because hearts are difficult.

12:30a.m.
cup of green tea getting cold.
hungry. moderately tired because i've been barista-ing at the restaurant in which the sister is head chef-ing for several days straight, morning until night. partially pissed off because i had to encounter yet another mini episode of family drama upon coming home but it has been an hour since and my heart is on a steady pace now.


once more,
i have been momentarily thrown into the routine of being busy, of always having things to actively do. which i thoroughly enjoy of course. whilst the restaurant is not always blooming with revenue, i find myself entirely buried in many other things such as finishing Nick Hornby's High Fidelity (i bought the book only five days ago), nearly finishing the pages of my thick Paperluxe journal/diary (well this one i've had for two years), and going through Bible verses (this one i rarely do). i have also learnt, over the bloody short course of one week to do coffee art! even with one year of experience frothing milk and pouring silky cappuccinos in Coffee Bean, i NEVER saw myself possible of pouring something aesthetically pretty into a little cup. heck, i never even understood coffee except for the fact that if i'm without it, i'm a big grouch. but yes, as per photos above, i am obviously not very good nor consistent and that is because i have the most little precision for a human being. and hearts are damn hard to do ok. still, it brings me much joy to be quite invested into little things in life like this. still, i am well aware of why i enjoy having things to do because it keeps my mind off itself.

the heart is deceitful above all things;

desperately wicked in all its ways. 

-Jeremiah 17:9

upon being enlightened by that verse more than a week ago, I have gone into a spiral of thinking, contemplating, and foreseeing. there were a lot of questions I had to ask not only myself but also God. being human, the heart wants what the heart wants, but is it good? is it necessary? for what purpose am i seeking this path? what exactly do i want? what exactly do i need? do i really know what i need? is it something i want or need? what will become of me from this? 

seriously.

those are just a portion of a fraction of the questions i ask myself from time to time.

but really, let's talk serious. don't we all as human being obsess over something or someone we want? it could be that really mysteriously quiet guy with his knife sharp cheekbones and slicked back hair with his Macbook Pro and fitted long sleeved top quietly sipping on his cup of latte in the obviously hipster cafe at 10:30 in the night, or getting that geisha-inspired tattoo as a sleeve on the arm so that it can match the prehistoric goth mermaid tattoo on your other arm, or just over a pack of RM1, three piece of makcik punya donat. is there not a degree of which we crave or want something so much that we end up blurring the lines between needing or wanting it? 

i mean.

when it comes to donat makcik,

i just lose self control O__O

doughnuts aside, i found that i had lost a degree of self control in certain areas of my life, loss of control i am not proudest of. yes i am talking about food as well. no i'm not really talking about food as well. but mostly because i blurred the lines between what i thought i needed with what i actually just wanted. because i let my heart be worn on the sleeve when it should be strategically placed much higher, say by the bicep. because that's where my heart should be; at its core of strength, pumping and pushing through life's unexpected surprises and downfalls but remaining steadfast anyhow.

i don't have regrets because i don't believe in regrets.

i do learn because i do believe in learning from every experience. 

i am not sure if i have regained that form of self control i lost but with time, and with the intensity of what i feel in small fractions of time, i believe surely enough that i will be able to let it go. i've been in bigger catastrophes and i have survived them in a much shorter period. i do not undermine the difficulty of my situation and i do not deny how my selfish heart has deceived my thoughts and strayed me away from discerning between what is right and what is wrong. i'm just glad that i braved myself to do what i don't usually do, and instead of using all the chances i had to be bitter and angry and upset, i didn't. 

He who trust his own heart is a fool,

but he who walks wisely will be delivered.

-Proverbs 28:26

let me learn to seek you more, God. may my ears and all its pollutants be dug out so i can hear You more clearly and abide by the plans You have for me.  because that's what You've been telling me for all these years, haven't You?

Child I Will Hurt You- Crystal Castles

because maybe i'm born for this.

lately i'd been really upset about being put in charge for a lot of group projects and handling miscellaneous work. i don't think i have a problem with leading, it just tolls when the people you work with make it less easy by entirely depending on you. and also because i am handling so many projects simultaneously my brain is just 294149018492890rifsajkldkngkjsdz


ironically, i've never self-proclaimed to be a leader.
but then again, i say very little about things concerning myself.


during pastor's message last Sunday, there was a little excerpt on leadership that he mentioned; how depending on a leader for everything and every move is not right. that it is not biblical. i've been trying to find verses and chapters that speak this message clearly. coincidentally, during IO class last Monday which was entirely about and on leadership, the class ended with the usual debate: are leaders born or made? obviously, it is a delicate mesh of the two, as i have always believed. if a person has leadership qualities but grows up without having those qualities trained, sharpened, and moulded with experience, then apa macam? a person that is not necessarily born with leadership qualities, on the other hand, if was raised under the likes of Warren Buffett, Dalai Lama or Donald Trump, would do much better in the future, would you not think?


then Mr F said something before dramatically ending his class (in rehearse):

everyone is born a leader. some people just need to waken up to realize it. the sad thing is some of us would rather not be waken up. 

a week later, yesterday's class was yet on leadership and group work and naturally, i became leader for most of the mini activities. it's not that i enthusiastically raise my arm and demand leadership; i have a tendency of asking those in the group first if anyone wants to take the lead. because i am very aware that the difficulties of taking leadership into hands includes holding the overall responsibilities and being accountable for the entire group. success, mediocrity, and failure are all dependent on you. and also because i always believe that everyone should be given a chance to lead. i had a conversation about this with a friend a couple weeks back and i think i have a rather laidback leadership style. i never volunteer unless i see the situation necessary i.e lacking of other people volunteering. because naturally, i don't mind pun.  


in the last group activity,
i had enthusiastically volunteered to be coordinator [only because i was sick of losing in the previous group activities and i just wanted a break lah] because i thought all i had to do was oversee the entire activity. little did i know that my responsibility was to coordinate the definition of the jobscope could not be more obvious juyi all the little groups to reach a similar target goal at the same time. basically, it was a very challenging, 007-type task with a 8-to-1 probability of failure lah okay. everyone was gan cheong kitchen and i gan cheong kitchen altogether. but we managed and very unbelievably succeeded.


i guess what i'd been meaning to express through the title of this post is how people believe in me and trust me with the responsibility of taking charge. the person who crafted that said activity had told me that her initial choice of coordinator had been me and had i not volunteered, she would have picked me anyway. this same said person, in the timespan of our friendship, has also always made it clear to me that i have a specific skill set when it comes to people and i should not let it go to waste. that i have a lot of potential and i will do exceedingly well in whatsoever field i step into after college. and for someone who is in fact in the working world, i trust her opinions strongly.


perhaps everyone is born to be a leader.
and perhaps, some of us would rather be unawakened because it is much easier to be led than to lead.


and perhaps i need to realize more that being a laidback leader is the easier way.
that i can do a lot more if i volunteer more.
that i need to give myself more chances.
that bigger challenges are better.
that i need to believe in myself more.


Money Power Glory- Lana Del Rey