Responsibilities

When you were a kid, you wished to fast forward and live the freedom of an adult. When you've actually reached that stage you're disappointed by how much responsibility you've accummulated over the years. And you know that without them, you're nothing. No jobs, no family, no friends. It doesn't help that each of them bring a package.

You wish it all to end and just walk away. But you're no longer that kid

To my kids; Lessons of love

To my future kids, these are stories which I never would be strong enough to tell you but want you to know as these will help you understand why I act the way I do and say the things I say. I can never teach you what's right and what's wrong just by telling you as it is something we learn from the environment; from the culture we experience, people we meet and what we tend to pick up as we go on in life. But I hope that these will aid you in your journey and help guide you, hopefully as early in your life as it possibly can before things go too far, and relationships and people's lives get shattered.

This is a letter addressed to my love at the time;

"15th December 2012

To: My Dearest

As I sit here trying to swallow the exam notes from last semester for a job interview soon, I can't stop myself from thinking all the things you told me about your past. When you first told me it wasn't easy, and it didn't get much easier even after a year today. I know it is unfair on you for me to keep bringing it up, but it plays in my head  over and over like a scratched cd, eating up through my conscience that I feel like I need to talk to a therapist. I broke my promise to not tell on you by talking to a few of my friends, but I let you know that I did. I know it must have been hard for you to tell me, but for some reason I feel that you deserve all the humiliation.

It broke my heart to find out that you think having an affair with your uncle's wife was not wrong because she was his wife. You act and talk as if he deserves this, talking about all his unfaithfulness (he btw did not fuck any females other than his wife) and his reckless expenditure (if you haven't noticed, he buys things not only for himself, but for his family). You said that she was a sad lonely person who wasn't treated well by her husband. But she wasn't even abused. You said that he should have been more caring, more loving, just as you would do for the love of your life. Guess what, in the end, you still bring me unhappiness. Perhaps I'm not the love of your life? Did you seriously think that by betraying your flesh and blood and then tell me to live the lie you're living in will make me happy? Bet you never thought of that while you were fucking her.

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Probably you were too young (you were only 17) and like other boys at that age, think that fucking a woman decades older than you is a badge of honour (I'm not sure if family members or wife of family members count). Maybe she made you feel like you were special. Now I can't even type that without smirking. Did you seriously think that because she decided to tell you all about her oh-so-pathetic deepest-darkest-secretive lack-of-a-love-life (even tho she agreed to marry him herself. she probably married him for knowing she will be able to go overseas, like many other girls' dream so she technically brought this upon herself), that you are then her bestest goodest friend, that you were soulmates, that you are now permitted to be girlfriend and boyfriend, and that you two can go fuck in the house while her husband gets money to put food on the table for you both? (You said your mum sent money over but guess what, he didn't even use it or at least, he returned it in full anyways, so who owes who now, bitch?). What's sicker is that he works just a few metres away, in the small house in the backyard. I seriously hope that he had actually fucked some of his acupuncture patients.

I hate you for trying to even justify what you did. You said that she was still good looking for her age. What the hell. You're justifying your actions with 'she still looks good for her age'. What the hell. People do compliment their relatives but apparently you took it to a whole new level. I'm SO sorry that I have to say this but, if that is your standard, then I guess I'm not very pretty. From a female, as usually females know better about looks as we are untainted by our affection and feelings towards other females (because we don't have any), point of view, she was and IS just average at best, and I guess I should be offended that I fall under your superlow standards. And I also guess, that's what you get for not being taught to refer to her as AUNT but older sister. So perhaps, your family is actually at fault too. It makes me wonder what you thought of her for the 5 years you've stayed with her (and together with your grandparents, how incredibly awkward) before you officially become fuck buddies. Perhaps she was sooooooo fucking hot when you peeked under the bathroom door and watched her shower. Maybe all she eats is cucumber and thus have a waist like the broomstick and that's your idea of hot (That's also probably why you kept saying I'm fat). And now that I think about it, maybe at some point in those blurry years, you were fucking her while your grandparents were at home. I will be SO glad if they tell me they knew about it and just let you both go on because uncle doesn't love her and care and that she can now just be your sex slave, might as well put her into good use since they're feeding her.

Your stories of how you both started were also so bizarre. Apparently you 'kissed her' when you were sick. Maybe you felt soooooooo touched that she came to bring you head towels, give you medications, maybe she FED you. Oh come on. My mum and dad do that all the time. Doesn't mean that I should fall in love and go fuck them. Apparently she massaged you and you probably felt sooooo good, with her every touch vibrates through your whole body and her hair sparkling under the sun shining through your room window made you think she was such a sweet faced angel. Wow, such a magic touch. I should totally learn these from her so I can go find some young boys to come fuck me when I'm old and desperate. And make sure the sun shines on me too. Apparently her boobies touched your body first. Then her pussy pressed against you. And you went crazy. WHY THE FUCK WAS SHE TOUCHING YOU?? I know she was a physiotherapist and your uncle was an acupuncturist and you probably after alllllll your sports felt soooooo achy you were sooooo desperate to have a massage (these will probably be the reasons you'll tell me to justify yourself) DID YOUR UNCLE ACTUALLY WANT YOU BOTH TO FUCK?? So perhaps, he's also the reason here.

You mentioned starting at the toilet yadayada. Mostly on your bed yadayada. Perhaps it was also on the sofa, his bed, your grandparents' bed, the floor, the bathroom floor. Gosh. Those must've been really good sex. Which I doubt. Because females don't orgasm that much. She was so cunning she had you fooled into thinking you both were having the best sex of your lives. The most upsetting thing is that this continued on till hmmm about 4 years? While your uncle went on to re-learn and re-train as an intern, you both continued to fuck like bunnies. Especially that time when he was away on a conference. Poor Cousin. She gets sent to school and without her knowing, disgusting things happen  in the house she grows up in. She would probably vomit to find out all these things. I was relieved to count her age and convince myself that she is not your own child. How sick and twisted would that have been.

Anyways, I'm not sure how much torture Uncle must have been having to know these have been happening. He would've been wondering why there were condoms in the place where your aunt thought would be hidden well and why you both were always so awkward around him and why she was all over you bringing you tea while you study and being so nice that you melted a bit and made you feel like you can move to a cave together and throw your mum dad grandparents away and work in macdonalds for her zzzzzzzzzzzzzz You know what, he might even have spent on all those things you and your aunt were gossiping and shaking your heads together about because you both have been spending soooo much time together that he just felt like he wants to fit in. Or because he knew what's happening and those were his ways of reassuring himself. I don't know how he holds back his tears because uncle is not a dumb guy. You both think he is, but he's not. Every bit of his heart probably already died that he now has no emotions at all for these things that happened. And there you are, still on your stupid aunt's side. Technically she should take most of the blame because she's SUPPOSED to be the adult here and prevent these things from happening, and that you were technically raped. But you and I both know you played your part too. Every time you grope her while she's in   the kitchen and play with her pussy till it gets dripping wet because you can't control yourself. You never actively try to suppress yourself by thinking of all the heart aches and family feuds and how your dad might cut your cock out.

Every time I cried this year wasn't because you did all these. But because deep in my heart, as hard as I try not to believe, I knew that you didn't regret it. Even though you said and will say you did, but your words telling me that your uncle deserves it and the look in your face just breaks my heart into pieces. Because if you really did regret it, you would've not only stopped it earlier, you would've been treating your uncle better, you wouldn't be living in a lie, you wouldn't drag me into your lies, and you would be a broken person. But you didn't, you did, and you aren't.

I actually do really like you. You must be wondering how can I say all these hurtful things to you. Only because I really like you and I'm scared for what will happen to you. I can't build a life with you knowing that your future which will be my future, and your family which will be my family, and your kids which will be my kids, will be in jeopardy because of the mental illness that will inflict your uncle, dad, mum, grandparents (your aunt must already be insane so she's not mentioned).

I made myself (and to friends) a promise - that I will stop this if I can't take it anymore. We will separate and I will disappear from you just as I would have all memories of you disappear from my mind.

So if we are still together when I read this next time, kudos. I salute you and I, for doing what I think now to be just plain impossible.


Sincerely,
Yours.


P/S I admit that I am now broken; mentally, emotionally, religiously and in my own principles. Because Christianity teaches to love and forgive (and not curse) and I can't. Marriage is a something so sacred to me that for me to think of being married to you scares me because it clearly means nothing to you."

a new year

but it seems like it has already been so long.
so exhausted.
tho it doesn't look like i'm the only one feeling this way..

have you ever felt like

you've done everything you can and tried your best to avoid certain things from happening but you end up falling into that trap anyways.

Something i haven't said for a long time

Hail Holy Queen

Hail Holy Queen, mother of mercy

Hail our life, our sweetness, and our hope

To you do we cry, poor banished children of Eve

To you do we send up our sighs,

Mourning and weeping in this valley of tears

Turn then O most gracious advocate,

Your eyes of mercy toward us,

And after this our exile,

Show unto us the blessed fruit of your womb, Jesus

O clement

O loving

O sweet Virgin Mary

Have I lost touch?

Never judge a book by its cover

It's true what they say.

Anyways. nothing to do but to look at the bright side of things.

help me understand

every step back i take i fall two steps more

imagine at night on the pier

slow dancing to this

lyrics could do better tho.

after all's been said and done

i'm going to give one chance. but i'm not telling.

Canberra

humans are social animals

Everyone is different. The way people walk and talk. What they do and don’t. It’s hard not to judge when, the decision we feel is so unbelievably obvious is not the one made by the other person. When everyone has gone through different experiences and grew up different lives, why do we still think our values and morals are any better than others? The next time we doubt others, perhaps we should question ourselves, could there be a reason behind it all?

Nothing is lonelier than holding so hard on to your friends only to find them forsake you.

who do you think you are

i learnt to live half alive why cant you

tak semua yang kita rancang kan berlaku

and if you don't mind

can you tell me all your hopes and fears and everything that you believe in

my back hurts, my head aches

just so tired these days. wonder why

it's a sweet life

fleshandblood

my ears burnt as i watched her moan and cry in pain. wanting to reach out, all i could do was stand stoic, pretending what i was seeing a normal everyday occurrence. not that we weren't trained to do so. acting like i wasn't bothered by the screams and cries of agony shouldn't have been a problem. but it wasn't easy. no sudden moves. just mimicking the energy of the young midwife in charge.

the lady begs to be relieved out her misery. "drugs..you promised me drugs". i felt guilty. guilty i couldn't do anything to ease her pain. guilty on behalf of the medical personnel who rooted the idea of medicine use in a woman with a history of quick labours/deliveries. guilty for the woman not having received a clearer explanation of the indications of meds much earlier. guilty i couldn't tell her morphine may not live up as the magic cure she was hoping for. i was ashamed just as i was, guilty.

as things went on further, the midwife kept asking the lady to breathe in the gas (nitrous oxide). the lady rejected it again and again. i felt like screaming at the midwife to stop telling the lady what to do. but it was like a pendulum. i wanted to scream at the lady for not wanting to give the gas even one try. her husband left in frustration.

finally the lady gave in. what can she do. 

call it protocol or being safe (mum would not have broken the drug down before the baby comes out. bad as bub's liver may not be able to so leading to probs), the midwife was right in choosing to stand firm on her ground. the midwife jotted down the events in the lady's medical notes and i wondered if the lady's social history might have played a role. but how far would you go..?

when bub came out, the mum was a lot calmer. standing at the end of her bed watching her as she looked into the midwife's eyes, there was a different feeling compared to the other women. i knew it wasn't the exhaustion or pain. was she disappointed? well i would be. was she sad? before, she mentioned en passe how everything's different with this pregnancy and was unsure about it. given the history of violence in her current marriage, i couldn't help but feel sorry for her. perhaps it was her loneliness i felt. i hope her new bub will remind her he wouldn't leave her, even if it's just because he couldn't (lol). 

though the world seems to be going against you, in the end, someone still needs you.

life stresses

you say the ball is in my hands but why did you make me feel guilty?

ah yeah

Went on a roadtrip and was introduced to this. lyrics prolly not the best out there but the whole thing has a real sexy vibe to it. sounds better in a small enclosed space with a stereo amplifying the curves of its vocals/beats.


lol.

one day

a beat up blue convertible

with red leather seats

we'll head out far away

and break down somewhere

but it won't matter

cause it'll be us waitin on the sunset

PS click on pic for bigger

best year ever

this year i realised some people i used to consider as 'close friends' - and i did try to be there (when i could. but there's only so much i could do) for em if they're down, layan-ing when they're bored, try to be on the same wavelengths, always including em in any plans/keeping em and myself uptodate - were probably never friends with me anyways. like yesterday's paper i'm no longer of use and should just be chucked out. i know i shouldn't mind and i should just move on, but seriously?

while i spent countless hours listening to you as you poured your heart out when you were at a low and digging my brain thinking of advices to give, holding my patience and suppressing my frustration at how easily you brushed them all off, convincing myself you're just in a bad mood and don't actually mean it when you kept accusing me of mocking you; i think i need to stop ignoring the fact that your picture of me is just that - useless. since now you have the bestest friends you could ever ask for, thanks for forgetting me.

and you. as we acted as if nothing happened and continued on where we left off (when it was all fine and dandy), you just have to ask if everything's alright. after you crushed my confidence and pushed me away 10thousand times, really? thanks for showing me what the best and worst feel like.

of half fulls and half emptys

Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the cup of water. I drank it. 

 The Opportunist

Yep

I'm the bad guy. again.



You laid yourself bare and we shared

Holding on to every little thing I said

You worked your way through my world

Creeping up my conscience and seeing me right through

With those kind words and a gentle voice

You started pulling me into that lonely world of yours

And I got so scared

I may have done you wrong but

You will never know you drove me to the brink of insanity

ssss

Saxophones sound so sexy. 

and the semiconscious lead singing and groovin mm

Loving the double sax on the Hamish&Andy show. Double saxiness.

Porque doktorr

Recently, much has been mentioned about the number of med graduates being produced and released back at 'ze motherland', subsequently affecting the quality of the compulsory housemanship training these fresh meat undergo before becoming a full-fledged medical officer (the actual competent and self-able doctor). Which isn't really a surprise judging by the sheer number of medical schools back home (today itself a new medical school has officially opened its doors to its first batch of med students. There are at least 2 more that have been confirmed to be on their way - and will be opening soon enough).

New private colleges/universities offering medical degrees, other privates creating their own medical courses, and batch sizes that seem to be growing each year are collectively a testament to how this once prestigious (not meaning to sound pompous but there *is* a reason why many parents have actively encouraged/pushed/forced their kids into the medical field) course has now been reduced to a mere cash cow. Dissecting further, one would discover how exorbitant the fees could be in a private medical school just to have the students learn most things on their own (which is generally the direction most modern schools are leaning towards these days) and show up to school only to be tested/questioned. You could probably argue that traditionally, medical schools have always been expensive. However, back then there were lectures whole day everyday, fresh cadavers for students to explore etc. So where do all the money paid today actually go to? This most likely end up as insurance fees (just in case a patient sues - more on this next time) but this would only be logical if the student is in his/her clinical phase. If a student is only cooped up at home with their books, attending uni for a few hours a day, with zilch interaction with real patients, what actually happens to all these money? Sure, there is the occasional library update and renovations for a more comfortable (both physically and to the eyes) space, but there is only so much that can be bought. Would it really be a surprise for a sizeable amount of money to end up in someone's pocket?

A few years back, there was already an awareness about the exponentially increasing number of medical trainees. A famous (or infamous) politician who was a medical doctor himself once put it this way, 'if you throw a rock out a window, you would not hit a doctor but five' (well, something along that line). Generally, developing (and even developed) countries have always had a shortage of medical professionals. Doctor:patient ratios in town areas usually are comparable to what WHO deem as ideal whereas the situation is not that optimistic rural-ly (note that we are using ratios instead of actual numbers - there would be more doctors in urban areas as the number of patient intake is much higher). Logically speaking, who would want to venture out into uncertainty; where help would be harder to access should he/she encounter difficulty, fewer colleague support to fall back on, and technology enough to just survive. Not forgetting, these doctors are more likely than not, pure urban, having been raised in the luxury of hygiene and comfort. It was probably the honest intention of wanting to improve the ratios in rural areas that have lead to the encouragement/approval by the government/medical council in any steps that would lead to more medically trained students, especially considering the brain drain problem that has been plaguing the country. But really, who would blame the soundminded people who have tasted (ie in Western countries) the sweetness of real democracy (at least relatively to back home), the culture of celebrating and sharing knowledge, the more humane working conditions; and all these on top of the better remuneration. Flooding the market with doctors in such a short period of time with hopes of keeping up with the rate of this drainage may soon backfire. We are currently just starting to feel the burden of congesting the wards with students and junior doctors.

Junior doctors/housemen/interns are on paper, doctors, but not quite there yet. With the year of housemanship (proposals/decisions to increase this to 2 since it was deemed 1 year was not enough - and this goes back to the main point of this post), these juniors are further trained; with them adjusting to their new-found responsibility, easing up to their capabilities, as well as identifying and fixing their own weaknesses. Each junior would be assigned to look after a ward, thus optimizing the variability of disorders/illnesses they encounter and teach em skills eg time management, patient/procedure-prioritising (perhaps the phrase 'working better under pressure' is appropriate here). That was how the system worked, or at least how I've always thought it was. Imagine the horror having a senior doctor expressing his concern regarding the crowding in the wards by junior doctors, how each junior is allocated to just 4(seriously?) patients each and there aren't enough senior doctors/consultants to conduct teaching thus compromising their learning. In the blog by this particular doc, terms such as 'pasar malam' were used and it just seems all too worrying. Of course, the fact that the hospital this doctor is working in is one of the main teaching hospitals is a justifiable reason, but with over 30 medical schools in the country churning out junior doctors by the factoryload and the homecoming docs (from the world over), where do these freshfaces go for training? We can't just dump them at a small hospital with no senior docs to guide them - where's the training?.

Having said all that tho, one good thing about having many doctors is the shifting system could then be tuned as such that work would now be less taxing on doctors and thus a possible reduction in complications associated with having overworked docs. And we could always roster out the junior docs who have finished their training (or towards the end) at a teaching/bigger hospital to the rural areas, and therefore (hopefully), achieving the dream to have a better doc:patient ratio.

Personally, I would agree with any arrangement that enables me to learn and get the valuable (and much needed) exposure before I put my license to kill to use. Crossing fingers that things would get sorted out and there would be an efficient organization by the time I enter the system (I won't even enter a sarcastic comment to avoid jinxing it).

(Here I did not mention: prospects of having more doctors going into specializations and meeting the high demands in the country, liability and the culture of suing, med jobs or lack thereof in other countries)

Lucky

I would've mentioned towards the end of last week as being crappy and that most things just seemed to be going against me. I know I shouldn't whine because compared to a lot of people, I probably am considered to have everything. Normally when things don't go right (I don't think there's much that can go wrong - I'd like to believe I lead a very simple life. And life isn't perfect, but with a roof over my head and not having to go to bed hungry, it's pretty damn good), I'd brush em off and convince myself that
1)they happen for a reason
2)they are fated to happen to avoid things even worse
3)minor hiccups do happen in life every once in a while
4)there are lessons to be learnt for future reference and
5)it won't be long before life is good/awesome again.

It was probably things happening one after another that finally made me crack (well that and pms). I lost a lot monetarily, wasted a lot of time, went on an emotional rollercoaster, and even lost some self-esteem. The gloomy/rainy weather certainly didn't help. So I decided to cocoon myself in the room the past few days. Now after 4 or 5 movies, all the macro and microsleeps, and food, things have been starting to look up, especially considering all the other little things (sometimes being grateful helps :p).

-Managed to use the washing machine without much competition from the other residents
-Back to sunny (tho still windy) weather
-My attempts to book flights to and fro home have gone through (thus no longer being nagged by mum)
-Car works in progress (will still need to get the opinion of my garageguy to help decide on something)
-Requested a movie to be downloaded by one of the hostel residents (and he/she is downloading now. actually could've sat in the wards while it was looped continuously for a few days while I was doing paediatrics at another hospital)
-Went for job training (which actually is pretty light but the pay does not start/rise for a bit of time. a bit of regret having bought tickets back home but meh)
-I think I can still survive this month but mum said to use credit card for stuff
-Going caving soon (have booked the 'tour'/acco etc)
-Someone made a song for me

So yep. Life's good again (albeit gonna be busier) :D
Here is a catchy song I've been replaying

culture

I've always thought the world could do without all the segregation based on culture, race, and religion. If Mother Nature had her way, everyone would be made up of a little bit of most things, with above average/unique looks and genetic disorders usually running in families kept to a minimum. There would be no countries, and nothing to kill or die for.. (cue Lennon's Imagine)

Having said that tho, the Maoris are actually pretty darn cool (refer to vid)

we're living in a fake world

hello my name is

From now on, my car will be called Jenny.

We're on this rollercoaster ride

Here are the other 90s (+ possible outliers) that I didn't wanna add to the previous one
Link!