because this is the last night.

it's approximately 2am, and i am in front of my desktop with this routine cup of green tea.
except that this will be my last time here.


sitting exactly in this position, to the right of my fridge yes, my fridge is actually right next to me and to the left of my dining table. the roll of tissue paper wedged onto the fridge with a decorative cheese block, the kitchen of assortments right behind me.


as humans, we all fall back onto familiarity. we like things that we are familiar with, and that's just how the brain works. the brain likes the comfort zone. give it a challenge, a stretch out of its norms, and it panics. the same way when we insert toes first into a swimming pool of cold water. our body shivers with a mixture of anticipation, excitement and fear. that stimuli of electric coldness jolts our senses. some people like to dive straight in because that's like a whole engulfment of adrenaline.

i guess it's different when you're shifting houses, i suppose.

i'd never felt anything like when i flicked on the light switch to the room that used to be my kitchen and instead of diffused silence, i heard a hollow echo. that faint echo pierced right through me, sinking me gently. i'm not terrifyingly sad. or maybe i'm not terrifyingly sad yet. emotions could be unconsciously put on a pause, and maybe that's what my mind is doing right now. shutting off feelings, setting it aside.


tomorrow, at 10am, the truck is going to carry out my boxes of packed clothes, shoes, bags, books and Other Items as well as my empty cupboard, queen-sized mattress, my fridge, furniture and other things that used to have designated spaces in this house. this house that i grew up in. from a Sri Rampai girl, i am going to be in Desa Petaling for the next 2 years or so. the advantages is that i'm 1)ten minutes away from college and 2)ten minutes away from KL. aww yisses~


but the many disadvantages would be:
1)i'm going to be far away from 85% of my friends because 2)i grew up with these people, these people who live three stones throw away from me and that would mean 3)no more convenience of Thursday pasar malams, 4)a slight difficulty driving to church every Sunday and just 5)losing all familiarity of where i grew up.

i am making it sound as if i'm moving across the seas. 

macam drama TVB pulak. 

i think the hardest part would only kick in when i have to send Blackie to SPCA tomorrow, because doggeh can't follow me into the condominium. i remember last year when i got home from England, the real happiness only kicked in when i saw my dog eagerly waving her tail as she saw me carry my luggage out from the car. i guess there's a reason why they are called man's best friend.


i am thankful for being reminded tonight that i have a group of asshole boy friends whom i will miss terribly because i won't be seeing them as often anymore. no more bringing me out to for random late night food trips , planned badminton/swimming activities. i will have to drive, of course, but that will depend alot on timing i suppose. i am also thankful that although i am moving further away from all things familiar to me, i am also moving nearer to the beau. proximity is always a good thing, just not too close lah. takpayah next door neighbour semua. and i am thankful that i'm given this push out of my comfort zone. because it's always good to experience new things.

here's to the last night of being a Rampai-an. 

Starring Role- Marina & The Diamonds

because this is another dependency post.

where does one draw the line between independence and dependence?

also, i will never justify my obsession with Lana. deal with it

people think being someone who is dependent is bad. i think what's worse than that is generally being perceived as someone independent, thus giving people the impression that ooo you're a cool chick, you don't have psycho emotional tendencies, you are aite. because people tend to relate the characteristic of dependency to the general traits of being feminine; so if you are not generally dependent, you are less feminine. you would thereby, have more masculine qualities. you are less feminine, thus, you must be less emotional too. it's all one false deduction, one step to another. 

also, 

i just realized how outrageously disgusting it is for men to think that a girl is only cool if she has more masculine qualities. at the same time, men aim for feminine girls and have prejudice against girls who prefer short hair and baggy pants. i'm sorry but APA YANG KAU NAK DOH. seems like the one who is conflicted here is not the women; just you

okay so back to my topic. 

for someone who is independent, i think i have pretty dependent tendencies. i don't even know why i do that. but i just unexplainably do. and times when i dwell on it, i hate what it makes of me. i hate the idea that i can lose my ground, that my foundation can shake so easily and that i fall into the help of the people who come in and alter the solidity of my independence. that for someone considerably strong, i can be so weak. the way i fall to temptation, fall to aid and fall to help that i know i don't need.

i know too well that i can do things on my own.

hey, i've been doing so well on my own all this time. why the sudden change? 

i think what happens with me at least is that i'm so used to doing almost everything by myself and that when someone comes in and bends my self-made regime, i lose control. i don't contain the same degree of potential energy anymore; i forget for a while and a little on what it's like to entirely depend on myself. because now, i have somebody. and in order to say things like "i want you to share your burdens with me", i'd have to firstly, open up and fairly share my thoughts and burdens too. 

but where does one draw the line between the two?
what if you go to such an extent, you share so much that at the end of the day, nothing is rightfully and solely yours anymore? there is ultimately nothing that separates you from the other person anymore. to be one with another significant person can be a beautiful process and equivalently a dangerous decision at the same time. i am just wondering on the boundaries between dependence and independence. to what degree do you share yourself with somebody? to what degree do you maintain specific things to yourself?


oh,
just thoughts on another Sunday night.

Next - The Weeknd 

because Lana is kween.

"People say your imagination is your greatest tool to success, and I think it’s because things manifest in reality from the visions you have in your mind’s eye. And so the most important thing is to really have a rich internal world, and live there, because reality will never meet your expectations."

because i am learning new changes.

gonna hold ya

gonna kiss you in my arms

gonna take you away from home 

emo hour.
to transpose, my form of emo hour doesn't translate into weepy, sad thoughts where i think of how the world is so unfair to such a wonderful girl like moi and start asking things like WAI DO THINGS LIKE THAT HAPPEN TO MEEEEE~ just, no.


emo hour for me is just, in its most basic sense,
emotional hour.
or in Mei's words: i am just having lotsa feels.


i wasn't having a bad day or anything. if anything, my day was hella great! class was interesting as always, got to spend some time after class talking to the girls and Warren about things that concretely matter, then went home to get ready to go out for a phone launching event with the beau. free appetizers and dessert and as always, i managed to snag a lucky draw gift. the day ended with really good naan and tandoori chicken and some turkey ham carbonara.


my day consisted of free food, winning things, time with good friends, and now slowly ending with a hot cup of green tea. the compilation of it all should result in me coming home with a generally happy face. but i'm not. as of now, Angus & Julia Stone's Big Jet Plane has been on replay for the 8th time. it's my happy sad song.



i think the lingering topic of the week for me is about how some women no reference in particular have some sort of dependency on the men in their lives. and very directly, by dependency, i mean 1)financial dependency and 2)emotional dependency. i grew up with a mother, like most mothers, who told me i needed to find a rich husband. i always thought wahlao mummy cannot get anymore shallow and materialistic right; what if this guy got alot of money but si beh ugly/shorter than me/has bad breath etc... so then i grew up with the mindset that i would not be depending on a man and that i wouldn't need a man to carry my burdens.

so that's when i started lifting weights to develop stronger biceps.

to lift my own burdens.

k no

i think i've always been a somewhat, independent girl. and i can reaffirm that because i know most people see me in the same light as well. i remember when a college friend once said to me that she couldn't imagine the kind of boyfriend that i would have or whether or not i would have one. because i don't seem like i need one. because i am 'the most independent girl [she] knows'. i always took that as one of the best compliments. i liked the idea that i am perfectly fine on my own, that i wasn't tied to anyone, hence the fact that i'm not tied down to anyone. i liked the idea that i was my own person and individual. autonomous, free.


for a period of time, i thought women who expected their men to pay for every meal needed to learn a few bloody things about paying for their own damn meals and getting things done on their own. can't drive? take the bus. want food? walk out and buy it. need something? do it yourself. there's a reason why God gave women 70% similar physical traits and 85% similar internal organs as the man. seriously, you can belajar untuk berdikari ok, as Pendidikan Moral has forcefully taught us all our school years.

i loathed the idea of women ever depending on their men financially, or emotionally. 

in my opinion, it just wasn't right. 

then as times begin to change and clothes unfortunately become smaller,
my ideas too began to slowly change.


i happen to have known a great number of friends; men, who have a tendency of paying for everything for their partners and respectively, women who accept that form of endless chivalry graciously and not-so-graciously. and the things is, these men never have intentions of getting their horny wishes granted in return. these women are not money-sucking, devilheaded-conniving free loaders either. these character stereotypes that have been injected into me through all the movies and tv shows are not all that real. there is hope in humanity!

of course,

there are always the select few who fit the mold of that stereotype lah.

mmmm k not gonna mention names but if you terasa............ ya ok

what i have learned is that sometimes, these things don't matter as much as people make it out to be. the whole concept of making sure you're a strong, independent woman. sure it's great but so what if there are girls who have their meals paid for by their other halves? i have no right in judging their relationship and what they fuel on. who am i to question the basis of the structures they stand upon? who am i to say that the way i work is of greater superiority than theirs? to think that way is already conceited. a conceited mind is far worse than an unknowing mind.


like machines, people operate differently with varying parts. except that we are partially fueled by emotions.

with this, leads me to the other topic that got me into my current emotional hour. 

the fact that humans are fueled by emotions. 

indefinitely, the larger sum of men have a higher operating on rationale than emotion. but what about the emotion of anger? in the words of my Social Psychology class, studies have shown that men have a higher tendency of reacting out with anger in comparison to women. and that one, we all also know ah. take the likes of Chris Brown.


so my point is,
we all have a tendency of being driven by emotion, most of the times,
without our thinking and without our control.


today i made a mistake that caused me to receive quite the harsh words in return. i don't blame the sender; it was definitely my fault. but to be told that i should feel bad about myself; that line in particular, made my ribcage sink. what more when this person knows i have the strongest tendency of carrying blame unto myself and feeling heavily guilty over even the littlest of things.


it was so hard to fight off that feeling.
that mixed feeling of disappointment, frustration and slight agitation.


i wanted to say something really mean in return. oooh all the deliciously sarcastic comebacks i could give; i felt like Oprah resisting myself from giving my audience free television sets. but i couldn't. because well, i was partially lazy but mainly because there is no need for me to say anything back. the fault is mine to take, what has happened has already happened. why throw more clouds into a storm?


so there it was.
i did the opposite of what i usually do: stay quiet.


i think the reason why i'm alot of feels tonight is because i don't know what to do with them.


'i don't blame my mother. she is right, you know. mothers always tell their daughters to marry rich husbands because it can guarantee them stability. women need something they can hold on to. they want security. and sometimes, it is a man's responsibility to provide that security. though of course, they tend to forget that money does not always mean happiness'. 


now that i am slowly coming into terms with changing beliefs, i guess i'm just having the slight disassociation of setting my own limits and boundaries as to how far i would let myself depend on a man. because i am slowly learning that interdependence can actually be a wonderful thing. i am also slowly learning to develop patience a midst the havoc. that if my two cents is not worth putting in, i'd better save it in a nice piggy bank instead.


also, this song has been replaying for the 23rd time.


Big Jet Plane- Angus and Julia Stone