because I'm transitioning (part two).

Growing up is a funny thing. Too often we don't notice of all the little changes that happen as we age. Our bodies change, we develop allergies/preference towards certain things, we grow hair and continue growing more hair. Our bones ache and creak.

We also don't fully realize how much personal experiences can be a factor in moulding the way we think and our approach towards similar situations. 

The people who know me well know how soft hearted I used to be. I never voiced out my frustrations, I pent up things inside and the worst of all - I accommodated to people. I thought and sometimes still think that being a chameleon was one of my strengths as a person but one should never blend in to the point of letting go one's own skin. 

I basically let people have their way because I believed in the better side of people. I believed that deep down, people were considerate human beings who thought of one another. I believed that kindness existed deep within every individual.

Well, not that I've been proven wrong. And not that I've met some shit people in life coz it sure sounded like it lol I mean I still believe in the good within people. 

Just not all people.

I've learnt this the hard way from the likes of broken friendships and two-faced bosses. I've cried enough tears for people who didn't deserve it and questioned what sort of lesson God wanted me to learn from embedding such difficult, unavoidable paths in my life.

Time and time again, I believe in the magnificent God who works in ultimately mysterious ways. As there is nothing He gives that you cannot handle. Everyday that I look into the mirror, I have a permanent note on my body reminding me of the adversities I'd had to overcome on my own and if anything, let burned bridges guide you and light your way.

In unfortunate events today, I am reminded of how my approach towards difficult situations have changed due to the past experiences I'd endured. 

I no longer keep frustrations to myself when it comes to conflict with a secondary party. I've realized the importance of being direct and straight forward when necessary and expressing it without pent up anger. I now practice the necessity of confrontation and being verbally clear with boundaries. And most importantly, I no longer feel bad nor pity those who don't deserve my compassion. That sometimes, you have to hurt people because they need to feel the pain.

I've learnt the hard way that not all people deserve kindness because in this big world, the reality is that some human beings are indescribably ignorant and oblivious towards their impenetrable egos. Or worse, they are aware of their flaws but do nothing to improve themselves and continue going about recklessly.

You be too nice,

and the first thing people will do is step all over you.

I grew up seeing this happen to my father, who by all accounts is and was the kindest man I'd ever known - had people take advantage of his beautiful heart and the person at the losing end was no one but him.

To quote one of my favorite phrases although my father was the opposite of this, My father had taught me to be nice first, because you can always be mean later, but once you've been mean to someone, they won't believe the nice anymore. So be nice, be nice, until it's time to stop being nice, then destroy them.

Be good to everyone, especially towards those who are good to you - once you realize that there are those who are using you to their selfish advantage, you take it back. You show them how human you can be, how angry and how dissatisfied you can be. Emotions are meant to be felt, not stored inside a locked cage. If you can be good, show people that you can be bad as well.


Because not everyone deserves your kindness.

because I'm transitioning.

It's funny how the settings of my environment whenever I sit down to blog, don't change. I'm always seated alone, usually in my home living room or by bedroom window, in the gentle silence of the a.m hour or with the accompaniment of some sort of indie-folk music. a cup of hot green tea not far away from reach.

almost three months since my last blog entry,
I am now writing this as a temporary resident of New Jersey, leaning on the edge of my living room couch with earphones plugged in. television off. two of my housemates quietly engaging in their own little worlds with their earphones on as well. 1:00 a.m. sipping on green tea.

to think that my last temporary travel overseas was the UK and that was with the accompaniment of my mother five years ago. I was 18, still studying, still young and still growing. and that was for 6-7 blissful weeks.

nearly two months ago, I teared to myself as I turned my back towards my family bidding goodbye and walked through the international departure gates of KLIA and boarded on my 23-hour flight alone, transitioning between airports on my own.

I'd never traveled abroad on my own before and indefinitely, the entire process was and still is exhilarating for me. this has been something I've been wanting to do for a long time - to travel while I'm still young. to explore cities that I've read about in books and watched in my favourite television shows and movies. to be exposed to different cultures. to breathe in a different air and be under different clouds.

and now I'm here,
nearly two months into my five month work-and-travel programme.and within the past two months, I have seen and done much despite having a 12-hour work schedule six days a week. a day upon arriving at the JFK International Airport and temporarily staying with a family friend in Brooklyn, I explored New York on my own with two maps in both hands respectively. I still remember how my heart pounded when I got off the subway station and walked into Time Square. and how I bought a hot dog from a truck and sat there, soaking everything in. I remember being too overwhelmed as I stared at working New Yorkers in their black suits and briefcases, beautifully dressed women trying to catch a cab, people having fancy brunches in fancy restaurants, the sounds of drivers cursing at each other, and hot steam evaporating from road works. I stared at endless skyscraper buildings and even more endless roads. I walked through neighbourhoods, hidden alleys, bustling parks. the many times I got lost between streets and directions and the many times that kind strangers helped me.

New York truly is the city that never sleeps.

now, I've been to New York twice and visited Philadelphia. I'd also taken a four-hour, three-bus journey to Atlantic City to catch my one and only Lana live. how I teared as she finally showed up on the stage. waiting for 8 hours and being shoved around in the front row was worth it.


working in a kitchen has proved the need for more muscle and tenacity than most jobs so working 12 to 13 hour shifts have worn out my body in ways I never imagined I could. I get so carried away immersing and adjusting myself into my six-day work routine that I don't realize the routine itself is an experience. I've learned so much about the quintessential American culture and additionally, Latino culture because I work with an entire kitchen of Mexicans.


every now and then, I recall some of the cross-cultural papers I'd read during my time as a Psychology student and it's such an indescribable feeling to see these studies translated into real life as I get the opportunity to have a more holistic understanding of behavior in cultures. It is both humbling and grounding as a human being to experience and notice all the differences that our cultures make of us, and all the similarities that we hold despite of it.

Being alone and on your own in a country so far away from home only reinforces how much more time you spend alone. I often read when it's not busy in the kitchen and I've finished Murakami and now going through Nabokov's Lolita. even as I read both books, I think/thought to myself: I am reading Japanese/Russian literature while being in America! How cool is that! #derptimes


I love being on on my own here. I have always been an independent girl and being able to live on my own here reinforces to me that I can do it. I can live on my own, buy my own groceries, pay my own rent. I've grown close to my four lovely Malaysian housemates, all of which are extroverted introverts on varying levels just like myself. to quote my country's national carrier, journeys are made by the people you travel with. and I cannot agree with that phrase more. and with some of my travels I have done here with them, I am excited to continue traveling with them in two months.


Sleeping alone was a little difficult at first - I've slept next to my sister all my life and I still do so I miss her random banter of things. and being someone who is considerably and unashamedly afraid of the dark does not make things any easier. because of the 12 hour difference between here and back home, I've had the comfort of Simon to Skype with to sleep every now and then. this is a recently graduated, free man so no I am not being a clingy girlfriend :p

Being alone is one thing.

Being in a (wonderful) relationship is another. 

I've always been the sort of person who didn't mind and sometimes prefer doing things alone. being here and traveling alone has been something I've wanted to do for a very long time - but there is not a day that goes by that I don't miss the person I love. I don't know if you you the reader la who else have ever experienced the sort of feeling where... you just know that things are better when you are with that specific person.


now forgive me for going all cheesy and Nicholas Sparks but let me clarify it in ways that I can. what I mean when I say that things are better is such that your thoughts are better, the way you perceive things are better, your experiences are better, you as a person are better. and that's what Simon is to me. Being here and being so far away from him has made me realize that I have changed from being the sort of person who held a minutely separate identity and personal time for romantic relationships, to the sort of person who would rather spend all possible time with this person that I am only so lucky to call my best friend, soulmate, my #twinsie for everything, my favourite person on earth, and last but not least - my home. 


indeed it is not time nor experiences that brought about this change within me.
it is him.


so if you were to find or had already found someone that you can actually call all those things (and who can call you by the same things as well) - wouldn't you be feeling the dire weight of separation as much as I am had you been thousands of miles away from home? and by home, I mean the idea of home within a person?


Believe - Mumford & Sons