where are you working now?
oh wow they must pay you well
oh wow that's a big company, good for you
oh why there?
really, an accounting firm?
it's been one month in since I started my job upon returning from the States.
I said yes to an accounting firm (in fact one of the bigger and more well known accounting firms), 50% because of the good pay, 35% because of the name of the company, 15% because I knew that it would be a job I can do/ a job that I am good at.
I mean really, by Kuala Lumpur standards,
I'm considered to be in the upper tier of high income earners.
it's been almost exactly one month in.
so when the general questions come swinging in about how it has been, I say :-
I've always prioritised a lot of factors when it comes to career options. pay has always been a huge factor because I know money can't buy happiness but money can pay for a lot of necessary things like car loans, insurances, birthday presents, birthday cakes, much needed holidays, even more needed iced coffees, the occasional shopping spree, the occasional dinner treat for a friend or for the family, emergency visits to the doctor... it's an exhaustive list but truth to be told, that's one of the main reasons why I love working - so that I can be more independent and take hold of more responsibility well. it enables me to be more of an adult, which I am.
but one of the main reasons is also because I can buy all the food I want.
I mean really.
my next financial goal in life is to be able to go grocery shopping worry-free.
and then the next factor, is company culture.
I value and truly appreciate a company that cares for its individuals, moreso because my first job didn't have that. in fact, isn't that one of the most important factors that should be considered in all jobs? to know that you are cared for, and just as important as then next person.
I guess a lot of other factors are generic and not as important but just as important to everyone else. and I have to honestly say, my current job ticks off most of the factors that I require for a job. so, I should be happy, right?
......right?
even typing it out feels heavy because... I guess I will always find it very difficult to voice out the extremely important things to me. things I don't talk about often, things I don't talk about to just everyone who asks. I'm pretty good at keeping a lot of things pent inside and locked away from anyone's guessing. but no matter how much I hide, the people who really know me see right through me without even trying.
am I happy?
how do I measure happiness versus contentment?
how do I differentiate the two?
out of the few important factors I have listed above, what about the most important factor - if it is something I want to do? if it's something I love to do? it's easier to think of what I can do because many of us are capable of many things. but then I forget that no matter what easy choice I make, they all come with a different set of struggles. so, on what basis should I make my choices? how important is pay compared to doing what you really love? where can I include in a percentage for "passion" as an equally important factor for a job?
the hardest question to answer is,
what are you most willing to struggle for?
I wish I was more like my sister because she always knew what she wanted to be since she was 13, and that's a chef. and since then, that's been her aim throughout high school and even college. her hardcore persistence has always been and still is both my envy and admiration because she went on the path she wanted. she didn't care what people thought or what they had to say - she knew what her calling was from a really early age and just took a dive for it, no fucks given. in fact I always envied and admired individuals who knew what they wanted to do/be from the start. because the determination that comes with and grows with it is so incomprehensibly commendable.
because in contrast, I never really had a clear goal. in school report cards, my top three dream occupations changed every year, usually highly influenced by a movie that I'd watched or a television series I'd followed. Crime scene investigator, flight attendant, teacher, nurse, biologist, veterinarian, news reporter, actress. yet again, another exhaustive list. I guess that's part and parcel of being an extremely indecisive person. but I'm hella determined, and rather capable as well.
I just never really knew exactly what I wanted to be.
I'm not lost by any chance but instead more... confused.
so in many ways, I'm getting quite frustrated with myself as time goes by. because there is so much that I believe I can still offer. but I keep on letting old fears overcome my decision making processes, and thus, make choices that are easier. choices that can guarantee comfort instead of contentment. I stay in safe choices within my comfort zone box, and hide behind the luxury of a good company with good pay. I try to stay patient and be thankful the choices I'd already made. because they're not bad choices, right? who wouldn't want a job that guarantees a good pay and good working environment?
so far so good, sorta.
but as of the past week's restless nights, one question rings in the back of mind;
what am I most willing to struggle for?
