because i'm still not very good.

i think i'm no good at explaining things.
be it a movie, a song that means something to me, a person, or a relationship.


i feel like when words are used to describe something, i'm limiting just how much more it could mean. i feel so much at one go when i'm in the midst of feeling whatever it is i'm feeling;

 how is words enough to describe a specific scene in a movie with its specific song set that so happens to fall on the specific lyric with the right cinematography and impeccable lighting and beautiful emptiness in the silence between its two characters?


or the way a favourite song that i had put into my phone months ago comes on again while i'm riding the bus to work and it's not exactly been an easy week and the way its lyrics and melody move me to tears and simultaneously provide me with strength to carry on with the day? (i was referring to Mumford & Son's Below My Feet, fyi)


or the wavelengths in which i love a long time dear friend whose long time camaraderie to me has always been more giving than taking, more listening than talking, more adapting than being, and more caring than anything? (i'm talking about you, fiona eleanor)


or how my love for you has grown into something so comfortable and wonderful that defies however i have imagined it to be or thought could be and how your selfless love for me keeps me going and that no one can ever understand just how much you are my sanctuary, my peace, and my home?


irony of this post aside,
i still don't think i'm a good explainer.

because i swim anyway.

                           

"Life has a way of doing that; one minute everything makes sense, the next, things change. Families break apart, your friends could close the door on you. The rapid changes I had experienced were hitting me hard as I sat there, and yet, sadness wasn't what came up in my gut." - Liz Murray

I didn't feel like it, but i went for a swim anyway.

i could've stayed in bed, let my head go into super tumble mode, and spin everything into circles, not going anywhere. but i went for a swim anyway.

my legs wore me out in fifteen minutes. 

but i kept going, and i kept swimming. 

i turned my anger and frustration into my speed motorboat of legs as i thrusted all my energy into front crawls, at times forcing myself to go the extra distance even without enough oxygen supply. ironically, everytime i ducked my head up for a gasp of air, the noises of children yelling were mostly all that i heard. and that motivated me to keep my head underwater even more. in my mind, it was like hearing the screams of the people that affected me, the ones that are constantly making me feel this way. as much as i ignore the things people say, it's hard when these people are your family. it always is.

i believe there is a reason why God put us in what kind of families and to have what kind of people as siblings. i am in the case of having siblings different from my own self, which is like most other families too i suppose. i do think it's a good and bad thing that i don't emulate them entirely because i am honestly, quite content with the character that i am. but it's always difficult when you don't want to be like everyone else, because occasionally, you will always be the odd, non-complying one. 

it almost appeared pointless to swim with that much gusto because the stronger i went, the more i felt like it was no use. the murky waters of the swimming pool were like the tears i have always cried, ala alice in wonderland crying an entire flood. i could not escape the shadows of my frustrations, i was swimming in it. 

and yet, i wasn't sad.

i was just angry. 

because this is part of my life and i cannot change that. i can only live with it. now i just have to figure out where i draw the line between doing things beyond my own principles and taking a stand for the things i believe in. because boy are they on the polar ends of each other.

this has been a really emotionally complicated post.

Birdy- Comforting Sounds