Time always tell everything... These days it felt like I'm just going with the flow in my life... Like as if nothing matters anymore... Day by day, it felt like i'm changing into someone i wouldn't wanna be... At times it's just weird how u feel about urself... One moment u're pretty certain that u'll stick to ur principles... But the next moment, it's like u dun have the courage to do so... I once thought that ur the best thing that ever happen to me...


 I used to think that someday things will work out just the way it is but as time goes by, i'm getting sick and tired being dependent on you... It's so unlike me coz i know that before u step into my life, life had never been better... These days, it does feel like ur presence or absence doesn't really matter anymore... In fact, i really really really truly felt like letting go... No matter how hard i tried to let go of what u've done to me, it kinda haunts me... It's like any moment u'll do it again n again... Any moment u'll be able to betray my trust... twice is enough right... But i believe in giving chances and what goes around will come around... It felt like it doesn't kill to be evil coz ur the one who taught me to be this way... Didn't ask for anything much ain't like other girls... Too much already... It has to be us clapping together but nowadays it's much more of one sided... And i'll just wait for that one fine day to say that's enough, forget me... The sacrifice all seemed to be in vain coz u'll just take advantage of my kindness and i hate myself for not showing that other side of me...



  If you could be stubborn, if you expect me to listen to what ur saying... I'll just give in but one fine day you'll see what i'll do to you... It's been lies all along... It's just an act to cover what i truly feel... Much more of hatred now... After what u've done, i've finally got it... Ain't gonna push anymore... I'm tired of pretending everything's alright... Tired of pretending that it's okayy for u to treat me in such manner... No point comfronting, no point talking things out coz in the end, u'll typically say i duuno and dun wanna talk about it anymore... It's been difficult to make u understand... Finally saw your true colours despite the fact that i thought ur different but you're still typical... Expecting me not to listen to whatever my friends told me about u, expecting me not to be sad, expecting me not to sulk whereas you always listen to your friends... Yeahh i've tried my best becoming a robot and it's clear that u've become a stranger to me... It's all excuses that ur busy 24/7 but still make time for friends... How pathetic can that be?



It's better to have loved and lost rather than not to love at all... I dun feel myself being of any importance in your life coz u never sacrifice anything at all yet expecting me to listen all the time... It has to stop... Yeahh i'm gonna bring out the ego... It's time to use that phrase 'take it or leave it'... No doubt ur the 1st whom i can't help falling for but it kills to be blinded by the way ur treating me... Hopefully i do have the courage to face everything coz deep down i know i dun owe you a living coz u'll never make a decision that for once will make me happy like u did before... Hopefully i won't be a softie anymore coz now it's war... Do whatever u wanna do and i'm never gonna budge from my decision unless you completely realise your mistake, give in to prove yourself to me and it also depends whether i'm gonna forgive u...

It's been forever since I last post my blog... Been seriously busy these days... Am getting on with life, sometimes uncertain of what i want in the future... Weird isn't it... Guess I didn't give it too much thought... Well attachment's been great... Seen stuff I've never seen before and learn many new things... Really an honour to be in the course i'm in right now... It's what I want in life and I'm sure I'll strive hard for it... I felt pathetically emotional this days... With the way he's treating me... For him ignorance seems bliss... He doesn't even realize what he's done... He could be heartless at times... Then now claimed that he cared for me... Would a guy remain silent all day if he cared for a girl? Would a guy make excuses not to see the girl if he cared for the girl? He seemed to be doing all he can to drive me crazy... Seriously mann I've been crying ALOT these days... It's pretty insane to have a million wild thoughts running through my mind... Like for example he'll say that he's busy when i asked to meet... Wondering he's just NS and what keep him busy mann? He does have time for friends but to meet him is like meeting a president... I dunno if I can hold on any longer... My heart felt like it's been stabbed already with the way he treats me... He doesn't seem to behave such manner previously :( We meet each other like twice or thrice per week but now, it's impossible to meet him that often... Haiz He's just far alr... It felt like everything's a faccade... 3/4 of a day he'll be sleeping... Which I dunno how true is that... Sometimes the way he text is like he's being forced to text... Or even lazy to text... I felt like I'm desperate towards him... Which makes me hate myself even more with the way i'm behaving towards him... Just like I'm not myself... Where's the love? Wondering what kind of love keeps breaking a heart... Yeah u've apologised a million times but ur still the same... No matter what, ur still gonna make me cry... Bet any other gurl would have simply ignored you or just leave you... As for myself, I've been dying to let go of you... But now doesn't seem the right time... I'll ry to embrace myself... When the time comes, hopefully i've got the strength and courage to let him go... My instincts did tell me that you've got another girl... That's why you're busy o.O It's just like not being able to see you means that you've got something up on your sleeve... Seriously guess it's time to show the other side of you... If he could do such thing, i'll show my other side... I'm sick and tired of being too nice... Sick and tired of all the pain... Sick and tired of crying... Bet i'm an idiot who fall in love with the sheep... Other girlfriends of mine told me to just let him go... That seemes to be the easiest option out but the more i think of it, i felt like a coward... Felt like i couldn't do it... Coz he's been in my mind all the time and deep down i believe that he's different from those typical guys out there... Way different coz he's pretty religious... Well, he did make me happy those days when we're in love with each other... He could be irritating but he knows when to stop... He staggers alot which made me wanna laugh sometimes but that's what makes him more adorable than ever... Then he might say words he doesn't mean to and finds that it's a joke... He'll make a joke with a serious face... He could be slow sometimes which is the main reason teasing him is fun... He doesn't know how to sweet talk that much and he prefers the girl to say those words first... He does have a shy side... Yet when he talk, he could talk non stop even though it makes no sense... He simply loves to disturb me... He'll get jealous over little things and is pretty sensitive sometimes... This side which i've just discovered recently... Though he doesn't say it, his body language tells it all... Which is why I try my best to hide something which he'll feel inferior and we'll start quarelling over little things... Like recently I've been close with one of my guy friends... The look on his face made me smile each time i see him... Then she told me that we're compatible and should get together... Surprisingly, he's okayy with it and as for me i object... Then she laugh... True enough i felt happy with his presence but there's no spark at all between us and he's just like a younger bro to me... It's unbelievable that he said those magic words before we bid farewell to each other... Then he did tell me to msg him if there's anything... I'm like hmmmm he never said such thing before o.O well, why should i take it to heart he could be joking coz he's a happy go lucky person... He's kinda senget though... yet I'm open about that and am glad that we could click with each other... We watched movie on his phone... Then I'll find him randomly trying to take my picture using his phone camera... Then I read his texts he send to his matair n he'll try to read mine... Kpo betul... Anyway, his presence did make me happy... I'm glad i was his partner during this attachment... Of course I've been keeping all this from him coz I really took care of his feelings despite him trampling all over my heart... Sometimes the love is just too strong ehhh and it's god who seems to make this our desiny... I felt much better now after letting all this out... Dunno who to turn to so it's best I pen down my thoughts... It's been a long post so I'd better get going... Will post again as soon as there's something to share ;) Signing Off Haneesah

Such thing always happen don't they... When you get too close to someone, it's just difficult to maintain it... Yeahhh... It feels like I finally understand why they don't favour you that much... When she finally open up, it feels like I'm being a close friend but after that we're playing strangers... Like as if we're just acquaintances... Too much hiprocacy there... I dunno if I trust you too quickly to tell you what I'm not supposed to say but I just have to get it off my chest since you shared about her... It feels like you've got a camera on you... Someone's been watching whatever you do and then that B**** would tell on you... Each time she made that eye contact on you, it felt SUPER inferior mannn... IT's like I owe you my life... And don't you know it's rude to stare? Just my luck to be partners with her whom I couldn't get along with... When she notice that I was being close to another friend, she'd maintain a distance... And all of a sudden, they started talking and it felt like a fool... Nvm do whatever you want coz I wouldn't bother as it's a waste of time, effort and energy...

I'm so used to being alone... There's been rumours going around. gossips here and there and I just hope that I wouldn't do such thing... Keeping quiet and pretending not to know anything is just the right choice... Why should I bother what others think of me when only HE's opinion matters... I dun wanna be the majority when I could be the minority... Laugh all you want and I'll still stand strong on both feet... It'll be over real soon and it's gonna be a relief not to be working with you anymore... In fact, learning to be independent is the best way... Can't depend on others too much coz it really is a pain when you needed help and they never help...

Each time they need help, they came to you and you'll just help whatever you can... Though some ppl dun deserve to be help coz of their pathetic attitude... Haiz... What to do right... Am living in a world of unfairness and those kinda ppl always get it their way... If only this suffering will it... I couldn't control it can i... Guess I'll just let it be... Not everyone can be friends with each other and like each other... What to do since she doesn't belong there...

It's been long since I last update my blog and soooooOoooOoooOooo many things happened already... Recently was our 3 months anniversary and time always fly by without me realising... We did spend time together despite me being unwell on that day... Felt feverish, having cough and flu... She was in a lovesick state yet when he was next to her, she didn't get any better... She felt his love for her... She knew that only him could make her fall for him all over again... He doesn't have the looks yet all it takes is just a kind heart and a loving soul... He fits the criteria though... Can't find anyone yang lebih sempurna coz a perfect person would make it all too boring...

He's not the type who'd say sweet things and dun mean it... He's not the type who knows how to lie coz I manage to catch him lying if he tried to lie XD He's not the playboy type coz he gets really really shy around girls... He doesn't quite know how to be romantic while expressing his feelings, much more of a straightforward type... He might say such hurtful words but he's just kidding and doesn't mean what he say... She fall for him all over again when he consoled her each time she is in a 'merajuk' state... She's just in love with him... She loved the way he played with her hair... She adored him as he lie on her lap and she stroke his hair gently... She felt like he's the one... She love the gaze in his eyes... Each time she look into his eyes, she could find his love in there...

No other guy could make her feel this way... It's just different whenever she's with him... He used to be someone cold, aloof and naive but then and again... As she get to know him better, she saw a different side in him... He's lovable, caring and just like a small child who seeks attention and gets jealous over little things but never the obsessive or possessive kind... She knows that his love is genuine... Though they say dun trust a person fully while in love but it's just difficult not to trust as I felt his sincerity towards me... He's just sweet...

On that particular day, he told me to go see a doctor but I was stubborn... With him around, I know I'll be just fine but it got worst ;/ We had a good time together... I could feel that he's being serious coz he did ask me a question which I wasn't truly ready answer... "Awk nak kahwin dgn saya?" I was dumbfounded of course... We're still young, surely we do have dreams that we'd like to achieve in life so I just replied "sekolah pun belum habis" He never take that as an answer though... He ask a few more times yet I just shrug... Deep down in my heart, he seemed like a husband to me alr n_n He put a ring on my right 4th finger... the ring kinda melt my heart coz each time just by holding it or looking at it, he's close and the love for him grow deeper and deeper... Seriously, never felt such way for any other guy...

He's like my first love and truly an angel ^-^ The next 2 days, we meet up and he send me home... Weird all of a sudden he wanna meet and when I ask why, he said that he missed me... The way he said that Sound pretty cute... Crazy as it seems but I can't brush him off my mind... He's been closer than ever, in my heart always yet each time I wonder if he's not the one, why would I bother loving someone deeply... Sometimes I do hate myself for loving him too much... Well, it can't be help coz I couldn't find the courage to stay away from him... Just like a drug which gets me addicted all the time and never get tired of the same one and only drug... In fact, beginning to love it more than ever...

Alhamdulillah our 3 months anniversary made our love grow stronger for each other... Many say that it's still honeymoon period but hopefully this honeymoon period lasts long coz I know it won't be tough to stay loyal *winkz* Can't wait for tomorrow coz I've got a date with him and he told me that we're gonna go and get our couple rings... Sweet kan n_n It's alright if she doesn't have much friends but life is alr complete with his presence...

Dearlova...
Hanya dirimu yang berjaya menyinari hidupku... Syg adalah cahaya kebahagiaan kerana telah memberi sepenuh cintamu terhadap diri ini... Syg seperti bidadara yang mahukan diri ini senyum, melindungi diri ini dan memberikan nasihat yang berguna... Syg juga selalu memanjakan diri ini dan menyayangi diri ini seadanya... Syg sentiasa berubah dan cuba sedaya upaya untuk menjadi baik dan sememangnya kite tau syg sebenarnye baik... Syg sanggup menghantar diri ini pulang walaupun dirimu harus keseorangan biler pulang ke tempatmu... Syg suka nahh usik kite sehingga kite merajuk tapi syg pandai pujuk sehingga kite tak mampu nak merajuk lama2... Syg suka tgk kite mkn and suap kite mkn... Syg selalu membuat kite ketawa, selalu membelai pipiku dgn manje dan selalu mengucapkan "syg awk" biler tgh belai pipi kite... Pernah sekali syg ckp "saya rindukan awk" and sandarkan kepala kat bahu kite... Hatiku bergetar hebat mendengar ungkapan rindu daripadamu... Syg telah berjaya mencuri hati ini... Semoga syg takkan berpaling dari cinta kite n kasihmu takkan berubah kerana kasihku dan rinduku hanya untukmu ;) Insya allah cinta kite akan kekal sampai biler2 ehhh syg... Loving u and missing you always dearie ^-^

K lahhh... It's been a long post... I'm outta here...

Signing off
Haneesah

I'm back from Canada... Accompany elder bro there since he's having exchange prog at toronto university... the weather's pretty cold... The coldest was -15 degree celsius... Didn't go out on that particular day... Managed to go nigara falls... that's the only place of interest we went... Most of the time it's dinner/lunch outside and the food is mouth-watering!!!! Ate pizza too... The nasi briyani over there seemed much more healthier as the rice isn't that oily and the lauk is just nice... YUM YUM! I LIKE ^-^

then apart from that, we all went to visit bro's friend and his apartment... Okayyy lahh for the time being... Even though i wore layers of clothes and gloves, i still feel cold sehhh =x the wind is really chilling and when a nigara falls, there's even snow! Get to play with the snow... Throw at elder bro and he threw back... We wen o watch a short video and then get to see the creation of nigara falls... Were told to wear raincoat since we'll get wet... Funny thing was dad was in front of me and when the water splashes, most of it hits him... He remain expressionless and when everything was over, had a good laugh about it... Dad couldn't even stop humming the tune of it...

Went to souvenir shops and got some souvenirs for dearies and for dearest papa bear... Hehe... Speaking of which... I looked for a t shirt for him and spot a t shirt suitable to give him... A tshirt with wordings saying, Someone who loves me went to toronto, canada and buy me this shirt... Thought of getting that for him yet if mum ask, surely i dunno what to say so i didn't take the risk... Instead bought for him a wrist bangle souvenir... Hopefully he likes it... Elder bro ask if i'm on with him and when i said why not he said he wouldn't want such brother in law :x haiz... That alone kinda made my heart freeze and it's starting to crush... Coz i believe in him that he could change... Tried running away from him... Tried to hate him but i couldn't find the strength and courage to do so... He does have a good side in him... If he's not made for me, then y does my heart tell me that he's the one... If he's not the one, y do i always think of him and he made a fool out of me coz it's crazy how much i missed him to the extend that i cried :/ Yet no words could describe how much i missed him and it also feels like love grows deeper each day and he seemed to be the reason for my happiness...

Took lotsa pics but i'm kinda lazy to update it here coz hafta wait a long long time... It was a pretty good experience being at a cold country... However it feels like i wouldn't wanna go there anymore coz the flight hours are super long... Most of the time i'm sleeping... If not i'll be watching movies in the aeroplane... If not, i'll be listening to some classic songs... Then apart from that, i'll be at the washroom O.o But the things is they do have snacks and when i asked for it, they give it to me... I once received a ferero rocher chocolate bar *grinz* Like so long never eat chocolate... Hehe... Whereas on the way back to singapore, they gave me chips, apple and a chocolate bar... But the most irritating one was there's this guy who sat in front of me in the aeroplane... He bring down his seat which made me difficult to see the movie in front of me and i wanna do he same bu couldn't coz i kinda pity the one seating behind me...

Lucky the air stewardess told him to bring us his seat... Just for a moment i didn't feel annoyed >.< Look forward to be back in singapore... Gotta be prepared for sch in 2 days time... Gotta do a lil bit of pre reading... So actually, before i left... We were still texting...

"Alalalah jangan macam ni boleh sayang.. Hati saya pun same.. Awak enjoy lah kat sane.. Saya tahu jaga diri saya k sayang awak jangan risau.. Kejap je satu minggu awak gi sane.."

It feels like forever i'm in singapore sehhh... Finally I'm home... Hehe... Yet today's D Day!

"Saya ingat niari kite punye monthsary walau pun kite tak dapat sambut kite punya monthsary dan awak baru balik pasal awk penat saya faham... Macam mane pn saya tetap ingat monthsary kite.. Tapi awak jangan risau maybe kite boleh relay on 14 jan... So saya wish awak punya happy monthsary and kasih sayang saya tak akan berubah dengan sekelip mata..
P.S i love u.. (L)"

It's already 2 months anniversary... HAPPY 2 MONTHS ANNIVERSARY syg... Semoga tuhan pelihara hubungan kite n semoga cinta ini kekal bersamamu... Semoga cinta kite menuju ke arah jalan yang diredha olehNYA... Insya allah... Terima kasih atas segalanya... Aishiteru papa bear! <3

Hmmm... The past few days had been awesome... Haven't been in Singapore and am away with dearest family n.n hehe... It's the holidays now and gonna have loads of fun before the real thing starts... Seriously, holidays this time round is gonna be fun coz I'm really looking forward to it... It was a good first day of the holiday not being in Singapore... But being away from Singapore made me eat like I've never eaten before... It's like scHooligan days with my dearie cupcake members... Forever munching especially during lectures... Hehe! The journey to reach our destination was a long one... It's either dad or elder brother who drive the car... Then when giving directions it's pretty chaos... Furthermore I become the pilot... Haiz... He did give directions and it's like whatever he say is the correct one... Nobody can give any other opinion... Pathetic right... Anyway, whatever it is we reach our destinatioN safely... Most of the time I slept during the whole journey... But when required some help, i'll help out whenever I can :)

It was a long tiring journey n though I slept, I still feel sleepy... Upon reaching, brought all the bags in... Stayed over at cousiN's place and then watched elder bro played his game... Had lunch, prayed and then pampered myself... Was rolling on the bed and then I fall asleep... Hehe... Had a good rest and when I woke up, grab a bite and waited for time to fly by... Did prayers and then played the game which elder bro Played... Soon enough another cousin of ours came and she brought her adorable daughter with her... Had dinner and guess what I ate? Beef kebab... Sounds nice right but when the food was served, it's just like rolled beef O.o while the rest ate something more... Cousin then ordered something extra yet I tried to refuse coz I'm full eating as I've been eating lots Of satay stick too but what to do... The way parents all tell me not to refused the food scares me so I just ate... It was weird and frustrating that each drink I wanted dun have... I ask for longan, dun have... I ask for honeydew juice, dun have... No other drink came to mind until the person suggested mango juice and it sound like just what I wanted so I got myself mango juice...

Headed back to cousiN's place after that and then watched elder bro played his game... As soon as my eyes are getting heavy, I went inside the room and get my hp... The only thing I'd do before I fall asleep... Read his texts... It really was a great feeling to have the courage to love someone... Mm hmmm... Each time I read the texts, it naturally came to me that the love is burning... Really really... Feels like he's the one... I'd be lying if I say I dun think of him at all or miss him but I'm lucky that the feeling is controllable... Before I head off also I did say what I've been longing to say so I've got no regrets... Hope that he won't be influenced and remember what I told him... Will be praying for him since that's the only way and the best way to help...

Fall asleep and the next morning, I had kfc for breakfast... Cool right........? Yeah, I know... Been eating slot of chicken lately and it does remind me of him since he loves chicken... Never mind Kahn, I ate for him his share... Hehe... After breakfast, had a shower and then cousin came and pick us up... She brought us to some place to go for some shopping... Then for lunch, we ate at teppanyaki and my choice is chicken teriyaki but seriously, the veg is alotalotalot... The serving is really healthy though... After that we bought cookies and then some sushi... After which, headed back home... Prayed and then had another long long long. Rest... Sleeping has been my next hobby XD hehe... Woke up and then get ready to pack our stuff Coz our cousin wants us all to stay over at her place... Upon reaching her place, we settled down and then get ready to go out... Going uptown and having dinner outside... Dinner this time round was western!!!!!!! I had beefsteak and plain water... Can't think of any other drink to drink so I'm only left with that choice... After that, we did some window shopping and I bought a cute angry bird plus a belt for myself... It just caught my attention and having a small bag is okay I guess so why not...

It was around 1am when we reached cousiN's place... Quickly washup and. Then fall asleep... Had a great long long long rest and when I woke up, had breakfast... Nasi lemak and hl milk.. Then they all went to some village place whereas my elder bro and me stayed to guard the place and save energy for later coz when they come back, we'll be going giant supermarket and that's when I'll follow... Might be having barbecue later for dinner... Stomach has never been empty ever since I'm away from Singapore... Surely gain weight man o.O That's about it for now... 1 more day to go and i'll be back! Can't wait for tomorrow Mann... Hopefully time flies by quickly as I know I'm enjoying every single moment of it yet I still look forward to go back to Singapore... Hehe

I couldn't describe how ytd was but what i know is really has been a long long long day with all the emotions and everything... Met up with my customer and pass him the product and then headed off to fill my stomach... Out of a sudden there's this heavy downpour mann... I felt like i wanna play in the rain but i choose not to... Borrowed an umbrella from a shop and walked towards the mosque... Most of my time was spent there... It's the best place ever to study coz I do feel calm in there as there's no soul around except for myself... Unlike if I were to go to the library... It's a saturday and surely there's lots of ppl there... Then I did get a call from him... Saying that he wanna meet at 5 instead... It seemed pretty late but nvm lahhh... Dunno when will be the next time we meet right... I managed to study a lil bit of bio at the mosque... then when I look at the time, decided to leave since he called and wanna meet at 4 instead... He told me that he'll give me a call once he reached city hall but seriously waiting is a torture so i made my way...

So ytd we had lunch/dinner together... He felt like eating kfc so that's where we filled our stomachs... Hehe... I didn't have to wait that long... Lucky me... we set off and it really feels like a long long long walk... We were sort of tired as soon as we reached kfc... He wanted me to buy for him but i gave him the look that I won't buy it for him... So we both went to the counter and get our meal... It seriously was a good meal... Surprisingly he talked non stop... It's like there's just sooooooooOoooOooOoo many things that he talk about... Unlike the very first few times we talk on the phone... Pretty awkward situation mannn... It just gets better and better...