'because you are a problem, juyi, and you don't even realize it!'

thank you for etching that so deeply within my being.
so much, that it would be one of those things that i will never let go, nor forget.
never.

because i'm irritated. not entirely, but i am.

'apa jadi, juju?'
'just one of those days where i hate everybody.'


it's bloody tiring, alright?
tiring that whether or not i try or don't try at all to prove myself, i will still be labeled and judged based on that label. don't even try to tell me that these labels don't come attached with pre-conceived ideas and stereotypes. that's like saying this cup of Milo doesn't have chocolate malt in it.


oh i have such a wide connection of friends and i keep myself connected via several social network sites, i must be popular. i am so popular, i dress so fancily to college, i must be rich. i am so rich, i go shopping all the time and gourmet dining is something i know of too well, i must have a boyfriend as well. i am always talking to people, so bubbly and so outspoken, so free go gym go exercise, so smart to be an Honors student; i live so perfectly, i must be this i must be that.



JUST. STOP. 
i am irritated, alright. because despite the fact that all these labels lean more towards positive connotations, there are underlying downsides to it. would the popular, perfect girl ever need to be reminded that she's loved and cared for? pfft, why for, she's already such an attention-grabber! would the rich girl ever have monetary trouble in the future? payah, everything always goes her way. why is she even working part time!? would the socially loved girl ever need someone to talk/listen to? naww, she's always got someone chittery-chattering with! 


attention is different from affection.
richness in money is different from richness in life.
chatter is different from conversation.


i am irritated because people need to think before they talk. they need to rethink their usage of words and before that, think of whether what they say is out of a negative or positive air. better yet, if they have nothing to say, don't say anything at all. just stop talking! pointless input of opinion is just ridiculous and upsetting!

also, you. 

Northern Sky; Nick Drake

because in being unlucky, i am lucky.

'It'd be better if you don't heed their statement of saying that you're selfish. It hurts but we need to filter it for our own sake. Let them do whatever they want with it. Take it that you never won it. I know it sounds harsh for now but it's better to detach if they are going to take it from you and not let you do what you want with it.'


Sometimes, some people see things and have opinions that are unconventional, even to yourself. and i think there are times in life when we need that to provide insight and a recurrence of strength that you never knew you had.


there's the saying that goes no one knows ourselves more than we do.
but how much do we know, really?
do we really know the potential of which we can grow, strive, work, and handle?
how much we can love? 


all the 'WAHH YOU SO LUCKYYY!' and 'CONGRATULATIONS ON WINNINGGG!' are only making me shrink more with the bitter realization of the bigger picture; that it makes me all the more unlucky and an even bigger loser than a winner. so much, that i'd rather not have won anything in the first place. i'd been content and i'd been happy. something that was supposed to add even the tiniest bit of happiness in me only made me feel the ultra opposite. i didn't need it, and still, i don't need it.


so i'm going to let this all go.
in the words of Florence Welch: i'm not giving up, i'm just giving in.


what i am going through now ( or well, better said as had just gone through) is a push in my own human  capability of handling what has always been the prime of difficulty in my life. it is not going to get any bit easier, nor will it remain this way. things will eventually get harder, we will all grow up and time will pass and things will be even harder to deal with.


however, this also brings me to a newer level of realization that i am blessed, truly blessed to know people who are there for me. being someone who is rarely there for others, i am thankful that i have a set of good friends who reach out to me and care for me more than i deserve. so thank you, you and you.