because it's a pretty wonderful life, thus far.

a couple days ago, my family friends from UK flew in and to be honest, i was beyond ecstatic to have them around. when i picked them up from the airport, i must've smiled til i spraint my cheeks. that's uncle Chris and aunty Ling, and they were the greatest, absolute loveliest people who accepted me as part of their ever big family, making me feel the most welcomed when i visited UK two years ago when i stayed with them. and they both knew my dad as he was the one who took them around KL back when they first visited 12 years back, making them try everything and stuffing all our Malaysian delicacies in their faces. not that i want to do the same, but i certainly wanted to bring them around too, just as how my dad did.

ajajaja,

getting all emosi-emosi now.

i'd been spending alot of my free before-Chinese-New-Year time with them and it really just feels wonderful to be in their company. i think it's pretty obvious that i'm the kind who's not close to family. yet somehow, i feel so comfortable around them. i think it's because they are both such giving and genuinely caring people, never asking anything in return. and it's one of those things that i feel radiates from them so strongly. and people like them just make me want to be a better person on my own. though in general, i'm alot closer to uncle Chris because he's got a stupid sense of humor and i layan humor like that. 

it's also really cool that they both used to work as psychiatric nurses, and i didn't know that uncle Chris had worked in the field of cognitive behavioral therapy before. 

an unforgettable moment from spending time with them + other friends today was when uncle Chris and I started talking about music, because we both liked Mumford & Sons and i wanted to know what else he'd been listening to. he asks me "do you listen to Bon Iver?" and in the next five minutes, we were obnoxiously playing Holocene out loud at the dining table and my mother wondered out loud at [quote]how could a 20 year old teenager and a 56 year old man have similar weird music tastes?[/endquote] and he simply says,

music is universal. it's not defined by age. and bon iver is not weird. 

it's just been good.

to have people who are not technically my family feel like family.

It's A Wonderful Life- Sparklehorse

[this was also a band introduced by him]

because !!!!!!!

i breathed a sigh of relief as i got this email.


i'd been so indecisive all year (last year) about what i was doing with my life, which direction i was heading. as people recited their goals and aimed destinies out loud, all i could ever reply was "i'm just riding the college wave until it's over". i didn't have specific plans other than to graduate on time (which is this August) and continue working at H&M. people were heading towards their designated plans, working towards their short term goals and thus ensuring their long term goals achieved. Ajeet is right. it's not exactly one of my flaws, but the fact that i can be very easy going is a very definitive trait of myself. in all my seriousness, i can be quite nonchalant about alot of things.


coming back to Assessment and Testing class yesterday, we did another personality slash suited job test and the results mirrored me quite accurately. in all my strengths of being good in social work + specific artisticness, i am also very realistic. i compared mine to carissa's, which was similar to mine, except that she had high persuasion/enterprising power instead of being a hardcore realist.


the difference between both of our results, thus reflecting our job personalities, are quite obvious. to rephrase myself, i am the pessimistic version of Carissa. she is a dreamer, someone who doesn't follow the rules and is determined in her future success. i, on the other hand, am always thinking of the No's and the What If's and the It's Not Gonna's. i am a realist, and she is a dreamer. this brings me back to an earlier comment made by one of our good friends, that our opinions and principles can be quite contrasting from each other, but yet, we manage to [quote]end the heated debate, switch off, and go to lunch together. i mean like wow[/endquote].


i'm very glad for her being around to push me and guide me, because to be honest, i'm as lost as a deer in a new park. also thankful for Nicole for not letting my No's come in the way. this is my second last semester, and despite the department staff saying that it was too late for me to apply for a minor + a lot of discrepancies in my last set of subjects for next semester, i did it anyway.

Major in Psychology,

with a Minor in Communications. 

Lord,
let me go down the path that You have designated for me.


Tethers- Chrvches 

because it's not really bad, once i think about it.

"Feel your feelings, breathe, and be gentle with yourself. Acknowledge that you're doing the best you can to cope and survive. And trust that during this time of struggle, it is enough."

- Danielle Koepke

today turned out to be quite a bad day, the first official bad day of 2014, if i might put it. i'm still writing in the perspective of 'beginning of 2014' because i mentally have so many things i want to accomplish this year, one of the prime ones being the watering and caring of my own soul. yes, i've shed the tears i needed to shed earlier today as i shook with nervous anger sitting in my car alone. but i suppose i needed that crying. i've been storing too many personal vendettas inside; feuds with myself, with the thoughts that i have recollected from recent happenings around me. it is indeed, quite hard to shake it off but i've reached the point of stage where i've gotten tired of my own negativity. 

in fact,

i don't think i can classify today as a bad day. to reconsider, i think they were just bad moments in a rather normal, calm day. i went to the gym today, watched Sherlock back to back (huehuehue) and made my own lunch and dinner. one additional highlight is my realization of how much my mother loves me in her own human way, and how and why she loves my sister, brother, and I for complete different reasons as due to what we each bring out in her. 

i'm glad, that what i have brought from 2013 into this year that perhaps magnified stronger was my understanding of why my mother is my mother, and why i can no longer find it in me to hold any sort of grudge or long term anger with her. we will have moments where we agree to disagree but in my book, she will always win because she should always win. i'm glad to have found that peace in our relationship, though it took me turning 21 to finally grow up and grow out from that sort of young, brash, my-mother-doesn't-understand-me mindset. 

other than that,

i really like this photo that Mimi took of me while i was on the forest retreat in Sekeping Serendah with her + two other close friends. one other thing that has dawned upon me entering this year is the people i am surrounded by. people who reach out to me, even when they are hundreds of miles away, people who make sure i'm reminded of how much i mean to them in their lives, people who listen. you know who you are, if you read this. i am very much thankful, and that is too one of my goals this year, to love as how i am loved. 

nothing's bad at all, really. 

because i'm on the road to joy.

in the past two days itself, i've been treated to a cup of iced coffee, popcorn, and delicious ramen by three different people respectively who each, in their own individual ways and reasons, are uniquely special to me. i'm not used to being treated or having my meal paid for because i don't usually pay for another person's meal, nor do i ever make the intention to insist it. therefore, when people do that for me, i tend to feel very, in simple words, pai seh. and in these three very separate occasions, it was insisted upon.


and hello,
people belanja-ing me. food.
ME.
FOOD.
[ DO YOU SEE MY OVERSPILLING JOY MORE CLEARLY NOW ]


i'm not used to having people insist certain things for me.
not that it is something to get used to, of course.


but you know that kind of, really nice feeling, when someone insists to do something for you? be it big or small? and being a person who appreciates big and small gestures, i get overwhelmed by sincerity. and in the past few days, since the start of the new year actually, i've been receiving and opening myself up to so much.... joy. in the form of deep-hearted conversations, well-meaning hugs, sunset jogs on the beach, shared coffee talks, and tv cuddles. and tomorrow, in approximately ten hours, i will be heading for a forest retreat with a few good ol' friends, whose friendship and camaraderie i am very grateful for because i have rarely seen these people since i left HELP University for HELPMeowMeow.

i am overwhelmed with such beautiful fortuity.

that for the first time in a long time, 

i feel.... happy. 

i want to continue chasing this happiness. this road of joy that can come only and only if i keep walking and moving on. because i don't have time to wallow anymore. i don't need to wallow anymore. i want to spend my days in the company of the people who matter to me, not giving off my energy into complications of the past. i want to keep running, keep looking forward to what my future and what this year has in store for me. most of all, i want to capture all these opportunities. fight for what i want to do and do what i want to do. i know there will be times of doubt and fear but God, if He has prepared bigger plans for me, my basket shan't be so small. i must dare to trust His arrangements, and altogether, move towards the things i want in life.


and that,
very simply,
is happiness.

because this is my recovery.

i haven't really solidified my New Year's resolutions as i ended the year in the warm embraces of half of the friends who i went to PD with, excitedly counting down the last ten seconds with the entire congregation of the church before we officially embark into 2014.


i was so sure, so sure that i was going to end the year on a sad note. when i look back, i can remember only the anxiety, stress, frustrations, unanswered questions, the undiminishing sadness. i remember telling myself over and over, the good days will come. always putting my head up, staring upwards. i pray with my head looking towards the ceiling, the bright yellow lights feeling like warm glow from heaven.


the last Sunday of the year, i prayed for recovery. specifically, i had been struggling with horrible neck aches since the start of the year but i've gotten accustomed to it, numbed out the pain and focused on the good, the present. i don't like giving in to pain, to let it consume me. but more than that, i was praying for recovery from the year. i have become so weak-minded, low-spirited. i collapsed into an endless sea of tears as i surrendered all my pains and struggles to Him by the side of the pews.

Lord, i cannot do this alone.

i need help. 

there is a saying that goes we cannot just look to God for the answers without making an effort about it as well. very much like the story of the boy who prayed for God to save him from a rising flood as he sat atop a roof, whilst he said no to a rescue boat and rescue helipcopter that came by, firmly stating "no, God will save me!" when God was the one who sent the rescue boat and helicopter.

so one of my resolutions for this year is,

to have less negative thoughts. 

(i'm highlighting it in neon pink because neon pink forces happiness onto you, huahuah)

it is always much easier to fall into negativity than to make more effort to look at the silver linings amidst each dark cloud. therefore, i want to make the effort to not focus all of my energy on the bad. because honestly, the only person who would suffer at the end of the day is myself, no one else. sure, there are gonna be really shitty days ahead and i'm going to be bummed out still from time to time. thus, LESS negative thoughts, and not NO negative thoughts. i won't be able to avoid completely from getting really upset about a certain situation or two but i will try and i will keep trying.


as of now,
i am sneezing all over the house from a really bad flu and i got sent home from work yesterday because everyone said i looked like a mortified zombie. i'm going out after i have showered to get myself some Clarinase and proceed to run my Saturday errands as i take a leave from work.


in the words of James Arthur and collaborating songwriters,

i don't want to stay here like rain on a Monday morning, 

like pain that just keeps going on.

i define,

i design,

my recovery.

Recovery- James Arthur