctor:patient ratios in town areas usually are comparable to what WHO deem as ideal whereas the situation is not that optimistic rural-ly (note that we are using ratios instead of actual numbers - there would be more doctors in urban areas as the number of patient intake is much higher). Logically speaking, who would want to venture out into uncertainty; where help would be harder to access should he/she encounter difficulty, fewer colleague support to fall back on, and technology enough to just survive. Not forgetting, these doctors are more likely than not, pure urban, having been raised in the luxury of hygiene and comfort. It was probably the honest intention of wanting to improve the ratios in rural areas that have lead to the encouragement/approval by the government/medical council in any steps that would lead to more medically trained students, especially considering the brain drain problem that has been plaguing the country. But really, who would blame the soundminded people who have tasted (ie in Western countries) the sweetness of real democracy (at least relatively to back home), the culture of celebrating and sharing knowledge, the more humane working conditions; and all these on top of the better remuneration. Flooding the market with doctors in such a short period of time with hopes of keeping up with the rate of this drainage may soon backfire. We are currently just starting to feel the burden of congesting the wards with students and junior doctors.
Junior doctors/housemen/interns are on paper, doctors, but not quite there yet. With the year of housemanship (proposals/decisions to increase this to 2 since it was deemed 1 year was not enough - and this goes back to the main point of this post), these juniors are further trained; with them adjusting to their new-found responsibility, easing up to their capabilities, as well as identifying and fixing their own weaknesses. Each junior would be assigned to look after a ward, thus optimizing the variability of disorders/illnesses they encounter and teach em skills eg time management, patient/procedure-prioritising (perhaps the phrase 'working better under pressure' is appropriate here). That was how the system worked, or at least how I've always thought it was. Imagine the horror having a senior doctor expressing his concern regarding the crowding in the wards by junior doctors, how each junior is allocated to just 4(seriously?) patients each and there aren't enough senior doctors/consultants to conduct teaching thus compromising their learning. In the blog by this particular doc, terms such as 'pasar malam' were used and it just seems all too worrying. Of course, the fact that the hospital this doctor is working in is one of the main teaching hospitals is a justifiable reason, but with over 30 medical schools in the country churning out junior doctors by the factoryload and the homecoming docs (from the world over), where do these freshfaces go for training? We can't just dump them at a small hospital with no senior docs to guide them - where's the training?.
Having said all that tho, one good thing about having many doctors is the shifting system could then be tuned as such that work would now be less taxing on doctors and thus a possible reduction in complications associated with having overworked docs. And we could always roster out the junior docs who have finished their training (or towards the end) at a teaching/bigger hospital to the rural areas, and therefore (hopefully), achieving the dream to have a better doc:patient ratio.
Personally, I would agree with any arrangement that enables me to learn and get the valuable (and much needed) exposure before I put my license to kill to use. Crossing fingers that things would get sorted out and there would be an efficient organization by the time I enter the system (I won't even enter a sarcastic comment to avoid jinxing it).
(Here I did not mention: prospects of having more doctors going into specializations and meeting the high demands in the country, liability and the culture of suing, med jobs or lack thereof in other countries)
11 September 2011
Lucky
I would've mentioned towards the end of last week as being crappy and that most things just seemed to be going against me. I know I shouldn't whine because compared to a lot of people, I probably am considered to have everything. Normally when things don't go right (I don't think there's much that can go wrong - I'd like to believe I lead a very simple life. And life isn't perfect, but with a roof over my head and not having to go to bed hungry, it's pretty damn good), I'd brush em off and convince myself that
1)they happen for a reason
2)they are fated to happen to avoid things even worse
3)minor hiccups do happen in life every once in a while
4)there are lessons to be learnt for future reference and
5)it won't be long before life is good/awesome again.
It was probably things happening one after another that finally made me crack (well that and pms). I lost a lot monetarily, wasted a lot of time, went on an emotional rollercoaster, and even lost some self-esteem. The gloomy/rainy weather certainly didn't help. So I decided to cocoon myself in the room the past few days. Now after 4 or 5 movies, all the macro and microsleeps, and food, things have been starting to look up, especially considering all the other little things (sometimes being grateful helps :p).
-Managed to use the washing machine without much competition from the other residents
-Back to sunny (tho still windy) weather
-My attempts to book flights to and fro home have gone through (thus no longer being nagged by mum)
-Car works in progress (will still need to get the opinion of my garageguy to help decide on something)
-Requested a movie to be downloaded by one of the hostel residents (and he/she is downloading now. actually could've sat in the wards while it was looped continuously for a few days while I was doing paediatrics at another hospital)
-Went for job training (which actually is pretty light but the pay does not start/rise for a bit of time. a bit of regret having bought tickets back home but meh)
-I think I can still survive this month but mum said to use credit card for stuff
-Going caving soon (have booked the 'tour'/acco etc)
-Someone made a song for me
So yep. Life's good again (albeit gonna be busier) :D
Here is a catchy song I've been replaying
1)they happen for a reason
2)they are fated to happen to avoid things even worse
3)minor hiccups do happen in life every once in a while
4)there are lessons to be learnt for future reference and
5)it won't be long before life is good/awesome again.
It was probably things happening one after another that finally made me crack (well that and pms). I lost a lot monetarily, wasted a lot of time, went on an emotional rollercoaster, and even lost some self-esteem. The gloomy/rainy weather certainly didn't help. So I decided to cocoon myself in the room the past few days. Now after 4 or 5 movies, all the macro and microsleeps, and food, things have been starting to look up, especially considering all the other little things (sometimes being grateful helps :p).
-Managed to use the washing machine without much competition from the other residents
-Back to sunny (tho still windy) weather
-My attempts to book flights to and fro home have gone through (thus no longer being nagged by mum)
-Car works in progress (will still need to get the opinion of my garageguy to help decide on something)
-Requested a movie to be downloaded by one of the hostel residents (and he/she is downloading now. actually could've sat in the wards while it was looped continuously for a few days while I was doing paediatrics at another hospital)
-Went for job training (which actually is pretty light but the pay does not start/rise for a bit of time. a bit of regret having bought tickets back home but meh)
-I think I can still survive this month but mum said to use credit card for stuff
-Going caving soon (have booked the 'tour'/acco etc)
-Someone made a song for me
So yep. Life's good again (albeit gonna be busier) :D
Here is a catchy song I've been replaying
7 September 2011
culture
I've always thought the world could do without all the segregation based on culture, race, and religion. If Mother Nature had her way, everyone would be made up of a little bit of most things, with above average/unique looks and genetic disorders usually running in families kept to a minimum. There would be no countries, and nothing to kill or die for.. (cue Lennon's Imagine)
Having said that tho, the Maoris are actually pretty darn cool (refer to vid)
Having said that tho, the Maoris are actually pretty darn cool (refer to vid)
6 September 2011
5 September 2011
4 September 2011
We're on this rollercoaster ride
Here are the other 90s (+ possible outliers) that I didn't wanna add to the previous one
Link!
Link!
Awesome 90s
Finally after months, and having stumbled upon a list of 90s fav by a youtube user, I've decided to compile some nonoverlyloveydovey stuff from the 90s (but there are various outliers in too heh) with the help of friends last night. Didn't add all the MLTR, Spice Girls, Blink182 etc as I feel like they're still kinda fresh in the head (yah this list is biased but it's my list so it's ok. i've replayed some of the ones here to death over the last year or so but i can't bring myself not to add em in). A lot of these are more upbeat, have catchy choruses, and colourful/lolworthy vids. Also unintelligible rapping/reading/saying and prolly references to drugs/sex. But it's ok cause I was/we were young and blissfully ignorant back in the day :)
1.Semisonic - Closing Time
2.EMF - Unbelievable
3.Tal Bachman - She's So High
4.New Radicals - You Get What You Give
5.Blur - Song 2
6.The Wallflowers - One Headlight
7.Weezer - I Want You To
8.Scissor Sisters - Laura
9.The Cure - Friday I'm In Love (totally not 90s but meh)
10.Blur - Girls and Boys
11.Supergrass - Alright
12.The Androids - Do It With Madonna
13.No Mercy - Where Do You Go
14.Third Eye Blind - Jumper
15.Cornershop - Brimful of Asha
16.OMC - How Bizarre
17.Third Eye Blind - Semi Charmed Life
18.Fastball - The Way
19.Lit - My Own Worst Enemy
20.Barenaked Ladies - Pinch Me
21.Bloodhound Gang - The Bad Touch
22.Matchbox Twenty - Mad Season
23.Matchbox Twenty - Push (might as well)
24.The Cardigans - Lovefool
25.No Doubt - Sunday Morning
26.Real McCoy - Another Night
27.Lit - Looks Like They Were Right (i like the changing clothes part)
28.Smashmouth - Why Can't We Be Friends
29.Chumbawamba - Tubthumping
30.Spin Doctors - Two Princes
31.Madison Avenue - Don't Call Me Baby
32.Jennifer Paige - Crush
33.Jimmy Eat World - The Middle
34.Sixpence None The Richer - There She Goes
35.Sixpence None The Richer - Kiss Me (how can i not add this)
36.The Cardigans - My Favourite Game (this + Aerosmith's Crazy vid are some of my all-time fav)
37.The Cardigans - Erase and Rewind
38.Eiffel - Blue
39.
So so what happened to all of the other stuff eg how can I not add No Doubt's other stuff, this other band and that other band? And might as well add in more of the non90s stuff since I've got quite a few up there.. Well actually I don't really know which is when baha! (read: too lazy to lookup) But the list is still under construction/renovation so ;) (well actually it depends on my laziness level)
1 September 2011
29 August 2011
sometimes being silent is the only way to speak the truth
today's advice which i found interesting:
Sometimes words simply cannot capture the subtle nuances of your feelings.
In such times, avoid being verbally misunderstood, by letting the silence speak
through your eyes, your breathing, your posture.
27 August 2011
Seriously?
You do realise I don't actually need you, right? All I tried to do was be your friend and you hafta go all bitchy about it. Sayonara asshole.
23 August 2011
the world does not stop
if you've watched 'strangers again' by wongfu productions on youtube, you can recall these lines they had:
the sense of contentment you had just wasting time with people you adored. those stupid things you did with people you liked. that feeling of safety-ness being in the company of people you trusted. who also happened to be the poor souls who had to sit through you gushing about the person everyone seemed to know you can't have. the situations in which you wished real hard time had stopped. how ever did they end up being a mere 'once upon a time ago'?
you could've put in more effort. how bout making the first moves. reciprocate and encourage others' initiations. maybe stop and actually listen. only after you've done what you could, can you be sure the future you will be less likely to regret and accept that people drift away. probably then, a post like this won't exist.
our lives will continue on in different directions
becoming strangers again
and everything we shared will just become fragmented memories
from so long ago we'll question if it even really happened
setting aside the dating plot attached to it, you will most probably find yourself having been/being in a similar situation. be it the group of friends you sat with at recess throughout highschool, the rendezvous you had in college, or those persons you used to call your best buddies. would you have expected to no longer hear from the people who meant so much to you at some point of your life?
the sense of contentment you had just wasting time with people you adored. those stupid things you did with people you liked. that feeling of safety-ness being in the company of people you trusted. who also happened to be the poor souls who had to sit through you gushing about the person everyone seemed to know you can't have. the situations in which you wished real hard time had stopped. how ever did they end up being a mere 'once upon a time ago'?
you could've put in more effort. how bout making the first moves. reciprocate and encourage others' initiations. maybe stop and actually listen. only after you've done what you could, can you be sure the future you will be less likely to regret and accept that people drift away. probably then, a post like this won't exist.
21 August 2011
19 August 2011
indecisions
when it comes to decisions, being able to match them up with your principles makes making them so much easier. something you're confident in will always be a yes in your books and a thing against your values will always be a no. here being stubborn helps to avoid all those hair-pulling indecisive moments.
then one day you wake up and realise you've been such a pussy. what ever happened to those things that used to be so clear cut? in addition to yes and no you now have maybe, possibly, could be, probably not, let me sit on it.. you're actually stopping and having to think! what is that at the back of your mind? that feeling in your stomach? that fear creeping inside of you. you're scared you'll muck up your plans. you're afraid of failures. you're afraid of guilt. then there's the external factor. like carefully balancing on a fine thread up on air, you want to please everyone. why?
then one day you wake up and realise you've been such a pussy. what ever happened to those things that used to be so clear cut? in addition to yes and no you now have maybe, possibly, could be, probably not, let me sit on it.. you're actually stopping and having to think! what is that at the back of your mind? that feeling in your stomach? that fear creeping inside of you. you're scared you'll muck up your plans. you're afraid of failures. you're afraid of guilt. then there's the external factor. like carefully balancing on a fine thread up on air, you want to please everyone. why?
will one day, that fear eat you inside out?
18 August 2011
why cant i stop
I saw her today
I saw her face
It was a face I love
And I knew
I had to run away
And get down on my knees and pray
That they'd go away
But still it begin
Needles and pins
Because of all my pride
The tears I gotta hide
Needles and pins
Needles and pins
17 August 2011
16 August 2011
was such a good day
but was also a nonnicepeople day. not really keen on having some people in my life atm. makes me feel like adding em on fb then delete them. and gloat in an imaginary cloud of satisfaction believing i made a strong enough statement.
14 August 2011
Where did all the innocence go?
It used to be so simple
Gluttony
Greed
Lust
Pride
Is there no one who cares anymore?
 |
| Nobbys beach |
11 August 2011
10 August 2011
cute boys
memories.. ever since hidell i've had this crush on one of the boys (bass player). come to think of it tho, he's part of the triplet bros so why him? i really duno lolss
9 August 2011
im only human
what you are - broken. and i completely understand your need to break somebody else. but i can't be that person. i wish i could. but there's just so much that i could do.
Friends?
You try your best to be as understanding as you can and make sure the other person knows that you are there when he/she needs someone. But for some reason they keep trying to hurt you and push you away.
I've been trying to hold on but enough is enough. For now:
I've been trying to hold on but enough is enough. For now:
If you don't want me in your life, just say it and I'll be as if you never existed. Too easy.
7 August 2011
a paradox of sorts
i say..i wanna save money and watch my budget. but i splurge on shopping.
i say..i wanna be fit. but i lose motivation at the earliest attempt.
i say..i wanna learn new skills. but i give up at the slightest sight of dwindling interest.
i say..i wanna go out and have fun. but i decide to stay home instead.
i say..i wanna try out. but i turn back and hurt you instead.
i say..you no longer mean anything to me. but i still acknowledge you.
i say..i dislike lies. but i play along with yours.
i say..i don't have the same feelings. but i let you keep hoping.
i say..i wanna go away. but i can't seem to leave.
i say..keep in touch. but i can't give people enough attention.
i say..i should study harder. but i procrastinate till i couldn't anymore.
i say..i'm not a feminist. but my opinions get too strong.
i say..i can do it myself. but your help delights me.
i say..i don't need anyone. but i feel incomplete.
i say..i should wait. but i get impatient.
i say..i should forget. but my mind keeps pulling me back.
i say..i wanna be fit. but i lose motivation at the earliest attempt.
i say..i wanna learn new skills. but i give up at the slightest sight of dwindling interest.
i say..i wanna go out and have fun. but i decide to stay home instead.
i say..i wanna try out. but i turn back and hurt you instead.
i say..you no longer mean anything to me. but i still acknowledge you.
i say..i dislike lies. but i play along with yours.
i say..i don't have the same feelings. but i let you keep hoping.
i say..i wanna go away. but i can't seem to leave.
i say..keep in touch. but i can't give people enough attention.
i say..i should study harder. but i procrastinate till i couldn't anymore.
i say..i'm not a feminist. but my opinions get too strong.
i say..i can do it myself. but your help delights me.
i say..i don't need anyone. but i feel incomplete.
i say..i should wait. but i get impatient.
i say..i should forget. but my mind keeps pulling me back.
can a woman who looks so strong beg for her heart?
6 August 2011
2 August 2011
A thought
What makes anyone think they're any more special than others?
In the end we're all gonna die and go to the same hell anyways.
31 July 2011
It's hard to be indifferent
When someone is so nervous you can see it and start feeling sorry for em.
You try to loosen the situation but you just can't seem to get past it.
After a while you feel nervous yourself.
Then you say start saying things. Everything and also nothing. Anything.
And you realise at some point you're just laughing to yourself.
You try to loosen the situation but you just can't seem to get past it.
After a while you feel nervous yourself.
Then you say start saying things. Everything and also nothing. Anything.
And you realise at some point you're just laughing to yourself.
Amusing.
Sun(ny)day
It's Lazy Sunday! What better way to celebrate than by indulging in feel good foods and just bumming around.
11 foods to boost your mood - NetDoctor.co.uk - The UK's leading independent health website
11 foods to boost your mood - NetDoctor.co.uk - The UK's leading independent health website
(Surprisingly quite a number of em have been my favs. About 9 lol)
Ahhh the beach..
30 July 2011
Power & politics
-insert rant-
-insert rant-
-insert rant-
sometimes you wonder what goes through the minds of politicians.
-insert rant-
-insert rant-
-insert rant-
-insert rant-
-insert rant-
sometimes you wonder what goes through the minds of politicians.
-insert rant-
-insert rant-
-insert rant-
28 July 2011
Some people are settling down, some are just settling whereas some..
refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies
 |
| Nobbys |
26 July 2011
Rugged Italian surgeon who wears tight pants
Today a surgical staff caught me trying to snap a pic of this hot middle aged (ok probably a little older) surgeon. After the awkward 5s of staring, the stunned staff proceeded to walk away. Definitely think he'll mention it to ze hot surgeon. When I turned back, ze hot surgeon had actually stopped in his track looking seemingly confused as to why us two were staring idiotically at each other. Lol moment quota for the day filled.<- failed pic of ze hot surgeon.
25 July 2011
Food for thought
Normally this is followed by a trigger topic but since this is not the ideal world and I'm lazy, there is none. ...Or is there?.....
24 July 2011
9 July 2011
To love or not to love?
If I were to be faced with this question a few years ago, I would have immediately roared and shot it down. Poledslicedchoppedmurderised.. Its very existence wouldn't even be acknowledged. I held the word love in such high regard that to see it being used so bluntly and carelessly would be deemed disrespectful. A distaste. Love was to me, a glance of heaven. Something that is almost unreachable and only a handful would experience. True love is not cultivated. It just exists. Like a mother towards her babies (though mothers do have to go through hell and back to get the cubs). The only other word I placed on such a pedestal is soulmate.
Today though, I realised that love can indeed grow. Of course it won't be like the fatedlovelove. But it still is love. It's the next best thing ;) And one thing about it is that you can actually choose to nurture it further or let it drift away. Just like happiness being a choice.
But will it be enough? Will it feel incomplete? Will there be a lingering voidness that you'll keep pushing to the back of your mind? When do you stop waiting for your soulmate?
6 July 2011
Going back in time
Reading through some posts on here, I realised the past few weeks/months have been sucking a lot of life out of me. The music/noise on my playlist and the lists of things I wanted (and still do..I think..) to do reminded me how happy I was (relatively to now) not too long ago. I don't think I'm currently unhappy though. But something is different.
Today's the 3rd day of a fortnight of orientation before the new rotation officially starts. At this moment, I just wanna get it over and done with. Which is bad cause I know I should be more enthusiastic.
I miss summer :(
:(
Today's the 3rd day of a fortnight of orientation before the new rotation officially starts. At this moment, I just wanna get it over and done with. Which is bad cause I know I should be more enthusiastic.
I miss summer :(
:(
1 May 2011
15 April 2011
Cancer
Only minutes ago after being reminded by Glo did I realise I have a blog lol..This post may be too long though (giving a warning hehe)
What has been happening..
This year I officially became a 4th year and have started to be in the hospital fulltime. Time went by so fast I am now currently already in my 2nd rotation - surgery (towards the end too). As of this moment, I have gotten to see a wide variety of patients and their illnesses. The ones who tend to linger in my mind though, would probably have to be Ca patients.
One patient who, apart from the frank yellow discolouration of his whole body (which would probably stun people who enters a room to be greeted by him), looked really well that it was hard to believe that he was already approaching his end by the turn of events that brought him to the outpatient clinic. That fateful day I got to watch how a very experienced doctor (surgeon) tells the elderly patient and his son, to put it basically, that he was to die soon. It was pretty obvious that the doctor has gone through hundreds of these, as he managed to normalise the whole dying situation with such calmness and grace. There was even humour scattered around with a middle aged man (son) weeping in the background. There came a point when it seemed like the there was some haggling going on;
Doctor: Blabla..you're allowed to die =D blabla we all will at some point =D blabla
Patient: My son is going to _ for a vacation. He will be coming back in 6 months..will I..?
Doctor: (Instead of gloomy expressions like in TV dramas, picture smiley lips and smiley eyes) No. Not that long *continues to say some things that I don't think would have registered into the patient judging by the distant look in his eyes*
Patient: How bout my other son who's at _ now..he's coming back in 6 weeks..
Doctor: Oh, before that! (for some reason it sounded so chirpy it seemed like we were talking about the flu)
These might lead us to think about how inappropriate the doctor was but quite frankly, I would not do it any other way. It was straight to the point, no dramas, and yes, the patient *is* allowed to die lol.
The patient took it really well (I realised many Ca patients are actually pretty tough) but could not say the same for the son.
Another thing I realised was how soft I still was. I've seen patients being given bad news, dying patients, pitiful patients, patients in tormenting pain, patient dying right in front of my eyes..and still, I could feel tears building up. Probably because I found it difficult to accept a grown man (the son in this case) in such emotional agony. Growing up in an era which still (albeit decreasingly with the rise of feminism) holds the man to be the pillar of strength and 'gagahness', it just stroke some chords in my heart to watch how fragile and broken a man can be. Still in an era where men must tuck their emotions well away from anyone to see, I thought of how powerful love can be, to the point of forcing out a man's vulnerability.
That was one patient.
Yesterday I met one patient who looked pretty fit but also a yellowed overall discolouration. At the beginning of the interview (honestly from afar before I even started =p ), I felt intimidated by him - he looked fierce with a big beard and the sharpness in his eyes (really lol). As we progressed through his history, I gradually felt the weight he has to bear and I felt sorry for him. Not so much raising two young girls on his own but the worry he has for them if anything were to happen to him . Again, a story of love. As at the time of my typing, he is recovering from an invasive type of scanning and still awaiting the results. I pray that his cancer is curable or one with good prognosis or at least gives him a little more time, even if only to prepare the girls.
(btw, he did not feel too unwell [some cancers can be so occult but i'd like to think of it as a typical male shrugging off any signs of weakness ;)] prior to presentation at the hospital but was nagged by his daughters as he just did not look right).
Another patient was one who had a cancer removed from his oesophagus but readmitted due to a symptom which may be 1)the effect of the removal(most likely) 2)incomplete removal 3)recurrence. This cancer is one that has a poor prognosis even with surgery i.e. low 5 year survival rate.
The main benefit of sitting down and taking a patient's full history is that most of the time it gives clues to a patient's illness. In effect, it is the main weapon used to tackle a problem. And like a real weapon, it can also hurt us back (not being cheesy).
Intermittently during our conversation the patient would tell me 'it's ok'. Gradually I began to suspect that this could actually be how he is coping with the whole Ca setback. And as we talked more, little things like how he loves cooking, how he prepares meals for his sons as he wants them to eat good food, how he cooks for his wife, how he cooks for his visitors but him eating his little soup afterwards, how he so longed for pieces of meat and made tiny sandwiches and gulped lots of water with em but ended up spewing and kept trying by covering em with lots of mayonnaise (lol oops too many random details =p), how health problems have been bringing the family closer together (ok I shall stop now)..And then we kept talking.
I wish that with whatever path that has been set for him, that this good man be blessed.
There are other stories that I think will get stuck with me for a long time. Probably too much of a bore to write them on here =p. Honestly, a lot of times I caught myself not thinking much about how patients actually have lives and are apparently, real humans! Though when I do, and get to know more details, depending on circumstances, gives a good wholesome feeling but also can be quite saddening. I can see how easy it is to fall into that valley of indifference..in a way it gives an escape from the building up of burdening emotions..Hopefully, I'll be able to get a balance..
Anyways, next post will most definitely be a whining one. Cause I'm a whiny whiny person bahaha. See yas xx
What has been happening..
This year I officially became a 4th year and have started to be in the hospital fulltime. Time went by so fast I am now currently already in my 2nd rotation - surgery (towards the end too). As of this moment, I have gotten to see a wide variety of patients and their illnesses. The ones who tend to linger in my mind though, would probably have to be Ca patients.
One patient who, apart from the frank yellow discolouration of his whole body (which would probably stun people who enters a room to be greeted by him), looked really well that it was hard to believe that he was already approaching his end by the turn of events that brought him to the outpatient clinic. That fateful day I got to watch how a very experienced doctor (surgeon) tells the elderly patient and his son, to put it basically, that he was to die soon. It was pretty obvious that the doctor has gone through hundreds of these, as he managed to normalise the whole dying situation with such calmness and grace. There was even humour scattered around with a middle aged man (son) weeping in the background. There came a point when it seemed like the there was some haggling going on;
Doctor: Blabla..you're allowed to die =D blabla we all will at some point =D blabla
Patient: My son is going to _ for a vacation. He will be coming back in 6 months..will I..?
Doctor: (Instead of gloomy expressions like in TV dramas, picture smiley lips and smiley eyes) No. Not that long *continues to say some things that I don't think would have registered into the patient judging by the distant look in his eyes*
Patient: How bout my other son who's at _ now..he's coming back in 6 weeks..
Doctor: Oh, before that! (for some reason it sounded so chirpy it seemed like we were talking about the flu)
These might lead us to think about how inappropriate the doctor was but quite frankly, I would not do it any other way. It was straight to the point, no dramas, and yes, the patient *is* allowed to die lol.
The patient took it really well (I realised many Ca patients are actually pretty tough) but could not say the same for the son.
Another thing I realised was how soft I still was. I've seen patients being given bad news, dying patients, pitiful patients, patients in tormenting pain, patient dying right in front of my eyes..and still, I could feel tears building up. Probably because I found it difficult to accept a grown man (the son in this case) in such emotional agony. Growing up in an era which still (albeit decreasingly with the rise of feminism) holds the man to be the pillar of strength and 'gagahness', it just stroke some chords in my heart to watch how fragile and broken a man can be. Still in an era where men must tuck their emotions well away from anyone to see, I thought of how powerful love can be, to the point of forcing out a man's vulnerability.
That was one patient.
Yesterday I met one patient who looked pretty fit but also a yellowed overall discolouration. At the beginning of the interview (honestly from afar before I even started =p ), I felt intimidated by him - he looked fierce with a big beard and the sharpness in his eyes (really lol). As we progressed through his history, I gradually felt the weight he has to bear and I felt sorry for him. Not so much raising two young girls on his own but the worry he has for them if anything were to happen to him . Again, a story of love. As at the time of my typing, he is recovering from an invasive type of scanning and still awaiting the results. I pray that his cancer is curable or one with good prognosis or at least gives him a little more time, even if only to prepare the girls.
(btw, he did not feel too unwell [some cancers can be so occult but i'd like to think of it as a typical male shrugging off any signs of weakness ;)] prior to presentation at the hospital but was nagged by his daughters as he just did not look right).
Another patient was one who had a cancer removed from his oesophagus but readmitted due to a symptom which may be 1)the effect of the removal(most likely) 2)incomplete removal 3)recurrence. This cancer is one that has a poor prognosis even with surgery i.e. low 5 year survival rate.
The main benefit of sitting down and taking a patient's full history is that most of the time it gives clues to a patient's illness. In effect, it is the main weapon used to tackle a problem. And like a real weapon, it can also hurt us back (not being cheesy).
Intermittently during our conversation the patient would tell me 'it's ok'. Gradually I began to suspect that this could actually be how he is coping with the whole Ca setback. And as we talked more, little things like how he loves cooking, how he prepares meals for his sons as he wants them to eat good food, how he cooks for his wife, how he cooks for his visitors but him eating his little soup afterwards, how he so longed for pieces of meat and made tiny sandwiches and gulped lots of water with em but ended up spewing and kept trying by covering em with lots of mayonnaise (lol oops too many random details =p), how health problems have been bringing the family closer together (ok I shall stop now)..And then we kept talking.
I wish that with whatever path that has been set for him, that this good man be blessed.
There are other stories that I think will get stuck with me for a long time. Probably too much of a bore to write them on here =p. Honestly, a lot of times I caught myself not thinking much about how patients actually have lives and are apparently, real humans! Though when I do, and get to know more details, depending on circumstances, gives a good wholesome feeling but also can be quite saddening. I can see how easy it is to fall into that valley of indifference..in a way it gives an escape from the building up of burdening emotions..Hopefully, I'll be able to get a balance..
Anyways, next post will most definitely be a whining one. Cause I'm a whiny whiny person bahaha. See yas xx
12 March 2011
15 January 2011
Wasting time away
It has been a week since I've stopped working altogether and one word: boooringggg. Been so freaking bored I actually finished watching a season of Glee and one + half season of Sex & the City (got em in my harddisk if anyone wants em). Been to Sydney and was actually bored there too. Spent shitloads of money on random fooooods. What do people do in Sydney anyways? And from that time till now I've been feeding myself and just bumming around..I feel fat already.
Another day was spent going to outskirts of Sydney to follow Vincent get his car (congrats) and sent my car to get the aircond repaired - at least those filled my time. Gahh what am I supposed to do next week...especially after tomorrow when I won't have internet connection in this house anymore.....
1.Study - prolly not gonna happen
2.Haircut
3.Pack - really ain't much to pack but mum kept insisting on getting boxes
4.Eat out - since I still have the time and people have started to come back here
5.Buy formal office wear for clinicals
I really should start to be more appreciative of what valuable free time I have left. But I'm too much of a procrastinator to do even that...and for some reason I feel like drinking. geez
Edit:
Came up with some things I should do when I have lotsa time:
1.Read House of God
2.Watch Scrubs
3.Read Art of War
4.Backpacking in Europe
5.Rent a ferrari
6.Skydive
7.Fishing lol
8.Buy a shiny imported car with leather-trimmed-seats
9.Ride a motorbike
Ok these probably fit in with the things to do before i die post..you can actually see how it progressed from possible to 'no way that'll ever happen' lol
Another day was spent going to outskirts of Sydney to follow Vincent get his car (congrats) and sent my car to get the aircond repaired - at least those filled my time. Gahh what am I supposed to do next week...especially after tomorrow when I won't have internet connection in this house anymore.....
1.Study - prolly not gonna happen
2.Haircut
3.Pack - really ain't much to pack but mum kept insisting on getting boxes
4.Eat out - since I still have the time and people have started to come back here
5.Buy formal office wear for clinicals
I really should start to be more appreciative of what valuable free time I have left. But I'm too much of a procrastinator to do even that...and for some reason I feel like drinking. geez
Edit:
Came up with some things I should do when I have lotsa time:
1.Read House of God
2.Watch Scrubs
3.Read Art of War
4.Backpacking in Europe
5.Rent a ferrari
6.Skydive
7.Fishing lol
8.Buy a shiny imported car with leather-trimmed-seats
9.Ride a motorbike
Ok these probably fit in with the things to do before i die post..you can actually see how it progressed from possible to 'no way that'll ever happen' lol
8 January 2011
xoxoxoxo
school's starting sooooon. not sure if i'm happy or scared...my goal for the next 2 weeks: read oxford handbooks and davidson's. and talley's. lollll. am psyched bout moving into a new place tho. finally i can get out of this hole.
for some reason these days I feel like looking for another waitressing job..it'll be good for my pocket and to break the monotony of hospital life. hmm..gotta resist the temptation..mmg workaholic hohoho
for some reason these days I feel like looking for another waitressing job..it'll be good for my pocket and to break the monotony of hospital life. hmm..gotta resist the temptation..mmg workaholic hohoho
2 January 2011
New Years
I worked every day post-Christmas. Even on New Years. Crazy stuff. This week was a roller coaster. Pretty pathetic that my life revolves around my jobs now lol. Anyways, on New Years: I didn't work at the restaurant (bosses probably mad but can't say anything about it - too lazy to elaborate), worked at the 'beach' thingy more than 12 hours, watched both fireworks at 9pm (through the little windows of the ticket box) and midnight - didn't know the fireworks would be so close to our place - like on the hill across the road lol, had a little scare about the 'beach' bosses when a book of tickets got stolen (thought we were gonna hafta pay for it - didn't think our wage from the start of the job was even enough to cover lol), hugged the dutch girl who was working together with me in the ticket box after we found out we did not have to pay (and 3 kisses too - apparently it's some tradition/culture thingy), hugged another dutch girl (pretty odd one) and her western oz bf (who i didnt even know at the time lol), kisses with a funny german boy too (but only a handshake with the other german boy that i really like - too bad he's so freaking young), and had a nice chat with a cute french guy few hours later (yea so hardworking right...keep working and working and working..). o and got to know a bunch of pretty awesome jewish israeli boys (they've gone through some really amazing things). and2 i fought with this lazy iraqi/iran guy who worked at the same pool with me yesterday.
and2 today on the 2nd i actually went to the restaurant at night after 'beach' work (actually slipped my mind that i was to work and came one hour later hehe) even after all the dramas and told them i was not gonna work there anymore. hohoho. lotsa2 stories.
conclusion isss. i'm tired =) Happy New Yearrrrrrr. I have a feeling it's gonna be awesome this year.
and2 today on the 2nd i actually went to the restaurant at night after 'beach' work (actually slipped my mind that i was to work and came one hour later hehe) even after all the dramas and told them i was not gonna work there anymore. hohoho. lotsa2 stories.
conclusion isss. i'm tired =) Happy New Yearrrrrrr. I have a feeling it's gonna be awesome this year.
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