because i'm glad.

here we have people whom we question whether they'd ever learn to care, and then we on the other hand who need to learn to not care too much! 

dinner with Jolene + a pleasant surprise later on in the night summed up for a good Tuesday. good days are a rare breed. because for me, a good day would have to include 1)active usage of the brain, 2)active output of physical exercise, 3)conducting conversation and speaking only because i want to and because i feel the need to and 4)my emotions are generally ranged from Stable to Generally Happy throughout the day. 5)good food can make for a good day too but it's not a must-have. in today's case, i had ayam dara stupid personal inside joke and pasta for dinner.



some other random things that can equate to a good day would be the stumbling upon new music, driving towards a setting sun, receiving compliments that you look good in a pair of jeans and drinking green tea. hell, i sound like a simple person. but maybe i am, despite the 87% of times to which i think otherwise.



i like to think/believe that I am finding a balance. in filtering out what is necessary to go through my ears and into my head. because truly, i cannot live for anyone else at the end of the day and the only one who can judge me is the God i believe in. and i'm the sort of person who can do twenty one thousand things at once, but the minute i go into overthinking/anxiety drive, my body loses all its scrapes of energy.


i'm glad... to be glad.
that the sounds i hear in my mind are nothing but light strums of guitar and the only thing i'm thinking about now is how Conor Oberst is such a divine human being. that i (currently) have no underlying fears or sublimated trepidations. that all i feel is the simplest, most natural state of inner peace.


i'm glad to be glad.

and i'm thankful to God for having gladness to be glad about.

in the most beautiful and intricately plain realization, i am breathing. i am alive and i am living. i am today and that is what i can be everyday. to be the day that i have, for as long as i live on this planet. 

to you who is reading, i wish the same for you. 

Tiger Mountain Peasant Song- Fleet Foxes

because i will love you til' the end of time.

perhaps i've been doing a pretty damn good job at avoiding and sublimating all that i have been going through into my studies and my time when i am running. oh, i'm weird/conflicted? we all channel our hidden feelings and thoughts somewhere, it's just a matter of how and whether we realize it or not. 

unfortunately, being somewhat who is overcritical, i know how my mind works and perhaps, by simply saying that, maybe i don't really know how my mind works. but the fact that i think about it is questionable; whether it is good or not to look into oneself and scrutinize one's every action and perceived flaw. 

but which would you rather?

to be aware of your every piece of defect or to be completely unaware, negligent to it all? 

i'd rather be enlightened with the truth, no matter how painful and hard it is to ingest. the truth is never easy, i suppose. they say the best things in life are not easy. but is the knowledge of such distressing truth good for the body, and for the soul? 

some truths are hidden under so many thick, irremovable layers of lies. lies placed by one own self, by people around them, by society. some people never see into that solid truth beneath and perhaps that explains their grateful happiness. and what about those who do? 

amidst all this 2a.m thinking, what i do know is that deep inside me, i have love. love for what and for who, i don't know for sure. but i have confidence that there is something good inside, something that i want to share and give willingly. and that despite circumstances that have happened and could happen, i will always be one to look back and remember specific moments and smile in that bittersweet reminiscence. 

that no matter what happens in the future,

i will love you until the end of time.

because i loved you first.

you are my sweetest downfall,
and i loved you first.

because it is a strange time in my life.

i'd been filling up time watching really good movies, lately.
i'm considering taking up the challenge of watching one movie a day but i will save that for after finals, OBviously.


people wonder where i find the time, what with work + college and its overflow of assignments and deadlines + finals starting in three days, approximately. i don't know. well, i sure as heck couldn'tve done anything when i was working. the short conversation that'd always take place was;


how many days do you work?
five days.
oh. college break?
no. i'm in the middle of my semester.
oh. how many days are your classes?
four. 


twice a week, i go to work after class with shifts ending either at 10:30p.m or if i decide to stay until closing, past midnight. i wake up the next day, i either work the whole day or have class in the afternoon. spare time would be spent 1) in the gym or 2)wasting away at home, looking like a complete, bludgeon-eyed insomniac with my mouth hanging half open. i usually go with the former with efforts of looking and feeling more good and energized. sometimes i let the laziness get to me, and then i end up regretting not picking the former. today is an example of one of those days.


well, i am off from work for two weeks. instead of devoting all my time to studying, i spend my time watching psychologically disturbing movies and catching up on my reading, of which i'm famous for stopping half way because i'm a bad ass like that.


i don't know.
i used to appreciate the idea of lackadaisical evenings. just sitting by the doorstep, sipping on Milo and staring at neighbours walking by with their dogs and cars driving by. the thought of just watching life in motion, as i stare in subdued silence. that i could count the ticks on the clock and not be annoyed by its perfect pace. i could lie down on my couch and stare at its hands moving, inch by inch, and marvel at the simple workings of such an intricate machine.


i'm not sure if i can do that anymore.


the second i sit down on my couch, i think of the next productive thing i should be doing. anything. running. studying. reading. looking up new music. listening to old music. repeating the same piece of music. eating. eating shouldn't be done too often so not too much eating. drinking. drinking water. watching a movie. watch another movie. look up more good movies. queue the movies. paint. buy new paint materials. get a smaller canvas. paint. work. start working again. study. eat. don't eat too much. run.


i don't know how to be still.
i don't like anymore the belief that life should be at a slow pace. i dislike the feeling of not achieving anything and making use of the time i have. i seem to be rushing by every day when what really is, is that time seems to go much slower now than how i sensed it to be. i can feel myself thinking at a faster rate now; thoughts and deep conversations run through over and over in my head, like a piece of film got stuck somewhere in the folds of my brain and the repeat button is pressed on. it's terribly confusing, tiring and distressing.


when i go to bed, i don't sleep right away either.
despite the immense exhaustion from the day, i still spend too much time rolling left and right. thinking and thinking about thinking. like i just won't wear out.



there's something i'm subconsciously avoiding by pushing myself to do so much in a day. i know it. it's whether  or not i want to confront it. they say problems are best handled when dealt with. what if those problems are too big and difficult to handle? what if the minute i open the can, more than worms spill out? and what if those things that are more than worms start eating me alive? how would i survive?