because it's time to summarise the year of 2016.

I woke up around 11am today with a recovering headache, heavy as my body physically recuperates from the days of city exploration and nights of endless banter with the gang Ju Yi usually goes with.

I really like the fact that this End Of The Year Trip with the gang Ju Yi usually goes with has been going strong for a good 8 years now and is known even to my other friends. 

'where is Ju Yi?'

'oh she's on that end of the year trip with that gang she usually goes with'

in the past 8 years, I've been for most of these planned trips and we all usually look forward to it every year. I've known most of these friends since I was a kid; some for more than a decade. New people join us, and usually the old ones don't leave either. some faces I see more regularly than others; some I only see twice a year or even just for the first time during this holiday. 

I guess what's great about this holiday I have every year is that it's always about the people I'm with. we can plan a one day trip to the most boring part of the city and it would somehow still turn to be exciting and hilarious at the same time. the greatest part of it all is that it gives all of us the opportunity to end the year with great memories, together.

As I reflect back on 2016, there have been momentous occasions as I've embarked on new journeys, left literally some paths I realised were not good for me, strengthened more friendships than I have weakened and in overall, have begun to live life a little more vicariously instead of meticulously thinking of everything in too much detail. 

1) My venture into kpop (and ultimately learning Korean).

I'm pretty sure this remains the #1 thing I have 'embarked' on since January 2016, which has since established a whole new set of songs in my phone, overtook all my Youtube views and most definitively taken up all my free time in this year LOL 

most first-time kpop listeners usually stick to one artist, as did I with Big Bang. However, I ventured into great distance with so many groups and individuals. it wasn't just the well-trained and undeniably good looking idols that I devoted my energy to (name the group/artist and I will tell you which one is my bias, which song I like from which era and which duo I ship) - I soon ventured into their dynamic R&B scene (Zion T, Crush, Dean, Dynamic Duo, Primary and the like), the extremely underrated k-hiphop scene of underground and mainstream rappers (this is literally a non-exhaustive list spanning everyone from Mino, Zico and Zelo to Dok2, YELLA D and CJamm), and even into indie bands and sounds (obviously Hyukoh to lead the list). 

yes, ladies and gentlemen.

I have took a complete jump from fedora-wearing, tattoo-donning British riffs to the visually-overwhelming, multi-aesthetically pleasing explosion of K-music.

so much, that I'd even decided to take up Korean language classes. my first time learning a language and I'd never been more excited.

I flew to Korea for the first time in March 2016 to attend my first k-pop concert. nothing quite like it, even until today. 

iKON in August 2016. I still remember it like it was yesterday :3

one month later - DEAN in Malaysia. such a babe, 100%

Big Bang again in October 2016  

bought my first k-pop album and it's none other than my current-ultimate faves, GOT7 #shimkoong

technically saw GOT7 as well this month but it was more of an accidental encounter 

instead of attending the actual fanmeet HURHUR

here's to more k-pop in 2017, bettering my Korean and more of my money spent on concert tickets, merchandise and albums!

2) A little bit of travels here and there.

There was definitely more spontaneous trips vs planned holidays this year, all of which I'd been very grateful for. on top of a recent purchase of a camcorder, I'd managed to edit and create more videos of my travels, none of which have made it to public viewing as I'm both paiseh and don't think my work is good enough. oh well! 

Myeongdong, Seoul. too short a trip, hence a must go-again in 2017

Dalat, Vietnam: a city of true organised chaos

a little bit of Penang every now and then

 a little bit of exploration into the forest I live nearby. travelling doesn't always have to include a flight ticket 

and of course - Bangkok, Thailand.

nothing quite like a city that is a mix of history, culture and modernisation altogether

3) Love and growth.

True enough, being in a committed relationship consists of trials, tribulations and difficulties. but there also comes a lot of happiness, joy and comfort. I have learnt from others that being with someone who understands you, cares for you, and puts you above their own selves is truly a blessing as most are still looking for that person to walk with them. I end 2016 as thankful as I was when I ended 2015 hand in hand with my favourite person on earth. here's to more years together <3 div="" nbsp="">

4) Keeping the faith in Christ. 

As with every passing year, life throws all kinds of challenges and I am often questioning - what exactly does God want me to learn from this? I went through a testing period just two months back, of which led me to make life-altering decisions, career wise. I am still unsure about how I will progress next year, which has left me feeling anxious about stepping into 2017 with nothing sure in mind. 

Just like 2 years ago, I was given the opportunity to be a part of Metro Tabernacle's musical production and thus, tell a story about faith and believing when you can't see. From being a part of The Christmas Post, I embodied a character that was very much unlike my persona in real life. I didn't have as much tenacity and faith as Book Keeper, Dixie Plunkett did. I am not as confident as her eventhough I tried my best to sing like how she would. 

Don't give up. Don't give in.

When the going's tough that's just when faith kicks in.

I leave 2016 remembering that the Lord will see me through no matter what the circumstance and however so my path next year turns out to be. I hope to continue keeping the faith in God as I walk through grey periods and hopefully, positively challenging moments that will build and strengthen my character. 

You have been a fulfilling one, 2016.

Here's to 2017.

Just Right - GOT7 

because I'm keeping the faith.

gone were the days when I used to update this page every week/fortnight or still better, every month.
there's a saying by Luna Adriana that goes - there are two reasons why people don't talk about things; either it doesn't mean anything to them, or it means everything.

certainly there's a lot of truth to that, as I think of why I haven't spoken (here) for a long time.

1. separate of lyricalsteps, I have also opened up another more public Wordpress account. it's not updated often either but I guess I'm more selective with what I showcase publicly
2. i'm not sure that much has been going on in my life other than work in that corporate place I was talking about in my previous post.
3. then again, everything happened in the time frame of July until now.
4. I had also been spending probably a great portion of my daily life falling deeper into this hole called kpop
5. (kpop is cool ok)
6. and I guess I've just decided to be more so in the moment of going through life instead of penning every instance down

since I'd brought it up already & just for updates to the lonesome readers of this obsolete page and a future reminder to myself in case I'd developed dementia - after slightly over 11 months of tenure, I have bid goodbye to the polished, world-ranking accounting firm. I gave it plentiful thought before typing out the resignation letter and as the faint memories came back to me slowly and indefinitely, I knew that I have been unhappy for an extremely long time with this job and the only way to escape, is to quit.


certainly, quitting is much easier if i'd been an individual uneasily fazed by others and people kept their two pence worth of bullshit advice no one asked for to themselves. it wasn't an easy feat, especially as I see the dent it would leave on my nomadic CV and how it would affect future employers' views on me before considering me. I mean, I could not be a bigger working hoe.


as cheesy as it sounds, I took a deep breath and told myself, to keep the faith.

(yes this has to do with the fact that I'm in my church Christmas play and am singing a solo that goes along the same lines of that, sue me why don't you)

I've been jobless for a good two weeks and I must say, it feels pretty damn great to wake up to no work obligations and texts from early morning/the night before asking for all sorts of sorts. there really is nothing like esaping the compulsory dependency on an alarm clock and lounging around in your PJs all day without care, having time to actually eat breakfast and quite legitimately, just think of yourself.

slowly but surely, I'd been starting to actually feel happy again, despite nothing actually happening to have triggered newfound joy. just pure, simplistic happiness of being present and being relatively, free.

to quote one of the more outstanding figures who was not directly my mentor but a definite leader, maybe it's time for me to have some self reflection to re-think which path I want to take. if I would like to opt for a different setting somewhere else. of course, there's an 80% chance of non-escape from working behind a desk. after all, we all need our computers and e-mails, don't we? so maybe, a different air, perhaps.

in this free time that I have established, I'd also been able to rediscover and renew my passion for reading as I am a few pages close to finishing Murakami's Colorless Tzukuru Tazaki and hop on to After Dark thereafter. while this world we live in is not always a bad place, it is always important to get lost in the literature of another world as well every now and then. it's what keeps you alive. it's what keeps me alive.

so that's about it, I guess.

an unfinished book, a job well-tendered and a Christmas production where I will be singing 'Keep The Faith' in all its splendour and razzmatazz. could life be imitating art or is this just God's way of creating art to imitate life?

guess I'll just have take a seat and let the universe do its magic.

Just Because - Baek A Yeon ft JB (of GOT7)

because so far not so good, sorta.

from as long as I know you JuYi, I really think that you deserve to be doing something greater than just sitting behind a workdesk.

if you were to tabulate the months, it has only been slightly over a year of since I've been in the corporate world. For one year, I have went through multiple Monday blues, sat in front of a computer for 9-10 hours a day, worn the same and the occasional formal clothes to adhere to rules, lessened my creativity to make way for learnt formality, limited my indifferent temperament to confine to a more black and white disposition, and most of all - taken in orders from people above me because I was in no position to make decisions on my own. 

when put into a concise paragraph and context, I certainly made the corporate world sound like a bland, unexciting place to be in. think of the men in dapper suits and women in clanking heels, one hand carrying exquisite leather suitcases and the other holding on to venti Starbucks lattes, entering lifts and ascending to high floors within tall windows. Talking about business in its most formal business context - shortforms that the generic non-business studying person would've not heard of. CF, FAS, FSI, TMTs, TPPAs... 

often times I think I'm blending in okay.

still, more often than that, I wonder - what exactly am I doing here?

is this something that us as generation Y face? is there something that we find absent in our daily working lives that make us question the depths of our choices? do we not know how to appreciate how lucky we are today compared to our parents who slaved through more difficult and challenging times? are we just weak and do not have a stronger sense of perseverance? is it because we feel like we are entitled to greatness? 

but I have a question though -

am I not allowed to feel like I am entitled to greatness?

sure, there's more than seven billion people roaming this weird little place we call big planet Earth. how do I, a singular human being out of that incomprehensible fraction, allow myself to feel entitled to greatness? should I not be thankful already that I am within the socioeconomic background that permits me the freedom to submit resumes and attend interviews, and be a part of a well-known company that vouches for its creme de la creme environment and culture?

I honestly don't know.

then there's another question that delves deeper than that. a question that I still can't seem to find the answer for :-

what exactly do I define as greatness?

what do I really want to do?

in the past few months, I have shared conversations along this line of thought with many different friends and colleagues. many of whom, find themselves stuck within a system that they cannot escape or want to escape, not sure as to what exactly they plan on doing with their lives, what are their best qualities that can be contributed to an organisation that deserves their efforts. many of whom are just waiting for it to hit them like eureka. tadaa! there it is, that thing that I want to do most in life!

and the most comforting explanation I can offer is usually this - that we all have different timebombs within us. some of us have undying ambitions since young and pursue it with full force. some of the world's greatest athletes and contributors to society found their passion when they were young. the tenacity that they hold remains one of the greatest things I respect as they follow their dreams with no regrets.

and then there's some of us who's times have not come yet. for specific reasons, we are doing things that are not exactly what we have always wanted to do or saw ourselves doing but we do it anyway as we patiently wait for greater things to come, or for that timebomb to explode inside of us. think of some of the world's most recognised names and they all went through hurdles of doing things that were not rooted in their passion, to come out to be successful, influential individuals. 

the former group is usually the group I envy the most because I've never had a steady ambition since I was a kid. in my primary school report portfolio, my cita-cita included news reporter, crime scene investigator, nutritionist, actress and teacher. none of which I pursued with an anchored discipline. along the way, along with the circumstances of the things that happened in my young life, I decided to pursue Psychology because I wanted to learn more about the illness that took over 30 years of my late father's life. of which I have no regrets for.

that's the thing with me - I don't usually have regrets. because I believe everything that happens, happens for a reason. we learn even from what seems like the most unfathomable situations. but ever so lately, I feel like I'm walking down a path that I had not agreed on. a path that if my 10-year old self saw, would stir me right away and change my direction. 

ever so lately, I've been having flashbacks to that one afternoon in high school when I recited Robert Frost's The Road Not Taken and had clear understanding as to what that poem meant, explaining it passionately and annoyingly to my absent minded classmates. I remember telling my English teacher then that that would go down to being my most cherished poem to heart because of what it stood for - that in order to live a life I'm proud of, I should take the road less taken because that will make all the difference. 

fast forward 8 years later,

and we are here. 

I am still wondering - what is my road less taken? because I can't see it. have I walked down this path too far to see where the divide in the road was? is it right in front of me and I'm too blinded by societal expectations to see it? is it too late? I have yet to turn twenty four; am I really too late? 

where is my road less taken? 

or rather - what is my road less taken?

because so far so good, sorta.

where are you working now?

oh wow they must pay you well

oh wow that's a big company, good for you

oh why there?

really, an accounting firm?

it's been one month in since I started my job upon returning from the States.


I said yes to an accounting firm (in fact one of the bigger and more well known accounting firms), 50% because of the good pay, 35% because of the name of the company, 15% because I knew that it would be a job I can do/ a job that I am good at.


I mean really, by Kuala Lumpur standards,
I'm considered to be in the upper tier of high income earners.


it's been almost exactly one month in.
so when the general questions come swinging in about how it has been, I say :-

I've always prioritised a lot of factors when it comes to career options. pay has always been a huge factor because I know money can't buy happiness but money can pay for a lot of necessary things like car loans, insurances, birthday presents, birthday cakes, much needed holidays, even more needed iced coffees, the occasional shopping spree, the occasional dinner treat for a friend or for the family, emergency visits to the doctor... it's an exhaustive list but truth to be told, that's one of the main reasons why I love working - so that I can be more independent and take hold of more responsibility well. it enables me to be more of an adult, which I am.


but one of the main reasons is also because I can buy all the food I want.
I mean really.
my next financial goal in life is to be able to go grocery shopping worry-free.


and then the next factor, is company culture.
I value and truly appreciate a company that cares for its individuals, moreso because my first job didn't have that. in fact, isn't that one of the most important factors that should be considered in all jobs? to know that you are cared for, and just as important as then next person.


I guess a lot of other factors are generic and not as important but just as important to everyone else. and I have to honestly say, my current job ticks off most of the factors that I require for a job. so, I should be happy, right?




......right?




even typing it out feels heavy because... I guess I will always find it very difficult to voice out the extremely important things to me. things I don't talk about often, things I don't talk about to just everyone who asks. I'm pretty good at keeping a lot of things pent inside and locked away from anyone's guessing. but no matter how much I hide, the people who really know me see right through me without even trying.

 

am I happy?

how do I measure happiness versus contentment?

how do I differentiate the two?

out of the few important factors I have listed above, what about the most important factor - if it is something I want to do? if it's something I love to do? it's easier to think of what I can do because many of us are capable of many things. but then I forget that no matter what easy choice I make, they all come with a different set of struggles. so, on what basis should I make my choices? how important is pay compared to doing what you really love? where can I include in a percentage for "passion" as an equally important factor for a job?

the hardest question to answer is,

what are you most willing to struggle for?

I wish I was more like my sister because she always knew what she wanted to be since she was 13, and that's a chef. and since then, that's been her aim throughout high school and even college. her hardcore persistence has always been and still is both my envy and admiration because she went on the path she wanted. she didn't care what people thought or what they had to say - she knew what her calling was from a really early age and just took a dive for it, no fucks given. in fact I always envied and admired individuals who knew what they wanted to do/be from the start. because the determination that comes with and grows with it is so incomprehensibly commendable.


because in contrast, I never really had a clear goal. in school report cards, my top three dream occupations changed every year, usually highly influenced by a movie that I'd watched or a television series I'd followed. Crime scene investigator, flight attendant, teacher, nurse, biologist, veterinarian, news reporter, actress. yet again, another exhaustive list. I guess that's part and parcel of being an extremely indecisive person. but I'm hella determined, and rather capable as well.


I just never really knew exactly what I wanted to be.
I'm not lost by any chance but instead more... confused.


so in many ways, I'm getting quite frustrated with myself as time goes by. because there is so much that I believe I can still offer. but I keep on letting old fears overcome my decision making processes, and thus, make choices that are easier. choices that can guarantee comfort instead of contentment. I stay in safe choices within my comfort zone box, and hide behind the luxury of a good company with good pay. I try to stay patient and be thankful the choices I'd already made. because they're not bad choices, right? who wouldn't want a job that guarantees a good pay and good working environment?


so far so good, sorta.
but as of the past week's restless nights, one question rings in the back of mind;

what am I most willing to struggle for?